THE DOORMAT
Hours after I hear my son’s heartbeat strong and steady, I still feel as if I’ve lost him. The grief hangs over me.
But I also feel guilty. About spending Jack’s money on a hospital visit. And making a bad first impression with his father. Mostly, I feel guilty for having another chance at happiness even though my lost baby never will.
When I arrive home, Rebel doesn’t look at me. Leaving him behind was a mistake, but I was afraid for him to see my reaction when I heard the bad news. Now I wish I’d done things differently.
Jack leaves me on the couch where I’m quickly joined by Soso and Sissy. Maddy also kneels in front of me and asks if I need anything. I say no, but she brings me a glass of ice tea. After one sip, I realize how thirsty I am and end up drinking the entire thing.
Soon, Lily covers me in a quilt because she notices I’m shivering. Panni even removes my shoes. Despite the trip to the hospital being a false alarm, everyone wants to help me.
Around the connected family room and kitchen, people talk about work, kids, and ball kicks. The last one is mostly Butch and Bubba.
Their wives comfort me. Sissy sets a pillow on the coffee table and insists I put up my feet. Soso asks me to close my eyes and imagine a happy moment. I’m afraid my mind will show me something evil, or I’ll hear one of those nagging voices reminding me of all my failures.
But instead, I see Jack, Rebel, and me at Beetle Bug Nostalgia Theater, watching an old superhero movie. I’ve wanted to go back there so badly since I had to quit.
I imagine Jack whispering funny comments to me during the movie like he does when we watch TV shows. In my mind, Rebel sits with his legs crisscross and his elbows resting on his knees. He always looks so adorable when he watches a movie at the theater.
The images in my head lift much of the grief and guilt from my heart. I open my eyes and smile at Soso. She doesn’t say anything. I think she knows how difficult being in the “now” can sometimes be. Sissy does too. They’ve both gotten a taste of hell and survived. I can too, even though I feel guilty for wanting to be happy. How can I smile when my lost child never will?
Rebel appears next to the couch, watching me in that way he used to after I lost the baby. I’d been out of control then. Lost in my grief and shame, I wanted to die. Sometimes, I thought killing Rebel and myself was the only way we’d ever be free.
Then I’d look at Rebel and find my way out of the darkness. I’d cook him dinner, or talk about a comic book, or cuddle on the couch watching TV. So many times, Patrick stayed out all night, and I could forget he existed. Those were the moments when escaping felt most possible.
Rebel takes Sissy’s place on my right side. Not long afterward, Jack joins me while Soso walks over to find out why Bubba’s so insistent on talking ball shots.
Maddy and Sawyer bring us plates of food to eat on the couch. I sit with Jack and Rebel while a house full of people moves around us. There’s comfort in the chaos. These people came here because I matter. Some of them barely know me yet, but they love Jack. One day, they might love Rebel and me too. We’re not alone anymore.
Hours pass, and people leave. Sissy and Butch with their four kids head out first. Hart tells Rebel goodbye, and my boy gives his new friend a weird smile. I think he’s embarrassed to have cried in front of him. Hart leans over and whispers something in Rebel’s ear. Whatever he says, my son relaxes and nods.
“See you tomorrow,” Rebel whispers after Hart returns the comic book that Jack bought him.
Maddy is the last to leave. Then the twins are in bed, followed by the girls. Phoebe and Scarlet ask if we need anything before leaving us to a quiet house.
Rebel and I should go to bed in the guest room, but I don’t want to leave Jack yet. He sits with his arm around my shoulders while Rebel rests his head against my chest. We’re all tired. We need to go to bed, but no one wants to get up. Remaining on the couch keeps us together, and I feel like that’s more important than sleep.
“I have an idea,” Jack says. “Feel free to shoot it down and crush my spirits. I won’t mind. I promise.”
I smile at his wording before he continues. “I know the bed in the guest room is comfy as fuck, but it’s not big enough for three people. Well, four technically,” he says and caresses my belly. “The couch in the RV pulls out to a bed. Why don’t you three sleep at my place tonight? That way, I can keep an eye on you.”
