'We've got a good crowd tonight,' Nathan smiled. 'Ready, Sephy?'
'As I'll ever be,' I told him, adding, 'And you wouldn't like to knock before you open that door, would you?'
'Sorry!' Nathan grinned at me and shut the door on his way out. I stood up and checked out the dress I was wearing. It was a slinky black and silver creation with a slit up one side and not really my style but as Nathan had pointed out, a venue like his needed its singer to stand out, not fade into the furniture.
I headed out the door and down the narrow, badly lit corridor to the bar. The Specimens entrance opened straight onto the bar, but all the customers had to do was veer to the left to get to the restaurant. The restaurant where I was to work occupied its own discrete area. Each table in the restaurant was adorned with a crisp, white tablecloth. On the tables, the crystal wine glasses shone and the wall lights around the restaurant were so ornate in their workmanship that they wouldn't've been out of place in my mother's house. Even the bar wasn't the 'spit and sawdust' type of effort that was typical around this area. Although the bar itself was made of granite, the rest of the place was all glass and chrome. The bar and restaurant were separated by a semi-frosted glass wall and door. And somehow the whole thing worked. And I wasn't the only one to think so, judging by the crowds in the bar and the restaurant, which was already three-quarters full.
Because of the location of the dressing room, I had to duck and weave around the bar customers to get to the restaurant. I finally sat down at the piano, but my thoughts weren't on my new job. They were with Sonny. As always. What was he doing now? Proving that he didn't need me as much as I needed him? Professionally speaking, of course. Personally speaking, I didn't need anyone.
So why was there such a hollow feeling inside me? A raging emptiness that was eating me up from the inside out. And whose fault was that? As I played the intro to my first song, that one phrase kept playing through my head.
Whose fault was that?
I hadn't seen Sonny in months and I missed him so much. More than missed him. And he wasn't the only one I missed. Callie Rose was eleven, nearly twelve. And what did I really know about her? Not as much as I should. Some mother. Scared to feel, scared to touch, scared to give. Scared, scared, scared. The first chance I got, I'd tell Rose the truth. No more running. I stopped playing the intro to Loving State of Mind.
Sing something else, Sephy.
Sing from the heart, sing how you feel. Or are you too afraid to do even that?
'Persephone, is something wrong?' Nathan appeared from nowhere to ask.
His voice made me jump. I'd forgotten where I was. I took a quick look around. Nathan wasn't the only one who was giving me strange looks.
'I'm fine, Nathan,' I said. 'Sorry.'
'Can I get you a drink, or anything else?'
'No, I'm fine. Honestly.'
I began to play the intro to What I Haven't Got – a song I really wished I'd written. Even so, this was a song I could sing with everything I was. No hiding, no evasion.
I woke up this morning
The way I went to sleep
I know that what we did last night was
My way of counting sheep
I'm scared when we're together
Afraid to be alone
Your love is such a wonder
And in your arms I'm home
But your love will never hold me
Why can't you understand?
What I haven't got is
The nerve to love one man
I know there's something missing
But I just can't track it down
So I wear my 'I don't care'
Like a smile upon a clown
I laugh when we're together
Nothing ever seems quite real
'Cept when the night surrounds me
And fear is all I feel
Your love will never hold me
Why can't you understand?
What I haven't got is
The nerve to love one man
What I haven't got is
The nerve to love
(The nerve to love)
The nerve to love
Just one man
I finished on an improvised instrumental ending, hitting the final chord as I hummed into the microphone. The applause wasn't rapturous but I didn't get booed off either. I started playing the second song. I could've sung but I decided to leave this one as an instrumental. I hadn't done this in a long time and I didn't want to exhaust my voice. I had to pace myself.
My mind went back to Sonny. I'd got him and me all wrong. I expected the way I felt about him to be exactly the way I felt about Callum. I hadn't allowed for the fact that I'd grown up in the meantime. And it'd taken a lot of painful thinking to realize that I did love Sonny in a way that was equal but different to the way I loved Callum. Maybe part of me thought I'd be betraying Callum by allowing myself to love someone else so I'd convinced myself that I was incapable of loving anyone except my daughter.
Maybe it wasn't too late. I just had to pick myself up, take a deep breath and revive myself. All the parts of me that stopped me functioning, just let them go. Drop them, leave them behind and keep moving. I'd spent long enough standing still. First thing tomorrow, I'd phone Sonny. Not to give false hope but with the promise that he'd get me this time, all of me. I smiled, actually feeling hopeful inside. A weird and wonderfully warm wave I hadn't felt in so very long. Still smiling, I looked around the room.
Sonny was looking straight at me.
My heart bounced. I almost stopped playing. Where had he sprung from? It felt like I'd conjured him out of thin but welcome air, just by thinking about him. I beamed at him as I carried on playing, so happy to see him. I tried to tell him with my expression and smile what I'd never been able to say to him before.
Hello, Sonny. Yes, it's me. And I'm here for both of us, if you still want me. I've spent so long mourning the past that I almost missed my present. But not any more. So here I—
Sonny wasn't alone. A beautiful Nought woman with jet-black hair leaned across to whisper something in his ear. I didn't miss the way her hand rested possessively on his arm as it lay on the table. I didn't miss the way she glanced at me before turning her full attention to Sonny as she whispered. I turned back to my piano.
