The N Word (Redefining Me Book 2)

by Michelle MacQueen

  “Sure, son. Just like old times.” He swayed on his feet. “Night, kid.”

  “Night.” Avery breathed a sigh of relief. He needed to get away from the workshop before Grayson discovered nothing worked. Hopefully he’d have another beer or two in him and would forget Avery’s quick visit.

  The house was quiet. Either his mom was already in bed or she was at her sister’s house again. His mom spent a lot of time there these days. He couldn’t blame her. They all had their own escapes. They’d never survive without them.

  Avery trudged up the stairs to the third floor he shared with his brother. It was kind of ridiculous for two teenagers to have what amounted to their own apartment, but he wasn’t complaining. He and his brother, Nicky, had their own bedroom suites on either end of the top floor and they shared the living spaces between, including a game room, movie theater, and a small kitchen. Pretty much all of their friends once liked to hang out at the St. Germaine house. They used to have friends over all the time, but both Avery and Nicky stopped bringing friends around a long time ago.

  “Hey, Nick—” Avery froze at the sight of his baby brother making out with some guy on their couch. He knew his brother was gay. He just wasn’t used to it yet. And if he were honest, he probably wasn’t the most supportive big brother he could have been when Nicky worked up the courage to come out last year.

  “Hey, sorry, bro,” Nicky’s face flushed pink. “Thought you and Meghan would be at Ashley’s party tonight.”

  “I broke up with Meghan.”

  “Really? It’s about time you dumped that freeloading piece of—”

  “Sorry, Nicky.” The tall, athletic dude sucking face with his brother not five seconds ago shot to his feet. “I gotta run.” He turned away, shielding his face from Avery.

  “It’s okay, Ke—” Nicky tried to say.

  “I have to leave.”

  “Hey, I know you,” Avery said. “You play for Defiance Academy Knights.” They were known for their hockey team. Twin Rivers High didn’t have a team, so they frequented the Academy games during the season. Who knew his brother was dating their star centerman, Kenneth Montgomery? He was a pretentious asshole, but if Nicky liked him, he couldn’t be that bad.

  “Nicky, you promised,” Kenneth said frantically.

  “Avery’s not going to say anything.” Nicky shot Avery a glare. “Right, Avery?”

  “What would I say?” Avery gave his brother a confused look in response to his unspoken reprimand.

  “See?” Nicky crossed the room to his date’s side. “Relax. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Oh.” Avery finally got it. The kid didn’t want anyone to know he was into guys. “Hey, man, no one cares if you’re gay.”

  “I’m not gay.” Kenneth’s face turned bright red.

  “Okay, it’s all cool.” Avery shrugged.

  “Avery, stop talking.” Nicky sighed, walking his skittish date downstairs.

  Avery crossed the room to the kitchen, his stomach growling for something more nutritious than the half-eaten burger from earlier. He made quick work of some eggs and avocado on toast and was just about to head to his room when Nicky came back.

  “What the hell is Pop doing in the workshop this late?”

  “Don’t worry, I stole the safety key to the table saw. He won’t be able to use it tonight. And I shut down the main power line to the big power tools when he wasn’t looking. He shouldn’t be able to hurt himself.”

  “Well, that’s a relief.” Nicky sat down on the bar stool at the counter. “Is there more of that?” He nodded at Avery’s plate.

  “I’ll split it with you.” He reached for a second plate and scooped some eggs and avocado onto a third piece of toast.

  Avery leaned against the counter, eyeing his little brother.

  “Sorry about you walking in on us,” Nicky said, stuffing a bite into his mouth. “I’m sure you didn’t want to see that.”

  “You say that like I’m some kind of homophobe.” Avery frowned.

  “Well, you kinda looked like one when you walked in.” Nicky shrugged.

  “It’s not that. I have no problem with you being gay—”

  “Oh, well, lucky me,” Nicky interrupted.

  “I didn’t mean it like that. I just… that’s what you like? That guy’s a douche. You deserve better than some closet case who seems ashamed to be with you.”

  “Well, thanks for that. I guess.”

