by Emma Powell
A message came back almost immediately.
Hi Rich. Her mum died. Funeral’s today. She’s not good. Might not get back to you for a while. Soz. Stay gorgeous x
Rich covered his face with his hands. Poor Laney. He was desperate to be there for her. He messaged Ryan straight back.
Where’s the service?
A few minutes and nothing came back. He messaged again.
Please Ryan. I just want to pay my respects.
His phone dinged with a message.
Tobin Brothers Doncaster Est. 2.30. xx
He jumped off the chair, throwing it backwards onto the floor, and ran out to his car.
When he arrived at the funeral home, it was a relief to find that the service hadn’t started as people dressed in all the colours of the rainbow were still milling around outside the chapel. With all the colour it felt more like a celebration than a mourning.
He felt bland in his brown chinos and black tee, and wished he’d changed into something more appropriate if only he’d known.
He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around.
‘Rich?’ It was Nerida.
‘Nerida, hi.’
‘What are you doing here?’ she asked, a protective scowl on her face.
‘I just need to see her. Ryan gave me the details.’
‘Oh did he? Ok well don’t you break her heart mister,’ she waggled a finger at him.
‘I won’t. I promise,’ he replied.
Nerida’s scowl relaxed. ‘Well you seem sincere. She’s had a rough trot with the fellas so I’ll hold you to that.’ Glancing around she started chewing her fingernails. ‘So have you seen her yet?’
‘Is there a problem,’ he asked, sensing there was.
‘Can’t find her that’s all.’ She was really chewing on her nails now.
‘Where did you last see her?’ Rich asked.
Nerida pointed towards the chapel. ‘In there. She was standing over the coffin…singing. She’s not answering her phone.’ A sob caught her off guard.
Rich put his arm around her and she leant into him and cried. He held her close and let her sob it out. He looked above the throng of vibrant reds, yellows, purples and one weirdo in puce, searching for Laney among them.
Nothing.
Nerida pulled back, sniffed and wiped her wet cheeks. ‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry. You’re wet through.’
Rich glanced down at his tee and it was indeed quite wet. ‘I seem to have a habit of getting wet when I‘m around you guys.’
Nerida laughed as he handed her a fresh tissue from his pocket.
‘I thought she was having a moment, so I left her by the coffin. Then when I went back in, I couldn’t find her anywhere. Ryan thought I had her, and I thought he had her. It’s a disaster.’
At that moment a flustered Ryan rushed up to them.
‘You came,’ he breathed, puffing hard. Then he shot Nerida a look of reproach. ‘Why did you leave her alone?’
‘Hey! You’re the one who gave her two Valium AND whiskey.’
‘Oh now hang on, I didn’t give her the whiskey.’
Rich turned to Ryan. ‘You gave her two Valium?’
‘I gave her two – one for now, one for later. She took both.’
‘But you told her they were beta blockers.’ Nerida sniffed, her mouth held so tight it looked like a cat’s bum.
‘Yes I did. But I didn’t think she’d take two at once and then down two whiskey shots.’
‘She’s in grief, Ry. What else did you think she’d do?’ Nerida huffed.
Rich stepped in. ‘Ok guys, keep your shit together. Let’s find Laney, hey. I’ll go into the chapel in case she’s come back, Nerida you hit the side streets and Ryan…you go wherever Nerida isn’t.’
The three of them went their separate ways and Rich waded through the technicolour ocean, and into the chapel.
He closed the double wooden doors behind him. It took a few moments for his eyes to become accustomed to being inside and he looked around. There were ten wooden pews on each side that would fit six people in each, at most, and based on the number of people outside, it was going to be standing room only.
Beautiful windows on either side let in a kaleidoscope of coloured light that formed rainbows on the old wooden floor. At the other end of the chapel sat a simple cream casket, made of wool, bathed in the light from the large, intricate, stained glass window. Rich had never seen a coffin like it before. It was beautiful.
