by Ellie White
The video slows down before zooming in and pausing on a bright star in the distance. A textbook appears next to it and I carefully read it, feeling Jakes eyes on me. I gasp as I absorb the information.
This live image was taken by the Royal Observatory Greenwich at 00:01 on January 1st 2013 and presents the star formerly known as JPB1109-96.
The international Star Registry has been updated and, as of January 10th 2021, this star will be named Philip's Lucky Star in memory of the late Philip Matthews. Loving husband, son, brother and friend.
Tears are streaming down my face as I take in the words on the screen.
"Did you do this?"
"Shit. I'm sorry, I thought you might like it. I remember how into space Philip was," Jake says in a panic.
"Jake," I say as I sit up to look at him properly, taking both of his hands in mine and gently kissing his knuckles. "I love it. These are happy tears, I promise. And you're right, Philip would love it, too."
He visibly relaxes as he wipes away my tears with his sleeve. "I'm relieved. For a second, I thought I had messed up again. I have the certificate and things at home for you. I thought this would be a nice touch and Carl owes me a lifetime of favours so I called one in."
"This is the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. I don't even know how you did it."
"I did nothing, really. Carl trailed through hours of archived footage to find this star so we could name it. It was a new star that was discovered on the night of the accident," he pauses for a moment as I take it all in. "I noticed that, whenever something is bothering you, you automatically go to play with your wedding rings. Did you know that?"
"I haven't noticed it but, now you've mentioned it, I suppose I do. They were the last thing to connect me to him. The only thing that I kept," I say, a fresh batch of tears falling from my eyes.
After wearing my wedding ring and engagement ring for so long after he died, they became a part of me. After all, they we're once a part of him, too, a symbol of our love and our union. It's no surprise that they became a safety net for me, comforting and a reminder of how lucky I have been. Even now, my finger has been permanently changed by them, indented at the exact place my rings sat. Every day since I took them off, I notice less and less but that doesn't mean I don't still look for them for support.
I'd never expressed any of that to Jake. I never once spoke about the importance of my rings or why I kept them on for so long after Philip died. I didn't have to explain it, Jake got it. He knew me well enough to know how important they were to me. It was touching how he noticed when I took them off for the first time, even after spending barely any time in my company for over 10 years.
"Now, you have this. He's up there whenever you need him, all you need to do is look up," he says, tightly clutching my hand once more, effortlessly comforting me when I need him to.
***
When I finally finished crying and thanking Jake over and over in the planetarium, we made our way home to get changed, ready for the gig Helen got us tickets to tonight.
I quickly re-apply my make-up (since I cried most of it off) and throw on a red skater dress and my chunky Louboutin boots. He picks me up an hour later and we share a taxi to Evil Eye, a secret underground rock’n’roll nightclub in Shoreditch that you need a password to gain entry to.
Everyone is already there when we arrive. They aren't surprised to hear that Jake named a star after Philip; I suppose he'd already told them he was planning on doing it and had to ask Laura for some information. I still can't quite get over it myself and I almost feel like a lovesick puppy as I stare up at him from the comfort of his side while he talks.
Helen, Laura and I take our seats at the long, wooden table and send the others to get the drinks in. It's all a ruse so we can have some girl talk without having to talk in code or worry about what we say.
"This place is so cool. How did you get these tickets, anyway?" I ask Helen, looking around the room.
The walls are painted black and the roof is coated with sound proofing foam. Tributes to punk bands decorate the walls.
"I went to drama school with Nicki, she's the drummer in the band we're here to see," she says, sipping her flavoured gin through a tiny straw. “They toured with the band Evil Eye a few years ago on this huge world tour. Now, they've just put out a new album and they're trying a few local gigs to see if there’s interest for a bigger tour."
"Bloody Hell, they know Evil Eye? The band this place was named after?" Laura says, shouting to be heard over the music. "Mackenzie is incredible and really famous. I wonder what happened to her; she just seemed to drop off the face of the earth."
"They were so good. Nicki said one of the band members had a drug problem and they didn't want to continue without him. One of the other guys in the band married the bass player and she got pregnant and didn't want to tour anymore," Helen explains. "So, anyway, before the boys get back, tell us more about your day at the Observatory."
"We had a really nice time," I say, smiling over at Jake who winks back at me while he leans against the bar, making my heart skip.
"Was it romantic?"
"I don't know what it was, Helen. I know it was nice, though. I really like spending time with him and he's not an insufferable as I once thought. I suppose, for me, it felt romantic but it doesn't help that I can't get over my silly crush. I think he was just being a nice friend, though, it's probably not the same for him as it is for me."
"How do you know? Why not make a move and see what happens?" Laura says. "Tonight is the perfect night. We're in a dark nightclub and we can keep James out the way so it's not weird. There will be dancing and drinking. It's the perfect opportunity to stick your tongue down his throat."
"How many drinks have you had?" I ask through a laugh.
"Enough that I've asked Jake to bring you two extremely strong gin cocktails so you can catch up. What do you say? Are you going to make a move?"