  “You can do better. That’s all I’m saying.” Avery didn’t like this weird awkwardness with his brother. They were always close. But for the last two years, he’d pushed Nicky away—along with everyone else except maybe Meghan. But over the last few months he was finally finding his bearings after Coop’s death. It was like he was coming up for air after a long time with his head under water. Things had changed. His brother had changed.

  “I could say the same about Meghan. Glad you’re rid of her.”

  “She is not too pleased with me.”

  “Bet not. If you did the dumping, she’s going to want revenge. Watch out, she’s the queen of the mean girls.”

  “Is she really?” Avery knew she had a temper, but she wasn’t mean-spirited. Selfish, maybe, but not mean.

  “It must be nice to live in that popular bubble with the rest of the pretty people.” Nicky hopped up to place his plate in the small dishwasher. “I guess the rest of us on the outside see things through a different lense. Night, bro.” Nicky crossed the living room, cringing at the sound of their father singing at the top of his lungs in the backyard. “Jeez, he’s going to get arrested if he doesn’t stop that shit.”

  “I’ll take care of Pop. You go to bed.” Avery watched his little brother retreat to his room on the other side of the house. It might as well have been the other side of the world for all the things that stood between them.

  3

  Nari

  Nari stood in Addison’s driveway watching the snow flurry around her. The expansive property ran all the way to the edge of the river. If you squinted, you could even see Defiance Falls with its roaring waters and the Defiance bridge in the distance. Back in the house, the party continued on as if the boys had never been there at all. She wasn’t sure why Julian and Cooper had been at each other’s throats this time, only that Peyton was right to throw her own brothers out. Cam and Avery were a packaged deal with Coop. As much as Nari wanted Cam to stay, to finally figure out what he and Peyton were, she knew he wouldn’t abandon his friends. Especially when Avery was so drunk.

  Coop had a few drinks as well, but he was better at hiding his inebriation. He’d had plenty of practice.

  Nari wrapped her arms around herself as the cold wound up through the sleeves of her fleece jacket. A flake landed on her lips and melted under her hot breath. She hated parties, never quite feeling as if she belonged.

  Addison invited the cheerleading squad, and the football team followed them like a pack of rabid dogs. Addie would be pleased, but sometimes, Nari didn’t know how they were all friends. Peyton, she understood. Both outcasts, they had a lot in common. But Addison was a cheerleader, Coop and Avery both ruled the football field, Cam was destined for the Olympic track team, and Julian…was the loner always on the edge of the group but never quite part of it.

  They were an odd bunch.

  She turned to retreat to Addison’s house, the promise of warmth winning out over a desire to be alone. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught headlights coming to a halt on the bridge in the distance. A second car joined it.

  Nari took off running across the snowy lawn, stopping as she made out the horrific scene. She couldn’t see any people, but the shadow of a car hung over the edge of the bridge, threatening to plunge into the icy current below.

  She pulled her gloves off and fumbled her phone from her pocket, dialing three numbers she hoped would help.

  “9-1-1,” the operator answered. “What’s your emergency?”

  Nari leaned her head on the lunch table, her e
yes sliding shut. She’d had the dream again. The one where she was an unknown bystander in a stranger’s crash. It wasn’t the first time. Only, maybe it wasn’t a dream, but simply a memory. They hadn’t been strangers, though she didn’t know that at the time.

  In her panicked brain, she’d never once considered the passengers hanging precariously off the bridge had been her friends. She didn’t yet know how that night, that crash, was going to change them forever.

  “Nari.” Peyton’s voice reached her.

  Nari lifted her eyes, not bothering to raise her head. “Hey.”

  Peyton’s brow crinkled with worry. “I’ve been trying to get your attention for the past minute.”

  Nari yawned. “Sorry. I’m just tired.”

  Peyton’s lips drew down. “Are you sleeping?”

  “Yes, Mother.” It wasn’t a lie. Nari could fall asleep easy enough, but some nights the dream would come back. She couldn’t say that though. She’d never told anyone she was the one to call in the accident. She should have done more. Cooper died and Cameron lost his leg. Part of her couldn’t help but think if she’d known it was them on the bridge… No, she couldn’t let herself go down that rabbit hole. Not again.

