by Chloe Garner
“So how is Sam?’ she asked. Samantha pulled her mouth to one side and took a breath to answer.
“Sam,” Caroline called. “You’re here early.”
Samantha and Kara turned to watch as Sam hugged her and they kissed a greeting. Kara looked at Samantha with wide eyes.
“Hi, Caroline,” Samantha said.
“Hey, Sam. Kara.” They nodded at each other, then Caroline looked back at Sam. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he said. Samantha closed her eyes and took a slow breath, then went over to the counter, pulling her credit card from her back pocket where she had stashed it.
“I’m going to need a room. If you have one, on the same hall as the one you gave…” she pointed in Jason’s direction, “him would be great.”
“Sam, what the hell?” Kara asked.
“Stuff,” Samantha said. “It’s good to see you.”
Kara looked over her shoulder at Sam and Caroline as they walked after Jason, heads tilted toward each other so that they could lower their voices and still hear each other. Kara grabbed Samantha’s card off the desk.
“I thought you stayed with them,” she said.
“It makes Sam uncomfortable, when Caroline’s around. It’s weird.”
“So? Why should she change where you stay?”
“It’s not about her. It’s about Sam.”
The receptionist put a piece of paper on the counter. Samantha looked it over, then took her credit card back from Kara and handed it to the woman. Kara took it back.
“She’s a Ranger,” she said.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the receptionist said. “We don’t charge Rangers. You should have told me.”
“I’m not,” Samantha said. “Let me pay for my room.”
“No,” Kara said, putting the credit card into her back pocket and pulling Samantha away from the counter.
“You let him break up with you for that skinny blond chick who didn’t even turn up in Austin. Now you’re letting him leave you for Caroline? Don’t get me wrong, girl. I like Caroline. If you two aren’t actually together, he could do a lot worse, but you shouldn’t let them run you off like that.”
Samantha rubbed her face.
“How would you feel if…”
Kara blinked.
“You were sleeping in the same bed as Jason? Honey.”
Samantha sighed.
“It’s different.”
Kara frowned, but shrugged.
“Fine. But the next time you go missing, I’m going to track you down myself and drag you back.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Samantha said. She took the room key the receptionist gave her and thanked the woman. “I’m going to go put my stuff away. Where is everyone going to be?”
Kara pointed.
“Around that corner and down the hallway, there’s a restaurant. That’s where we hang out.”
Samantha nodded.
“Go see Jason. I’ll be down in a little bit.”
Kara flashed her a grin and turned, her hair spinning out behind her as she ran down the hallway, arms up and above her shoulders. People got out of her way.
“Jason,” she yelled. “Jason.”
Samantha went to pick up her backpack and her duffel bag from the wall where she had left them, hefting them crossways over opposite shoulders and going to the elevator to go upstairs and find her room. Her backpack was still a shambles, and the cabinet in the Cruiser was worse. It bothered her. She felt unsettled, in general, and to not have everything where it was supposed to be made it worse. She sat on the bed in her room, letting the dark and cool sink in. Occasionally, there would be footsteps in the hallway, but she had to think hard to remember the last time she had been alone like this.
She went and took a shower, taking her time, enjoying hot water that wouldn’t run out. She changed into new clothes that didn’t smell like grief: comfortable jeans and a series of shirts from tank top to tee shirt to button-up to zip-up jacket. It was nearly summer outside, but she still felt cold, and the sleeves were comforting. She pulled the hood over her head and turned up the air conditioning, sitting back down on the bed and wrapping her arms around her knees.
Sam had noticed she was gone and was actively probing her, worried. She sighed and pushed him away, resigning herself to go downstairs.
She found them were Kara had said they would be, the four of them at a corner booth, Jason-Kara-Caroline-Sam. Sam made to stand, but Samantha pleaded with him not to. Caroline was watching her, and she didn’t want Sam to make a scene. She looked at the four of them and mentally shook herself. These were her friends. She belonged here.
Jason scooted over for her and Kara and Caroline picked up their drinks to shift. Samantha smiled and sat, eyes stinging. Sam was onto her self-pity in an instant, and she pushed him away harder.
“So, Sam,” Caroline said, mouth forming the friendly smile that Samantha recognized from many years before as social etiquette. She returned it. She wasn’t as good at it. “Where’s Alexander? I really didn’t get to meet him in North Carolina.”
That’s because you and Sam never left his room.
“There’s a boy?” Kara asked. “Why didn’t you start with that?”
Samantha felt Jason elbow her and she closed her eyes and smiled.
“That’s… it…” She paused and forced herself to breathe. “It ended. Yesterday.”
“Oh, honey,” Kara said, holding up her arm to flag the waitress. “Scotch. Bring the bottle.”
Samantha sighed.
“Sam said you were having a good time with him. What happened?”
Samantha swallowed and looked at Caroline, forcing a smile at the concerned expression the woman gave her. She meant well. She meant well. She meant well.
“I found out he wasn’t who I thought he was,” Samantha said. Caroline nodded.
