by C. L. Alden
“Oooh.” On instinct, she walked over to him, grabbed his hand, turned him around so that she could run his bleeding finger under water. She dried it with a paper towel and took a look. “Not too bad.” She folded a dry piece of paper towel and wrapped it tightly around his finger. “Keep that on there.” She went to the laundry room and got a bandage and some Neosporin. Taking his hand again, she unwrapped the finger, used a Q-tip to add a dollop of the ointment and put a Band-Aid on snugly. “All better,” she said looking up at him. Their eyes met. Her heart stopped for a moment, and the pain of what used to be began to seep in.
“Thank you.”
This was the perfect segue to get him out of the kitchen. “Okay, no more knives for you.” She said steering him out of the kitchen area to dining room side of the bar. She took out a box of crackers and grabbed a plate. From the refrigerator she took a container of Boursin cheese spread, put it in the middle of the plate, splayed some crackers around the cheese, and handed it to him. “Here, take this out, and go relax. I’ll finish up and be right out.” She grabbed his beer and ushered him out the door. Once alone, she mixed another drink, and got back to the business of preparing the steaks and wrestling her emotions back, to deep under wraps again, where they couldn’t be seen or cause any trouble.
Dinner was easier. The night was mild, so they ate out on the deck. The two double vodkas had undoubtedly helped. Hank filled any void in conversation there would have been with funny stories about when he was a kid, and how life in Shoreton had been back then. Darcy found that she could relate more to Hank’s stories now that she’d somehow—and she wasn’t ready to delve into how— seen firsthand what life was like back then. He also reminded Darcy and Will of funny and some rather embarrassing stories from their teen years.
***
When Darcy came back from cleaning the kitchen, which she had eagerly volunteered to do, she saw the light of the bonfire. Damn. She couldn’t not go down there, she thought. Sooner or later someone would come up and and get her. She didn’t want her absence to become a big deal, or have Will or anyone think there was a problem. It’s not a problem, she told herself. It’s ancient history. She grabbed the remaining beer and cider from the fridge and headed down the rocks.
Will was seated on a large piece of driftwood by the fire, stoking it and adding wood. Hank sat further back on a large flat granite rock, with Millie right beside him.
“I see you have a new bestie, Dad.” Darcy knew Millie’s loyalty had been bought by the not so secret bits of steak he fed her under the table during dinner. “I brought reinforcements,” she said holding up the six packs, as she started navigating down the large stones. It certainly didn’t feel as easy as it did when she was a kid, and the darkness and drinks weren’t helping. She used to be able to go up and down the rocks practically blindfolded.
Will got up and climbed halfway up the rocks to meet her. He held out his hand and she passed him a six pack. He took it and then held out his hand again. She didn’t want to need to take it, but she also didn’t want to fall. She swallowed her pride and took his hand. When she got to a flat stone almost at the bottom, she let go.
“Thanks.”
Will handed Hank a beer as he headed back over to the fire. Even as far away as Darcy was, she could feel the heat. The night had brought cooler temperatures, and the fire felt good. She sat down and inched the rest of the way to the bottom on her butt. She settled on her favorite rock close to the fire. She had so many memories of good times down on the beach at this firepit. Mussel Ridge had been a good place to grow up. She looked up at the sky. Away from the city lights, the sky was a blanket of stars. Peace washed over her as she looked up at the vast array twinkling above her. This was home. She looked for constellations that she used to know, blocking out everything for a moment and just enjoying the firelight and stars.
The quiet was broken when Hank started singing an old John Denver tune, “Back Home Again”. Darcy rolled her eyes and laughed. She loved to hear her father sing.
He sang the first verse, then coerced Darcy to join in. “Come on Darce, sing it with me. I know you know this one.”
What the hell, Darcy chimed in, singing the second verse.
Before too long, Will jumped in.
“I didn’t know you knew this song.” Darcy said to Will.
“Are you kidding? Don’t you remember, one of his greatest hits cassettes was jammed in the player of the Escort. I know a lot of John Denver songs.”
Hank started the next verse and they all joined in. Singing was a good distraction. They ran through a few other songs, along with a few more beers and cider, and finished their set with a little “Rocky Mountain High”.
“That’s it for me.” Hank said, getting up and making his way up the rocks. Millie followed, most likely hoping there would be more food. “I’m cold and my ass is asleep. I’ll bring Millie inside with me. Good night.”
Darcy looked over at Will. Her dad had been the buffer. She could manage, had managed, this little reunion with a buffer. She did not want to be alone with him right now. With her dad gone, she felt exposed and vulnerable. She stood up. “Maybe I should get a bucket of water, so we can put this fire out.”
“No, please. Stay. The fires getting low. Can’t we sit here a little longer? We haven’t had a chance to talk.”
“It’s getting late…”
“Come on, Darce. We haven’t seen each other since—”
Since when, Will? Was he actually going to say it, she wondered?
