So why should it be any different now? You've been in good health for years now. It's probably just stress or nerves or your imagination. So calm down.
But I hardly have to press to feel it. It's hard like a marble, irregular in shape, not spherical, bigger than before and more painful.
The lump in my breast is back.
fifty-five. Sephy
I looked around Specimens with interest. It was so still and quiet. Although it was open every evening till late, we only opened for lunch on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. It was always so totally different when it was closed. Empty, it was sad as a wind-up toy just waiting for people to come along and play with it. Empty, it looked like it was trying too hard. And the glass wall separating the bar from the restaurant looked exclusive in the worse sense of the word. It was a teaser, mocking each space with its 'look, but don't touch' window on the other world. Different types of people came to each. The bar was more of a first date, out with friends or have a laugh kind of place. The restaurant was more subdued, more intimate and was becoming very much an 'in' place. A venue in which to see and be seen. Nathan had poured a great deal of time and money as well as himself into the place. Specimens felt like my second home. I'd grown comfortable here. Playing the piano and singing in the restaurant wasn't too taxing, although I had to be careful to rest my voice on my days off, and Nathan had even put a sign outside the place saying, 'Specimens – featuring Sephy.' No full names, no last names. I'd never be that comfortable.
'Sorry I'm late.' Nathan walked in from the street. He shook his head and immediately pulled off his dripping coat. He looked like he'd just had a bucket of water tipped over him.
'Hi, Nathan. Still raining, is it?'
It'd been raining since early morning and at one in the afternoon it was only just beginning to show signs of letting up.
'Your powers of deduction are astounding,' said Nathan, locking and bolting the door behind him. 'What happened to the sunshine we were promised for today?'
I smiled. Nathan had a dry, almost sarcastic manner which hid a heart as soft as yoghurt. After my first mortifying evening when he and Sherona had walked into my dressing room to find me in Sonny's arms, I had thought I'd get fired for sure. But all he had said once Sherona and Sonny were gone was, 'If you'd rather take the rest of the evening off, that's fine.'
I'd remained silent, wondering if it had been his subtle way of telling me to leave and not come back, but then he'd said, 'So I'll see you tomorrow?'
I hadn't left. I'd stayed. No more running away. And that had been Nathan's last word on the subject.
After that first day, he always knocked on my dressing-room door before entering and all the time I'd now worked for him he'd never once made me feel cheap – which was precisely what I'd been feeling after the débâcle with Sonny and his new girlfriend. It still made me wince to remember all the names Sherona had flung at me because bad as they were, I deserved every one.
Nathan had proved himself to be one of my true friends and after keeping myself deliberately isolated for so long, I didn't have too many of those.
'You look lovely,' said Nathan.
I glanced down at my attire. Yes, I had remembered correctly! I had on an old pair of jeans and a yellow T-shirt. Hardly haute couture!
'Thanks, Nathan. But maybe you need to get out more? Frequent more places than your home and this bar?'
'I hear they're starting classes at the local adult education centre,' said Nathan.
'Classes in what?' I asked, wondering at the change of subject.
'Classes in learning to take a compliment.'
Laborious point taken!
'Thank you. Now that's out of the way, any ideas on the type of songs you want me to perform tonight?' I asked as Nathan hung up his coat.
Most of the time he left it to me but I always checked just in case.
'We've got two birthday parties coming in later so nothing too thoughtful.'
'Light and fluffy. Got it,' I replied.
I began to sort through my music on the table before me, dividing the sheets into the two required groups. Nathan was halfway across the floor when someone started pounding on the door. Through the frosted glass in the door, I could just make out the silhouettes of two men. With a frown, Nathan turned to look, only to turn back to me almost at once. And there was no mistaking the look on his face.
'Sephy, disappear. NOW!' Nathan's eyes were hard, his lips set.
If he had butterflies in his stomach, they were obviously infectious because now my stomach was jittering too. I didn't need to be told twice.
'Head out the back,' Nathan ordered in a whisper.
