Her head moved back. Suddenly, she was pushing against his chest and standing. His gut tightened when he saw how cold her expression was when she turned to face him.
“Isn’t it strange, then? That when I mentioned I was considering finding a location for the facility in the Columbia area, you suddenly looked like you’d come face to face with your jailer? You were looking at me like I was trying to trap you, Z.”
He winced. Here it was, the moment he had to confront his own weakness, and the fact that he’d hurt her by his stunned reaction.
“I know. I mean…I didn’t think of it that way, in the moment. I just realized later that you might have jumped to that conclusion. When I realized you probably suspected that I felt crowded by you making that announcement, I tried to contact you to tell you that wasn’t what I thinking. But you refused to speak to me, so—”
“Instead, you decided to come here, ignore me, and then act like a rude jerk to my mother and Stephen, all because they were doing exactly what we’ve been doing, and having an affair in secret?”
He blinked at her harsh, succinct recitation of the truth. It didn’t sound good, coming out of Ursa’s mouth.
In fact, it sounded like shit. He sounded like shit.
Abruptly, he didn’t know what to say. He felt empty. He didn’t want to hurt Ursa. But he was, and he couldn’t seem to stop it.
He shut his eyes and cursed softly under his breath.
“What? What are you thinking, Z?” Ursa demanded.
“I’m thinking I’m doing exactly what I said I’d do,” he said thickly after a pause. “That I’d disappoint you, eventually. Hurt you, if we got involved.”
“I’m sorry if I don’t have the energy to feel sorry for you at the moment.”
His eyelids snapped open at her sarcastic tone. “I wasn’t asking you to feel sorry for me.”
“It sure sounded like you were,” she told him bitterly. “It sounds like you’re coming up with another excuse as to why you can’t be with me in any total, honest sense of the word. At first, it’s because you’re not good enough for me. Hell, you even decided you were bad for me. That I might come to bodily harm by being associated with you.”
“If you’re talking about that whole thing with Emory Martin and the Psychles, I was kind of right about—”
“Then, you act like I’m trying to trap you when I mentioned that I was thinking—just thinking, Z. I hadn’t decided yet—that I wanted to talk to you about moving to Columbia, so that we could be closer to each other.”
He sailed up from the bed, towering over her. “I told you, that wasn’t what I was thinking. I was just shocked that you’d been planning this all without talking to me. I had no clue, no hint from you, Ursa, that you were considering starting this major project and life change, let alone that you were thinking about moving to Columbia. You haven’t said a word to me. Not a word. That doesn’t mean I don’t want it, Ursa. You were the one who jumped to the conclusion that I felt trapped.”
She scoffed at him, clearly not believing a word he was saying, even though he was being completely honest. It sent his fury up yet another notch.
“Spare me. The truth was written all over your face,” she said in a discounting way, as though what he’d said didn’t even bear commenting on further. “Then you came over here, and splashed all your nasty insecurities about your father, and Stephen, and not being good enough for the Esterbrooks, all over our family room, insinuating that my mother only considered Stephen as a partner because he might get an inheritance from Grandpa Joe. How dare you, Z,” she seethed, her anger so blistering, she actually cowed him into momentary silence.
“It’s not my mom whom you suspect would only be interested in a Beckett if he had a fortune behind him. It’s you who think that of me,” she hissed.
He went utterly still, stinging from the lash of her words.
“That’s not true,” he finally said grimly. “I was wrong to say what I said to your mom. There’s a long history involved in how I thought of your family compared to Jude and me. You all had everything. Money. A loving family. A strong, dependable father. So yeah, there are some old insecurities. But I’m trying to deal with them. What I said to your mom was wrong. I apologized to her.”
“I know you did,” Ursa said, swiping impatiently at a tear on her cheek. She faced him, her face pale and her teeth showing.
“Here’s the thing, Z. I’m in love with you.”
The silence crowded around him. He heard her declaration repeat over and over in his head like an echo chamber.
“And I need something more than someone who is constantly second-guessing whether or not he should be with me. I need you to know you should be,” she bit out furiously. “I need to know that you’ll be there for me. I want to know that you won’t go into panic mode because I need you.”
She pointed at him with a stabbing gesture. He stood there, speechless. Stunned. Tears were spilling down her face freely now, but he’d never seen so much strength in a woman. He’d never seen anything like her at that moment. She was beautiful. She burned in his eyes, but he couldn’t look away from the flame.
She broke their stare, laughing unevenly.
“So that’s how I feel,” she told him shakily. She wiped at her cheeks rubbed her fingertips across her stomach, as if to dry her tears. Then she cupped her belly in a quick, nervous gesture. “Anyway, I’m going down to help mom with dinner,” she said, sounding distracted…suddenly a million miles away from him. “I guess Stephen’s coming over in a while. You made your way up here, so I assume you can find your way out.”
He stood there, frozen to the spot and watched her walk out of the room, her head held high.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Z returned to Columbia early the next morning. All along, he’d planned on returning home and checking on things at work for at least one night, between the evening of the revelation of the big secret and Christmas. Originally, he’d hoped to convince Ursa to go with him for the trip. But that was before everything had exploded.
