by Dyble, S R
I nodded, trying to imagine my dad in that environment, it was hard for me.
“You sure you wanna talk about this?” he asked and I nodded.
“I was just thinking...”
“Yeah?” he questioned.
“All those times my dad had grilled me about sex, all those times he’d attempted soft conversations with me so that I never felt alone or scared and he was a totally different person in Delta."
Kit shook his head. “He was the same guy. He was that gentle kind of guy, he was also brutal when he had to be."
I nodded again.
“I know he’d be proud of you, Blondie."
“Don't be cringy.” I smiled at him and nudged at his arm with my hand.
“You should get some sleep,” Kit said and brought his lips to my forehead.
"Tomorrow we get to see our baby for the first time- still can't believe it."
Neither could I...
The only difference between us was that I could feel my body changing, I could feel the change in myself as our baby grew inside of me.
Before closing my eyes and being tightly wrapped in Kit’s arms, I made a silent prayer, only a prayer that I could hear inside my head.
I prayed that everything would be okay.
That our baby would be healthy and that we’d all be fine.
Most importantly, I prayed we would all be safe.
Kit had very briefly explained just how safe we would be after the kidnapping.
I knew he didn't want to worry me, and I knew he wanted me to feel safe. With him, I always felt safe, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew the threat was never going to be gone. Like Kit said, these gangs were big and vicious. Somehow my dad’s “best friend” had somehow fallen into one and there was always going to be someone to replace a fallen gang member. It was all I could think about.
I wanted to bring my baby into a safe life, not one full of fear and the possibility that something may happen.
“Hey?” Kit invaded my thoughts and I glanced at him, only for him to have to speak again for me to fully register and return from my daydream.
“Yeah?” I asked and then looked around the waiting room. Had my name been called?
We were currently sitting in the waiting room at the women and children’s hospital along with many other expectant mothers. Each of them looked so happy to be here whilst I must have looked like a miserable cow with my resting bitch face on full display as I shifted in and out of my daydream.
“You okay?” Kit brought my attention back to him and I thought about his question.
Am I okay?
No, I was far from okay.
All of these mothers were sitting here waiting to see their babies for the first time and I was sitting here waiting to be handed bad news.
I hated myself for not allowing myself to just be positive for once but it was the way I was. I had mentally trained myself to just always be prepared for bad news that I couldn’t allow myself to be positive for just once.
“Eves?” Kit brought me back from another daydream just as my name was called from the front of the waiting room.
Shit.
That was me.
A lady smiled at us from where she stood with a set of notes. Taking my hand, Kit gave me a slight tug which pulled me from my seat where I’d been glued.
Pulling up my big girl pants, I moved in front of Kit and charged after the lady and into a corridor, ready to be strong and collected about this.
Just as I was about to reach the room where our verdict was to be given, I felt Kit holding onto my hand and he pulled me to a stop before gently manoeuvring me to the wall.
“Sorry, we’ll be just a minute,” Kit said to the lady.
She nodded and shut the door gently.
“What the hell are you doing?” I asked him quietly.
I tried walking away from him, feeling so embarrassed but he held me there and made me look at him.
“You’re a mess,” he said, looking me in the eyes.
“Wow, thanks… Whatever you have to say it’ll have to wait until after, she’s waiting for us.” My voice broke a little and I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to cry.
My emotions were all on edge and the adrenaline I felt was immense, now knowing I appeared just as much of a mess as I felt, didn't help either.
“Shush,” Kit brought his hand to my face and then around my head to pull my face into his chest. He cuddled me there and even though I knew the lady was waiting I wanted to crawl into his chest and reside there whilst I cried.
When I’d had a few seconds, he looked back at my face.
“We’ve got this, okay? Whatever happens, I’m here. Everything is going to be fine."
I nodded, not only for Kit’s benefit but because I truly wanted to believe it.
Once again Kit took my hand and this time, he led the way.
“Sorry about that,” he said as we entered the room and the lady looked from me back to him.
“Is everything okay?” she asked, looking at me and I realised then that the way Kit had stopped me in the corridor may have looked very different to an outsider.
Kit was a possessive bastard but he wasn’t violent or abusive but the way he held me still in the corridor may have looked that way.
“Yes, I’m just really nervous,” I smiled and her face instantly changed.
“Have you had a bad experience before?” she asked sympathetically.
Jesus, I hadn't thought about all of those poor women who had been through this more than once and had been given bad news more than once. First timers like me, I can imagine, didn't tend to worry about anything bad happening, why would they if they had no reason to believe something bad was going to happen?
I shook my head. “I know things can happen... I’m nervous thinking I could be one of those people."
She nodded. “Everything is going to be fine. If you get comfy on here and undo your jeans, we’ll take a look inside."
“Inside?” Was she going to shove something inside of me?
“With the scanner I’ll be using on your stomach. I shouldn’t need to use an internal probe with you being twelve weeks."