"For starters, I've told you several reasons why that's a bad idea and second, if Jake Mills wanted to kiss me, there have been plenty opportunities for him to do so."
"Like the time he went to kiss you and you pulled away?" Laura says with raised eyebrows.
"What?!" Helen says, almost choking on her drink. "When did that happen?"
"A few weeks ago. We had been out with some people from work and he was walking me home."
"He went to kiss you and you. Pulled. Away?" Helen looks horrified.
"Yeah, then she arranged a date with Sam in front of him," Laura says with an eye roll, throwing me further under the bus.
"Okay, okay. In hindsight, that was a bad idea but we're finally over that. Normality has resumed for us."
Helen looks at me like I've grown an extra head. "Jake tried to kiss you and you pulled away? What the hell is wrong with you? I can say this because I am extremely comfortable in my relationship with James and he would likely agree anyway but Jake is smoking hot. I have seen him without a shirt on multiple occasions. All I will say is ‘wow’. You need to get on that."
The guys make their way back to our table and put a stop to our conversation. I know the girls won't let it lie and, as Jake slides his arm around my shoulder so he can speak in my ear above the music, I think for a second. Maybe they're right. All of that still doesn't take away the risks of getting involved with Jake. No matter how brief of a fling it would be, the risks far outweigh the benefits.
"What if we do some fishing first? I'll be sneaky so he won't have a clue what’s going on, I promise," Laura suggests when we go to the loos later that night. The strong cocktails and cheap pints are clearly working because, for some reason, I agree.
I know I shouldn't mix my drinks; it makes me do stupid stuff.
"Maggie, I've had an idea and I want everyone’s opinion," she says when we return to the table, waiting for the headlining band to start. "There’s a new dating app which I want to try for you. You basically advertise your friend for a blind date. I would set u
p the profile and, based on the info I put in, you'll be matched with a date based on the info their friend puts in."
"Laura!" I protest.
She's trying to goad Jake into action, in front of everyone, including my brother.
"Yes!" Harry exclaims. "I'll help with the profile."
"That sounds bloody amazing," James says with a devilish grin. "What do you think, Jake?"
Great, he's in on it, too. My brother is now trying to pimp me out to his best friend: Not embarrassing at all. Helen shrugs apologetically as I meet her eye. I know she can't keep secrets from him.
"You should go for it.”
I stare at Jake and my heart breaks ever so slightly. I knew this was a bad idea. He's confirmed what I was thinking: Our friendship means something different for both of us.
"Do it," I say, turning to face to Laura who is sat opposite me.
Clearly, she wasn't expecting that response as she huffs at Jake and drags me to the bar even though we just came back with full drinks.
"What did I say?" I hear Jake ask as we walk away.
"You're an idiot," Helen says to him, quickly following behind us.
"I told you, Laura. You all need to just back off. Jake doesn't like me so I just need to get over my silly crush and I can't do that if you keep pushing things that don't want to be pushed."
"I'm sorry but I know this isn't what he wants. I was just trying to get him to admit it to you or, at the very least, to himself."
"Let's get started on that app. Don't worry about Jake, we'll find you someone nice to get over him with," Helen says, squeezing my hand.
***
By the time the headline band comes back on later that evening, Laura, Helen and I are suitably wasted. Laura was right; these cocktails are strong.
To take my mind off Jake, we danced for what feels like hours so my legs and feet ache but I never want to stop. There's something about dancing with your friends to good music that's so freeing.
It works: I don't think about Jake once. Instead, I focus on what's right here in front of me in this exact moment.
"You look happy, Maggie," Laura says in my ear as we take a drink break. "It's great to see."
"I'm starting to remember who I was before the accident." I didn't realise how lost I was but, standing here with music thumping around us, the lights dancing around dark the room and my best friend grinning back at me, it dawns on me how much I've missed over the years. All that time I stayed home has been wasted, instead of going out clubbing or the nights I worked late rather than going to concerts with my friends. I couldn’t even face anything more than going to the local pub for a couple of hours a week.
I can see it all clear as day; my reduced anxiety, my less frequent bouts of depression and anger. I feel better physically, too. I don't have an urge to tap my fingers or toes to distract me from my thoughts and feelings. My back doesn't ache from slouching in uncomfortable situations because nothing about my life in the past month has been uncomfortable.
Now, the only time I experience heart palpitations is when Jake looks at me with his intensely-blue eyes and handsome smile.
My heart swells when I look around at our growing circle filled with my friends and family, carefree and happy. Simon and Harry are wrapped in their new lovers’ bubble and Helen is currently on my brothers lap, drunkenly telling him that she loves him (which is, at first, cute but, as soon as she sticks her tongue in his mouth, I want to dry heave).
"I'm glad we're all friends again. They don't need an ego boost so don't tell them I said this but I've missed Jake and James. And I love spending time with Helen,” Laura says, grabbing my attention once more as we take a break by the edge of the dance floor. I feel a pang of guilt when I think of how divided we were until a few weeks ago.
