by Bowes, K T
Leilah put the gun on the floor of the safe with care. She needed to disconnect the magazine but something stopped her. Even checking the gun meant she’d overwritten her father’s fingerprints and while the magazine remained in place, something of Hector stayed imprinted on the world. The sheaf of papers comprised receipts, a guarantee for a toaster long since gone and an unopened envelope addressed to Deleilah Dereham. Just like that; Hector appeared from the grave to scorn her marriage, omitting the name Michael gave her as he slipped the gold band onto her finger. Leilah heard Hector’s voice over the sound of her tears. ‘That Auckland toff’s bad news! You shouldn’t have done it, kōtiro; you only had to come home.’
“But then I’d have to admit I made a mistake,” she sniffed. “I’d have to tell you the truth, Daddy and I couldn’t do that.”
Leilah parted the fragile flap from the body of the envelope, smelling her father’s aftershave tucked away in the folds of paper. His slanted script smiled up at her from yellowed pages.
‘Dear Deleilah,
If you’re reading this, I’ve gone. This old body hasn’t felt good for the past few months and I need to say some things before I leave. I miss your ma, Deleilah and loneliness made me into a rotten father. If she’d been here maybe things would be different now. She’d know just what to do and say. I hope we get to talk again soon because I just hung up the telephone and I’m sorry I made you cry. You know me, Deleilah. I like to see your face and wave my hands around so you understand me, but the damn telephone makes everything come out wrong. I wanted to tell you I love you and respect your decision but that’s not what came out of my mouth. I’d like my time again and promise myself I’d do better. We both know I probably wouldn’t. I do mean to drive up and see you and my granddaughter next week. I’ve found that ugly old rabbit thing you carried around as a wee girl; she might like it. I washed it but an eye fell out. Guess you’ll see that for yourself but I’m hoping you aren’t cross.
Something happened recently and you need to understand in case my visit doesn’t go well and you don’t want to talk to your dad again. Old Horse and me’s been fighting since before you were born. Truth is, he’s the best mate I ever had. He dodged marriage his whole life, lazy bastard and his only family is that no-good kid he pretends is his nephew. Don’t take a genius to work that out now, do it? Only genetics do make a man that pig headed.
Horse got into difficulty and couldn’t tell nobody else. The only thing he had left was that land of his grandfather’s and the house him and the boy live in. He owned it outright and the bloody fool mortgaged it on the advice of an out-of-towner who convinced him he could double his money on a bum deal. He’s too ashamed to tell anyone and he can’t make the repayments. The out-of-towner wants him to sell, which was the game the whole time, that’s what I think, anyway. There’s talk of the gold mines being opened on the lower slopes of his property but there’s nothing there. He said no to selling but then this investment deal came out of nowhere. My gut tells me it’s all connected.
I bought him out, Deleilah. I paid his debt and he handed over the deeds. Bertrams Lawyers in Hamilton oversaw the deal and filed the paperwork and we sent the no-good investment broker packing with the butt of my shotgun. Horse is ashamed and don’t want nobody else to know. He bawled like a baby when I said we should go to Lloyd or Derek for help and made me promise I wouldn’t.
When the time comes, Deleilah, you own it all. Make sure you don’t let your sod of a husband take it away from Horse and his kid. The rental gets paid monthly into an account managed by Bertrams and they’ll contact you when the time comes. Horse’s boy knows nothing so don’t ask him.
You should’ve stayed and married the baby’s father, girly. They’re a good family and he’d have taken care of you both. I can’t look him in the eye knowing what you’ve done but your life is your own. I’ve thought back and I know that’s what you tried to tell me when you came home that day, but you didn’t say the words. You left so upset and then it was too late and that fool married you. Hope you know what you’re doing girly. I hear the baby’s a sweetie. Mari let me see the picture you sent her.
Go well, Deleilah Dereham. I’ll give Lloyd Hinkley this letter tomorrow when I go to town. He’ll keep it with my will.
Even though I never said the words my angel; know you have been loved.
Hector.’
