by Chloe Garner
Sam’s stomach turned at how she could speak the words without a trace of irony.
“Oh, I love Colorado,” Caroline said. “Does your family ski?”
“Haven’t in a long time,” Samantha said. Caroline returned her attention to Sam. He was relieved.
“Do you ski?” she asked.
“I’m really not much at sports,” he said.
“You haven’t tried skiing, have you, Sam?” Jason asked. Sam shook his head. Jason knew he hadn’t. Caroline widened her eyes.
“Oh, we have to go, sometime. I go every winter. Take a week off and go to Aspen or somewhere…”
“Aspen’s expensive,” Samantha said. She was gone again; it was reflexive.
“My mom’s family had some money,” Caroline said, ducking her head. “She pays for my time off because she thinks I’m in less danger.”
“Sam on skis would probably be more dangerous than anything else he did in a year,” Jason said. Caroline looked angelically at the ceiling.
“I’m not saying I’m super careful, either,” she said, then grinned. “I love the speed.”
He smiled again, involuntarily. Jason grunted.
“Food’s here.”
Samantha had ordered the same meal Sam had, and, a few minutes into the meal, he looked down and could have sworn he had eaten more than that. Caroline and Jason were talking about jet skiing off the Keys. He looked over at Samantha and the part of her that could reach the surface pleaded with him to not notice, to not make a scene. Her head was beginning to weave again as she looked down at the table leg. She was only just holding it together, and he had no clue what was wrong.
He ate two entrees.
They would be laughing and talking and he would find his plate swapped again. Samantha played half-heartedly with her food, but mostly just stared.
Finally Caroline stood.
“Well, I’m ready for bed after that,” she said. “How much further?”
“Maybe thirty minutes,” Jason said. “We need to catch up with Simon tonight and see what’s going on.”
“Can’t we do that in the morning?” Caroline asked, looking meaningfully at Sam. Jason cleared his throat.
“I’m going to go pay. Meet you in the Cruiser, Sam?”
Sam poked her mentally and she lifted her head.
“Sounds good,” she said. He was almost certain he had fed her that answer, that she had no inkling of what Jason had said. She didn’t look at him as she got up from the table. He realized that most people would have thought she was a little distant, a little sad, but to his eye her normal grace was completely lacking. She went and leaned against Jason at the cash register. Caroline wrapped herself around Sam’s arm, tipping her head against his shoulder.
“So she and Jason…?” she asked.
“No,” Sam said. “Not even close.”
Caroline sighed.
“I wish I understood,” she said. She was prying for why Samantha traveled with them again.
“I haven’t got any better explanation,” he said.
“Are you going to sit up all night with them?” she asked.
“Until we get tomorrow planned out, yeah,” Sam said. He looked at her, weighing his words. “And I want to talk to Sam… alone… for a while.”
“She didn’t seem like she really wanted to talk, to me,” she said. “Hasn’t really wanted to talk to anyone since you guys got to Little Rock.”
“She’s my best friend,” Sam said.
“I know. You just get all day every day with them. I’m going to have to leave, and…” She bounced her forehead on his shoulder for a moment, then stood. “It’s okay. I just miss you when I have to leave.”
“I miss you, too,” he said. She nodded.
“I know.”
He nudged her.
“Come on. We can at least beat them to the hotel.”
She grinned.
“Yeah.”
He waved at Jason on the way out, but wasn’t able to catch Samantha’s eye. Caroline pulled him out the door.
<><><>
Jason sat at the laptop, tapping idly at keys. Simon had handed off the package of information he had accumulated and gone to bed an hour ago. Sam knocked on the door. Jason got up and opened it, then returned to the laptop.
“You have fun?” he asked. Sam frowned.
“What?”
Jason jerked his head at Samantha where she sat in the corner of the room.
“You’ve been upsetting Sam,” he said. Her eyes were glazed and she slowly dropped her head toward her chest then thumped it against the wall again. Sam went over to her.
“How long has she been like this?” he asked. She pulled her arms away from him, hitting the wall with the back of her head again.
“I suspect you know the exact moment she started,” Jason said.
“What does that mean?”
“What do you think set her off?” Jason asked. Sam stood, looking down at her.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sam asked.
“Shouldn’t have to,” Jason muttered.
“What?”
“She didn’t eat a bite at dinner, either.”
“How do you know?” Sam asked.
“She never chewed.”
She thunked her head against the wall again and Sam knelt and picked her up. She didn’t fight him this time. Every time Jason had tried to get her to quit, she’d fought him like he was trying to feed her into a wood chipper. He looked at his brother.
“Look, I’m not saying you shouldn’t…”
“I should have noticed,” Sam said. Jason nodded.
“She’s been trying to keep it away from you because she didn’t want to get in the way.”
“I don’t know what’s going on with her,” Sam said.
“She said she lost the plot,” Jason said. “I don’t know what that means.”
Sam shook his head.
“I don’t either.”
