by Mary Grand
‘I’m angry about the money, but even more about her lying to me. Thank you for the date, but I think I need to see what she is up to before we go paying out for more.’
‘Of course. Let me know in the next week.’
Beth charged up the stairs and straight into Layla’s bedroom.
‘How could you lie to me about your exams?’
‘Eh?’
‘You know, your music exams. How dare you cancel them? Do you know how much they cost?’
‘I told you I didn’t want to do them.’
‘We paid nearly two hundred pounds for you to do those exams and you couldn’t even be bothered to go to them.’
‘I told you I hate exams.’ Layla turned over in her bed.
‘Don’t ignore me. You always say that, but then you always do well.’
‘Just because I do well doesn’t mean I enjoy it.’
‘You’ve come so far. Grade seven in both. You’ll have them all your life. They’ll go on your personal statement for university. You are so lucky.’
‘So you keep telling me.’
‘Where were you when you should have been doing your exam?’
Layla turned over to look at her. ‘I went to Shepherd’s Chine with Conor. I told him about fossils. He was actually interested.’
‘You went on his motorbike?’
Layla grabbed hold of the top of her duvet cover with tight fists. ‘You never listen to the important stuff, do you?’
‘You’re not allowed on that bike, and you should be concentrating on your work, not wandering around a beach.’
Layla sat up in the bed.
‘Listen to this, Mum. I hate the bloody flute and singing exams. I’m leaving school as soon as I can. I’m going to travel.’
‘Well, I’m afraid to say, you’re wrong. You have to stay in school or do some kind of training until you’re eighteen, so you’d better just get on with it. You are so lucky. You have the chance to make something of your life. You don’t want to end up like—’
‘Like you? Do you hate your life so much? Having me and Adam. Is that why you’re doing this degree?’
‘No. Dad wanted me to.’ It had slipped out so easily.
Layla stared at her. ‘What?’
‘I didn’t mean that.’
‘For God’s sake, Mum. Don’t you ever think for yourself?’
‘Look: this conversation is not about me. It’s about you, and you lying. It’s about me not being able to trust anyone, any more.’
At that moment Sami returned from his run, and he came to see what was going on.
‘I heard voices. What’s wrong?’
Beth told Sami about Layla missing her exam.
‘Do you know how much that exam cost?’ said Sami.
Beth, frightened by the volcano of emotion building, and feeling calmer now herself, stepped in to mediate. ‘Leave it. Layla will take her exams when she is ready.’
Layla glared. ‘I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment to you. I’m sorry I’m not Adam.’
Sami raised an eyebrow. ‘At least he does some work. I’ve not seen you exactly breaking your back recently. Your music teacher came into the pharmacy about something the other day. Told me you were late with your assignment.’
‘Thank you, Mr Croft,’ said Layla. ‘He is such a creep.’
Beth grimaced at Sami, gestured with her head and they left the bedroom. She shut the door and said to Sami, ‘Why did you wind her up by mentioning the assignment?’
‘It makes no difference what I say. She always gets upset. Some things have to be said, Beth. I know you hate rows, but she has to realise what she has done.’
‘I blame it on this infatuation with Conor,’ said Beth.
‘But he’s never been round here. It’s all in her head.’
‘She spent that other Sunday with him and before that she missed her exams to see him.’
‘He should find it embarrassing: a girl her age after him.’
‘Or flattering. He’s pretty insecure. She’s so vulnerable. I hate to see her so desperate. I should have raised a daughter with more self-esteem. All these right-on books I read to her: Princess Smarty Pants. I bought her a garage. “You can be anything,” I said, when I kissed her goodnight.’
‘But at the end of the day she has to work it out for herself. Right, I think I’ll shower and go down to the pharmacy. It will seem easy after this.’