His mother’s coffin had been a decadent red mahogany with gold handles and all the trimmings, including a pure silk lining. Rich remembered thinking at the time that it seemed like such a waste of good mahogany and silk. Not because his mum didn’t deserve mahogany and silk but because she was a woman who loved the simple things in life. Crisp sheets dried on the clothesline, a grape fresh off the vine and homemade pasta. But his dad had been so grief ridden the funeral director had managed to sell him the top of line casket no questions asked. Rich wished he’d been more involved but his father had shut him out. He realised this was the first funeral he’d been to since his mother’s and it was definitely bringing it all back again.
He shook off the memory, bringing himself back to the present, and walked towards the coffin. When he reached the second pew, he heard a soft voice. He was pretty sure it was singing. He looked into each of the pews but there was no-one there. He thought perhaps the memory of his mum’s funeral was making him crazy.
Then he saw them. Shoes. Poking out from underneath the second pew. They were wagging side to side in time with the song. He got down onto his hands and knees and peered underneath.
He’d found Laney. He watched her for a few moments. Her eyes closed, hugging something close to her chest, and singing. He was happy he’d found her but sad because she was sad. And probably still a tad high.
‘Laney,’ he whispered.
She jumped in fright and tried to sit bolt upright but the bench had other ideas, her head making a huge crack as it hit the wooden underside.
‘Shit, Laney. You ok?’ Rich crawled into the gap between the benches and lay down beside her. It was tight.
Laney held her head with one hand and groaned. ‘No.’ She looked across at him and reached her other hand out, squishing his face. ‘It’s you. Did I overdose and die and go to heaven?’
Rich smiled. Yep, she was still high. ‘Hmmm, maybe you’re in hell. I mean, we were quite naughty.’
Laney focussed her eyes on his. ‘Your eyes. So blue. Like blueberries. My mum loved blueberries. Oh.’ Like the underside of the bench, reality hit her. She reached down, fumbled around and pulled up a multi-coloured cardigan, bringing it to her face. She sniffed long and hard. ‘I can still smell her.’ She stuffed the cardigan into Rich’s face. ‘Can you smell her?’ He took a long whiff, hoping she wouldn’t end up suffocating him.
She pulled it back and clutched it to her chest again. Then she started to cry.
‘What were you singing? Would I know it?’ Rich thought a change of subject might be a good idea.
‘Nah.’ She sniffled. ‘Mum made it up. A lullaby. It was supposed to put us to sleep. But all it did was scare the shit out of us.’
Rich stifled a laugh. ‘Would you sing it for me? It sounded pretty.’
Laney took a breath, closed her eyes and sang in a lilting soprano.
Sleep now my little ones
Sleep now the day is done
Sleep now there’s nothing to fear
Go to sleep or the bogeyman will appear
Sleep now it’s time for bed
Sleep now lay down your head
Sleep now the monster’s fed
All the fear is inside your head
Sleep now close your eyes
Sleep now or the sun won’t rise
Sleep now the clowns are gone
And if you die, you won’t see the dawn
Laney breathed out long and deep and a tear escaped her eye. Rich wiped the tear with his thumb and le
ft his hand there, cradling her head.
‘Now I’m scared shitless,’ he whispered, and he wasn’t lying. ‘I hate clowns. Everyone hates clowns. Clowns and dentists.’
Laney started to shake and Rich thought she was losing it, instead she burst out laughing. ‘I know.’ She sucked in a breath trying to regain her composure. ‘Clowns –’ she laugh snorted, ‘– with their white faces, and stupid big red noses and massive feet, are the worst.’
Rich joined in laughing with her, relieved that it seemed like she was sobering up. He heard the doors of the chapel open and footsteps heading their way. A pair of black patent leather shoes with leather print trim appeared at the end of the pew.
Rich poked his head out from underneath the bench. It was Ryan. ‘Found her.’
Ryan clasped his hands over his heart. ‘Thank God. Is she...?’
‘Still high? Rich nodded. ‘A little.’
Laney shuffled out from under the bench and beamed at Ryan. ‘Boo!’
Ryan helped her up and pulled her into a hug. ‘We were worried about you Lanes.’
