by Diane Weston
“I have no idea. And I don’t know which one to press to get it to go up.”
“I think it’s this one.” You point to the one that you think makes it go up. She presses it and it goes up.
“Thanks,” she says. “I’m Marlee.”
And the conversation continues.
Conversation #2 - Anchor
You’re waiting for the elevator with someone that you’ve seen around who lives in your building. You say, “This elevator always seems to take so long to get down here.”
“Yeah,” the person comments.
“Unless I’m coming in with an armload of groceries,” you add with a smile. “Then it arrives and leaves again before I get anywhere close.”
The other person laughs and says, “Yeah, it’s slow. I should probably take the stairs but I’m too lazy.”
“Me too,” you say.
The conversation continues from there.
Conversation #3 - Anchor
You’re at a party where you only know the host and he has abandoned you to greet new guests. You decide to approach an attractive guy that you’d like to talk to. He’s at the snacks table and you join him.
“Wow, what a spread,” you say, helping yourself to a plate and starting to choose different things to eat.
“It’s pretty amazing,” he says, giving you a smile. “Lot of fish.”
“There do seem to be far too many fish dishes,” you comment. "Maybe there was a sale on seafood."
He laughs at your little joke and you feel a little burst of confidence. Maybe you can do this small talk thing after all.
In each of the three conversational examples, the person starting the conversation Anchors themselves and the person they’re talking to by commenting on a current, shared experience.
Reveal
The next letter in the ARE acronym is R for Reveal. This part of the method is about revealing a bit about yourself in relation to the Anchor you just used. This is done in order to strengthen the connection between you and the stranger or acquaintance that you’re talking to. When you open up even a tiny bit it’s showing the other person that you want to connect with them.
This is where you can add your opinion (not controversial) about something. Or comment on something in a way that shows a bit of your personality and who you are. And it also gives them something to talk about that will allow you to extend the conversation. You dance a few steps towards the person to see if they’d like to dance a few steps back at you. Let’s look at where the three examples would go next if the person used the Reveal part of the ARE method.
Conversation #1 - Reveal
“Why are there so many levers on that chair? It seems like overkill.”
“I have no idea. And I don’t know which one to press to get it to go up.”
“I think it’s this one.”
“Thanks,” she says. “I’m Marlee.”
“Nice to meet you, Marlee,” you say, extending your hand. “I’m Emma and I teach Grade Four.”
Conversation #2 - Reveal
“This elevator always seems to take so long to get down here.”
“Yeah.”
“Unless I’m coming in with an armload of groceries,” you add with a smile. “Then it arrives and leaves again before I get anywhere close.”
“Yeah, it’s slow. I should probably take the stairs but I’m too lazy.”
“Me too,” you say. “Besides I do enough stairs at work.”
“Oh yeah?” the person says, showing interest. “Where do you work?”
“At the Clark Building on 7 th street,” you say. “Three floors. No elevator. I’m the one running the files up and down between partners on different floors.”
“So, you’re a lawyer?”
You nod. “I’m trying to make partner, which is why I’m the one running the stairs.”
Conversation #3 - Reveal
“Wow, what a spread,” you say, helping yourself to a plate and starting to choose different things to eat.
“It’s pretty amazing,” he says, giving you a smile. “Lot of fish.”
“There do seem to be far too many fish dishes,” you comment. "Maybe there was a sale on seafood."
He laughs and you feel a little more confident, enough to share a little more about yourself.
“Wow, what a spread,” you say, helping yourself to a plate and starting to choose different things to eat.
“It’s pretty amazing,” he says, giving you a smile. “Lot of fish.”
“There do seem to be far too many fish dishes,” you comment wrinkling your nose a little. “I must say, I don’t understand the appeal,”
“You don’t like fish?” he says.
You shake your head.
“Me neither,” he says. “But I am appreciating the fifteen different kinds of cheese.”
“Ah, now that’s a food I can get behind," you say with a smile. "I do love me some cheese.”
In each of the examples, the person went on to share something about themselves and gave the person a comment to respond to in order to continue the conversation.
In Example #1, she shared her name and what she teaches. This is very simple and straightforward. She keeps it light. She’s not baring her soul, just giving some basic information about herself.
The guy in Example #2 makes the comment about doing enough stairs at work which piques the other person’s interest and gets the other person to ask where he works. Then he reveals that he’s a lawyer in the Clark Building and that he’s trying to make partner. This is a fair amount of information but it also explains the stairs comment and that makes it reasonable.