I headed through the door which led past my dressing room and to the back door beyond, but halfway down the hallway I changed my mind. I had no idea what was going on but suppose Nathan needed my help? I tiptoed back the way I came, catching the door which opened into the bar just before it shut completely. I peered past it, watching as Nathan steeled himself before unbolting and unlocking the main entrance. He barely had time to step out of the way before the door was flung open. Two Nought men in power suits strode inside, uninvited. Then a Nought man wearing clothes that would've cost me at least half a year's salary sauntered into the bar, smiling serenely. There were no bumps in the road of his life. His smile became even more pleasant when he caught sight of Nathan.
'Nathaniel, I'm pleased, if a little surprised, to see you here. That I am.'
'Why wouldn't I be in my own place, Mr Carson?' Nathan asked coldly.
'Your place, is it? Your place as long as you pay me to keep it,' said Mr Carson silkily.
Nathan said nothing.
'Now you didn't pay me last weekend and I let you be because anyone can forget or have a bad week. But I can't let it slide for another week. Miss one week and that's bad luck. Miss two weeks and that's bad habits. So I'll just be taking my money and going,' said Mr Carson.
My heart was thundering like an express train through a tunnel by now. I should've just left when Nathan told me to. Now what? I couldn't sneak away, they might hear me. If I revealed myself I might suffer whatever fate was in store for Nathan. Or worse.
I recognized the thug threatening Nathan now. Not by his face but by his name. He had to be Jordy Carson. I think Jordy was short for Jordache. He was known as Mr Teflon because the police had never managed to charge him with anything and make it stick. Jordy was supposed to have his evil little fingers in a number of pies: extortion, gambling, prostitution; he was even rumoured to have funded umpteen Liberation Militia operations. The buzz said that he financed L.M. bank robberies and jewel heists and the like for a generous percentage of the takings. And weapons technology was also supposed to be shared between his mob and the L.M. He was one of the untouchables. And here he was in Specimens, trying to intimidate my boss and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. Why would a man like him even bother with a relatively smalltime operation like Specimens? It didn't make any sense. Unless smaller concerns like Specimens financed his larger operations. And one rebel like Nathan could give a lot of other people ideas.
What should I do?
Inside, panic began to rise like flood waters, sweeping away all my attempts to think rationally.
'I don't have anything for you,' said Nathan, drawing himself up, his back ramrod straight.
'Now I don't believe that, Nathaniel,' said Jordy, making himself comfortable on a bar stool. 'I'll just sit here and wait for you to come to your senses and give me my money.'
'I'm not paying you or anyone else another penny,' said Nathan quietly. 'Between you and the Audley family, you're bleeding me dry.'
'Not giving me what you owe me is bad for business – and hazardous to your health,' said Jordy.
'I'm not paying you a penny,' Nathan repeated.
'I'll have to see if I can change your mind,' said Jordy evenly.
He nodded at his two muscle-bound, muscle-brained goons, who smiled at each other before they started
for Nathan.
'I'm going to enjoy this,' said the biggest thug.
I gasped involuntarily, then bit my lip. The goons carried on advancing on Nathan, but Jordy Carson looked around, the smile fading from his face for the first time since he'd arrived.
'Wait,' he ordered. 'There's someone else here.'
I didn't wait to hear any more. I turned and ran.
fifty-six.
Callie Rose is 12
I looked up from my book and glanced around. No Tobey. The playing field wasn't too busy as the grass was still soggy from the earlier rain, plus there was a late lunch-time basketball match between the sixth-form senior teams. Most of my friends had gone to watch that, but as far as I was concerned, watching basketball was like watching grass grow. The sun was out and hot on my legs and face. Almost uncomfortably so. I scanned around again. Definitely no Tobey. We'd fallen out – again – the morning before. Some silly argument that I couldn't even remember. And even though we'd only not been speaking for one day, I missed him. I knocked for him after school yesterday but he said he couldn't come round 'cause he had to finish his homework. When I suggested we worked together, he made an excuse about that as well. And he left for school this morning without knocking for me first. I guess he's still mad at me. But I'm hoping it won't last. Tobey will always be my friend – at least, I hope so. I can't imagine not being friends with him and I have a pretty good imagination. I returned to my book, but after a couple of minutes I still didn't know what it said on the page.