Just keep playing, Sephy.
Whatever happens, just keep playing.
I worked for the next half an hour, singing a couple of songs but just playing the piano for all the others. And I made sure to sing into my microphone and not look around at anything or anyone. When at last it was time for my break, I announced I'd be back in fifteen minutes and headed straight for my dressing room.
Didn't quite make it though.
Sonny was waiting for me in the staff corridor.
'Hello, Sonny,' I said, slowing down when I caught sight of him.
'Hello, Persephone.'
God, he looked good. He was wearing a navy shirt and matching trousers. He'd had his hair professionally cut by the look of it instead of popping to the barber round the corner from where he lived the way he usually did. In fact, it wasn't just the haircut that was working. He'd had his eyebrows trimmed and his hair highlighted, I think. Funny what a little tender, loving care and a top ten hit song could do for you. Sonny had moved from 'OK, with an onion and salt', gone straight past fit and was now in the super-fit category.
I smiled with embarrassment. Goodness! I sounded like my daughter!
'I hate to be a jobsworth about this, but customers aren't allowed back here and I have to change for my next set,' I said, in what I hoped was a light tone. 'Besides your . . . your girlfriend will be missing you.'
The word stuck in my throat like a wedge of dry, crumpled printer paper.
'I told her I wanted to have a word with you,' said Sonny.
'Oh yes? What about?'
'How are you?'
'Fine.' I shrugged and tried to move past him but Sonny stepped in front of me, barring my way.
And the corridor was so narrow and he was so broad that there was no way I could get past, short of flying over him.
'How long have you been singing here?'
'Tonight's my first night.' I painted on the happiest, most cheerful smile I could dredge up.
Sonny looked down at me. I looked up at him and for the life of me I couldn't think of another thing to say.
'D'you and your girlfriend come here often?' Rats! I couldn't believe what I'd just said. 'Scratch that. It's none of my business.'
'Sherona's never been here and it's her birthday so . . .' Sonny shrugged away the rest of his sentence.
'Is she enjoying herself?'
'I think so. She says you're a good singer but you don't have much presence.'
I raised my eyebrows. 'D'you agree with her?'
'Well, you're coming across as if you're not really enjoying yourself,' said Sonny.
'Hence the reason you came back here?' I realized. 'Well, I'm fine. And tell your girlfriend that I'll try to do better when I go out again. Excuse me.'
I scooted past Sonny before he could realize what I was about to do. I headed into my dressing room, shutting the door behind me. It opened again almost immediately.
'Did you forget something, Sonny?'
I watched as he shut the door before leaning against it. And he didn't once take his eyes off me. He was making me nervous.
'How's Callie Rose?'
After a moment's pause, I decided to be truthful. 'She's missing you.'
'And what about you? Are you missing me too?'
No way was I going to answer that one. Not when he had a girlfriend in tow.
'How come you never phoned me?' asked Sonny.
'You didn't phone me either,' I pointed out. 'Mind you, after seeing Sherona and her pneumatic boobs, I can understand why.'
'You're the one who dumped me, remember.'
'I didn't dump you, I just didn't want to get married.'
'And I didn't want to spend the rest of our lives together going absolutely nowhere. Staying still wasn't good enough for me. It shouldn't've been good enough for you either.'
'Well, you got over me PDQ.' I smiled sweetly. 'Off with the old, on with the new.'
'PDQ?'
'Pretty damned quick.'
'Are you jealous?' asked Sonny.
"Course not,' I lied. 'Besides which, Sonny, it really isn't any of my business. Not any more. Now, if you'll excuse me.' I put my hands behind my head and pulled at the zip of my dress but my dramatic attempt at dismissal backfired when it got stuck after only a few centimetres. I tugged and twisted but the damned thing wouldn't work lose.
'I'll do it,' said Sonny. He stepped forward, pulled my hands down to my sides and pulled the zip down before I could draw breath to tell him not to bother.
I spun away from him. 'Thanks. I can take it from here. Could you shut the door on your way out?'
I turned my head to watch him leave. Leave the room. Leave my life. But when Sonny did move, it wasn't towards the door. I was in his arms and we were kissing like our lives depended on it. Sonny's arms were wrapped round me and his hands moved up and down my bare back, burning into my skin.
'I've missed you so much,' Sonny breathed against my cheek.
'I'm so sorry for how I treated you, Sonny. You don't know how many times I've picked up the phone
And then we were kissing again like the last two people on earth. I poured all the longing and loneliness and love I had in me into that kiss. He had me burning and fizzing like a firework.
But then the door opened and in walked Nathan, closely followed by Sherona. I pulled away from Sonny, but not before our uninvited guests saw us. And my ridiculous fantasy of Sonny and me was blasted away like spring snow in a furnace.
forty-five. Rose is 11
'Rose, can I talk to you for a moment?' asked Mum.
I looked up from my homework. 'Yes, Mum?'
'I need to talk to you about something.'
