She lay still for what seemed like hours. His breathing slowed and became rhythmic. For the first time since he’d proposed, she didn’t want to be with him. Claire decided that since they were in his suite, she could go to hers. She waited until she felt certain that he was asleep, and then gently lifted the covers. Feeling for her robe she heard his booming voice rip through the darkness. “What do you think you are doing?”
“I am aware the conversation is done and that I have no control in my own activities. It is all in your hands. But at this moment, I am also aware that you do not consider me a spouse or a partner. I am going to my suite to ponder this information.”
“No, you are not.” A conclusive statement. At a little over six foot four, Tony’s arm span was immense. Perhaps if she hadn’t been tying her robe and putting her feet into slippers she might have had better balance. In less than a second he grasped her arm and she was again lying on his bed. The weight of his upper body had her pinned to the mattress. Memories of their wedding pictures came to mind, she felt small and defenseless.
“Tony, remember your promise.” Her voice sounded falsely formidable.
“Which has always been contingent upon yours.” Her chest suddenly felt heavy, not from the weight of his body, but his words. He continued, “You are right.” She didn’t speak, unsure of her correctness. “The conversation is done and I am in total control of your activities, including where you will sleep and which invitations you will accept.” The tears began to pool in her eyes. “However, you are also mistaken. I don’t consider you a spouse. I know you are my wife. You belong to me.”
His forearms pushed against her shoulders causing them to ache. His words weren’t a revelation, Claire knew she was his possession. He continued moving his face closer. “You are staying here tonight. You are not leaving me, my bed, or my presence.” The tears flowed. “Now it is time for you to respond appropriately.” His weight shifted slightly.
Claire remembered times in the past when she hadn’t replied quickly enough or to his liking. She focused her energy on keeping her body from trembling. However, she couldn’t concentrate on that and tears, so her words became muffled sobs. Swallowing hard, she tried to strengthen her voice. “I will not leave you. Even if I left your bed tonight it would have only been because I’m upset, not because I want our marriage to be over.” She took a ragged breath, imagined his dark eyes, and thanked God that the room was too dark to see them.
“Continue.”
“I will not leave your bed. I’ve agreed in the past, I agree now and forever to submit to your authority. I’m sorry if I’ve given you cause to break your promise.” Inhaling, she tried desperately to defuse his temper. “If you recall, this entire incident started because I asked if I could be with you when you went away. I don’t want to leave you. I want to be with you.”
“Your ability to respond appropriately has benefited you on multiple occasions.” He released her shoulders and laid his head on his pillow. She stopped sniffling and tried to regulate her breathing. “Now take off that robe.” As she obeyed he added, “I believe we will experiment with some other forms of response.” He rolled back toward her. “But you are my partner. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to. So perhaps you would you rather go to sleep?”
Claire knew this was one of those offers you can’t refuse her grandmother used to talk about. “No, I would rather respond to you.” She successfully avoided the trembling and had almost stopped the tears, but the end result was that her head pounded to the beat of her heart. Currently, that was too rapid.
“This time it will not be verbal.” His hands seized her petite frame as his domineering tone claimed her spirit. “As you may recall, this conversation is over.”
Claire closed her eyes and nodded. She did her best to ignore her headache and respond to her husband.
Just before they drifted to sleep, Tony offered more information. “Courtney and Sue have called multiple times, I will think about their invitations. Emily has called and e-mailed. John has called, he respectfully declined Tom’s offer. I believe Emily can wait.” Claire’s heart sank.
This new information no doubt influenced Tony’s temperament. She wanted to believe Tony’s offer was made in good faith based on John’s credentials. His refusal didn’t surprise Claire, even though she was sure it did Tony. He doesn’t often experience rejection. This wasn’t the first time she received the consequences of John’s actions. What concerned Claire the most was her relationship with her sister, would she be allowed to speak to or see Emily?
She kissed Tony and sounded as compliant as she could muster. “Thank you, I would really like to see Courtney and Sue.” Claire wanted to move away from him, to the far side of the king-sized bed, or better yet upstairs, but instead she rested her head on his chest. “And I promise my memory is better.”