I run my fingers through Rebel’s hair, and he looks up at us. “What do you think?” I ask, knowing how much he loves the bed in the guest room.
“We can try it tonight. If we don’t like it, we can sleep in the guest room tomorrow.”
I study his face to make sure he isn’t only agreeing because he thinks it’s what we want. Rebel’s sleepy eyes promise he’s actually interested in trying out the new sleeping arrangement.
We grab a few things from our room and walk over to Jack’s RV. The chilly evening leaves me shivering, but the RV is surprisingly appealing. Mostly because Jack’s cologne lingers in the air.
The couch pulls out into a double-sized bed. Once we get it set up, Rebel immediately climbs in and covers himself in a quilt.
“Does it suck?” Jack asks Rebel, who smiles and shakes his head. “We’ll be right there. I promise we won’t make any weird noises if you get my drift.”
Rebel frowns and looks at me. “What?”
Smiling at his confusion, I just kiss his forehead. “Wake me up if you need anything.”
Jack places the TV remote next to Rebel. “Just in case you need help sleeping. Also, maybe tomorrow when I wake up, you can join your mom in the big bed. That way, I can get ready without having to climb over you.”
Smiling easily, Rebel looks up at us as if this is the only life he’s ever known. His tranquil demeanor helps me relax too.
“Is the bed lumpy or hard?” Jack asks me.
“It’s perfect,” I whisper in the dark room with only a bit of moonlight streaming through the shades. “This was a good idea.”
Jack strips down to his boxers and joins me in bed. I know he’d like to do some fun stuff. I wouldn’t mind either, but Rebel’s been traumatized enough today.
His mind on the boy too, Jack calls out, “Are you still cool, Rebel?”
“Yeah.”
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” Rebel says back.
“I love you,” I add.
“I love you too.”
This goes on for a while until Jack kisses me and shuts up our Waltons-like bedtime routine.
Soon, Jack and I watch each other in the dim light.
“I love you too,” I whisper as my eyes burn from fatigue. “You said you loved me at the hospital, and I didn’t say it back.”
“Oh, I hadn’t even noticed how you left me hanging,” he teases, snuggling closer. “I meant it too. Those weren’t just words I threw out because you were upset.”
“I know. You’re not a good liar. If I’d known that about you when we met, I would have called you like I promised. But I didn’t think a man as sexy as you would be such a shitty liar. Then again, when you look this good,” I whisper, stroking his sharp jaw, “you don’t have to lie well.”
Jack presses his forehead against mine. “I want to fuck you so bad right now.”
“And I want you to fuck me so bad right now.”
“But we have responsibilities,” he says in a fake stern voice. “We’re parents, Georgia. You need to stop being such a bad influence on me with all your temptation.”
“Hell yeah,” I say, and he smiles wider.
“Should we talk about today or should we sleep and pretend nothing bad can touch us?”
“I’ve never felt safer in my life, and I don’t want to change that,” I murmur and kiss him before my fatigue tugs me into sleep.
Today felt like a test for all three of us. I don’t know if I passed or not, but Jack kept his act together for Rebel and me. He’s the real MVP of our new littl
e family.
THE HOTHEAD
Georgia is an entirely different kind of beautiful when she sleeps. Stripped of her fears, free from her need to be what she thinks others expect, innocent in a way she probably hasn’t felt in twenty years. I can’t take my eyes off her as the early morning sun filters into the RV.
Leaving her to work feels wrong. I could remain here until she and Rebel wake up. We’ll spend the morning together. Then the afternoon and the evening. The entire day without any distractions.
But soon the weather will be too cold for me to work outside much. I’ll be around a lot then. Most late autumns and winters drive me fucking nuts out of boredom. This year, though, I’ll have plenty to keep me occupied.
I’m able to get ready without making too much noise. Until I forget how loud the toilet flushes and wake everyone up.