Nerida came racing down the aisle and joined Ryan and Laney in their embrace. ‘Oh honey we thought we’d lost you,’ she cried, planting a loving kiss on Laney’s forehead.
Rich watched on, thinking how lucky they were to have each other. The Three Musketeers.
Ryan glanced up and saw him watching them. He grabbed his arm and pulled him in. ‘C’mon there’s enough room for you too.’
They held on tightly to each other as Laney wept, which seemed to have the effect of sobering her up. It wasn’t until they heard the hushed voices of people entering the chapel that they pulled apart.
Nerida wiped the tears from Laney’s cheeks. ‘You got this.’
‘Thanks Nez,’ Laney smiled at her.
Ryan tucked a stray curl behind her ear. ‘I’m sorry I drugged you,’ he said.
‘It’s fine, honey.’ She gave him a long kiss on the cheek. ‘I love you.’
Ryan wiped tears from his eyes and sashayed towards the door to help Nerida greet the mourners and hand out the order of service programs.
Rich took Laney’s hand and led her to the front pew. They sat in silence as the chapel filled around them.
Laney squeezed his hand and peered up at him, her eyes sad and a little bloodshot, but to Rich, still the most beautiful eyes he’d ever fallen into. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered.
‘For what?’
‘For finding me.’
His heart skipped, and he wanted to wrap his arms around her and never let her go.
Laney
Laney watched as the hearse drove her mum away. There were people around her sobbing and sniffling and hugging each other but she felt numb. It was either the after-effects of the drugs or she was just all cried out. No tightening of the throat, no sensation that the heart was shrivelling into a raisin and no quivering of the solar plexus as if on a tightrope. She sensed a drop of sadness sitting low in her tummy, but shouldn’t it be a tsunami of sadness?
Laney cocked her head and as the hearse turned the corner she couldn’t help but observe that a hearse was really just a custom-made station wagon.
She smiled softly to herself, because she’d discovered during one of her chats with her mum over her last weeks, that she’d been conceived in the back of a Sandman Panel Van.
She squeezed her eyes shut and with the memory started to sob. She felt a large hand close over hers and pull her into a hug. She looked up. It was Rich. Her legs buckled, and if it not for him holding her she would have sunk straight to the ground, a blubbering mess. There was that tsunami.
‘It’s ok. I got you.’
He guided her through the throng of rainbow grievers who parted like the red, yellow, green and purple red sea. She was offered condolences along the way and it took all her energy to nod and thank them through her tears.
Before she knew it they were out on the footpath and it felt like she could breathe again.
‘Wait here. I’m going to get the car.’
‘Where are we going?’
Rich leaned down and gave her a soft kiss.
‘Home.’
Laney leaned back into the charcoal and maroon cushions and closed her eyes, pretty sure that Rich’s couch was the comfiest piece of furniture she’d ever sat on, like a cloud, upholstered in gunmetal grey suede. She felt Rich walk into the room before she heard him. Opening her tired eyes that felt like tiny holes in the snow she watched as he placed their glasses of wine on the coffee table. He sat next to her, and even in her tiredness Laney felt a buzz run through her when their legs touched. Rich looked down at her, his brow twisted with concern.
‘You’re exhausted. Do you want me to take you home?’
Laney pointed to the black circles under her eyes. ‘Nah. These bags are Prada, darling.’
Rich chuckled and handed her a glass. ‘Well of course. Only the best for the lady.’
Laney giggled with him. It felt good to laugh without the influence of drugs.
Rich shifted to face her and held his glass up. ‘To your mum.’ They clinked glasses and took a sip of the dark creamy Shiraz he’d chosen.
‘Mum would’ve loved this,’ Laney sighed. ‘She was hopeless with red though. Her lips would get that red rim around them after her first glass. She looked like she was constantly drunk.’ She smiled a sad little smile, looked towards the ceiling and raised her glass. ‘Love you, Mum.’
The hum of the air conditioner and the crackling of the candle sitting on the table created an easy soundscape as they sat in silence.
