I shiver as I hear the nickname he gave me on his lips. He’d joked once that even though he’d sinned a lot, I was his favorite. Then he’d written it on one of the first flowers he’d sent me, and the way he spelled it, had warmed my heart too. Why the spelling of a name got to me, I’ll never know. Maybe it’s because it was specific to the way my parents spelled mine.
“Good.” I do my best not to meet his chocolate brown eyes. Those things – I could get lost in, and then we’d be fucked for this meeting.
He breaks our gaze, reaching over to grab the seasoned salt on the tables here. He shakes it generously over my plate, knowing intimate details of my preferences. Then he grabs the bottle of ketchup, putting a dollop on the side of my plate. I’m a dipper, and he damn well knows it.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“My pleasure.”
The way he says those words is a tease in and of itself. We knew so much pleasure together, more pleasure than I’ve ever known with anyone else. His fingers and tongue could pull sounds from me like no other. I miss it, miss the way he’d hold me tight to him as he plunged into my body, miss the way he kissed my forehead when we were done. Pulling my notebook closer to me, I clear my throat.
“So about that brainstorming?”
There’s a lull in our conversation as our gazes go separate ways, and we both take a bite of our respective food. The way he eats is even a turn on; most men go right for it, shoving food in their mouth. Not Tucker. He takes polite bites, chews until he’s done, then swallows, licking his lips to get the remaining crumbs off them, before he speaks.
“Nick seemed to think D would have some good ideas, I definitely think we should get him involved.”
“Me too.” I’m excited to work with the youth of the community. I missed out on a lot of this growing up the way I did.
“What about a car wash? A bake sale? We could all get together and have sign ups. We could take different shifts. People could pay to have their pictures taken with Rambo.”
“Oh that’s a good idea,” he laughs. “People love Rambo.”
“You guys could pose for a calendar.” I give him a sly grin. “I’m sure we’d make a ton of money that way.”
“You saying I’m hot?”
I roll my eyes as I take another bite of my fries. “You know you’re hot, you don’t need me to tell you that. All of you are hot. What do you think?”
He rubs his beard. “Let me talk to the guys about it. Their wives might have something to say.”
“Then you could do a bachelor calendar with the members of the LSERT,” I suggest.
His gaze is serious as it meets mine. “You and I both know I’m not a bachelor.”
My heart pounds. “Aren’t you? Isn’t that what you said you’re going to be the rest of your life?”
There’s a ticking in his jaw and I know I’ve hit a nerve. Something forces me to keep going, even though I know it’s not in our best interests.
“Things change, Karsyn.” His teeth grind together. “Sometimes you don’t know yourself as well as you thought you did.”
I can’t help it. Fuck it still hurts the way he threw my feelings away. “Or maybe you’re just confusing lust and fucking with a real relationship. I mean, you wouldn’t be the first, would you, Tuck?”
He’s pissed now, I can see it in the way he’s holding his body tight, the way his eyes are darting around the room, looking anywhere but at me. “No, I wouldn’t, and I’m sorry about that.”
“Mmm hmmm.” My tone is dismissive.
“When are you going to believe me?” he whispers, reaching for my hand. “What do I have to do to get you to give me another chance?”
For so long I thought declarations of love would be the way to get to my heart, but he’s made those in the flowers he sends every week. What he doesn’t get is I’m a lover of the little things, and maybe it’s time I tell him.
“You want to know what I’m looking for, Tuck?”
“Please.” The word is ripped from his throat, hoarse and emotive, a dying man begging for a drink of water.
“The shit that matters. I love the flowers every week, but the one flower? It means more, and you know why. Stopping by because you can’t stand not to see me, notes on my car, a just thinking of you text, being there for me when I have a bad day.” I furiously wipe away tears, pissed that they’re falling and really irritated that my voice is choked when the next words press against my lips. “And making me feel safe,” I sob uncontrollably, with the effort of trying to keep it together. “Because you.” I point to him. “You know I never feel safe. But with you.” I push again at the moisture under my eyes. “I always, always felt safe.”
“Syn.” His voice is tight now as he reaches for my hand.
I can’t do it though, I’ve laid too much on the line here tonight, I’ve opened myself up too wide to sit here a minute longer. Even though Major is noticing my distress and is pawing at my feet. “Not right now.” I gather up my stuff, scooting out of the booth. “Please, let me leave here with some dignity.”
He nods, his own eyes showing moisture behind the lids. Maybe I’m not the only one heartbroken here. “I’ll make sure you get home safe.”
“You always do,” I whisper, because I know he follows me. “You always do.”
Chapter Five
Tucker
I don’t do well with days off, not anymore. They used to be filled doing mundane shit with Karsyn – her teaching me how to bake a cake, going with her to pick out a dress for a work event she had to attend, helping her wash her car. Back then I didn’t realize how much I looked forward to the mundane shit. I believe I even grumbled a time or two. Funny how you don’t miss what you had until it’s gone.
Today I would love to bake a cake with her, help her wash her car, just have her here. The loneliness is the worst. Some days it eats at me, other days I don’t mind it much. Today, it threatens to drive me out of my fucking mind.