Leilah’s tears dripped onto the aged paper, creating fragile, transparent spots. She peered at the date on the letter, recognising it as the day before her father’s death. The postman found him collapsed in the driveway, dead for hours in the harsh winter rain. Leilah let the paper flutter to the ground and clasped her arms around her knees, burying her face in the cuffs of her shirt and sobbing with grief. She recalled the angry phone conversation in which Hector voiced his opinion that she was selfish and Tane deserved better. Leilah had hugged her month old daughter and ached to confide in him, her mistakes spilling before her like a roll of barbed wire. Hector hated Michael on sight, the one time they met when he visited her in the halls of residence.
“You were right,” Leilah sniffed. “I took twenty years to work out what you already knew.”
“Lei?” Tane’s voice made Leilah start in fright and she jumped, banging her elbow on the wall. She dipped forward and covered the gun with an old farming magazine, trying to make the action look natural. Dark eyes observed her as the policeman approached, his brows knitted over a face channelling concern. He sank to his haunches and offered a gentle hand, stroking his fingers over Leilah’s shoulder. “What’s wrong, Lei? Did that kid do something?” Tane wiped his forearm across his eyes. “Daniel dropped him off at the bottom of your drive. Said he had to get his gear.” Tane swore. “I can’t believe he did that; irresponsible dick! I came straight round when I found out.”
“No, no, it was fine,” Leilah sighed. “He’s a good kid. I dropped him at the motel where the other builder went and they’re starting work for me tomorrow. It’s not him.”
“So what’s wrong?” Tane reached for the letter and Leilah blocked him with her body, turning and snatching it out of reach.
“Nothing. It’s a letter from Hector. I found it in the safe.”
“What safe?” He peered at the partition inside the wardrobe. “Oh, that safe. Bloody hell! We didn’t know he had that, did we? Cunning old bugger.”
Leilah sniffed and folded the letter into quarters, straightening her legs to stuff it into her jeans pocket.
“What’re the other papers?” Curious, Tane leaned across her and Leilah fought to rescue the deeds, pressing her palm against his strong chest.
“It’s private stuff to do with Hector! Don’t snoop you bloody po-po git!”
Tane laughed and his lips felt warm on Leilah’s forehead. “Poor baby.” He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and hugged her close. “Sorry about your dad,” he breathed. “Him and Horse dying so close together was awful.”
Leilah nodded, her hair rustling against his police uniform. “Yeah, rough on Vaughan too.”
“I bet they’re still arguing in Heaven,” Vaughan said, attempting to lighten the moment.
Leilah bit her lip. “I hope it’s Heaven and not the other place.”
Tane rubbed his thumbs under her eyes and smoothed the tears from her streaked face. He kissed her on the nose and stood, wiping his palms down his trousers before offering her a hand up. As Leilah clambered up he drew her close, stroking her back with a sigh. “I’m glad you’re here, Lei. You won’t leave again, will you?” His eyes held an anxiousness which ran deep and Leilah shrugged.
“Dunno, mate. No promises.”
Pain entered Tane’s eyes and he bit his lip, forming the words in his head before he spoke them. “Please tell me the truth; did you go because of me?” he whispered. “Was it because of...?”
Leilah’s fingers pressed his lips closed. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I need to.” He lifted his head and stared at the ce
iling, tightening his grip on Leilah before resuming the experienced search of her face. “It’s eaten away at me ever since. It was a mistake and I never meant...”
“Stop!” Leilah’s eyes flashed with danger and she wrestled herself free. “If you mention it again, we’re done, do you understand? Done!”
“Then I’ll have to take that risk.” Tane took a step towards her. “I’ve waited twenty years to tell you how I feel and I can’t live like this anymore.”
Leilah shook her head and snatched the loose receipts and random documents from the floor, shoving them back into the safe and closing the door with a snap. She spun the dial and felt resistance as the mechanism went back to guarding her father’s secrets. “I don’t care how you feel, Tane. I’ve moved on a lifetime since that day, I don’t have room for your regrets too. Deal with them yourself.”