He wasn’t giving up on his family, and he certainly wasn’t giving up on Ursa. But after he’d left the Esterbrook house following that startling meeting with Ursa in her room, he realized some perspective might do him some good. So many images and vivid memories kept swimming around in his head, he felt like he was going crazy: Ilsa Esterbrook beaming as she announced Stephen and her were getting married on Christmas; Grandpa Joe’s palpable sorrow as he talked about being abandoned by his eldest son…his joy and hope when he looked at Stephen…
Ursa telling him she needed him to be there for her.
Ursa defiantly announcing she was in love with him, and then walking away.
The night before Christmas Eve, Z left his office and was immediately greeted by the raucous sounds of the Vagabonds playing in the Moto Café. The house was packed tonight. Not only were the Vagabonds a huge local favorite, it was the holiday season, and people were out tonight, celebrating with friends and family and letting off a little steam.
Erica was tending bar tonight. She caught his stare from across the heads of dozens of people and gave a little wave of her head. He recognized it as a subtle warning gesture. Z paused in his progress across the room when he saw the tall man with dark hair. His back was to the bar as leaned against it, and he was staring directly at Z.
He approached Mat DaRosa and wedged his body between his old friend and another patron at the bar. Neither of them spoke as he waved to Erica, and she brought him a Diet Pepsi.
“So. This is what you’ve been doing over here in California,” Mat said once Erica had walked away.
“Yep,” Z said gruffly, glancing around the packed bar and restaurant. He wasn’t sure how he felt about the fact that Mat knew his secret. True, Mat was part of the Bear Clan, but he was also a friend. There was a good chance he wouldn’t blab to family
if Z asked him not to. Besides, maybe it wasn’t a bad thing, even if Mat did talk. The truth was destined to come out sometime soon, anyway. “The café, and some other things,” Z added after a pause.
“Like running a high tech custom bike shop and getting some big-name commissions?”
“Who’ve you been talking to?” Z asked, scowling.
“A couple of your fans,” Mat said, nodding behind them. Z glanced around and saw Jim Barker, an assistant editor for Motorcyclist magazine, and some of his friends at a booth in the distance. “Apparently, Z Beckett has become a legend in the custom bike arena, and his family and friends were the last to know.”
Z rolled his eyes. “What are you doing here, Mat?”
“Everyone’s worried that you won’t show up for the wedding.”
“Why would everyone think that?”
Mat shrugged and took a sip of his beer. Z had played high school football with Mat. Mat had made All-State his junior and senior years and won football scholarships to a couple top schools. He’d also earned an academic scholarship to Berkley. Z had played uncountable poker games with Mat. Mat wasn’t only an exceptional athlete, he was as smart and cool as they came. He possessed a hell of a poker face, which Z recognized he was wearing right now, in spades.
“Jude might have mentioned that you and Stephen fought a few nights ago,” Mat said.
“Well, Jude was wrong,” Z said irritably.
“So, you and Stephen didn’t fight? That’s not why you left?”
“We might have had a few words, but no. I left because I have a business to run.”
“So you’ll be back for the wedding, then?”
“Who died and made you Family Keeper, DaRosa?”
“Somebody’s got to do it,” Mat replied levelly.
Z opened his mouth to retort when he caught a face in the crowd out of the corner of his eye. “Fuck me. What…is everyone going to come here to gang up on me?”
“Huh?” Mat turned around.
The crowd seemed to magically melt around a gorgeous, regal-looking Sadie Esterbrook as she made her way toward them.
“Fuck me,” Z thought he heard Mat mumble under his breath.
Over three hours later, the band had packed up and left, and the café was nearly empty of customers. Feeling tired after a night of unexpected visits from family and friends, Z went up to the bar and asked Erica for another Diet Pepsi.
“Quite a night, huh?” Erica asked him as she set his glass in front of him.
He growled in agreement.
“So…that was your family?”
He exhaled. “Jude was the only blood relative. Mat’s a friend. And Esme and Sadie are—”
“Ursa’s sisters,” Erica finished with a knowing glance.
“Did one of them tell you?”
“Sadie did, earlier. I probably would have eventually put it together that the three of them were sisters, even if Sadie hadn’t told me. Strong family resemblance, isn’t there? I can’t wait to tell Janine I met Sadie Esterbrook. We both love her movies. Janine’s going to be so jealous. Anyway, Sadie and I chatted a little after Esme stormed out of here with…what was his name? Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome? Oh, but I guess that descriptor would apply to your brother, as well,” Erica said thoughtfully, grinning a little.
It’d clearly amused Erica to witness not only Mat and Sadie show up to “save” Z tonight, but later on that evening, Jude and Esme, as well. Erica had been fascinated and entertained by all the theatrics that followed.
Mat, Sadie, Jude, and Esme’s appearance in his carefully guarded private world had annoyed Z, at first. In fact, it still irritated him, a little. He had enough to worry about, as things stood. But for the most part, he knew they’d all trooped down to Columbia because they cared about him. And, he supposed it was a relief that they were in on the secret. About his businesses, anyway.