Beth found Ollie, waiting patiently for his walk. They went out down Castleford Shute again. She stood on the bridge staring at the water. How could Layla do that? It was a lot of money, and she had lied. She’d achieved so little herself. After all, Beth had enough insight to know that for her the children were her main achievement in life. However, what particularly upset her was the lying, the betrayal. It damaged the picture of family life she’d worked desperately hard to construct, of the home life she’d never had herself.
When they were first married, Beth had taught herself some of Sami’s favourite Iraqi meals and endeavoured to have a family meal once a week. It was less frequent now, but today she decided it was something she desperately needed to do. She roasted lamb, cooked rice with cardamom and saffron, and made dolma, stuffed vegetables that Adam loved. As a nod to her own heritage, she made a fresh batch of Welsh cakes for dessert.
That evening they sat down together. Layla was quiet. Adam looked pale.
‘You need to get out of your room, love,’ she said to Adam.
‘Um, yes. Look, while we’re all here, I’ve been meaning to say something.’
Beth looked up alarmed. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘I was thinking of taking a year out.’
‘Cool. You’re going travelling?’ said Layla.
‘Hang on. What’s the matter?’ asked Beth.
‘I’d like to spend a year at the pharmacy, see if it’s what I want to do. What do you think, Dad?’
Sami grimaced. ‘I don’t know. You’re all set for Oxford.’
Beth watched her son: red, flustered. Although part of her longed for Adam to stay at home, she knew it was her duty as his mother to dig deeper. ‘Be honest, Adam. Aren’t you just avoiding facing going away to uni?’
Adam pushed back his chair and Beth heard him run upstairs. They waited, wondering if he would come back, and after a lot of thumping about, he did.
‘This came in the post today.’ He held out black scarf with bright yellow stripes and the crest of Brasenose College on it.
Sami blushed. ‘I thought it would be a surprise.’
‘It nearly killed me, Dad,’ said Adam. ‘Have you any idea how much pressure this puts on me?’
‘I’m sorry. I thought it would motivate you, inspire you.’
‘And you think I need that?’ To Beth’s horror, Adam burst into tears. She’d had no idea he was this stressed.
‘I know going to university is daunting. It’s more than I ever did, but you can do it.’
‘Mum, don’t make him do something he doesn’t want to,’ interrupted Layla.
Beth tried to focus on Adam. ‘I had no idea it was all getting to you. How long have you been feeling like this?’
‘A while now.’
Sami put his hand out. ‘Look, I’m sorry about the scarf. It was stupid. We’ll put it away. You don’t need to decide this now. Keep working for your A levels: see how that goes.’
‘But everyone is expecting me to get the grades, to go to Oxford. What if I fail? Or what if I get there, and everyone is so much cleverer than me?’
‘I understand,’ said Sami. ‘You know, I had done well at school but when I went to university, I found all these kids who’d done as well if not better than me. The ones who’d been to public schools were so confident and I felt miserable.’
Beth bit her lip. Sami had never talked about this before. She’d known he found things hard socially, but she always assumed he’d been more than confident about his academic ability.
‘The thing was, soon it
all settled down. I was doing something I loved, like you with your chemistry. You love it, Adam, you have a real gift for it, and you’ll be with other students who love the subject as well. They wouldn’t have offered you a place if they didn’t think you could cope with the work.’
‘But the rest, Dad, the gowns, the exams. Even the names for the terms. Nothing is like my friends’ universities.’
‘You’ll cope with it all. Why don’t you talk to William? He studied at Oxford.’
‘That was years ago,’ said Adam.
‘What about the new doctor at the practice?’ said Sami. ‘I think she might have gone there. If you want to check before you talk to her you could always check the GMC register online. Every doctor is there. It’s simple, and it will tell you where and when she graduated. If she did, I’m sure she’d be happy to talk to you. She’s very friendly.’
Adam shrugged. ‘I might.’
‘But all that shit, the gowns and things don’t matter,’ said Layla. ‘You’re dead clever. You should go. You have to go, anyway, because I’ve told all my friends now and they’re dead impressed.’ Layla stood up and put her arm around her brother. ‘Bro, you are so clever. But still, you know, as they say: you do you.’