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
The pit of Samantha’s stomach churned and she swallowed again. The four of them were watching her. Sam had his arm discretely around Caroline’s hips and Kara had had her legs across Jason’s lap when she had approached. They had been talking, laughing, when she had come into the room. And now they were watching her, every one of them just praying she didn’t have a breakdown and ruin the whole event. She swallowed over the thick point in her throat and shook her head.
“Look, we had a police officer go through all of my stuff and bag it. Individually, no less. It’s driving me insane that it isn’t back where it goes yet. Would anyone mind if I went to get everything put away?”
“No, of course not,” Caroline said. Sam and Jason were both quiet.
“There’s scotch coming,” Kara said. Samantha laughed.
“That isn’t going to help anything. Really,” she said.
“I find scotch fixes most things that involve remembering,” Kara said.
“Not bad for gunshots, either,” Jason said. She nodded sagely.
“Excellent for gunshots.”
“Stitches,” Caroline said. “Scotch is great for stitches.”
Kara grinned.
“Shy boys…”
“All girls,” Jason said.
“Making sense of art movies,” Caroline said.
“Ooh,” Kara said. “I’m going to have to try that.”
Samantha stood and Jason handed her the keys to the Cruiser under the table. He looked like he was trying to find something to say, but she knew there wasn’t anything good to land on, so she took away the opportunity for him to say something dumb or that he would regret and just left.
Sam followed her mentally as far as the Cruiser, then got distracted by something that made him laugh. She smiled to herself, not actually believing the expression but needing to make it anyway, and went to sit in the back of the Cruiser again, sitting on the box and taking one item after another out of the evidence bags and putting it into a drawer.
At first the pain of not belonging, of not being a part of, tore at her, but
the mechanical motions served to distract her, putting her into a rhythm that was almost like being asleep. Open a bag, open the vial inside of it, smell the contents. Pour them out if necessary. Shake the vial. Identify the contents. Put them in the small drawer in the second row on the far right. Open a bag, run her fingers through the herbs in the net bag inside, identify the ingredient, put it in the large drawer at the bottom of the cabinet, in the small box for natural earth magic herbs from North America. Open the next bag.
Her heart forgot to hurt because her mind didn’t give it space to. Once she ran out of bags, she would find a place to stretch, then go through her forms. Mechanical tasks that her brain knew without invention. She had often resorted to them.
She jumped when the door to the Cruiser opened and Sam got into the back seat.
“Everyone misses you,” he said. “Are you coming back?”
“That’s not true,” she said. “Everyone feels guilty that I’m out here by myself.”
“I wish you’d come back,” he said. She looked at him. It was true.
“You only get a few days with Caroline. I don’t need to come make a pest of myself by trying to fit in as part of your group, right now.”
“You are part of… Wow. No. We want you to hang out with us. We don’t get a lot of chances to just hang out. Come sit with us.”
“I don’t belong in there,” Samantha said.
“Why not? You’re one of us.”
“No. Kara told the receptionist I’m a Ranger. I’m not.” She paused, looking at Sam. “I’m not one of you. I only belong in there as much as I belong with you and Jason. I don’t want you two to spend the whole night trying to be my gate into the group.”
“Why would you say that? You could belong here if you wanted to.”
“No. I don’t belong anywhere.”
“That’s Carter talking. If you would just… try.”
“You believe that?”
“You’re really cool and fun and funny.”
She raised her eyebrows at him.
“Okay, maybe you’re not the life of the party, but all of our friends have liked you.”
“All of your friends tolerate me because of you,” Samantha said.
“That’s not true.”
She sighed. He was growing angry at her and she had no energy or willpower to defend herself.
“You think if I went in there, on my own, and tried to… be one of the Rangers, that I’d be able to do it?”
“I do. There are some really cool people in there. If you just gave yourself a chance to meet them, I think you’d like a lot of them.”
“And they’d like me?”
“Of course.”
He really did believe it. She pushed the pile of bags into a smaller mass in the corner of the Cruiser and took a breath. Her chest was tight.
“Okay. I’ll try. But the point is, you don’t help. You or Jason or Kara. You don’t introduce me, you don’t send people to meet me.”
“Why?”
“Because then they’re just hanging out with me because they like you, again.”
He shook his head.
“This is dumb. Just come sit with us.”
“Every one of you stopped smiling when I sat down. I will go try, but not with you feeling sorry for me and Caroline wishing I wasn’t there.”
“She doesn’t wish you weren’t there.”
“She’s much too sweet to say so.”
He sighed.
“Fine. It’s better than you sitting out here by yourself. But you actually do have to try. I’ll know if you aren’t.”
She nodded.
“Okay.”
<><><>
Sam went and sat back down next to Caroline.
“She isn’t coming?” Caroline asked. He frowned.
“Something weird happened.”
“Define weird,” Kara said. Then Samantha walked into the restaurant and looked around. She had a small, hopeful smile on her face as she tried to make eye contact with someone, anyone.
“Good God, boy. What did you do?” Kara asked.