  “Nari.” Peyton shook her head. “Maybe you should go home.”

  Nari closed her eyes again. She couldn’t afford to miss any school. When her dreams weren’t causing a fitful sleep, it was her anxiety over the grades she couldn’t seem to raise. “You know my mom would never allow that.”

  With a sigh, she lifted her head from the table, removed her glasses, and scrubbed a hand over her face. If she were honest with herself, she preferred being at school than at home. There were fewer expectations here. People took one look at her and assumed they knew her and never questioned their perceptions.

  Setting her thick-framed glasses back on her nose, she dug in to the lunch her mom sent her with. For years, she’d begged to be allowed to buy lunch at school rather than enduring the strange looks for being a senior still carrying a rainbow lunchbox.

  Peyton smiled when Nari set the box on the table. “I’m sorry, I just love that thing. It’s so you.”

  Nari only shrugged. If it wasn’t for their judgmental classmates, maybe she’d like it too. She pulled out a seaweed wrap filled with egg and vegetables, eyeing Peyton’s pizza longingly as she did. Mondays were always pizza day, and she envied the kids in the long line waiting for their greasy goodness.

  Peyton looked down at her tray. “Ugh, I don’t know if I can stomach all this grease.”

  Most people probably assumed Peyton dieted because she wasn’t rail thin like the cheerleaders, but Nari knew the truth. She just preferred healthy food.

  With a grin, Nari slid her wrap toward Peyton and swapped it with Peyton’s pizza. Peyton’s eyes lit up, and Nari laughed. “You could have just asked. You know I’ll never turn down anything slathered in so much cheese.”

  Peyton raised a brow. “Your mother would have a heart attack seeing that.”

  Nari responded with a closed-mouth grin, her mouth full of deliciousness.

  “I don’t know how you’re so tiny.”

  Nari shrugged. “Probably because I’m Asian.”

  Peyton choked on her next bite.

  “You talking about Asians without me?” Cam dropped his tray onto the table and sat beside Peyton, kissing her cheek as he did. If Nari didn’t like them so much, she’d have been sickened by their sweetness.

  She swallowed her bite and reached for her water bottle, taking a swig. “Just that all the Korean t'aekwŏndo I do burns a lot of calories. You know, the typical stereotype stuff.”

  Cam nodded. “I knew it. Every stereotype we’ve ever heard is true.”

  Nari shrugged. “It’s what Hollywood demands of us. We Korean Americans have to conform to what they want to portray in their movies. We practice martial arts while singing K-Pop in front of our screaming fans and doing our super brainy math homework all at the same time.” She couldn’t hold her serious expression anymore, her face splitting into a grin. She loved her friends. As the only Korean American at Twin Rivers High, she stood out. People expected things of her that were nothing more than a stereotype. Even popular kids she never spoke to sometimes asked her to tutor them in math or science.

  She’d laughed in more than a few faces. She might be nerd-like—their word, not hers—but she’d be no use to anyone as a tutor.

  Cam and Peyton never expected her to be anyone other than herself.

  Cam dug in to his pizza, shaking his head. He pointed his slice at her. “The kick-ass Korean martial artist and the robot. Sounds like a great movie.”

  He started calling himself a robot since revealing his artificial leg to his friends. In the accident that took Cooper’s life, Cameron went over the falls with a badly broken leg. He managed to get himself out of the river, but he passed out more than a mile from the accident. After a night out in the elements, infection set in, and amputation ultimately saved his life. But then he left town. It wasn’t until he returned eighteen months later that they learned what the accident really cost him.

  Feeling more energized with some food in her and the joking with her friends, Nari scanned the lunchroom. People talked behind whispered hands, their eyes bouncing between a single table and the phones they held in front of them.

  Nari saw the video over the weekend. Avery St. Germaine lost Twin Rivers High the playoffs with an epic bonehead play. It looked as if he’d forgotten what team he played for when he threw the ball to the wrong player and lost the game.