Leilah pulled the wall closed across the entrance to the safe, seeing Tane’s look of confusion as the gap disappeared. She shoved him out of her way and strode through the kitchen, pulling the truck keys from her back pocket.
“You need to listen to me; I know everything!” Tane shouted and Leilah shook her head and slammed the front door behind her.
“Good for you!” she shouted back as Tane appeared at the door, her boot heels crunching over the gravel. “I thought better of you than to resort to threats!” She jumped into the driver’s seat and backed Hector’s truck out with hands which shook with anger. Her wing mirror clipped the overgrown hedge as she narrowly avoided Tane’s police car, too intent on forcing away the memories of her youth to pay much attention to her driving. Tane shook his handsome head, leaning against the doorframe with one hand on the handle. Leilah refused to meet his eyes as she executed a daring handbrake turn and gunned the old vehicle along the driveway towards the road.
Her eyes felt swollen and scratchy as she made the turn on the main road and headed into town. She wiped her nose on her sleeve and pulled Hector’s letter from her pocket, laying it on the passenger seat beside her. “Why, Dad?” she sighed. “Why drop this on me now?”
Leilah wound down the windows and allowed the muggy breeze to caress her face, dragging her curls from the loose ponytail which confined it. She glanced in the rear-view mirror for a second to check for vehicles behind her and took a sharp inhale.
Deleilah Dereham stared back at her, wide-eyed, dark curls flying in the wind and a look of resignation on her beautiful face.
Chapter 43
Surfacing Truths
“Too late for afternoon tea,” Ted cackled with glee, eyeballing Leilah as he pushed the last bite of scone between his gums.
“Whatever!” Leilah strode around the counter and found Mari peeling carrots in the kitchen. The young girl behind the coffee machine frowned and Leilah stuck her tongue out and shut the door in her face.
“Now that was juvenile, Deleilah Dereham,” Mari commented, drying her hands on her apron. “What’s with you, girly?”
Something about the way she said that last word sent Leilah into a tail spin. “How long, Mari?”
“Ah.” Mari plucked another carrot from the bag and attacked it with the peeler.
Leilah advanced until close enough to snatch it away. “How long were you and my father lovers?” Even the taste of the words on her lips made her want to retch. “That’s disgusting! You showed him the photo of Seline and I asked you not to.”
Mari picked up another carrot and Leilah reached out to bat it away, stopped by Mari’s strong fingers prodding the bleeding orange stump into her chest. “Now you listen here, girly! We were both lonely souls, me and yer dad. Just coz we had nobody don’t mean we didn’t have needs. And as for that photo, you knew I’d show him and that’s why you sent it.”
“I didn’t! I thought you were my friend!” Leilah raised her voice, sounding agonised. “All those times I came home from school and you were there making dinner.”
“I was your bloody friend, girly. And your papa was mine.”
“Stop calling me girly!” Leilah’s face crumpled and she put a hand over her eyes. “It’s his name for me. I wanna hear him say it.”
“Oh, Leilah, sweetheart.” Mari reached for her and then put her hand down, the carrot twisting in her fingers and bleeding carotene into her sleeve. “Hector was sorry about everything that happened between you. He wanted to make amends before he died.”
“So why didn’t he?” Leilah swallowed, appalled at the spite in her voice. “He left a right bloody mess behind him and let me spend the last twenty years thinking he hated me.”
“He didn’t hate youse,” Mari soothed. She put the carrot down and wiped her hand on her apron. “He adored you. We knew you got in a mess, kōtiro but you made your own choices what didn’t include our help.”
“You couldn’t help me,” Leilah whispered. “Nobody could.” Her eyes filled with tears and the hopelessness of her eighteen-year-old world washed over her. “I did fine. I never should’ve come back.”
Mari patted her hand. “Sometimes we have to go back before we can go forwards, Leilah.”
Leilah nodded. “I know; But it hurts.” She gripped her chest, subconsciously accentuating her pain. “It’s too bloody hard.”
“But your daughter, Leilah. You need to put it right for her. You can’t let that wee bub think she belongs to the dick from the fancy family.”