But Rebel is a very obedient half-asleep kid. I whisper for him to keep his mom warm, and he shuffles from the pullout bed to the king-size. I see her cover him with a blanket and those two are sound asleep again by the time I’m ready to leave a half-hour later.
Standing at the doorway, watching them, I embrace the feeling in my chest. This kind of love isn’t something I knew what to do with during those first few days. The kid freaked me out. I kept thinking Georgia would run. Now I can’t imagine feeling any different.
By lunch at the pub, I’m already thinking about a house for my new family. Sleeping all in one place felt fucking right. I checked on Rebel twice. Whenever I woke, I found Georgia resting peacefully. We need to be in one place.
But living in the RV isn’t an option. There’s no privacy. Besides, the baby is only a few months from joining us, and kids need a ton of shit. No way can we fit comfortably in the RV.
At lunch, I hope to talk to Bubba about open rental properties in Conroe. Rather than finding my cousin at the pub, Pop sits at the back booth. I know he planned to stick around for a few days, but I’m still surprised to see him.
“How’s your woman?” he asks when I slide in across from him.
I take note of his wording. That’s a good step. I didn’t want to have to knock him in the mud again.
“Feeling calmer.”
“Is she always that emotional?”
My good mood disappears. “She lost a baby before and couldn’t feel my boy kicking. She’d have to be a cold bitch not to get emotional.”
“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, boy. I’m just curious.”
“Fine.”
“Bailey gave me the stats on your woman and the Milkweed bunch. Couldn’t you fall for someone with a little less baggage?”
Sagging in the booth, I frown at him. “What is it that you’re hoping for here?”
“We used to talk.”
“Yeah, we used to do a lot of shit, but then you turned your back on Scarlet and started fucking women besides Mom and...”
Pop pounds on the table and growls, “I’ve never cheated on your mom.”
“Are you saying you've gone without fucking for nearly five years?”
“Of course not.”
Rolling my eyes, I mutter, “But that’s not cheating?”
“Not if the fucking is with your mom, smart shit.”
Pop points and laughs at my horrified expression. “Did you really think your mom and I didn’t hook up at all for five fucking years? Come on, kid. You don’t stay married as long as we have without loving what the other one offers.”
“This information both relieves and nauseates me.”
“Don’t play the prude,” Pop says, smiling behind his beer bottle. “You're the one with a kid from a one-night stand. I knocked up your mom the old-fashioned way.”
“By replacing her pills with Tic Tacs?”
“No, by replacing them while in a committed relationship.”
“Then why replace them?”
Pop shrugs. “I thought she was going to quit school and move back to her craphole town. If you find the right woman, Jack, you need to be willing to cheat, steal, and kill to keep her.”
“Mom knew, though, right? I mean, are Tic Tacs even the same shape as birth control pills?” I ask, having always wondered.
“It’s been thirty years. How the fuck am I supposed to remember what her pills looked like?”
Shaking off the idea of my pop making booty calls to my mom, I order lunch and check my phone.
“Her boy’s well behaved. Not rude like some kids,” Pop says.
“You mean your grandkids?”
“Nothing wrong with my grandkids.”
“Is it enough?” I ask, focusing hard on his face. “Driving two hours to fuck your wife and then just leaving. Is that all you need?”
“Boy, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Stop calling me boy as if I’m too young to comprehend the beauty of a booty call relationship.”
“Don’t talk about your mom like that,” Pop growls, giving me the terrifying frown other men fear.
“You’re the one who shows up to get laid.”
“Fuck off,” he says and waves his hand in front of my face as if he can swipe me into off mode. “We talk plenty.”
“Then why aren’t you together?”
“Ask your mom.”
“I know why. Do you?”
Pop takes a fork and carves a little nick into the old wooden table. “Shit gets messed up, and it’s not always easy to put things back the way they were.”
“You could move here.”
“I’m the VP in Ellsberg, and that isn’t going to change. If I wanted to walk away, I’d have done it when Colton was sniffing around my fucking spot. Or when Bailey was putting crap together here.”