“in ages. I’ve—”
Oh here we go...Darcy grabbed a cider, cracked it open and took a swig. It felt like her emotions had gone from a three to an eleven in a matter of seconds. Though she’d tried to bury it, she had felt the threat of this conversation just under the surface all night. Every time she’d looked at him she was reminded of what used to be, both the good and the bad. She could tell that he was reminded too. His eyes held their history, and reflected back to her the memory of the devastation she felt when they ended. She had managed to contain it because her dad was there as her tether to the present and his reality. He liked Will. He didn’t know why they broke up, or how bad it had been. Darcy had kept that all to herself. There were moments, like when they were singing, that felt so warm and natural, like none of the bad stuff had happened. And moments of sheer sadness when she realized all that had been lost. All that could have been. Remembering had brought emotions that she had long buried back to the surface and laid them open and raw. Don’t do it, Darce. Just leave it alone she told herself. But she couldn’t. It was too late for that. “You’ve what?” She took another swig. He’d best not say he missed her. This niceness, this sincerity, was making her angrier by the second.
“Let’s catch up. It’s been a long time.”
Oh, so that was how it was gonna be? Just sweep everything under the frickin’ carpet? Yes, it was a long time ago. And yes, she probably should’ve been over it by now, but seeing him again, remembering what he had meant to her, plus the booze, and already riding a thin edge with all the other crazy stuff happening was making that extremely difficult. She took another deep swig, and sat down on a rock across the fire from him. She fortified the inner defenses she had built years ago, because of him, and moved forward. “Okay, sure. How ya been, Will? What have I missed in the last decade or so?” Her tone was oddly calm.
“Please don’t do that.” He sounded so serious and the look on his face was somber.
Oh hell no! He was gonna tell her how to act? Unh-uh. “Do what?”
“Shut down.”
She kept herself in check and calmly asked, “What would you like me to say?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted.
“We’ve been out of eachother’s lives for well over a decade, Will. You did that.” Steady, she thought to herself. Don’t look back.
“I know.”
“Well, good. There you go. We’ve got that cleared up. We can call it a night.”
/> “I’ve missed you.” he said looking at her from across the fire.
“Oh no! Don’t you do that! Unh-unh.” she said shaking her head. She was not in a good place to deal with this right now.
“Darce—”
“Why are you doing this?”
“It matters to me. Seeing you, after all these years...I realize, you still matter to me.”
Darcy shook her head and chuckled at this declaration. Really? Don’t wanna go there. Nope. “Why now? Can’t we just end this night on a good note, and leave the past in the past? I’ll be gone in a few days.”
“No. What, and wait another fifteen years?”
Darcy’s anger flared up before she could tamp it down. “What do you mean, wait? For what? You ended us!” She could feel the wall she built up inside starting to weaken.
“I know I did.”
“So why are we having this conversation now? There’s no point! You’ve had years, Will.”
“I’m sorry.”
Darcy didn’t dare to look at him. Those two words cut through her. What she would have given to hear those words years ago, when she was searching for an explanation. When she had spent hours, days, months trying to make sense of what had happened, and above all else, the why of it? Why? She never saw it coming. She still didn’t know, but with more years under her belt, and more experience, she had finally accepted that she would probably never know, and at the end of the day, it didn’t matter. It it is what it is, she said to herself.
“I don’t know why I did what I did. I have no excuses.”
His statement was met with silence. His truth made it easier to remain in control. There was no point in talking about it, or in saying everything she had imagined over and over saying if they ever had this conversation. Back then she had run scenario after scenario in her head trying to make sense of it all. Looking at it from every perspective she could think of. And she couldn’t make it make sense. So what was the point in bringing that all back up? In getting upset? And at this point, what would it matter?
She locked everything back down again. Let’s just get this thing moving and over. “Okay...I don’t know what you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me how you’re feeling.”
He was picking at her scar tissue, poking at the wall she had built, trying to find her weak spot. “This is ridiculous! Why are we talking about ancient history?”
“Because it matters.”
“It doesn’t matter! None of it matters anymore.”
“I want you back in my life.”
She couldn’t help herself, she laughed out loud at that.
“I’m not kidding.” He said seriously.
She looked at him like he had lost his mind. “We’re not gonna be friends again. That’s never gonna happen.”
“Why?”
Is he really asking me why? His question was said as a challenge. He was pushing her buttons. With a strangle hold, she choked out the rising anger and other emotions. “You have lost your mind.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
“I want you to tell me.”
“No! There’s no point in talking about this. You’ve moved on. I’ve moved on.”
“How do you know I’ve moved on?”
“What the hell are you doing?!”
“Tell me why you think I’ve moved on.”
“Of course you’ve moved on! That’s why we’re where we are today! You did this! We are having this stupid conversation because of you.”
“How does that make you feel?”
Don’t fucking Dr. Phil me! she screamed inside. He was baiting her. She wasn’t going to bite. She swallowed everything back. “I don’t feel a thing.” she said with an even voice. She got up and walked back towards the rocks to get another cider. When she turned around he standing behind her.
“Yes you do.”