“Stop.” Leilah held her hands out in front of her face. “This is what I hate about this town; everyone knows your business.”
“Na, they don’t.” Mari picked up the carrot again and aimed a vicious cut to its centre. “Nobody don’t know nothin’. Theys think you married an Aucklander because you got pregnant by him.”
“Then that’s my story,” Leilah hissed, her tone threatening. “Please leave it that way.”
Mari shook her head and took out her aggression on the carrot. “None of my business, Deleilah. Youse always had an odd relationship with them boys and I warned your father it would end in tears.” She eyeballed Leilah and shook the remains of the carrot at her. “I hope youse know what youse doing my girl.”
Leilah snorted, misery in the tilt of her defiant jaw. “I’ve no bloody idea, Mari. Nothing’s ever as it seems.” She left the kitchen, slamming the door behind her in an attempt to knock Mari’s words out of her head. ‘But your daughter, Leilah. You need to put it right for her.’
Chapter 44
Indiscretion
Leilah bought coffee and supplies from the petrol station, determined not to hang around in the cafe. She drove back to the farm, fighting to push all thoughts of her childhood friends away. Tane’s sunny face floated across her inner vision, always seeking her approval through his earnest brown eyes. ‘Look at me, Lei,’ he squealed, riding his bike without stabilisers. ‘Look at me, Lei,’ as he scored a try in their joint rugby team. Dante was easy-going and casual about all aspects of life, coasting through as the best looking boy in school. Leilah found herself detested by most of the female population of the district for her proximity to the handsome male. He was tactile and generous, giving Leilah her first French kiss under the oak tree near the school playground and explaining the rudimentary mechanics of sex when Hector tried and failed in his parental duty. Then there was Vaughan. Arriving at the end of primary school, the dark-haired, stunning boy was suspicious and stormy, hiding his thoughts and feelings as though afraid of reprisals. At first Tane hated Leilah sharing her attention with the unpredictable male but Vaughan became a fixture in their group, reliable and loyal, game for a fight and eager to defend. They were a family; siblings without the blood tie, confidantes and secret keepers.
“The horse whisperer, the banker and the policeman,” Leilah breathed. “Oh, my goodness.” She shook her head at the townsfolk and their misconceptions, knowing she wouldn’t be the one to put them straight, especially not now.
Dante sat on Leilah’s front porch as Hector’s old truck raised a dust storm behind it. He lifted a hand in greeting and rose, waggling a
bottle of red wine in the air. “Want some company?” he asked, running a slender hand through his wavy hair.
“Why not?” Leilah locked the truck and strode towards the steps, spluttering in the gritty cloud that followed her into the house. “I forgot how dry it gets out here.” She waved her arm in front of her and closed the door behind them, choking on the dust particles which clung in the air.
“Got a cork screw?” Dante looked around the bare room, wrinkling his nose and staring down at his expensive trousers. “How about a chair to sit on?”
“Neither.” Leilah felt a twinge of defensiveness as though the banker intended to offend her, knowing inwardly he hadn’t. “I’ll fetch a sweater and you can sit on that.”
“Na, no matter.” Dante brushed his hand over the expensive trousers and wrinkled his nose. “I’ll get another pair.” He sank to the floor and leaned his back against the wall.
“Do you still order your shirts online and wear them once?” Leilah asked, kneeling on the floorboards and opening her bag of food.
“Yup.” Dante leaned his elbow on his bent knee and watched her tear open a pie wrapper.
Leilah split the warm pie with her fingers, offering Dante the lion’s share. He took it without thanks and let the crumbs fall to the ground as he bit into the flaky pastry. “Yummo. Love steak and cheese.”
The arguments with Vaughan and Mari suppressed Leilah’s appetite and she handed the rest of her pie and the cooling coffee to Dante. He supped them like a starving man, his blonde hair piling into his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak and Leilah saw the food swishing around on his tongue and raised her hand. “You know better than that, man. Your mama would be horrified.” Leilah regretted the words as they left her lips, acknowledging his mother’s death through a muttered apology.