Major lays on the couch with me, his head resting on my thigh. He looks up at me, a little whine escaping. He misses her too, the hole her being gone has left in our lives is big. I’m not sure I can take my company anymore, and I’m almost sure he’s sick of me too.
“I know, we need to go and do something.”
Even in the middle of my pity party, I know it’s not helping anyone, especially me. I’ve laid around too long and thought life would fix itself without me doing much to change it. Today I realize I have to change it, and I have to do something to make that change happen. No more sitting around hoping for a difference. Starting today I’m going to work for it.
“Let’s go.” I tap my thigh.
I have an idea, but I don’t know how well it’ll be received. I’m thinking about what Karsyn said when we saw each other last. We hop in my truck and I head to town, to a store I’ve never been to.
XOXO opened not long ago. I heard about it from Ransom. Apparently Leigh has a thing for pens, and this place has the biggest selection in Alabama, at least that’s what he said. Ransom tends to exaggerate, but who am I to say until I go in? I park in the nearest spot, checking to make sure it’s open. “You wanna come or stay?” I ask Major.
He hops over me, out of the truck before I am. “Guess I know what that means,” I laugh, shaking my head.
Together, the two of us enter as quietly as we can. But Major isn’t great about being quiet; his tags jingly loudly, along with a bell over the door. It announces our presence so loudly we could be standing before a king.
“Be there in a second,” a voice yells from the back.
“Take your time.”
Getting my first good look at the place, I’m overwhelmed. Paper, pens, all things cutesy are everywhere. Pink, purple, that rosy gold color that Karsyn loves - it all looks like it threw up in here, along with a container of glitter. Good Lord, I’ve stumbled into my version of hell, and Karsyn’s version of heaven.
“You look scared,” a woman just a little taller than
my collarbone laughs as she sees my face. “And so does he.”
Looking down, I see Major on the ground, his paws over his eyes. We’re horrified.
“We’re not used to so much femininity.” I do my best to defend our positions.
She giggles, not offended at all. “What can I help you with?”
I rub at the beard on my face, a gesture I’ve picked up recently. It’s a nervous tell, one I’m gonna have to get rid of. “There’s this woman,” I start.
“Isn’t there always?”
“Oh my God, yes,” I chuckle. “But anyway, there’s this woman I’m trying to get on the good side of. She’s a planner.”
“She make her own, or does she buy premade?” She interrupts, her gaze already darting back and forth between the front and back of her store.
“She makes her own. The amount of pens and paper she has is amazing. She has these little tapes too; they are different, but she always bitched about not being able to get her lines straight.” Telling her this makes me remember back to the nights we sat together. It was my favorite time. I’d be working on plans to train the next week, and she’d be making her to-do lists for what she wanted to accomplish. I miss those moments, more than I should be allowed to.
“I have the perfect thing for you.” She immediately starts walking to the back. “We got this new set of rulers and measuring tools earlier this week. I’ve tried them out, and they are the best,” she says as she puts them in my hands.
“If you say so, I will believe you.”
“What else does she like?”
“Pens. Outline pens, felt tip, double-sided. Anything like that, but do you have something new? Chances are she’s already got it if it’s older.”
She smiles brightly. “I have some in the back, actually. These are brand-new. They make their own outline. They’re awesome.”
“I’ll take them.”
“Perfect.” She goes to the back, getting what she’s described to me.
Major looks at me, his gaze just on this side of disapproving. “We want Karsyn back, don’t we?” I grumble at him. He makes a noise, and I know he understands what I’m saying.
When she brings everything up, she looks at me, questions in her eyes. “I heard you say the name Karsyn to your dog. Is it the Karsyn that works at Dr. Patterson’s?”
“That’s her.”
“She comes in a lot, she’s actually been asking about these pens.” She grins. “I’ve been expecting them for a few weeks. They were on backorder.”
“Is there anything else she eyes when she comes in here, ya know that she won’t buy herself?”
This woman is an asset, and I would be stupid not to use her as such.
“That tote over there.” She points to a tote that reads Totes y’all. “It’s from an actresses’ line, and it’s expensive.”
With the information she’s given me, I walk over, don’t even look at the price tag, and throw it on the counter. “I’ll take it too.”
“Do you want me to make this pretty for you? Like a gift?” She raises an eyebrow. “I get the feeling this is definitely a gift.”
“Work your magic.”
The price I pay for everything is in the three figures, but I don’t even care. I would give all my time, spend all my money to have Karsyn back again. Whatever it takes to prove to her that I do pay attention, I do love her, and I do want her in my life.
When I leave the store thirty minutes later, I’m holding the bag with all the goodies in it. “Okay, let’s go get our other part of the gift.” I open the door, putting the bag in the truck. Major looks like he wants to jump up. “Leave it.” I tell him sternly, letting him know I want him to stay beside me.
“Okay.” I tap my thigh when I close the door. Together we head for the bakery. When I walk in, my stomach growls, reminding me I haven’t eaten today.
“What ya gonna get today, Officer?”
I peruse what’s in the case. I can never remember the girl behind the counter’s name, but she always gives us discounts and she’s pleasant to speak with. “How about one of those pimento cheese sandwiches to go, and can I get two of the red velvet cupcakes in a to-go container?”
