The N Word (Redefining Me Book 2)

by Michelle MacQueen

  “Do you even go to the same school as the rest of us? Of course, she knows. She hears it all day. And now she has to hear the whole school mourn the breakup of your fake relationship.”

  Avery frowned as he stood up and paced to the window. “What is she doing?” Avery watched as Nari climbed out of her bedroom window, pulling a duffle bag behind her. His blood ran cold when he realized who was waiting for her at the end of the driveway.

  “Why is Julian Callahan picking up my girlfriend?”

  “She’s not your girlfriend.” Nicky clapped him on the back. “Just leave her alone.”

  Avery whirled around on his brother. “You know something.” Avery grabbed Nicky’s shoulders. “Where is she going with Julian?”

  “It’s none of your business, and she’s not your girlfriend. What’s with the possessive reaction? Haven’t you hurt her enough?”

  “I don’t want to hurt her, Nicky. I want to be with her for real. I’ve been trying to tell her that, but she won’t listen. I need you to tell me where she’s going. Please.”

  Nicky shook his head in disbelief. “Fine. But you have to see this for yourself.” He dropped his voice as if speaking to himself. “This’ll be good.”

  15

  Nari

  Parties weren’t Nari’s scene. Yes, she was in a band and spent her weekends playing in crowded bars in the towns surrounding Twin Rivers, but she dreaded walking through the front door of the kind of party she’d never been invited to.

  Everything nearby revolved around the two rivers cutting through towns, hence the name Riverpass. Riverpass was similar to Twin Rivers in a lot of ways, one of which being the wealth. Nari’s family was well off, but she still felt inferior in the presence of the kinds of kids who attended Defiance Academy rather than one of the public schools in the area. Defiance Academy was a boarding school drawing kids not only from Riverpass and Twin Rivers but across the country and Europe as well.

  And they all seemed to be at this party.

  It took half an hour to drive from Becks’ house, where they’d met up, to the monstrous house before them.

  Nari tried to push away the nerves she felt before each gig and tried to silence the voice in her head saying this wasn’t the girl she was supposed to be. It wasn’t until she was on stage that it all went away, and she knew she was in the one place she belonged.

  Becks took the keyboard he always let her use from the trunk of his car and handed it to her. Together with Becks, Julian, and Wylder, she crossed the lawn, ignoring the number of expensive cars lining the street. If she thought about how many people were behind that front door, she’d throw up.

  They pushed into the party. A heavy bass pumped through Nari, setting her heart thumping inside her chest. She hadn’t wanted to come tonight. She’d even tried to get out of it, wanting to stay home instead.

  She’d ended things with Avery in front of the entire school, and she knew it shouldn’t hurt so much. Nothing about their relationship had been real, yet it sucked all the same. He’d betrayed her when he went on her computer and found her No BS screen name. Then he’d continued betraying her each time he searched out her words. She could have kicked herself for putting such private thoughts on No BS for people to see, but they were supposed to be anonymous. Posting on the app was the only thing that kept her going some days. Talking to others who felt the same kinds of things made it all a little more bearable.

  And now Avery had taken that from her. He’d taken everything and twisted it. All she wanted was to go back to her life before knowing what it felt like to have Avery St. Germaine by her side, before she knew how much she enjoyed kissing him. That wasn’t the worst of it though. She missed just talking to him. He’d been her best friend once, and she’d thought they were getting that back.

  She’d thought everything they’d said to each other actually meant something. A part of her had thought Avery knew her better than anyone else, that, for the first time, someone saw her for who she really was.

  But it was all a joke to him. She didn’t fit with his friends or his high octane life. He was going to have an exciting future, one of status and popularity, and she wouldn’t be a part of it. She couldn’t. No matter how much pain she imagined she’d seen in his face when she ended things, she knew the truth.

  Avery would never see her as anything other than the nerd she’d always known she was.