Again, I nodded and eventually managed to get myself onto the bed where I undid my jeans and rolled them down.
Kit took a seat beside me and watched in fascination at what the gynaecologic sonographer was doing.
After pressing a few buttons and re-positioning the screen above the keyboard, she picked up a long piece of equipment attached to the machine and squirted a load of gel onto the end.
“This may be a bit cold,” she said and I nodded as she began smearing the gel onto my stomach with the tip of the scanner.
“Just a few minutes whilst I find Baby,” she then said as she applied pressure and moved it around.
At first, it seemed like hours passed and I began to wonder if all of those tests from ASDA were, in fact, wrong because surely it couldn’t take so long.
Then as the lady turned the screen, she moved the probe around some more and a load of shaded areas and black markings appeared on the screen until as clear as day a mini alien-looking creature appeared on the screen.
“Is that ...?” Kit saw it too and asked in amazement.
Then the lady nodded and smiled.
“Yes, Dad, that’s Baby,” she said before tapping on the keyboard.
“There's Baby’s heartbeat which is nice and perfect,” she added, staring at the screen.
“So, everything is as it should be?” I asked, not taking my eyes away from the screen.
“From what I can see,” she nodded and smiled at me. “I’m just going to check a few more things."
I waited as patiently as I could and took the moment to look at Kit. I wasn’t expecting him to look so gobsmacked but as I smiled at him, he brought his hand to mine and brought it to his lips where he kissed the inside of my palm.
“There’s their feet, two of them.” The lady then started telling us about every
thing she could see and I couldn’t quite believe how lucky I was.
With a slight giggle she pointed to the screen. “They’re giving you a thumbs up there."
Again, she pressed a button on the keyboard, taking pictures of our baby each time.
“I have you at twelve weeks and three days,” she said after measuring the baby.
She then told us my due date and I stopped breathing for a second.
“No?” I asked, totally stunned by what she’d said.
“What’s wrong?” Kit asked.
“That’s my brother’s birthday,” I said, trying not to become emotional as a lump formed in my throat.
I think the lady realised that my brother wasn’t with us anymore because she smiled and even looked a little emotional herself.
She’d wiped my stomach clean of the gel and handed me the tissue to complete the job myself as she congratulated us both.
“Wow,” Kit breathed the second we were away from the hospital and walking back to his car. Until that moment, I had been in complete shock and in complete silence as Kit had led me from the hospital - scan photos in hand. As I looked at Kit, I allowed myself to really smile for the first time.
“Everything is okay,” I said, in case it wasn’t true.
I realised I was maybe being a little dramatic but I really did worry that there would be something wrong.
“Yeah,” he grinned so big and I laughed, loving the playful look he gave me before he unexpectedly reached down and pulled me up against his chest. He did it gently but with so much haste that my legs wrapped around his back as he lifted me with joy.
“I love you,” he said, beaming at me.
I shook my head in disbelief but reflected his happiness and kissed him.
“I love you too. So much."
“It’s definitely a boy...” Nick held the scan photo to his eyes again and studied it like an expert.
“And what if it’s not?” I asked and glanced around at Kit’s brothers sitting around the living room.
They each blew out a breath as if having a girl would be the most stressful thing ever.
“Please don't be a girl!” Kit then said from the kitchen doorway, staring at the ceiling and holding his hands together.
“Hey!” I hissed at him. “They can be whatever they like, as long as they’re healthy."
Each of his brothers then mumbled together, agreeing that being healthy was important too.
“How does a player teach his kid not to be a player?” Jax then asked before walking up to Kit and placing his arm around his neck. He was doing a grand job of messing up Kit’s hair and it made me smile.
“Right, who’s up for a trip to Mothercare?” Nick then said, looking excited.
It made all of Kit’s brothers laugh, and me too.
“You big soft kid.” Kit nudged his arm, only for Nick to look at each of us in question.
As I stared at each of Kit’s brothers and watched how they chatted, took the piss out of each other but loved each other to death, I realised I wanted to be nowhere else. I’d grown to love them all without even realising and in such a short space of time that they equally felt like family. Even Jason, who rubbed me up the wrong way each time of meeting him.
I watched how Kit pushed his brother away and did his best to rub his hair back to normal. I’d fallen head over heels for him, how was that even possible?
Anyway, despite the anxiety, stress and pure fear related to having a baby, there was no one else I’d rather be doing this with.
As I stared at them all my phone buzzed, letting me know I had a text. I’d already texted Lilly with the news. She’d been so busy over the last few weeks with weddings and hair appointments that we’d not really had time to see each other.