'Hi, Callie Rose.' Lucas sat down next to me.
I immediately shut my book.
'Hi, Lucas.'
Lucas returned my smile. I waited for him to speak. He waited for me. Lucas was so lovely. He always stopped to chat whenever he saw me. I hadn't quite figured out why but it was very sweet of him.
'So what're you reading?' he asked at last. 'A romance?'
'Are you kidding?' I said, deeply offended. 'It's a history book about world conflicts over the last century. Nana Meggie got it for me.'
'Why on earth are you reading that?'
'The past is often the key to the future,' I said grandly, admitting, 'At least that's what Nana Meggie says.'
'D'you believe her?'
'I don't know,' I admitted. 'That's why I'm reading this book, I suppose. Nana Meggie says I should know more about the history of both Noughts and Crosses and she reckons the school will only teach me Cross history.'
'There's Nought history week every October,' Lucas pointed out.
'That's what I told her,' I admitted. 'But Nana says Nought history shouldn't be confined to just one week of every year and only when the schools can be bothered. She says the history of Crosses and Noughts is intertwined and should be taught that way.'
'D'you and your nan talk about stuff like that a lot?'
I nodded. 'Well, Nana does most of the talking! Mum and Nana Meggie have always talked to me about current events but most of the time I just switch off. I must admit, I'm not really into politics and all that stuff. Do you talk about history and politics and stuff with your mum and dad?'
'Are you nuts?' Lucas scoffed. 'Dad's too busy to talk to any of us. And Mum's not interested in anything that doesn't have a price tag attached. She shops, she goes to the gym, she shops some more. End of story.'
'Oh, I see. Well, you can read this book after me if you'd like,' I offered.
'Is it any good?'
'Not bad. I thought I'd get some more info about the bits that interest me after I've finished reading it though.'
'Why?'
'I'm not going to believe just one book,' I told him.
'You're a girl who likes to make up her own mind, eh?'
'I guess.'
'If you like history, you should go and see that new film, Black Sails.'
'I'm hoping to see it this weekend actually.'
'I want to see it too,' said Lucas. 'Fancy going with me? Not on a date or anything but as friends. Or maybe we could arrange for a group of us to go and see it.'
But before I could answer – 'Hi, Loo-cassss!' Bliss from my class plonked herself right in front of Lucas, completely ignoring me. And the way she said his name – please! Talk about making a meal out of each and every syllable.
'How are you?' Bliss continued.
'Fine,' Lucas smiled.
And I still didn't exist. There wasn't even a contemptuous, dismissive flick of her eyelashes. Nothing.
'Are you still coming to my party on Saturday?' Bliss wheedled. 'Everyone will be there.'
I won't, I thought with a wry smile.
'I said I was coming, didn't I?' said Lucas tetchily. 'I haven't changed my mind since this morning.'
'I'm so glad,' fawned Bliss.
I mean, really! Why didn't she just fall to her knees and kiss his sweaty feet?
'What time are you going, Callie Rose?' Lucas turned to ask me. 'I can call for you if you'd like. We could share a cab?'
'I'm not going to Bliss's party,' I replied.
'How come?' said Lucas.
'I wasn't invited.'
'Oh, I see. Well, would you rather go to the cinema instead? We could go to a late screening rather than an early one.'
I glanced at Bliss. If looks could kill, Bliss would've been banged up for life with no possibility of parole.
'Callie Rose, of course you're invited to my party,' said Bliss, insincerity positively dripping from every pore. 'Your invitation must've got lost in the post.'
Of course it did, along with my invitation to lunch with the Prime Minister.
'So what d'you think?' smiled Lucas. 'The cinema or Bliss's party?'