“Don’t fucking tell me how I feel!” She threw the bottle into the darkness and heard it shatter against the rocks. She tried to move past him, to get some distance, to buy some time to shore up the defenses she felt beginning to crumble at an alarming rate. He wouldn’t let her move past. The feeling of being trapped caused her to panic a little and lose more ground in keeping control.
“Then you tell me how you feel.”
“Dammit Will, let’s not do this!”
“Then tell me. You saw me that night with her.”
Darcy could feel the bile rising in her throat. It was survival mode time. “I’m not talking about this.” She tried to duck around him. He blocked her. The panic she felt increased. She needed to get away from him.
“You were supposed to be gone all weekend. You came back early and thought you’d surprise me.”
“Stop talking!” Darcy backed up, and turned around. She considered heading up over the rocks.
As if he read her mind, he took her by the arm and turned her around. He took her hand and held it gently. “It was late. There was a party at the house, and you thought you’d surprise me.”
Darcy wrenched her hand free. The pain and memories were welling up, and she knew if she didn’t get away fast, there would be no holding them back. It felt like she was gasping for air. Fear and desperation mixed with her emotions. She had to get away. She needed time to collect herself. She wasn’t going to let him see. She wasn’t going to give him that power over her. Never let them see you sweat, her inner voice warned. This was survival mode.
She sighed loudly. A great effect, but it was more to release the tension that was building up in her. Steady... “Yes Will, you blew my world up that night. You destroyed us.” She was saying the words. Letting them roll off her tongue like an automaton.
“Tell me how you feel.”
“That’s it. My world was destroyed. I left. I moved on. The end.”
“No! I’m not gonna let you shut down on this like you always do.” Now he was getting upset. The realization brought her down to a deadly calm. She felt the position of power shift to her and immediately she felt like she was regaining some control. She used his flare of emotion to cool hers down. She would turn the tables on him, and wrench back more control.
“Always do?” she asked coolly. “You don’t know me. I’m not the same naive, stupid person that fell in love with you. She’s long gone.”
“I see her.” Will replied in quiet honesty.
“You don’t know who I am, anymore than I know you. That was another life.”
“I do know you. I know that you don’t like to show weakness. That you try to bury things that hurt you.” His emotion was tinged with desperation. Knowing this made Darcy feel like she had the advantage. She started to feel stronger.
“Then you know that anything I did know about you is long buried and forgotten.”
“No it isn’t.” He refused to believe this.
“What do you hope to accomplish by talking about this? It changes nothing. There’s no going back.” She was smooth as glass on the outside.
He wasn’t giving up. In an unruffled voice he continued. “It was late. The party was winding down. You walked around the house looking for me.”
“Are you looking for forgiveness? To ease your conscience? Give yourself a break, Will, that was a long time ago. It’s okay.”
He wouldn’t be shut down. Persistence had always been a strong suit of his. “When you couldn’t find me anywhere, you went upstairs. You saw the candlelight under the door—”
“Go home, Will. Where is your wife? I thought you were married.”
“Nope. Not anymore.” He found a crack and flipped her defense back onto her “And I know you’re not married, but what I want to know is why?”
Okay, now he was intentionally poking the bear, and she knew he knew it. She told herself that she would remain calm.
“That’s none of your business.”
“Oh, but I think it is. I think you never married, because you’re still in love with me. Always have been.”
&nb
sp; Her fatal mistake was that she took his bait “Wow. You’re quite full of yourself.”
“Tell me I’m wrong.”
“You’re wrong.” A slight tinge of anger was now coloring her tone.
Will’s voice remained patient and calm. “Then tell me why? Why haven’t you ever married?”
“None of your goddamn business, but I can assure you, it has nothing to do with you.”
“When you saw the light, you knew I was in there. You swung open the door—”
Darcy was shaking her head. “This is sick! What? Do you have some demented need to see me breakdown?” She could feel tiny tears welling up in her eyes, and at any moment she knew her voice was going to break too. She tried to calm her breathing. Now that she had started, she couldn’t stop. “Do you have some fascination with the inner workings of my soul that you need to hear and see in detail how that made me feel? Should I have broken down right then and there? Would that have given you some satisfaction? Do you feel cheated somehow? I sure the fuck do.” She was afraid of the feelings that were surfacing. She couldn’t control them. She was starting to lose all composure.
“Tell me.”
“No!”
“We were a big part of each other’s lives for a lot of years. We grew up together. We were friends long before we were anything else. You knew me better than anyone else and I knew you. I’m not giving up.”
The anguish that welled up inside her squeezed her chest so tight, it felt like she would never breathe again. She couldn’t look at him. She was blinded by grief. “You did give up! You gave it all up, and never looked back.” Deep breaths were not helping to calm her down.
“I have looked back. I’ve thought about you a lot over the years.”
“Bullshit!” Darcy shoved past him and headed back towards the fire, and beyond it, just out of the fire light. She didn’t want to be there. Didn’t want him to see her. It was all unraveling, years of walls and defenses that she had piled up, were crumbling.
“I could say that I was drunk. I was. But mainly I was young and stupid.”
There was nowhere to run.