Nevertheless, she had rung me daily to ask how “my little pea” was. I made sure to ring both of my grandparents straight after leaving the hospital too, they were the first people I wanted to tell the good news to. I think my grandma even got a little emotional over the phone. That was after ten minutes of trying to teach them how to change the phone to loudspeaker so they could both listen and talk at the same time…
* * *
Half a week later we had time together, the first night in two weeks that Lilly and I had some time for just the two of us. I’d convinced Kit to let my leash loose so I could spend some time with my best friend and after fishing over my scan photos, ordering takeaway and settling down to watch a film I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was up with Lilly.
The privacy we had at her house with her parents not being home, meant we could literally discuss anything without being overheard. Lilly never usually held back if something was bothering her and as we sat down to eat our food on the couch, I brought it up.
“It’s not Nick, is it? I thought you pulled the plug on that crap?” I asked and she shook her head.
“You’ve hardly touched your food, there has to be something wrong...”
“What are you tryna say?” She eyed me.
“Erm, you like food?” I smirked at her. “I like food too, it’s why we make such a good pair. I could literally eat a whole buffet and you wouldn’t judge me...”
It earned a smile, which was a start...
“Just tell me?”
Lilly sighed. “Fine, but before I do, promise me you won't jump to conclusions, okay? It won't be good for the baby..."
“What do you mean?” I questioned. “Why would I?”
I'd turned from quite chilled out to anxious in only a few short seconds, nevertheless as Lilly eyed me again, I swore not to overreact and waited eagerly to hear what she had to say.
“I saw Kit kissing someone."
Gobsmacked wasn’t the word, and as I sat on the edge of the sofa staring at her, she looked away.
“At least, that's what I think I saw...”
Narrowing my eyes at her, I questioned her.
“How can you not know if it’s truly what you saw or not?”
My heart was literally on the edge of shattering, I clung to anything that meant what Lilly was saying wasn’t true.
“Eves, it’s hard to explain. I was at the gym. Kit must have been working elsewhere in the gym like that time we saw him there and this brunette just came out of nowhere and latched onto him. I didn't see anything else because the door I saw them through, closed."
Yep. My heart had literally just shattered at that moment and the need to be sick filled my entire body. I moved the food I had in my hand away from me like it was pure rubbish and I stood up, not knowing if I needed to be sick or not.
“Are you okay?” Lilly stood up and placed her hand on my back as I started pacing the rug and taking deep breaths in and out.
It hit me then.
What if it was the same girl Maddison and I saw him with that day at the gym?
I looked directly at Lilly then, recalling the very distinctive memory I had of that girl.
“Did this girl have a huge arse, with like really tight gym bottoms on? And long brown wavy hair?”
Frowning, Lilly nodded.
I didn’t know why it hurt more knowing it was the same girl, but it did, and a surge of anger built in the depths of my body as I saw Kit’s lips meeting hers over and over in my head.
“Holy fucking shit,” I said quietly before gripping my throat and pelting it to the nearest toilet.
There, I brought up all of the takeaway I’d just eaten and I poured my heart out there too.
“I can’t believe this is happening to me,” I sobbed as Lilly rubbed my back and held my hair back.
“Eves, I could have seen it totally wrong."
Lilly hadn't seen it wrong, she was just trying to make me feel better. Still, there was only one way to get to the bottom of this.
I brought myself to my feet and marched to Lilly’s car with her following behind.
“Are you sure you wanna do this now?” Lilly asked as she followed me out of her house. I was already charging around
the side of her car, waiting for her to unlock it.
“Are you serious? Yes!"
She nodded and locked the front door behind her.
“I’ve gotta admit, I’ve been wanting to smack the little cunt’s face in since I saw it."
We both got in the car and I looked over at her.
“How long has it been since this happened?”
“Yesterday,” she answered, starting her car.
I nodded, knowing full well that Kit had been to the gym yesterday. At least he hadn’t lied to me about that…
“When you saw him with this girl why didn't you approach them - ask them what the fuck they were doing?”
“I did. The door was locked, no one would answer."
“You mean, they went into a room together, kissed and then wouldn’t open the door?!?”
“Now, don't go jumping to conclusions. You getting all worked up isn’t good for the baby. This is why I was slow at telling you, I don't want you getting so stressed out, you're pregnant, Eves.”
Yeah, pregnant with Kit’s child. Kit being a cheating, lying piece of shit!
As I sat there, I tried not to sob but I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face as well as the anger boiling in my gut.
As Lilly pulled up and parked the car, she grabbed hold of my arm before I could get out.
“Stay calm,” she said, looking me dead in the eyes.
I nodded and then slowly got out of the car.
Stopping at the end of the Beck, I held my hands on my hips and took a few breaths as I mentally prepared myself for what I was about to do.
“You okay?” Lilly asked sympathetically.
I nodded and took a large gulp before taking a few steps forward.
It was then that I saw all of Kit’s brothers in the small front garden absorbing the sun with bottles of beer in their hands. Kit was sitting on the bench against the house, a huge grin on his face whilst he spoke with his brothers.
This was it...
I was really doing this.