Beth saw Adam put his hand on his sister’s hand, was relieved that early bond between them was still there. She gave a grateful smile to Layla. And, for once, calm settled on the house.
Layla and Adam went to watch a film on Netflix together. Sami found a bottle of wine and poured two glasses.
At that moment Sami’s phone rang. He put down his glass, reached over, placed one hand on Beth’s, and picked up his phone with the other.
Beth watched the lines of stress crease on his forehead and felt his hand squeeze hers.
‘Oh God. Oh, no.’
20
Beth stared through the windscreen as she drove through the dark streets. The lights were on in the pub, cars were already in the car park. They passed the shop where teenagers were hanging about outside, a young woman clutching a pizza in a box. Beth’s emotions were ricocheting off each other like steel balls in a pinball machine. ‘An overdose of pain killers’, that’s what William had said. Beth’s mind couldn’t help linking it to Kathleen. Had Imogen tried to commit suicide because she was guilty of Kathleen’s murder?
As Beth parked next to Sami, she remembered that the last time she came here was to visit the morgue, and shuddered.
Sami paid and put the tickets in both their cars. ‘I’ve put enough on for either of us to stay the night, but this way one of us can get away if we need to.’
They walked past weary looking relatives, into the brightly lit hospital.
Sami received a text and said, ‘William is coming down to meet us.’
Beth had been to a large hospital on the mainland to visit a friend and it had been like entering an airport, but there were fewer shops here. Tonight you could hear footsteps echoing on the tiles. The little shop run by the friends of the hospital was closed; there was no one on reception. Beth used the hand cleanser more as something to do than anything. Then she saw William coming towards them. He walked as if he was at home, briskly. ‘Thank you for coming. I didn’t know who to call. Elsa is up with her.’
They sat down on some uncomfortable plastic chairs. ‘So, what happened?’ asked Sami.
William crossed his arms. ‘It’s not as bad as I feared, but Imogen has got into an awful mess with her painkillers. She has been taking over-the-counter painkillers as well as those that have been prescribed.’
‘Overdosed?’ Beth asked quietly.
‘Not intentionally. I blame myself. I should have realised what was going on.’
Beth gave a silent sigh of relief: it didn’t sound like it had anything to do with Kathleen.
‘What has she taken?’ asked Sami.
William reeled off a list that meant nothing to Beth, but Sami looked grim faced.
‘I knew she was taking pain killers for her back after the fall on your skiing holiday,’ said Beth.
‘That’s right. It was a nasty fall. She was prescribed opioids when we came back. I think after a few weeks, though, she was exaggerating her symptoms because she’s been on them longer than I would have recommended. I know she saw a few different doctors. She told me she saw whoever was available but, looking back, I think she was playing the system.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Her own doctor wouldn’t have let her carry on so long. It’s called doctor shopping.’
‘But her doctor should have been helping her with the pain—’
Beth saw a knowing look between William and Sami.
‘I think she slipped quickly from taking the painkillers for her back to using them to self-medicate for anxiety and stress.’
‘Stress from school?’ asked Beth.
William nodded. ‘I’m sure it was. It’s a hard job and Imogen puts huge pressure on herself. Everything has to be perfect which, of course, is impossible.’
Beth had to admit that what he said made sense.
‘Anyway,’ continued William, ‘the problem was she was becoming addicted without even realising it, supplementing what the doctor prescribed with powerful over-the-counter painkillers. I can see now she must have been going around different pharmacies all over the island.’
‘Imogen was addicted?’ Beth asked in horror. An addict in her mind was some poor person, sitting in a squalid flat, emaciated, bruised: not a professional career woman.
As if reading her mind William said, ‘Addiction can happen to anyone, and with these medications it can happen in just a few weeks.’ He looked over at Sami. ‘I remember back in January you mentioned something about Kathleen being worried about the number of pills she’d seen Imogen with. I did check when I went home, but Imogen must have hidden them away. Still, I should have checked more often. The trouble was I had no idea how dependent she’d become.’