  She ran her hand through her hair, conscious of the pink highlights that made her feel like someone else, someone new. Her face was exposed without the thick glasses hiding her eyes from view. The contacts gave her confidence she didn’t normally feel.

  She wore ripped jeans and a tight black V-neck shirt underneath her puffy coat. Removing the coat, she tried to ignore the eyes on her. At school, the gazes were scathing, and she could handle that.

  But here, among people who didn’t know her as anything other than this version of herself, they were something else. Appraising? Appreciative?

  Someone sidled up beside her and grinned down at her. “Let me help you with that.” He reached for her keyboard, but she jerked it away from him.

  “I’ve got it.” Where had Becks and Julian gone? She searched the crowd for them, but they’d gotten separated.

  The boy wasn’t deterred. “Whatever you say, beautiful. You in the band?”

  She lifted a brow. What a stupid question. She wanted to tell him that, but her voice wouldn’t cooperate. “Um…uh…”

  His grin widened. “You’re adorable.”

  “No.” She settled her eyes on the ground. “I’m not.” When she met his eyes, recognition sparked. She searched for a name in her mind. Where had she met him before?

  Her eyes widened as a memory sparked. “You’re Nicky’s boyfriend.”

  He froze. “I don’t know anyone named Nicky.”

  Yes, she was sure of it. Kenny. That was his name. Of course, he was here, surrounded by Defiance Academy kids. She hated that Nicky took him back after finding him kissing a girl at a party, and now he was hitting on her.

  He backed away, and Nari opened her mouth to say something else before a hand landed on her shoulder.

  “You okay?” Cam asked as Peyton stepped up to her other side, eyeing Kenny warily.

  He hurried away from them, and Nari turned to her friends, relief washing over her. “You guys came.”

  “Of course.” Peyton looped her arm through Nari’s. “This is the first time I get to see you and Julian on stage.”

  Nari smiled. She didn’t know what she’d done to deserve friends like Peyton and Cam. They’d been with her as much as they could since the blow up with Avery. When she’d gotten her exam grades back, they’d celebrated with her as if they were their own Bs and Cs.

  And the entire time, she’d wanted to run to Avery and tell him how well she’d done. He was the only person who knew just how much she’d struggled.

  She shook thoughts of him aside as she led Peyton and Cam to where the rest of the band was setting up.

  “I can’t wait to see this,” Peyton squealed. She scanned Nari from head to toe as Nari threw her coat onto a chair along the wall. “You look hot, girl.”

  Nari’s cheeks flamed.

  Cam nodded in agreement. “You look beautiful.”

  Compliments from Cam weren’t anything new. He was the nicest guy Nari knew, but he wasn’t the boy she wanted to hear those things from. And she hated herself for that thought.

  She wanted to be stronger than she was, to move on and forget the last two months.

  Julian took her keyboard and set it up for her as Becks approached, pushing himself between her and Peyton to wrap his arm around Nari’s shoulder. “You ready for this?”

  She nodded, swallowing. “As I’ll ever be.”

  He squeezed her to his side. “Forget about him, Nari. At least for tonight. These performances aren’t about him or anyone else. They’re for us. When we’re on that stage, I want you to look at me. I’ll keep you focused.”


  She smiled up at him, grateful for his words. Becks was Avery’s best friend, yet he’d been a friend to her as well.

  He leaned down, dropping his voice. “I wish he could see you now, Nari, like this.”

  She sighed, not denying her feelings anymore. Becks could see right through her. “That’s the thing, Becks. This is the girl he’d want, not the one I am every other day of the week.” She gestured down at herself. “This isn’t real.”

  “Bullshit, Nars. This is just as real as that other version of you. I know because I feel more like myself on that stage than anywhere else. There are different parts of you, but it doesn’t mean one is fake.” He shook his head. “And for what it’s worth, I’m pretty damn positive Avery wants the girl who hides behind glasses and books, the one who stumbles over her words and doesn’t know just how awesome she is.”

  “I wish I could believe you. I know you’re just trying to make me feel better. Even if it was true, I can’t trust him. Not now.”