  The man in question sat at the same table he did every day, his shoulders hunched forward. She watched him for a few moments, noting how none of his friends even spoke to him. Meghan, the girl he’d apparently dumped over the weekend, sat at the other end draped over one of his teammates.

  Someone ruffled Nari’s hair as they walked by. She pushed the dark strands out of her eyes, looking up in time to catch Beckett’s wink before he slid into the empty seat beside Avery, slapping him on the back.

  “Earth to Nari.” Peyton didn’t sound annoyed, only amused.

  Cam chuckled to himself. “Since when are you friends with Becks Anderson?”

  She shrugged.

  “Oh my God, Nari.” Peyton grabbed her arm. “Are you into Beckett?”

  She couldn’t stop the laugh from bursting past her lips. Beckett? What would they say if they knew she spent her weekends singing on stage beside him? No, she didn’t like Becks Anderson. Not like that. They were from different worlds. Plus, he was more like a brother.

  Her eyes drifted back to Avery. At least Becks talked to him. She watched Avery shake his head and stand before storming from the lunchroom.

  Nari sighed. She’d been on the receiving end of her fair share of judgment at their school. Avery was just another one of the kids who made others feel unwelcome, unwanted. So, why did her gut twist in sympathy for him? Avery was nothing more than her jerk neighbor, someone she’d once considered a close friend.

  A few kids sitting at the other end of Nari’s table giggled over their phones. She heard the telltale sound of the announcers.

  “He ruined the entire season on that play,” an underclassman she didn’t know said.

  “Yeah,” another agreed. “He deserves everything he gets today.”

  The accident came back to Nari. Avery had been in that car and could have died if Julian and Cam hadn’t been there to help him back to shore. Maybe that was why she’d always felt protective of him. He tried to act as if nothing bothered him, but she saw through the bravado.

  She pushed her chair back and stood, gathering her trash into her lunchbox. Before she could second-guess herself, she turned to the underclassman.

  “Do you really think a high school football game matters? Everyone knows Avery St. Germaine has already received dozens of offers from high-profile colleges. This will be old news by next week. But you, you’ll never get over your petty bullcrap.” She hadn’t rea
lized she’d raised her voice until the surrounding tables went quiet. Someone laughed, and she knew it was probably over the term bullcrap. Her classmates used to make a game out of trying to get her to swear, but it just wasn’t her.

  Beckett met her eyes curiously, but no one else dared.

  Nari swept a scowl around the room. “Don’t we all have a hard enough time without shining a spotlight on every stupid mistake we make? Last month, it was Peyton’s ripped pants, and now this?”

  “Yeah, let’s not bring that back around,” Peyton whisper-shouted.

  Shock flashed across many of the faces. That’s right. Nari Won Song, quiet nerd girl is sick and tired of the way people are treated at Twin Rivers High. She knew the minute she walked out of that cavernous room Avery would no longer be the subject of their conversations.

  After doing her best to stay in the shadows for almost four years, Nari had stepped into the spotlight.

  Nausea swirled through her, and her confidence swept away on the current of whispers. She yanked her lunch box from the table and ran from the lunchroom, finding peace in the blissfully quiet hall.

  Peyton would look for her. She’d worry. But Nari didn’t have the capacity to think of that when her pulse pounded in her head. What had she just done?

  Creeping through the empty halls, she went to the one place she could be sure to hide from the brain-dead idiots of her school.

  The library.

  Nari might have trouble with most of her classes, but when it came to books, she couldn’t get enough. She stepped through the doors into her sanctuary. Mrs. Laurel looked up, giving Nari a knowing smile.

  As Nari expected, few students meandered through the stacks. A couple sat at the row of computers along the far wall by the large windows looking out on the football field. The sight only reminded her of her little speech in the lunchroom, and her cheeks heated.

  Why had she done it? She couldn’t take it back though she wasn’t sure she wished she could. Each word was true. Twin Rivers High had a problem. Every perceived flaw was outed by their classmates. It was like a jungle, divided by predators and their prey. The strong ate the weak.