Beth looked at Sami. ‘Wouldn’t the pharmacists have realised, refused to sell them to her?’
‘It sounds like she spread out that risk. Also, some are less scrupulous about these things than others.’ said Sami.
‘So, what happened with Imogen today?’ Beth asked William.
‘Imogen had come home from work early. They’re doing some work in her office. She must have taken something: a mixture. We’re not sure exactly what. It was lucky I came home from work early too though. I knew she was in because her car was there, but I couldn’t find her. I went upstairs, and found her on the bed.’
‘Where was Elsa?’
‘At a friend’s house. Anyway, I dealt with Imogen, rang for an ambulance, and here we are.’
Beth shook her head. ‘It’s so awful. I can’t believe it.’
William stood up. ‘The main reason I called was to see if you can persuade Elsa to come back with you. I don’t want her alone in that house.’
‘Of course. We’ll come up.’
A group of people walked past: porters coming on duty, joking with each other. Beth’s initial reaction was to be annoyed: they should show more respect, talk quietly like they would in a library or a church but, of course, this was their place of work.
They went up a floor, and Beth and Sami waited in the corridor. Elsa came out of the ward on her own, suddenly looking much more like the little girl who would come crying to Beth when she’d fallen over. Beth hugged her. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘I never knew,’ said Elsa.
‘None of us did,’ said Beth. ‘Listen. We’d love you to come home with us. Your mum is in safe hands here.’
‘I don’t want to go. I want to stay with her.’
Beth could hear the desperation in Elsa’s voice. ‘I understand. Well, how about I take you for a coffee in the café here. William can get us if he needs us.’
Sami stayed in the corridor. In the café, there were a few staff sitting on one side, eating as if they had no idea what was going into their mouths. Some were texting.
T
he coffee was weak and milky. Beth and Elsa sipped it, trying to ignore the taste.
Elsa looked up. ‘She will be all right, won’t she?’
‘I’m sure she will. Your mum is strong.’
‘I hate my life,’ said Elsa. She started to cry, dabbing under her eye with the back of her hand to stop her mascara running. Layla would have let the tears fall. Elsa was still aware of appearances, of being on show.
‘I blame Kathleen,’ she continued. ‘You might have all been taken in, but I knew she was a bitch. I found out she’d started nagging William about my portfolio, said Patrick had given me too much help. How dare she? She knew nothing. I told him it was all my own work. She was just poisoning him against me—’ Elsa stopped, sipped her coffee and grimaced. ‘She was one of those pretty women who are used to getting their own way. She manipulated everyone. Patrick just couldn’t see it.’
Elsa spat the words out. Beth realised now she had been too quick to dismiss Elsa’s hatred of Kathleen and her attraction to Patrick as youthful passion. As she sat opposite now, seeing Elsa’s arms crossed and red nails digging into her arms, she saw something deeper, more determined.
‘Patrick and Kathleen had been happily married for a long time,’ Beth said quietly. ‘Every marriage has its problems, but usually, when two people love each other, they work it out.’
‘But they didn’t,’ said Elsa. ‘I don’t care what Patrick said. Kathleen never loved him. He just couldn’t see it.’
‘He talked to you about Kathleen?’
‘When we went on that skiing holiday, I could see he was fed up with her. She never made any effort to come out.’
‘She was still grieving over the death of a friend.’
Elsa waved her hand. ‘She didn’t know that woman well. No, she didn’t come out because she wanted to stay and flirt with William. It was obvious when she didn’t come out skiing with us but stayed back with Mum and William. It was pathetic. Patrick and I had a great time, though.’ She took out her phone, scrolled though the photos and then showed Beth one of Patrick with her on the ski slopes.
‘See. He was happy, wasn’t he?’
‘It looks wonderful,’ said Beth quietly.