Example #3 has the person giving her opinion on the food, particularly about the fish. She throws the first comment out there lightly and the guy could have ignored it if he actually liked fish. But because he doesn’t like fish either, he latched on to it as a shared experience that they can then talk about. They then both share that they do like cheese, which opens up a new area of discussion.
All of these conversations begin with the Anchor — their shared experience of the present moment. And then continue on because the conversationalist shared something about themselves. Nothing too crazy, just a tiny opening. If the person you are speaking to wants to continue talking, they will take the opening. If the other person ignores the little opening then that probably means they don’t want to talk to you and you should move on. But for the right person who does want to talk to you, that opening is their first glimmer of the person that you are and if they find it interesting, then they will gladly continue talking in order to find out more about you.
Encourage
The last letter in the acronym is E for Encourage. This part is all about following up on the tenuous connection you’ve established. But it’s also about allowing them a chance to dance a few steps themselves. So far, since you initiated the conversation, you’ve been doing most of the heavy lifting. At this point, you need to give them a chance to talk, to respond, to share their thoughts.
If they don’t seem to be making any attempt to continue, then based on that and their non-verbal cues, you’ll probably take that as a sign that they don’t want to talk to you and end the conversation. But if they do answer in a way that continues what you’re talking about and their body language communicates that they are interested in you, then you know that you’ve found someone to talk with for the next few minutes and a connection has been successfully made.
Conversation #1 - Encourage
“Why are there so many levers on that chair? It seems like overkill.”
“I have no idea. And I don’t know which one to press to get it to go up.”
“I think it’s this one.”
“Thanks,” she says. “I’m Marlee.”
“Nice to meet you, Marlee,” you say, extending your hand. “I’m Emma and I teach Grade Four.”
“I teach Grade Four too,” she says. “What school do you teach at?”
“Riverside.�
�
“Oh really? I worked there my first year of teaching.”
Conversational goal accomplished — meet other teachers so that I don’t feel awkward and uncomfortable in this setting where I don’t know anyone.
Conversation #2 - Encourage
“This elevator always seems to take so long to get down here.”
“Yeah.”
“Unless I’m coming in with an armload of groceries,” you add with a smile. “Then it arrives and leaves again before I get anywhere close.”
“Yeah, it’s slow. I should probably take the stairs but I’m too lazy.”
“Me too,” you say. “Besides I do enough stairs at work.”
“Oh yeah?” the person says, showing interest. “Where do you work?”
“At the Clark Building on 7 th street,” you say. “Three floors. No elevator. I’m the one running the files up and down between partners on different floors.”
“So, you’re a lawyer?”
You nod. “I’m trying to make partner, which is why I’m the one running the stairs.”
The elevator opens and you both get in.
“So, what do you do for a living?” you ask, since the conversation has begun to center on you and you know that people don’t enjoy conversations with a speaker who talks only about themselves.
“I’m a personal trainer,” the person says.
You smile.
“Well, I guess you get enough exercise at work, too, then.”
The person laughs and gets off at their floor.
“See you around,” you say.
“Yeah, see you.”
Conversational goal accomplished — make interesting conversation with a stranger while waiting for and riding on the elevator so that I don’t feel uncomfortable with the silence.
Conversation #3 - Encourage
“Wow, what a spread,” you say, helping yourself to a plate and starting to choose different things to eat.
“It’s pretty amazing,” he says, giving you a smile. “Lot of fish.”
“There do seem to be far too many fish dishes,” you comment wrinkling your nose a little. “I must say, I don’t understand the appeal.”
“You don’t like fish?” he says.
You shake your head.
“Me neither,” he says. “But I am appreciating the fifteen different kinds of cheese.”
“Ah, now that’s a food I can get behind. I do love me some cheese. What’s your favorite?”
“Definitely Brie, but I really enjoy Monterey Jack on grilled cheese.”
“That sounds amazing.”
“Yeah?” he says, his eyes lighting up. “Maybe I could make it for you sometime.”
“That would be great,” you say.
Conversational goal accomplished — meet a cute, interesting new guy at the party and see where it takes us.
In each example, the ARE method allowed the person to easily and naturally make conversation with someone they didn’t know. The ARE method allows you to ease into speaking with someone in a way that doesn’t make the other person feel like you’re making uncomfortable small talk. It is a method that uses the way that real small talk masters make conversation, but breaks it down in a way that’s easy to remember and gives us lay people a chance to develop the same small talk abilities.