'What would you rather do?' I asked.
'I really don't mind. It's entirely up to you.'
I looked at Bliss, enjoying the look of pure panic on her face. Serve her right – stuck-up snob.
'Can I think about it, Lucas?' I asked.
'That's fine.' Lucas shrugged and stood up. 'Let me know what you decide.'
'I will,' I called after him as he walked off. Bliss and I watched him leave, but at least I looked away first. I decided it was time for me to make myself scarce as well, but no sooner had I stood up than Bliss stepped in front of me, blocking my way. Alexia and Rachel, two of Bliss's fashion victim friends, appeared from nowhere to stand on either side of her. They all looked like clones, dressed alike in school skirts hitched up to exactly the same length and royal-blue shirts with the same top three buttons undone, ties around their necks instead of their shirt collars. There wasn't a spark of originality or individuality between them. And they each wore the same expressions, revealing the same hostility.
'You don't want to miss my party,' Bliss told me.
'Well, I haven't made up my mind yet—'
'You really don't want to miss my party,' Bliss repeated.
'I'm flattered that my presence means that much to you.'
'I don't want you there,' said Bliss bluntly. 'But if Lucas doesn't turn up, I'm going to hold you personally responsible.'
'I don't tell Lucas what to do,' I protested.
Bliss leaned forward so that she was right in my face. 'If I find out that Lucas went to the cinema with you instead of to my party, I'll make sure you're really sorry.'
'Oh yeah? How're you going to do that?'
'You wouldn't want to find out.'
'I don't doubt it,' I replied.
Bliss gave me a quick shove for good luck and marched off with her entourage. For a minute or two it was fun thinking of the look on her face on Saturday if Lucas didn't show up for her party because he was with me. But I knew it wouldn't happen. Part of me, pathetic as I knew it was, wanted to go to Bliss's party. I'd heard her house was something else, with an indoor swimming pool no less. And most of the girls in my class had spoken of nothing else for the past week.
So I decided to go.
'Just so she won't be disappointed and miss me too much!' I told myself. 'I'll go for Bliss's sake, rather than my own.
'
And if I said it enough times, maybe I'd start to believe it.
fifty-seven. Sephy
I heard all kinds of shouting and crashing and swearing behind me but I didn't look back and I certainly didn't stop. A terrifying feeling of déjà-vu bit savagely at me. The past and present combined to play tricks in my head. A hallway, a beach . . . the smell of the sea, the smell of my sweat dripping past my eyes, the feel of perspiration prickling the skin beneath my nose, tiny rocks and stones pricking the soles of my feet, the sound of the sea crashing on the shore . . . Only it wasn't the sound of the sea, it was the sound of my blood racing through me. Being chased by Callum, being chased by Noughts, being chased . . .
Run, Sephy. Run.
I flung myself at the back door, pushing down on the bar handle that ran across the width of the door to open it. A blast of traffic noise hit me. The restaurant bins had been put out, ready to be emptied, and although the rain had now stopped, huge drops of water dripped off them, audibly hitting the pavement. Should I stop and push one in front of the exit? No time. Just run, Sephy. Lose yourself in the afternoon crowd.
Don't let them catch you.
Not again.
I weaved in and out of those around me, who all seemed to be walking towards rather than away from me so that I was moving against the flow. Some still had their umbrellas up, unaware that the rain had now stopped. Maybe that would work in my favour?
'Ow!'
'Watch it!'
Sharp comments and dirty looks followed in my wake, but I didn't stop running. Had I been followed? Were Jordy's henchmen still after me? I didn't even know. I hadn't turned my head once to find out. I ducked into a fairly crowded boutique and ran straight up to the Nought woman serving behind the counter. I was going to ask for her help but then I saw the phone on the counter.
'May I use your phone please?'
'I'm sorry, but our phones are not for customer use—' The woman began an obviously well-rehearsed line.
'Please. It's urgent. A matter of life and death,' I said.
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