  Becks blew out a frustrated breath and released her. “If you really think that, then you aren’t as smart as I always thought you were. Avery tries to be the jerk everyone expects him to be, but I know him better than anyone. Watching him around you made me think he was finally realizing he was worth something. You may not really have been dating, Nari, but you two made sense in a way few things do.”

  She pulled at the ends of her hair, meeting Peyton’s worried gaze. She’d heard everything Becks said, Nari was sure of it. But Peyton wasn’t team Avery, and Nari couldn’t blame her. She’d been so sure Nari was going to get hurt, and look what happened?

  Nari sucked in a breath, trying to push away every doubt inside her mind. She didn’t need Avery to feel good about herself.

  Becks gripped her arm. “Come here. I want to talk to you about something before we play.” He pulled her away from Peyton and led her toward the corner behind the makeshift stage.

  “What’s up?” She glanced back at Julian and Wylder who she knew was waiting on them.

  “I got a call earlier today from my cousin in Nashville. After graduation, I’m going to live with her for a while. She works for a well-known label and wants to introduce me to some people.” He paused, running a hand through his hair nervously. “I want you to come with me.”

  Nari stared at him in disbelief. “What?” He couldn’t have said what she thought he had. Nashville? She’d never considered leaving home. The plan was set. Her dad would get her a spot at Defiance University. She’d struggle through college and then get some job. As much as she wanted music to remain a part of her life, she never imagined it could.

  When Becks spoke again, the words poured out of him. “Think about it. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed how great you and I are together. When we play, people listen. Nari, I know you want to do what’s expected of you, but screw expectations. You’re born to play music, to write it—hell, to live it. It’s a part of you. I’m going to Nashville no matter what, but I really don’t want to do it without you.” He took her hand in his. “Please, think about it.”

  All Nari could do was nod as she pulled her hand away from him and returned to the stage. She couldn’t just go to Nashville, could she? She’d never really considered what she wanted to do after high school. Her future had never seemed like her own.

  She looked out on the living room. The furniture was pushed up against the walls, creating a massive open space for people to dance to their music, music she’d helped write. Was she really good enough for a town centered on music?

  “We need to start.” Julian plugged in his guitar, strumming it to test the sound.

  As soon as Nari sat on the bench behind her keyboard, nothing else mattered. She rested her fingers on the keys, going over each song in her mind. They were playing Becks’ new songs for the first time tonight, the ones Nari helped him with. She’d never played her own music for anyone else before.

  Becks shot her a grin as if he hadn’t just tilted her world on its axis. He gripped the microphone and introduced the band. The name Anonymous held a different meaning to her now. Was it possible for anyone to truly be anonymous? Nari barely heard his words, and when the music began, she lost herself in the notes, letting them flow through her.

  She leaned forward, singing into the small mic over her keyboard, her voice joining Becks’, the melodies intertwining, molding together. Apart, they sounded good, but together, she knew they were unstoppable.

  Before Avery, before this band, she wouldn’t have considered anything so big. But she wasn’t the girl she was before, the one who could barely speak let alone sing in front of people.

  She’d entered the world of the elite and survived, leaving with her dignity intact. She’d learned to navigate her parents’ expectations, realizing they weren’t the only ones she had to make happy.

  She owed it to herself to hold on to the one thing that made sense to her.

  The band transitioned from one song to the next, holding the rapt attention of the crowd of boarding school kids.

  Peyton and Cam watched her as if seeing her, the real her, for the first time. Even her friends had this idea in their minds of who she was. Maybe Becks was right. That girl and this one weren’t two different people. They were only different sides of her.

  And she was ready for them to come together.

  Her fingers flew over the keys seemingly of their own accord as she let her eyes drift over the crowd.

  A familiar face caught her gaze. Nicky grinned from his spot near the back in that familiar way of his that had always been able to put her at ease. She didn’t know how he went through everything he did with his family and the kids at school and remained so full of joy.