Sam sat down at the table next to Jason, still holding Samantha. She scrambled away from him and he let her go. The brothers watched as she skittered over to her backpack, taking out a bowl and dumping two vials of liquid into it, then hastily measuring out bits of stuff out of half a dozen others. She tipped it back then dropped the bowl on the floor and dug through her bag for another moment, pulling out a brightly-colored bag of candy and coming back over to sit in Sam’s lap again. She closed her eyes and sat, chewing candies, for the next several moments. Jason looked at Sam and Sam shook his head.
“Do the job,” she said through her teeth. Jason pulled his mouth to one side, then turned the computer to where Sam could see it.
“Police served a bunch of warrants to a morgue at a hospital in town. Thought they were trafficking organs and tissues. Couldn’t find any evidence of sales so the investigation fell apart. Simon figures they’re just eating it all.”
“Sounds like a solid lead,” Sam said. Jason nodded. About as fool-proof as they ever got.
“Sneak in tomorrow, take a look around?” he asked.
“I can do that,” Samantha said.
“Sweetheart, I don’t think you’re up for it,” Jason said. Sam looked down at her for a long time, then looked up at Jason.
“That’s the only thing she’s up for,” he said. “We should let her do it.”
“Can you get her to eat?” Jason asked. “And sleep? I don’t want her passing out in a hospital and making a scene.”
“I know a spell that would drop you on the floor dead,” Samantha said. Jason grinned.
“That’s the girl I’m looking to work with.”
“You do need to eat,” Sam said. She shook the bag of candy enough to make the contents clatter.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you can’t live on sugar and beer,” Jason said.
“Maybe you can’t,” Samantha said. Someone knocked on the door and Samantha rolled out of Sam’s arms before he co
uld catch her, crawling across the floor to lean against a bed. Her eyes were still closed and she pulled her knees up against her. Jason looked at Sam and stood to answer the door.
“Making any progress?” Caroline asked.
“Yeah,” Jason said. “Why don’t I show you what we’ve got?”
He motioned behind Caroline’s back at Samantha. Sam stood.
“Sam and I were going to take a walk,” he said. “You mind?”
Caroline looked at Jason, unimpressed, but shrugged.
“Okay. Don’t be too long. I like to start my days early when I’m working.”
Jason fought off the urge to wrinkle his nose. Even with the habit of getting up before sunrise ingrained, he didn’t like people who liked to be up early. He watched Samantha as Sam walked over to her, willing her to cooperate, to go with Sam. To come back better. She looked up at Sam and held out a hand for him to help her up, and they walked out. Jason stood next to Caroline for a minute, then motioned to the computer.
“So let me show you what Simon sent us.”
<><><>
There was a half-wall made of bricks at the end of the parking lot that they found to sit on. Samantha looked up at the sky for a while, but it was overcast.
“I miss stars,” she said finally. She handed Sam the bag of candy and he set it on the ground by his foot.
“What’s going on, Sam?”
She smiled.
“What do you want me to say?”
“Start with the truth.”
“I would never lie to you.”
“You couldn’t anyway.”
She dropped her eyes.
“No. I couldn’t.”
“Is this about me and Caroline?”
She looked at him, eyes steady.
“Some. I’m sad. I’m upset.” She shook her head, looking out across the black stretch of space outside the range of the parking lot lamps. “I don’t know what we’re doing any more.”
“What do you mean?”
“I train you. I train Jason. We kill things that absolutely shouldn’t exist here. All good, important things. But why?”
“What else should we be doing?” he asked.
“I don’t know. It’s just not any fun, any more.”
“Life isn’t always fun,” Sam said. It felt like something that had been repeated to him often, but he couldn’t remember who said it. Her eyes were soft and she looked down at her hands.
“I know. Life isn’t usually fun.” She looked up at him. “But it was, with you, for a while. With you and Jason. I’d forgotten how to have fun.”
“Is this about Alexander?”
He felt like he was stabbing in the dark. He usually knew exactly what was going on, when to ask, when to leave well enough alone, but she had withdrawn so far. How had he missed her doing it?
“It doesn’t have to be about anything,” Samantha said. “I’m just waiting for something to happen, and I don’t like being like that. I want to be the hunter, not the hunted.”
“So what should we do?” Sam asked.
“The next thing,” she said. “And then the thing after that. But… I want a better plan. I want to get a grip on what’s going on and be the one with the surprises.”
“You don’t feel like you,” Sam said.
“No. I don’t.” She looked up at him again then back down at her hands. “You don’t feel like you, either.”
“I didn’t mean to…” He stopped. What? Move on? He certainly had. Change? That wasn’t entirely true either. “I didn’t mean to leave you.”
She laughed bitterly and pushed her hair behind her ear.
“That’s how girls are. They can have guy friends, but guys can’t have girl friends. I don’t know. The math on it doesn’t work out, but that’s how it always seems to work.” She chewed on her lip. “She’s a good person, and she makes you happy. I don’t want you to walk away from that.”
“I didn’t realize you…” he trailed off when she silently pleaded that he not finish the awkwardness of that statement.