"I've missed them, too. I just wish I knew what happened for everything to fall apart in the first place. Although, I have a strong feeling it might have something to do with me."
"There's no use dwelling on the past, Maggie. It won't change anything. We both know that." I know she's thinking of Philip when she says that as she can't hide the look of pain from her pretty features. I know she misses him just as much as I do. "We better go dance again before we start crying. We can save that for the journey home over a dirty kebab or something," she adds with her beautiful smile shining bright once more.
Jake comes and stands between us, his back leaning on the railing that separates us from the dance floor. Laura begrudgingly leaves us as they stare each other down. She’s apparently still annoyed with him but she finally gives him a smile and skips away to join the others.
I've barely seen him tonight since he spotted some of the guys from his team and had been talking to them. I thought about going over there and saying ‘hi’ but Laura wanted to dance so I took the opportunity to avoid him for a little while.
"You look like you're having fun," he observes, leaning into my ear and sending an involuntary shiver down my spine. I can't help but lean into him as he stands next to me, his fingers aimlessly trailing a pattern down my arm, a gesture so comforting and natural to us. I’m more aware of how his touch makes me feel, now. How I crave (more along the lines of a physical need for closeness) to feel him touch me and hold me.
"Yeah, I am. The band are good. Helen knows the drummer and, apparently, she's single. You should ask her to set you up." Maybe that last part was a bit unnecessary but I wanted to try for myself, to see if I can goad him into action or even just convince myself that things are completely one sided. Moments like this - our closeness - confuse things even more for me.
I don't think about how it would make me feel if I had to watch him hook up with some other girl. Especially someone more in his league than me.
I'm thirty years old and have kissed two men in my entire life. Slept with one. Jake is way more experienced and I imagine he expects more from potential love interests, a lot more than I can offer him. My lack of experience has never bothered me before but, when you look at his track record, it's hard not to feel like a complete loser.
"Is that what you want? You're telling me you want Laura to set you up with some random guy and you want me to hook up with a girl in a band neither of us even know?" he asks, stepping away and creating distance between us. He's on the defence.
"Is that what you want?" I ask, turning his question on him. Of course, I don't want him hooking up with the super attractive, rock star goddess on stage. If I'm being honest with myself, she’s more in his league than I am but there’s no way I'm telling him that.
"Shit. No, Maggs. I don't want that. Why can't you just tell me how you feel? Why do we have to go backwards and forwards like this? It gets us nowhere. If you want me to hook up with the drummer, just say so and I'll hook up with the drummer, if it'll make you feel better." I don't reply so he continues. "Just say the words if that's what you really want."
"What’s that supposed to mean?"
"You know what I mean." He sounds annoyed. "Just tell me what you want. Tell me how you feel."
"I don't know what you want me to say," I shout back at him, confused.
We stand for a moment, fuming as we look at each other, neither of us daring to speak first. What would I even say? That his charm and flirting have finally broken down my walls, that every day I spend with him makes me like him even more? That every day I don't see him, I spend missing him and thinking about him? There's no way I can say that, no matter how many gin cocktails and cheap pints I've had.
"You're killing me, Maggs," he says as he rubs the back of his neck, growls and walks away, leaving me alone in a cloud of confusion.
I stand for a second to try and gather my thoughts which isn't easy when my brain feels like it's stuck in a washing machine. My head is swirling with what we said and the things that are still unspoken. How did we get from harmless flirting to fighting again?
I come up with a million better ways the conversation could have gone, things I should have said, things I wish
he had said.
"Come on," James says as he comes to retrieve me from the spot where I still stand, watching Jake walk away. "He'll cool off."
When we get back to the table, he's nowhere to be seen and Helen tells us he's left. I don’t hear from him again until the show ends.
Jake: I'm sorry, Maggs. x
It's a loaded message with several possible meanings. Sorry for leaving? Sorry for arguing? Sorry for the mixed signals?
I start to type out a reply but think better of it before I press send. I'm drunk, clearly emotionally unstable since the sight of his name on my phone caused tears to form in my eyes. I don't want to cause us more trouble than we're already in.
All I want to do now is go home and curl up in my nice, warm bed and not think about Jake Mills.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The morning after the gig last weekend, Jake brought me a coffee along with the certificate of registration for Philip's star which he'd had framed. Neither one of us mentioned our argument from the previous night. We watched TV together in the living room, ordered in lunch and I cooked our dinner that evening.
All the while, we talked about regular things like how good the band was last night and who we thought H was after we finally caught up with the latest series of ‘Line of Duty’.
What I really wanted to ask him was what he meant last night.
‘Why can't you just tell me how you feel.’
‘Why do we have to go backwards and forwards like this?’
I wanted to tell him what I really thought of our argument, of why I suggested he hook up with the bloody drummer, why I agreed to let Laura set me up on a blind date with a complete stranger when, really, I wanted him.
I didn't tell him any of that.
I wanted to ask what he meant when he apologised by text message.
I didn't ask him that either.