'What?'
Mum chewed on her bottom lip. 'It's about. . . your dad.'
I put down my pen. Mum now had my full attention. 'Yes, Mum?'
'Your dad . . .' Mum sighed. 'Your dad loved you very much.'
Was that all? 'Yes, I know, Mum. You've already told me.'
'I just didn't want you to forget, that's all,' said Mum. 'Back to your homework.'
I didn't need to be told twice. All that build-up to tell me something I already knew. Honestly!
forty-six. Jude
Here she comes. Look at her! She's actually pleased to see me. Got her brains from her mother's side of the family obviously. And meeting up like this at the cinema was a stroke of genius, even if I do say so myself. The brat has been blathering on about this film for the last month and how her mum won't let her see it because of its fifteen certificate. So naturally I said I'd take her.
Our secret, of course.
If the film was some nonsense love story then I wouldn't've bothered, but this film has violence rather than sex as its main ingredient. Perfect. I'm going to start taking her to a number of these, to show her what the world is really like. Good old Uncle Jude, who'll let Callie do all the things her mum won't allow. And a few others her mother never even thought of. How old is the brat now? Twelve? Thirteen? Plenty old enough to learn a few facts of life. Anyone for a game of corruption? I hate to brag, but I'm a grand master.
Standing in this queue is fraying my nerves though. Morgan has arranged backup at a discreet distance further down the line, but even so I'm not keen on standing out in the open like this. Not in my line of work. And my profile hasn't exactly diminished in any way. I'm working my way up the government's most wanted hit parade, not down.
'Hi, Uncle.'
'Hello, Callie Rose. How're you?'
'Fine,' Callie smiled. 'Thanks for doing this. I really appreciate it.'
'You can show your appreciation by not telling anyone what we're doing.'
'I won't.' Callie Rose worried the corner of her bottom lip. I'd seen that gesture too many times before not to know what was coming. 'When are we going to tell Mum about you?'
I made up a deep sigh. 'You know how tricky it is, Callie Rose. And you only know a fraction of the things that happened in the past.'
'Well, why don't you tell me the rest then, Uncle?'
'It's for your mother to tell you, not me.'
'But you—'
'I know,' I interrupted. 'I've told you not to ask her, but you've got to see it from my point of view. I'm in an invidious position, Callie. Anything I say about the past could make things considerably worse.'
'You're talking like a cryptic crossword,' Callie sighed. 'Again!'
'I'm a grown-up, that's my job.'
'Uncle Jude! You made a joke! That's not like you!' Callie said incredulously.
I almost laughed. Almost. But I caught myself in time. I wouldn't let this girl get under my skin. I let a Cross get under my skin once before, just once, and it almost cost me everything I was and everything I knew.
That'd never happen again.
'Don't you like my mum, Uncle Jude?'
'It's not that . . . It's just that I think I'd respect her more if she told you the truth,' I said, selecting my words with overt care.
'The truth about what?'
'I've said too much.' I shook my head.
'Oh, Uncle. I wish you wouldn't do that,' said Callie. 'It's really frustrating.'
'You just have to trust that when the time is right, you'll know all there is to know,' I said. 'Now let's go in and see the film. D'you want to have something to eat with me afterwards?'
'I'd better not. I told Nana Meggie I was popping round to Nikki's house and I'd be back before dinner,' said Callie. 'If I'm late she'll get very cross with me.'
'You mean she'll clear her throat twice!' I said wryly.
'She's a lot more strict than that,' Callie laughed.
'Not with you. Not from what you've told me over the last year,' I said.
'Besides, my mum
'What?'
'My mum will do whatever she can to protect you, even if it means shielding you from the truth.'
'Is the truth bad?'
'No, Callie. The truth will set you free – when you're old enough to handle it.
A little seed here. A dash of water there. Just enough to keep suspicion and doubt alive and modestly thriving until they could be nurtured into something far more spectacular.
'Callie Rose,' I said in all seriousness, 'I want you to know that I'll never lie to you. If you ask me something I don't want to answer, then I won't. But I won't lie. You can trust me. OK?'
'OK, Uncle.'
A little seed here. A splash of water there.
We went into the cinema.
forty-seven.
Callie Rose is 11
'Excuse me . . .'
The older girls barged past me, spinning me around as they went. I turned and tried to ask two passing boys where SC12 was. They completely ignored me. My second day at Heathcroft High was shaping up to be worse than the first. The school was huge and busy and I felt like I was drowning in this unknown sea of faces.
'Hiya, Rose.'
'Oh hello, Lucas.' Lucas Cheshie and two of his mates stood in front of me. And I've never been so happy to see anyone in my life.
'You look lost,' said Lucas.
Was it so pathetically obvious?
'I was trying to find Room SC12.'
'That's in the science block. The quickest way is to cut across the quad and head for that grey and green building over there,' said Lucas, pointing through the window beside us. 'SC12 is on the first floor of that building. Didn't you get your school map?'
I wasn't about to tell him that Ella, his cow of a sister, had seen me looking at it on our first day at school and had snatched it from me and torn it up right in front of my nose.
Checkmate Page 15