She looked like a baby bird. Someone walked past her and she smiled at them, nodding and saying hello. They nodded back, perfectly polite, but took a step sideways away from her as they left. She smiled to herself and walked over to a group of male Rangers. There was the surge of optimism as she stood behind first one, then another of them, but none of them stepped aside for her to even be seen.
“Sam, what’s going on?” Jason asked.
“She said she didn’t belong here and I said she did. She… bet me that she couldn’t find anyone to talk to unless we introduced her.”
“You’re kind of an idiot, aren’t you?” Caroline asked.
“I guess I am.”
She was determined to play her part, and she approached most of the Rangers in the room, getting polite, cool responses from most of them; the rest just casually ignored her. She sat down at a table across the room from them by herself, her head up, eyes friendly, engaged, watching the room. A different waitress stopped by the table, and Samantha smiled at her, exchanging a few words.
“This is going to be a train wreck,” Kara said.
“She really is trying,” Sam said.
“That’s the worst part,” Kara said. “Why would you think this was a good idea?”
“Because everybody likes her,” Sam said. “Even the people who don’t like anyone. Heather liked her the first time they met.”
“Especially the people who don’t like anyone,” Jason said. Sam suddenly remembered how out of place he normally felt at the meet-ups. He had friends, but he didn’t want to sit in the big room with all of the noisy flirting and talking. He remembered how much fun he and Samantha had had playing games online with the Seekers, before he had met Carly.
“This was a really bad idea,” he said. Jason nodded.
“You were just trying to do the right thing,” Caroline said. “She knows that.”
She leaned in against him, resting her head on his shoulder as she watched Samantha.
“Well, we aren’t helping,” Sam said, feeling the pang of self-pity as Samantha noticed Caroline.
“When do they start with the music?” Jason asked.
“Midnight,” Kara said. “After the restaurant closes.”
Jason sighed.
“It’s going to be a long night.”
<><><>
A young man came and sat next to her at the table.
“Hi, I’m Craig.”
“Hi. I’m Sam,” she said.
“Can I buy you a drink?” he asked.
“Aren’t they free?” she asked. He shrugged.
“What are you drinking?”
She looked down at her glass.
“Gin and tonic on the rocks.”
“Can I join you for one?”
“Sure.”
He waved at the waitress and picked up Samantha’s glass, holding up two fingers. The woman nodded.
“I don’t think I’ve seen you around at one of these before,” he said.
“I’m kind of new to it,” she said.
“Oh,” he said. “How did you get started?”
“Couple of friends,” she said.
“Oh.”
She smiled and looked down at her drink again.
“How long have you been a Ranger?”
“Thirteen years. My dad taught me.”
“Oh, cool.” She looked at him and his eyebrows inched up, waiting for her to say something interesting. “Did your mom… do… this kind of stuff?”
He frowned.
“No, not really.”
She nodded.
“Oh.”
He nodded back. She searched for something to say, but everything sounded like probing into his personal history, and that was weird, wasn’t it? The waitress brought a pair of glasses and he grabbed his. Looked at her. Pressed his lips together.
“Well. Uh. Have a good night.”
S
he let the breath escape and smiled.
“Yeah, thanks. You, too.”
He nodded at her, eyes confused, and stood, wandering across the restaurant to a group of Ranger-fit girls in cut off shirts and low-rise jeans. Samantha tapped her fingernails on opposite sides of her glass. Looked up to find Jason standing at her table.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” he asked. She looked around the room, avoiding Sam, and stood. She walked out of the restaurant into the hallway and leaned against a wall.
“What’s up?”
He put his hand on the wall above her shoulder and leaned against it.
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you. You do what you need to do, but you and I both know you could pull any guy in that room if you wanted to. Any one of them.”
She squeezed her eyes shut.
“No. I couldn’t.”
“I’ve seen you work. You can be the center of any room you’re in, if that’s what you want.”
“I’m invisible,” she whispered. “The girl who does that is the one Carter built.”
He sighed.
“Maybe, then, none of the guys in there are the kind of guy you want to pull.”
She shrugged, feeling small and squeezed and like she might cry again.
“Maybe there isn’t anyone, then,” she said. “Because it’s the same everywhere else.”
He snorted.
“I guarantee there are guys who want to be with you.”
She looked up at him.
“Yeah. I met him.”
“Look, Alexander was bad luck. A demon…”
She closed her eyes again, finding warm tears spilling down her face.
“Not him,” she said.
“What?” Jason asked, exasperated. “Who?”
“Sam.”
“Right.”
She looked up at him, no longer attempting to keep the tears in check.
“You don’t have to do this,” he said.
“I do.”
“Why?”
“Because he thinks that everyone else should be interested in me.”
“This is about Sam?”
She turned her head to the side, blinking on more tears.
“Yes.”
He popped the back of his throat.
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you. Today was going to suck, no matter what. I just wanted to tell you that you are damn sexy, and the minute you decide that’s what you want to be, every one of those guys is going to come after you like… Well, like wolves. If you don’t want to be sexy, don’t. That’s fine. I just wanted you to hear that you are.”