“Sure, you want something for Major too?” She eyes him, making kissy faces at him. They like each other a lot.
“I guess so.” I roll my eyes in a good-natured way.
“Come on,” she tells him with excitement in her voice. He immediately goes behind the counter, and she gives him a treat she keeps back there for the K-9’s. They love this place almost as much as we do.
He gives her licks on the face, before he sits down patiently and waits for her to give him his treat.
“He’s nicer for you than he is for me,” I grumble.
“Because I don’t make him work for it,” she giggles. “Just a sec and I’ll have your stuff ready for you.”
In my mind, I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to play this. I don’t think I want to take it inside to her office. I’d much prefer to put it in her car and let her find it. No matter how many times I told her to, she’s never locked her doors and I have no doubt that’s not changed.
When our order is done, we pay and then head back to the truck. Major sits on the floor, chewing on his treat, and I grip my shaking hands on the steering wheel. I literally have stared down guns and not been this nervous before. There’s a part of me that wants to explore why that is. There’s another part that tells me to shut up and just deal.
Her car is parked off to the side at Dr. Patterson’s office, no one parked beside it. I pull in, going to her passenger side door, and sure enough it’s unlocked. Quickly I put everything in I’ve purchased, pull out a clean piece of paper, and write a quick note. It’s not a declaration of everything she means to me, but hopefully it lets her know I’m taking this seriously.
Almost as quick as we pulled in, we’re gone, and I’m waiting with butterflies in my stomach for her to find my offering. I just hope she loves it as much as I love her.
Chapter Six
Karsyn
It’s been a long day, and I can’t help but be glad we’re finally heading home. “See ya tomorrow.” I wave to Kels. “Give those boys of yours a hug for me!”
She grins saucily. “I’m giving the oldest one a huge hug.”
I roll my eyes, a smirk on my face as I look at her. I’m happy she’s happy, but at the same time I’m slightly envious. “You know I mean the children.”
“Totes my bad.” She gets into her SUV, waving back at me.
Opening my car, I gratefully sink into the driver’s seat, glad to be off my feet. When I go to throw my lunchbox and purse into the passenger seat, I see something sitting there. My heart pounds up in my throat as I see a tote bag from XOXO I’ve been eyeing for months there, along with the signature packaging of the owner, Tori. I’ve been spending enough time in there lately I would notice it anywhere.
My hand shakes as I reach for the card attached to the tote bag. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but it’s almost like telling a man dying of thirst not to walk to water. When I set it in front of me, on my steering wheel, I spy the manly scrawl I see at least once a week. But for some reason, the simple Syn, on this envelope brings tears to my eyes.
Syn,
I thought about what you said. A lot, and I think I realize what you’re saying. I didn’t return your declaration back then not because I didn’t love you. I do love you, Karsyn. I love you so much I’ve been afraid to make myself vulnerable for you.
I know this sounds like a goddamn cliché. It’s not you, it’s me.
You have to understand the household I grew up in. Before I went into the military, I was a military kid. Nineteen moves over my childhood. I was always the new kid in town, and it was easier for me not to make friends and get hurt when I had to leave than to cry as our car pulled away leaving the people who I spent all my time with.
Dad was a hard military guy, and before he had his heart attack two years
ago, he never told my mom he loved her in my presence.
I can learn, like Rambo and Major. I can learn, but babe, I need you to teach me. It was the biggest mistake of my life, to let you leave. Please, let me fix that mistake. Let me correct it.
We could be happy together - I believe that with all of my heart.
If you need more time, I understand. I can’t undo the damage I’ve done with one tote bag, which I don’t really get the significance of, or a few pens you like.
What I can do is wait, and Syn, I’ll be here.
Doesn’t matter when or where, I’ll be here. Ready, when you’re willing.
I love you.
Not so hard to write down on a piece of paper, but I swear to you, I’ll get the words out in person if you let me.
I love you.
P.S. – Lock your damn door!
Tucker
Tears stream down my face, making it hard to read the lines after the first I love you. Who is this man? This isn’t the Tucker I had a relationship with last year. If he had been open like this before, I wouldn’t have left. I’d have refused to drive away, and I would have known we had something to fight for.
Going through the tote bag, I see the pens I’ve been waiting weeks on, the cupcakes I like from the bakery, and a couple of other things that are my favorites. All those times when I talked and I felt like he wasn’t listening – he was.
I realize that part is my fault. I discounted the way he showed me he loved me. He always wanted me to text him when I got home. He’d growl about parking under a light at night, be super pissed that I don’t lock my car doors at work, and he’d all the time wanted to take me to the gun range.
But me? I have secrets too. A big one I didn’t want to share back then, and I think maybe it’s time I come clean with him the same way he’s come clean with me. Mine is bigger than his, and I know it needs to happen in person. I also know I’m not in the correct frame of mind just yet to tell him. I’ve never told anyone about what happened to me. Only my parents and the people of the town I grew up in know. When I came to Laurel Springs, I pushed all that behind me. It’s only fair, if I want him to be completely honest with me, that I be completely honest with him.
Enigma Page 3