“Mat’s the one that took Esme home,” Z clarified.
“Even though Esme came here with your brother?”
“Yeah,” he said wearily. “Some kind of drama took place. Esme got pissed at Jude, and asked Mat to take her home.”
“You make it sound like that happens a lot.
Z shrugged. “Jude and Es fighting? It does happen a lot. Or it used to. Esme and Jude were always best friends growing up, but their fights could be epic.”
“Kind of ironic, isn’t it?”
Z blinked. “What do you mean?”
“That they all came here to find you, because they thought you were in some kind of trouble. Instead, they see that you’re doing just fine and dandy, and then drama breaks out between the four of them? Esme and Sadie were both in tears, and Jude and Mat both looked like they’d been clocked one.”
Z couldn’t help but laugh, once he considered the idea.
“I guess you’re right. I still have no idea what got into them all, except to say things have been kind of crazy lately at home. Everyone recently got some—I wouldn’t say bad news, necessarily, just weird. Unexpected. They’re used to thinking of me as the black sheep of the family. I guess coming here to save me gave them something else to think about besides their own stress.”
“So they all came here to check on you, but they should have been checking their own backyards for trouble?”
Z shrugged. “Old habits die hard, I guess. It’s easy to focus on the obvious screw-up in the family. It was all a waste of time on their part, anyway.”
“Yeah. You’re hardly a screw-up.”
“No, I just meant that I planned on going back to Tahoe Shores for the wedding all along. They didn’t need to come here to convince me.”
“You mean the wedding between your grandpa’s caregiver and Ursa’s mother?”
Z nodded. Erica really was easy to talk to. He hadn’t realized he’d revealed so much of his family drama on her in the past few days.
Erica bent to retrieve something on a shelf under the bar. She placed a white plastic boutique bag on the bar in front of him.
“Seeing Esme and Sadie tonight must have made you miss Ursa a lot,” she said.
“It did,” he said honestly, his gaze stuck on the bag. He glanced at Erica in surprise. “Is that—”
Erica nodded, smiling. Here was the reason he’d been spending more time with Erica than usual, and spilling his guts in an uncommon way. Erica and her partner, Janine, had been assisting him with an emergency special project.
He grabbed the bag and pulled out the black box inside of it. “I thought Janine said she’d have to ship it directly to Tahoe Shores.” Janine Simeon owned a jewelry store and art boutique in downtown Columbia.
“Change of plans. Her jewelry store has a sister store in Sacramento, and it just so happened they had the exact ring you wanted. Janine had to be in Sacramento on business this morning, so she canceled the mail order and picked this—” Z popped open the ring box. “Up for you, in person. She dropped it off a few minutes ago.”
Z stared at the large diamond bracketed by two smaller, very clear, fine peridots.
“It’s stunning,” Erica said softly. “I’ve never seen stones like those.”
“They match her eyes,” Z said gruffly.
“They do. Ursa is going to love it.”
Slowly, he shut the box. “I wish I could be a hundred percent sure about that.”
“Any woman would be crazy not to adore that ring.”
Z cleared his throat and shoved the ring box into his jean pocket. “It’s not the ring I’m worried about.”
Erica scoffed. “Seriously? You’re worried about whether Ursa will say ‘yes’ or not when you ask her to marry you? My God, man. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. She’s head over heels.”
“She loves me, yeah. And God knows, I love her,” Z said, thinking about how strange—and amazing—those words sounded comin
g out of his mouth. He’d never said them out loud until now. “I’m not so sure she realizes how I feel about her, though. Or if a ring is enough to convince her that I’ll be there for her,” he added under his breath. “No matter what.”
Erica smiled. “You’re right. A ring can’t do all that. Only you can convince her. Don’t worry. I have no doubt you’re up to the challenge.”
Z just nodded once in thanks for her confidence. He was nervous as hell, but he was ready to try and convince Ursa. Only God and Ursa herself really knew if he was worthy.
If Ursa thought he was, then he was. And that, he’d come to realize in the past few days, was all there was to it.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Ursa stared at herself in the full-length mirror, examining her image nervously. Z had returned to Tahoe Shores. He’d texted her late this morning, saying that he would see her tonight for Christmas Eve, and there was something very important he wanted to discuss with her tonight.
Her stomach did that increasingly familiar roll and grind at the memory of his text. He must have found her behavior the other night, here in her room, strange and erratic. To say the least. Maybe it was the pregnancy, that was making her feel like she was on an emotional roller coaster ride, or maybe it was all the drama with her family.
Or maybe it was just that she was aware that Z was going through a lot too lately. And that it was very possible he’d decided their seeing each other secretly was causing him too much stress and heartache. In short, she was very worried he was going to tell her she—they—were more trouble than was worth it. What if that was what he wanted to discuss with her tonight?
And here she was, pregnant with his child?
Oh God.
If he’d ever felt trapped by her, he would feel positively imprisoned when she told him that. Just the idea made her feel dizzy.
She cupped her stomach and frowned at herself in the mirror.
Wild, Wounded Hearts Page 30