“I am glad to hear that.” He slowly embraced her shoulder as his voice softened. “I need to be in Phoenix next week. It has been in the seventies there. Perhaps you can join me.”
She nodded her head. “Thank you, that would be nice.” They fell asleep.
The next day, using Tony’s iPhone, Claire was allowed to call both Courtney and Sue. She didn’t utilize the speaker phone, and although present Tony didn’t question the content. Both of the ladies wanted to catch up and hear all about married life. Claire said she would love to, would check her calendar, and get back to them. She also apologized for not returning their calls sooner, things were just so busy.
Much earlier than normal, the sound of Tony’s alarm woke them on February 1. Their flight to Phoenix was leaving at seven. The trip was only planned for one night, but Claire didn’t care. They were leaving the estate and that was enough to propel her from bed to the shower. She would stay at their apartment while Tony met with associates; if all went well they would dine out tonight. He described this apartment as one of their smaller ones, as she showered she wondered what small really meant.
Steam filled the bathroom with a muggy fog. She secured the luxurious lavender towel around her body as Tony entered. “We aren’t going to Phoenix.” Her shoulders slumped.
“Why? Did I do something?”
Tony hugged her warm body, her hair dripped onto her shoulders and the floor. “No. We can’t go anywhere. Eric just called. We should have looked out the window.” He took her to the tall French doors that led to her balcony. When he moved the drapes she could only see white. At least twelve inches of new snow had fallen on the ground, trees, balcony rail, everywhere. With the addition of the eight to ten inches of old snow, there was now almost two feet! And it was continuing to fall, accompanied by wind. Barely seeing beyond the balcony, she could make out drifts that transformed the backyard into an ocean of white waves. Heaven knows how deep the snow would be in the bigger drifts. Claire sat on the bed with large droplets gliding down her back, discouraged. She sighed.
Sitting next to her, Tony rubbed her leg. “Think of it as a snow day. Didn’t you like those when you were a kid?”
“Yeah, because I didn’t want to go to school, but now I want to go.”
He hugged her shoulder. “You want to go to school?”
Exhaling loudly, she said, “I want to go anywhere.”
Tony lifted some of her hair. “Well, I’m afraid you will catch pneumonia if you try to go somewhere.” She laid her head back on the bed, pressed her lips into a tight line, and looked up at the ceiling. If she opened her mouth she would scream. She was trapped!
Leaning over her, he said, “How about we celebrate our newfound free day?” She knew what he was thinking and didn’t want to celebrate. Telling him no was supposed to be her option. However, it hadn’t been tested and Claire didn’t think she was emotionally strong enough for the trial.
Despondently, she asked, “How do you want to celebrate?”
Still leaning over her, he said, “How about you take me to your lake?”
“What?” Claire’s thoughts spun. The
lake would be frozen and was about five miles away. Would they freeze? It was out, out of the house! “Are you serious?” Her eyes sparkled as she tried to read her husband’s expression.
“If it makes that spark come back to your emerald eyes, I’m serious.” He kissed her forehead. “We have boots, coats, and gloves, everything needed to ski. It was one of our honeymoon options. So let’s get you dry, us fed, bundled, and find this lake that I’ve heard so much about.”
“It’s about five miles away. Don’t you need to talk to the Phoenix people, let them know what happened?”
“Are you trying to discourage me? I will contact the Phoenix office. We can communicate later in the day. It is still very early there. And I know I am older, but I really think I can make five miles.” He smiled with milk chocolate eyes. “Besides, we also have cross-country skis. Do you think you can get us there on skis?”
In the midst of a Midwest blizzard Claire was filled with more warmth and excitement than she’d felt in sometime. Their discussion a week ago had left her uneasy. She didn’t like the way he’d treated her or the way it made her feel, but once it was done she hesitated to revisit the subject. Now he wanted to go to her lake. “I bet it’s prettier in the summer, but I’d love to get out. I know I can find it.” They ate breakfast, and Catherine made them thermoses of coffee. She chided both of them for even thinking about going out in the snow. However, with Tony by her side Claire knew it didn’t matter. She was going to her lake, a place she hadn’t been since her accident.