The most valuable thing about it is that it seems to allow the conversation to flow in a natural way and doesn’t seem as though you are using lines or doing anything fake to start speaking with someone.
Practice the ARE method as you make small talk in the next few days and see how it will help you to have easy conversations with people you don’t know or that you only know slightly.
The FORD small talk method
This chapter begins with a caveat. Though the ARE method is very useful for beginning conversations, the FORD method is more appropriate once you are further into the conversation. If you open with the FORD method, you will probably come across as nosy or too abrupt and inept socially.
The FORD acronym stands for Family, Occupation, Recreation, and Dreams. And, as you might imagine, these are not exactly starting a conversation material. These topics can be full of landmines and can cause the conversation to blow up in your face.
What if you ask about the person’s family and they are recently divorced and lost their children, or their mother just died, or they’re an orphan. You simply cannot just dive into these topics. Instead, start with the ARE method. Get the conversation going. Then use conversational cues that invite you to use the FORD method to talk to the person about things that they have an interest in.
Although extremely obvious, the FORD method is also highly effective for the main reason that this is how you ask people about themselves, as we mentioned in the earlier sections. This is how you know what to ask about. The FORD method comprises all the best small talk questions wrapped up in one neat four letter package. This is what will make you a likable small talk master.
In this section, we will discuss each letter individually and give examples of questions you can ask about each category.
Family
I’m sure the FORD method starts with the F for family because everyone has one and this makes it a universally shared experience. Now, as mentioned above, you could end up asking someone about their family and be meeting an orphan or someone who’s lost family and for whom the topic is painful, but there’s a very small chance that that will happen.
And though it’s unlikely that talking about family will not work out, there is a possibility, and so it’s important that you should use conversational cues to determine when it’s appropriate to ask someone about their family. If they give you a short answer and show by their body language that it’s not a subject they’re comfortable with, then you should move on to another topic. In general, though, you don’t have to worry too much. Most people will be happy to talk about their family, making it a really good topic to move into once the conversation is started.
Occupation
This is another good one to use once you’re into a conversation. Most people have jobs, so it is a great subject to use to continue a small talk conversation that you have started. There are usually many things you can ask each other about your respective occupations.
If you have similar or the same careers, then you can get into the details. And if you have a different career than another person, then usually there’s plenty of things you can ask them about it that you don’t know. Sometimes you have partial knowledge about that occupation because someone you know has that job, so then you can ask them comparative questions based on what you know about the job and whether theirs is like or unlike that of the person that you know.
For instance, if you have a brother who’s a chef you can ask questions based on what he’s told you that his job is like. You can ask the chef in front of you whether their experience has been that it’s a very stressful job with long hours and not the best pay. You can ask whether they like the sous-chefs that they work with. And if the waiting staff they have to work with drive them crazy or if they’re competent and capable.
Recreation
This part of the acronym is meant to remind you to ask people about what they do when they’re not at work. You can ask if they have a hobby or what they like to do in their free time. Once they tell you, there is usually a myriad of questions you can ask or comments you can make. Again, either you can get into the nuts and bolts if you have that pastime in common, or you can ask questions to learn about their hobby. Either way, conversational opportunities abound.
Dreams
Now, this one you have to be careful with because it can feel a little like prying, or seem weird if you don’t use it properly. You for sure wouldn’t open with Dreams.
“Hi, my name is Michaela and someday I’d like to be an astronaut. What is the dream that’s dearest to your heart?”
Uh, yeah, no. That is not what a small talk master does.
Definitely not.
/> A person who is adept at small talk starts with ARE, with a shared experience, and then moves into FORD — asking about things that are more important to the person. Then, and only if the person seems open to it, you can talk about something like Dreams.
You also don’t have to call it a dream, which seems a bit strange for a normal conversation you’re having with an almost stranger. Instead, you could ask about their future plans or something that they’ve always wanted to do without seeming like a weirdo.
Honestly, this one really should be used for deepening the conversation once you have established a rapport and a connection with someone, which will be discussed in more detail in the Keep It Going chapter. When you’re meeting someone for the first time, you definitely don’t want to come off as someone who shares too much information or asks questions that are prying in the first few minutes of the conversation. Those people are the ones standing alone at parties for good reason. You don’t want to be one of them. You are a small talk master. And you have excellent social skills. And you know how to ease into a conversation — you’ll get to discussing their hopes and dreams later. Much later.
Other acronyms
There are some other versions that use From for the F. And Motivation or Message for the M. We will discuss these briefly because they could be useful additions to your conversational toolbox.