“You could have been president here and out from under your brother’s shadow. Why not move to Conroe?”
“I didn’t fucking want to,” Pop says, shrugging like a scolded kid.
“Because Scarlet was here with Phoebe?”
“Not everything is about your sister.”
“Yeah, some of it’s about her wife.”
Pop frowns ugly at me. That look causes many men to shit themselves, but I’ve never been one of them. My pop used to carry me around the local fair even when I was Rebel’s age. I’d just say I was tired and he’d haul me onto his back. The guy’s a fucking puss when it comes to his kids. Or, at least, he was. Maybe I should be worried he’ll nail me in the jaw.
“About your woman—”
“Her name is Georgia,” I say and spot Bubba and Butch entering the pub. I signal for them to join us and kill the awkwardness. Instead, they bump into each other and nearly knock down a waitress in their hurry to bail.
“I hope whatever they eat for lunch gives them diarrhea,” I mutter as they escape.
“Back to your woman,” Pop says, fucking with me by not using her name. “Are you a hundred percent ready for the possibility that it’s not your kid? I mean, I know you said you’re on board a hundred percent and that’s really romantic. I just want to make sure your ego is as okay on that outcome as your heart.”
“Mom might have eyes for another guy,” I mumble, remembering something Scarlet said months ago. She wanted to trick Mom and Pop into getting jealous. Scarlet figured this tactic worked on TV shows, so it would totally pan out in real life too. “I don’t know if that’s a problem since you’re still booty calling her sweet ass.”
Pop reaches over to smack me in the head. I easily dodge his attempt. “Don’t talk about your mom’s ass.”
“Look, I’m old enough to accept that my mother has it going on in all the right places.”
“Vile turd,” he growls. “She isn’t interested in no one.”
“Like she’d really tell you.”
Pop narrows his eyes. “She’s a married woman. If someone is making a move on her, I need to make that problem disappear.”
“Married in name only.”
“Shut up. We’re working things out.”
“Yeah, sure.”
&nbs
p; We fall silent when lunch arrives. Pop nearly finishes his sandwich before pointing at me. “I know what you’re doing,” he grumbles.
“Took you long enough.”
“You think you can distract me from worrying about you by making me worry about your mom. Well, I’m not a fucking idiot, Jack. I won’t fall for your stupid fucking tricks.”
“You sound pretty angry there, Pop. Should I get you a Valium?”
“You used to show me more respect.”
“That’s because I used to respect you more.”
Pop pounds on the table, but he’s all bluster. Or not. I don’t really know him anymore. The guy I miss wouldn’t avoid his daughter. Or disown his grandsons. Or be content with only booty calls with his “flower.”
The man across from me is just a shell of that man, and I don’t really want him around Georgia. He’s fine when he shuts up and shift into a protective mode like with Rebel. But once he opens his mouth, I don’t know what he’ll say or do.
That’s why I leave lunch without taking him up on his offer on dinner with Georgia and me. I feel a little guilty blowing him off, but I have responsibilities now, and I don’t doubt he’d do the same thing back in the day to protect his family.
By the time I arrive home from work, I’m still thinking about lunch with Pop. I keep waiting for something to click in his fat head and return him to the man I knew years ago.
But a little part of me worries that I never really knew him. I’d just built up a lie based on childish fantasies.
Seeing my sister waiting for me when I arrive home only worsens my mood. I feel like I should hug away her sadness over Pop, but she gives me that “you stink” look when I get too close.
“Georgia is cooking dinner again,” Scarlet says, following me to the RV. “We need to talk.”
“Is this about Pop? I think I made him cry a little on the inside today. You’re welcome.”
“Screw that. I want to talk about you moving.”
I stop peeling off my sweaty clothes and frown at her. “What about it?”
“I don’t think you should.”
“Why is that, big sissy?” I ask, giving her a teasing grin.
Heart Like Mine (Reapers MC: Conroe Chapter, #3) Page 18