They dressed in layers, wrapping themselves head to toe, complete with hand and foot warmers, and were out of the house before eight. The wind subsided but the snow still fell.
It had been many years since Claire cross-country skied. However, the motions swiftly returned as the long slender skis and poles allowed them to glide over the twenty plus inches of snow. At first, she worried about navigation. But with most of the ground level obstacles covered it wasn’t difficult, and skiing was much faster than walking. They reached the clearing in less than thirty minutes. Claire told Tony all about the flowers, butterflies, and animals that were there in the heat of the summer. They wore tinted goggles to shield the brightness of the snow, but she could sense his serenity as he listened to her stories.
They arrived at the lake shore approximately forty minutes later. Claire wasn’t cold. She was exhilarated from the fresh air, exercise, and scenery. Green leaves and blue waters were her preference, but the glistening snow that covered the evergreens and ground was beautiful. The frozen lake, covered with peaks and valleys of drifts, reminded her of a large flat cake with vanilla frosting. She felt as warm as if it were August.
Tony was completely intrigued by the glistening vista before him. He’d never taken the time to experience his own property. It wasn’t something he cared about or gave much consideration, until now. As they stood and watched, three deer, one six-point buck and two does, galloped at full speed from left to right across the lake. Tony and Claire stared. If the deer could do it, they could too.
Skiing on the lake was effortless compared to the woods: no hills, valleys, or trees, only open space. The wind and snow had ceased. They were gliding on a white dreamland. Claire imagined that this is what it would be like to ski in the clouds. The farther west they traveled, the more of the shoreline they could see. Everything looked virgin, completely unspoiled.
After the snow ceased, other animals ventured out of their warm homes. They saw foxes and multitudes of squirrels and birds. Tony said he thought all birds went south for the winter. At first, Claire thought he was joking, and then she explained that not all birds migrate. She told him that in Indiana the cardinal is omnipresent. She remembered being excited to see one in winter, it looked so red and vibrant in contrast to the stark gray of winter. Tony continued to ask questions and listen to his wife.
It was almost one when they arrived back at the house. Catherine was elated to see them. She’d been worried. She promised she would send lunch, but first wanted them to get warm. Entering Tony’s suite they found his large fireplace roaring with flames and radiating tremendous heat. Claire laughed as Tony removed his ski hat. His hair was messier than she’d ever seen it and his cheeks were pink and frigid. Her giddiness amused him. He offered to help remove her winter gear. It didn’t take long to realize that Fiji had been a better honeymoon destination. Snow activities required too many clothes.
When their food arrived Tony covered Claire with a blanket from his bed. As Cindy wheeled in their lunch Claire lay on the rug in front of the fireplace with the soft down comforter and Tony wore only a pair of gym shorts. Cindy started to put the warm foods and drink on the table, when smiling at Claire Tony told Cindy she could leave. She thanked him and left the cart. Claire smiled at her husband, bare chested, setting their lunch on the table. “Sometimes I think you are the most amazing man I’ve ever met.”
He poured two cups of coffee and carried them to his wife. Joining her under the comforter he prompted, “And other times?”
Answering honestly, she said, “Other times, I don’t like you.” He looked at her with astonishment. She kissed his lips. “Today is definitely a like day.” He smiled and told her he was glad.
While eating lunch Tony asked her about the don’t like days. She thought about playing it off, lying, or telling him she was joking. Then she decided to be truthful. “I love you. I really do. I sometimes feel like the luckiest woman on the planet, but sometimes I feel like a five-year-old.” She waited. Did he understand what she was trying to say? His eyes weren’t darkening, he was listening. “I know you may not think so, but I really don’t have any intention of causing you harm. Why would I? You told me your grandfather trusted the wrong people. Was your grandmother one of them?”
Tony seemed slightly shaken by the mention of his grandfather. “No. Why do you ask?”