  She wanted that.

  And when her eyes snagged on the boy stepping up beside him, she felt it. For a moment in time, everything made sense.

  And then that feeling shattered inside her as realization cracked the bubble she created around herself each time she played.

  Because Avery St. Germaine was there, and the two parts of herself collided as his eyes settled on the girl she’d never let him see.

  16

  Avery

  “What is she doing in Riverpass?” Avery glanced over his shoulder as they crossed over the Rocky River Bridge on the east side of town.

  “Would you relax? We’re just going to a party.” Nicky had insisted on driving, claiming Avery was too anxious to get behind the wheel.

  “A Defiance Academy party?” Avery ran his hand through his hair. Maybe Nicky had a point. “Is she dating someone there?”

  “No. And will you chill out? You’re going to see a different side of Nari in a minute, but you’re going to have to keep a low profile.”

  “Yeah, those assholes would kick us out faster than I could say Defiance Academy sucks.” Twin Rivers High and Defiance Academy were sworn rivals. The students generally hated each other simply because it was tradition.

  “We’re just going to watch.”

  “Watch what, Nicky? You’re killing me.”

  “Will you just shut up, Avery? We’re here.” Nicky rolled to a stop in front of a huge mansion. It was even more pretentious than their house.

  Avery grabbed a hat from the back seat and pulled it down low over his face. As a sophomore, Nicky wasn’t as recognizable as Avery was. He could hear the pulse of the music even before they made their way inside.

  “Just in time,” Nicky said, guiding Avery through the crowd and toward the back of the huge living room. It was just like every other high school party on the planet. Kids were drinking beer from red Solo cups, and most of the crowd danced to the live music.

  Avery searched the crowd for Nari but couldn’t find her anywhere. This was so not her scene. He’d never taken her to Twin Rivers parties because he knew she’d hate it.

  “Where is she?” Avery asked his brother.

  Nicky pointed to the stage with a grin. “Up there.”

  Avery did a double take. First, he not
iced Becks. It wasn’t a huge shocker to see his best friend up on stage. He was the kind of guy who would do anything. But when Avery’s gaze landed on the keyboard player, his heart nearly stopped.

  Nari didn’t look like Nari without her glasses. Dressed in ripped jeans riding low on her hips, a tight black T-shirt, and pink highlights in her hair, she was hot—like smokin’ hot. Avery always thought she was pretty but in an adorable, girl next door kind of way.

  “What am I even seeing right now?” Avery said.

  “This is the one thing she loves,” Nicky said. “It doesn’t make any sense, and it doesn’t even seem like her up there, but she’s incredible. I don’t think she knows how to reconcile the Nari we know with this girl.” Nicky nodded to the girl on stage.

  “No. It’s still her.” Avery shook his head. “When you really know Nari, this…this makes sense.” He couldn’t explain it, and he sure as hell hadn’t expected it, but Nari was a rock star—and it suited her. But she was also the shy, sweet girl next door too. And he loved that about her.

  “She’s amazing.” Avery couldn’t take his eyes off her. Her fingers flew across the keyboard and her voice … was sexy. She had this sultry bluesy vibe to her voice that fit with Becks’ like a glove. They were killing it on stage together.

  “@KeyboardingIsLife,” Avery muttered to himself. “It all makes sense now.” Her No BS username stumped him in the beginning, and he wasn’t sure it was even her. This quiet, beautiful girl lived for these few precious moments she had to do what she loved. And she didn’t think anyone would understand.

  “She’s going to kill me for bringing you,” Nicky said, but Avery was barely listening to his brother. As she gazed across the audience, Nari’s eyes landed on Avery. For a moment, she gave him the most stunning smile he’d ever seen. And then her face fell, and she locked her eyes on her instrument. Some of the life had gone out of her, and he hated himself for being the reason she hurt.

  “Thank you! You’ve been a great audience tonight!” Becks shouted into the microphone. “We’re Anonymous, and we’ll be back in a bit.”