“I hadn’t thought it through,” she said. “Bonding had so many side effects I didn’t think about. I don’t want to be the reason that you think you can’t…” He could feel her skin crawl as she avoided thinking about his sex with Caroline directly. “I’m still trying to figure something out. If you could talk Jason into just knocking me out, that would be the easiest.”
“No,” Sam said. “That’s insane.”
“That’s what Jason said.”
“You already asked him…”
She looked up at him and he felt his insides freeze. How much not-paying-attention had he done?
“Where are you going?” he asked. “When you keep pulling away?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never had to explain to anyone before. Before I had a place to go, in my head, I’d just… stop thinking. Stop being part of the world. When I was a kid and I was feeling so sorry for myself and hating myself for being so pathetic… I couldn’t make my brain shut up, so I’d just make it stop talking.” She frowned. “That’s the same thing, I guess. I’ve just always done it.”
She had more words, but she cut them off, embarrassed, maybe a little guilty. He didn’t understand why.
“Stay with us,” he said. “We need you.”
“Tomorrow,” she said. “I’ll get through tomorrow.”
“Will you eat?” Sam asked. “Jason doesn’t worry about much, but…”
She closed her eyes and tipped her head back.
“I don’t have the energy,” she said. He opened his mouth to argue, but she made a small motion with her hand to indicate there was no point. “I’ll try.” She dropped her head again. “I know Caroline doesn’t like it, but will you try to stay closer? You were a long way away, in Memphis.”
“Yeah. That was a mistake. I’m sorry.” There was a flash of hope and he nodded. “Yeah, you weren’t the only one.”
The relief washed over with guilt. He put his hand on the top of her head.
“It’s okay. Let me worry about me and Caroline. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, it isn’t going to be your fault.”
There was an angry little internal fight, but Sam didn’t get to hear which side won; she stayed silent.
“We should go,” she said.
“Yeah. I guess.”
Samantha lifted her head and pressed her lips together.
“Caroline will be waiting.”
He wished he could have hidden the jolt of giddiness that that knowledge gave him. Samantha stood and walked back toward the room.
“I’m going to go sleep, now,” she said. He frowned. Jason had said that she had slept all day, but he didn’t say anything. He wasn’t going to be able to change what she did; all he could do was hope that she was taking good enough care of herself to not cause permanent damage. She looked back at him at the door.
“Be happy, Sam. I do want you to be happy.”
<><><>
Samantha disappeared into the hospital in her black dress carrying her clipboard.
“You guys are serious?” Caroline asked. “You’re going to let her go in there, no ID, no weapons, and spy on a family of wraiths?”
“Just happened,” Jason said.
“She isn’t unarmed,” Sam said. Jason snorted.
“This works for you?” Caroline asked. Jason looked over his shoulder and grinned at her.
“Hard to believe, the first time, I know,” he said.
“She seemed really out of it last night,” Caroline said. Sam looked up.
“Hmm?”
He was listening hard to Samantha. She hadn’t slept the night before. She had tried, but instead she had just drifted further and further away. When Jason had gotten up that morning, she had jolted alert hard enough to wake him. She had been apologetic, but he was sorry he had left her alone all night.
Her mind was on the task, now, and she was functioning at a clean level of intellect and reason, simply discarding
the swamp of everything else for the time being. She fed back to him her reactions to the hospital as she explored. Jason said something to Caroline. Caroline answered him. Samantha was impressed and comfortable in the hospital, several times reacting to what felt like people with a degree of pleasure. The hospital was clean, well-organized, and the staff was friendly.
She made her way downstairs and she grew less content. Color, if he had to guess. She was picky about color. The main floor was probably white. The basement, he closed his eyes, was likely gray. And quiet. She was moving with more care.
“Right, Sam?” Caroline said.
“Sorry, what?”
“Where did you just go?” she asked.
“Sorry, just wandered off,” he said. “What did you say?”
“I said that the point of having backup is that you don’t go in by yourself.”
“Yeah,” Sam said.
“Think, then speak,” Jason said.
“Oh. Right. No, she’s okay.”
“How do you know?” Caroline said. He felt her fingers wrap tighter around the clipboard, four sharp points on each hand at the crease of each finger. That would be her hugging the clipboard against her chest, out of sight. Listening. He felt her focus pick up as something happened. She wasn’t concerned. Just alert.
“She knows what she’s doing,” Jason said.
“Famous last words,” Caroline said. “And what do you expect her to bring back from this?”
Samantha dropped the clipboard back down and he lost it as she braced herself, stern resolve, putting on a character. There was the commanding, big presence he felt when she was in New York. The one that bossed around demons. She was safe inside that persona, shielded from everything outside of herself. From everything but him. Caroline and Jason were still bickering over the plan, and he felt a stab of pride that Samantha could just walk in and expect to be respected and - in this mode - answered, when she asked questions. She noticed him and nudged him away playfully. He was being distracting. He found himself smiling. That was the woman he knew.
“Sam, would you let me go in there on my own?” Caroline asked. He wasn’t prepared and spoke too quickly.
“No.”
She huffed forward in her seat.
“Why her and not me, then?” she asked. A very strange expression crossed Jason’s face, and Sam wished he had had a chance to ask what it meant.