Laney took another sip and rested the glass on her leg, running her finger around the rim. ‘Maybe I should be at the wake.’ Her face knotted in guilt.
‘Only if you want to. They’ll understand. And if they don’t...fuck ’em.’
Laney took a deep breath. ‘I thought the colours were a good idea and Mum really wanted it, but just thinking about walking into a wake that looks like a rainbow has projectile vomited, makes me want to literally vomit.’
Rich nodded in agreement.
‘And if I have to hear that she’s in a better place one more time I think I’d scream.’ Laney dropped her head and a small sob escaped her lips. She felt like she was outside of her body as Rich leaned across and took the glass from her trembling hand. Then her entire body started to shake.
Rich turned the aircon off and pulled a light blanket from the back of the couch, draping it across her.
‘I’m cold. How can I be cold? It’s the middle of summer.’ Laney’s teeth chattered.
‘It’s shock.’ Rich tucked her into him, wrapping his arms around her quivering body.
‘But I knew she was going to die.’ Laney closed her eyes, willing her body to calm the fuck down and stop being so dramatic.
‘Shock doesn’t work like that. She was your mum. The most important person in the world. And she brought you into this world...kicking and screaming I have no doubt.’ He dropped a gentle kiss onto her head.
A wave of warmth rushed up Laney’s body and she felt a pang of guilt at the momentary happiness she felt at his kiss, even though she still had tears wetting her cheeks. It was as if the happy hormones had battled with the shock jocks and won, because the shaking had stopped.
‘Kicking, no. Screaming, absolutely.’ Laney smiled at him.
‘So, you are a screamer?’ Rich teased.
‘Well...that’s for me to know and you to find out.’ She had once heard that grief and sex went hand in hand and right then and there she was in fierce agreement.
Rich twisted a red curl of her hair softly in his fingers, and bent his head to kiss her wet cheeks. ‘I want to. You have no idea. But I don’t want to take advantage of you today.’
‘Will you take advantage of me tomorrow then?’ Laney laughed at her own joke, which was against joke-telling law. Ryan would be disappointed.
‘Ryan! Nerida!’ In her distress she’d totally forgotten to let them know where
she was. Ryan would either be running around like a madman or in a foetal position in a corner – there was no middle ground with him – and Nerida would have organised a search party with whiteboards and coloured markers.
‘They’re fine,’ Rich said, ‘I let them know you’re here and they said to take as much time as you need. They’re great friends. You’re really lucky. I’m a little scared of them though to be honest.’
Laney dropped her head into her hands and laugh-cried.
‘Laney?’ The soft concern in Rich’s voice reached deep into her pulling her back into the moment. His voice. His smell. His touch. Just him, made her feel present. Made her feel like she wanted to be present. Not thinking about the past or the future but the now. Sitting on the most comfortable couch in the world, sipping the most delicious wine in the world next to the spunkiest man in the world. It didn’t matter that they’d only spent a total of approximately twelve hours together, maybe less, she knew she was falling.
She turned to him, the soft light from the candle fluttering on the table, enveloping him in a golden tint. He cupped her face in his hands, his bright blue eyes clouded with worry.
Smiling at him she leaned forward, rested her forehead against his and closed her eyes. She felt his light breath on her lips as his fingers traced her jawline. Her breathing quickened in time with his and tilting her head she parted her lips ready for his. She’d never wanted someone as much as she wanted Rich. Ricco. Mr Xroads himself. She could smell the freshness of the future ahead and it smelled like fine wine and aftershave. Just like Rich tasted as his lips found hers. Then the memory leapt into her brain.
‘Wait,’ she pulled back. ‘I’m supposed to angry with you.’
Rich nodded. ‘I thought you might have forgotten,’ he said, sheepish. ‘But you have every right to be. I should’ve told you but I literally forgot about her when I was with you. And from the moment I got out of your car you’ve been on my mind.’
Laney couldn’t help but smile at his admission.
‘But Charlotte and I aren’t together anymore,’ his face knotted with confusion, ‘Not that we really were together.’