“Because I’m going to assume that she loved him, and he loved her. If they didn’t they wouldn’t have married.” Tony nodded. He understood where she was going. “I realize that there are people that may try to hurt you or your business, but I’m not one of them.” She wasn’t sure how she could explain her feelings to him. She looked directly into his eyes. The mention of his grandfather had minutely darkened them. “I don’t have a problem with you being in control of our lives. I trust you. I just wish you trusted me, help me to feel like a wife instead of a child or a possession.”
She’d been happy, but this conversation was making her sad. “I’m sorry. I’m ruining this wonderful day.” She looked down at her lunch, her soup was getting cold. Closing her eyes she heard his chair move. Claire didn’t want him to see the tears that were escaping her lids. She didn’t look up.
Anthony Rawlings gently took his wife’s hand and helped her rise from her chair, then tenderly lifted her chin, seeing her tears. “Claire, it seems to me that you apologize a lot.” She started to say she was sorry, but snickered at herself instead. “See, see that smile you have. You can’t, but I can. It is beautiful, even with your hair a mess, which it is. And your smile doesn’t stop at those perfect lips, it extends to your pink wind-burned cheeks, and most dramatically it extends to your bright emerald green eyes.” He was bending so that his nose was millimeters from hers. “I apologize for not causing that smile to come out more.” Claire could feel her resolve melting as her knees weakened. Thankfully, she was being supported by his strong steady arms. “You are right about so many things. Listening to you talk today about the different trees, snow, a blizzard, animals, and birds, you know so many things that I have never attempted to learn. And you know me better than anyone. I have tried to keep my past that, the past. But you have managed to take bits and pieces that I have offered over the course of a year and weave them together into some psychological basis for your comprehension of me. I must reluctantly admit you are correct.” She wanted to say something, but he kissed her tenderly and continued, “You have not intentionally given me any reason to do anything but tru
st you. And yet, I know I have not always behaved well. This may come as a shock, but I have issues with control.” She couldn’t help but smile. “There’s that smile.”
Tony led her to the sofa in front of the fire. Wearing a soft bathrobe she sat in front of him and leaned her head on his T-shirt covered chest. They both faced the fire. She could hear his heartbeat and the sound of his breathing. The fire radiated warmth and his skin the aroma of exercise, she felt safe and secure. But at the same time she had the feeling of living in a house of glass. The security could crash into broken pieces at any second. He asked her what she was thinking, she answered. He didn’t respond for a long period, she was apprehensive to turn and see into his eyes. Finally, he spoke again. “Perhaps I am afraid of losing you, afraid that if you truly know me you will not want to stay with me.” She wasn’t sure. But due to his voice and breathing, she wondered if he was having difficulty composing himself. She wanted to alleviate his discomfort, tell him it was okay, he didn’t need to say anything else.
She didn’t turn around. “Tony, I’m pretty sure I know you. I’m also sure I’m still here.”
“Because you haven’t had the opportunity to leave.”
His arms were tenderly wrapped around her. She caressed them gently with her small hands. “No, not because of that, and not because of the gifts or the trips or the money, I’m still here because I made a commitment to you. I did that in Central Park and again in our home, because I love you and want to be with you.”
He hugged her. “Mrs. Rawlings, I love you too. And I want to trust you more and be less controlling. But what I don’t want is to ever hurt you like I did. If you are kept safely away from the world, there is less of a chance that anything will happen that would cause me to react as I did before.”
“I used to feel that way, like I wanted to stay here and not risk the chance of upsetting you. I do not want to upset you. But, Tony, that isn’t a life. Having me home waiting for you because I have no choice and having me home waiting for you because I want to be are two totally different things.” She waited but he didn’t respond, so she continued. “If you would trust me, I will do my best to follow your rules. I will discuss things with you prior to doing them. I will check with you before I go anywhere. I understand the importance of appearances and the significance of consequences. I don’t want to upset you. I do want the opportunity to upset you.” Claire decided this conversation was easier without looking into his eyes. She could imagine small black irises with large chocolate borders. However, she was certain her imagination and the reality behind her would differ.
Consequences Page 34
