I Disagree
Page 7
Ladies, you are attracted to a strong, motivated man. You don’t like a wimpy, demotivated man. Guys know this! That’s why testosterone is so important to a man. This aggressive hormone makes us who we are. This is how biochemistry works. You want a feminized man? Let his testosterone come down. But you don’t want that—it’s not a good thing. When a guy sees himself, or women see the men in their lives (husbands, sons, fathers) becoming demotivated, it’s time to make some changes and a new approach to how we see and appreciate guys.
CHAPTER 7
Men Are Simple
“Doc, my relationship with my husband has gotten so much better. The spark is back in our marriage!” I have heard this so many times, especially when I first started out in practice. I didn’t start out talking about hormones and relationships. I started out talking about how to heal the body. What my patients and I found out was that being healthy improves relationships. Understanding the hormones improves relationships. I was just a doctor trying to give my patients the best functioning version of themselves. Better relationships was a happy side effect.
He can’t control the rise in testosterone.
Here’s one piece of relationship advice you can both thank me for. Imagine you’ve just had what I like to call a passionate conversation, some may call it a fight. Ladies, your hormones make you want to talk. Don’t talk to him. His testosterone is too high; leave him alone. He’ll cool off and come back with a much more level head and be able to have the conversation you want to have. Many devastating and mean things are said by husbands when they are mad. When he relaxes, that testosterone returns to normal and you are both able to speak calmly, he always says “honey, I didn’t mean it that way.” And he didn’t. He was responding to the rise in testosterone due to the rise in tensions in the situation. He can’t control the rise in testosterone. I’m not saying he shouldn’t control his response—he absolutely should—but when people understand testosterone, they can have much more success during conflict. When his testosterone rises, it tells him to attack whatever is sitting in front of him. If that’s you, it’s a bad day. In no way am I justifying the horrific domestic abuse caused by disgusting men who are out of control. I’m explaining what a rapid rise of testosterone does in the brain.
Testosterone also makes him very single-task focused. Once you realize where it comes from, it’s very obvious to see in various ways throughout his life. Ladies, your guy can only think about one thing at a time. Consider how quickly guys tend to climb any ladder of success. Men are driven because they can focus on just one thing at a time. Testosterone tells the guy’s brain to go after whatever he sees. Think about that fact in terms of relationships. Ladies, do you think testosterone tells a guy:
“be nice to the girl”
“romance the girl”
“get her flowers”
NO! It tells him to “chase the girl!” See, you want us to be like you. But we don’t have the same hormones you do, so we can’t be like you. It doesn’t make us any better or worse than you, it simply makes us men. What most likely attracted you to that guy was the opposite of your hormones. He pursued you with a clear purpose and was relentless in that pursuit. Today, politically, we think men and women are capable of being literally the same. They are not. They never could be; their biology would never allow it to happen.
In the evening, a man’s testosterone starts to decrease a little bit. His ability to listen and focus increases. He’s also more agreeable, passive and low key. Ladies, let me tell you step one in how to win with your man. If you try to tell your husband to do something in the morning—you might as well have not told him at all. Let me give you an example.
If you want to talk to your man and have his focused attention, don’t do it in the morning.
You ask him to take out the garbage. He’s laser focused on the day ahead of him. He’s not really listening to you and he leaves. When he closes the door and walks out, the garbage is still left there. Upset that he didn’t listen and help, you begin to stress. During the day you imagine all the possible reasons why he didn’t take out the garbage. We’ve all been there. On his side, he’s forgotten about it the minute he left the door! Testosterone has him so focused he’s in his own world. He simply didn’t hear you, but you stew all day, either mad or with hurt feelings. You end up creating a lot of stress and can even make yourself sick due to the imaginary reasons you’ve created in your mind. When he comes home, he has been laser-focused, energetic and aggressive all day and you’ve been imagining things and frustrated all day. Your first response is to question about why he didn’t take out the garbage like you so sweetly asked him that morning. His response, “You didn’t ask!” and you’re off to the races with another fight. Ladies, understand, if you want to talk to your man and have his focused attention, don’t do it in the morning. This will save so many fights. If his testosterone is normal, he’s already in high gear and not hearing you. I know some call this selective hearing. He’s really not trying to ignore you; his brain is just focused with the morning dose of testosterone he naturally needs to make it through the day.
CHRISTY’S THOUGHTS
I’m going to be honest, real and vulnerable with you. I made plenty of mistakes early in our marriage due to not understanding what testosterone did and how to keep my man healthy. No one teaches you about hormones or how our bodies are supposed to work and act, so how are we supposed to know what to do when things start to go wrong? To top that off, most people have never learned how to set healthy boundaries either. As I walked my rocky journey of becoming healthier, I realized that as my physical health began to improve, my mental health needed to change too. You see, when a person grows up dealing with constant health issues, a ’victim mentality’ can emerge, and, when I realized that some of my words, thoughts and actions were not healthy, I had a choice to make. I could keep thinking the same old thoughts, speaking the same old destructive words, and doing the same old bad emotional habits, or I could choose to THINK DIFFERENTLY.
I chose and still choose to this day to examine myself daily and make changes when I see they don’t line up with the priorities I have set in my life. Think of it this way—if you have a pebble in your shoe and walk on it all day long, what is your mood like? Probably irritable and perhaps over reactive, right? Well, if you remove the pebble, but don’t address how you react to things, you may unintentionally be hurting others with the way you speak or respond to them. So, as you are healing physically, don’t forget to take the time to do the ’hard-stuff’ of getting brutally honest with yourself and healing emotionally as well.
The Man Zone
We’ve discussed the fact testosterone rises drastically during puberty and remains high his whole life. I want your man in the Man Zone all the time, that’s normal.
What do you think is the most common challenge with men in the Man Zone? I hear ladies whine, “But Doc, you don’t understand, my husband wants sex every day!” My response is simple “that’s a good, healthy boy!” Are guys perverted? Are they disgusting? Nope, sexually driven? Yes. And guess what. Men, that’s part of being a man. Be proud of it! Women, you married him because you wanted a man. That’s part of the package. Now remember, just because he wants it every day doesn’t mean he gets it. A woman always has a choice and men have to do their homework. I do want those guys to stay in the Man Zone. If they don’t, they’ll get very sick. I’m going to teach you ladies how to build his testosterone and keep your man healthy. You can help him increase his testosterone, so you can get him to do virtually anything you want. I’m going to give you a To Do List. Don’t worry, I’m not putting all the work on you. You get off easy. The men will have two To Do Lists. Trust me, they can handle it. They have testosterone to motivate them.
#1 Show the Boy
Let me explain this a bit. Ladies, men are visual creatures. They like seeing what they’re chasing. Your favorite fluffy jammies that keep you toasty head to toe are not helping your cause in this instance. T
hink about it for a minute. Your coziest things are very likely not sexy. We love to pursue what we can see! I can already hear the arguments, “Doc, when we were first married, my boobs were way up here, and now they’re way down here.” Ladies, let me tell you something; we don’t mind. We will hold them right where they belong! We will, we’re nice like that. The only person who cares is you. We’re big picture thinkers—we’re into you, not the details! Most of the time we are completely unaware of the details. You know that. It’s true in a number of areas in our lives, and it works here too. Let me share a story to illustrate this point.
Most of the time we are completely unaware of the details.
When I turned sixteen, I bought my first car for $150. It was a royal blue 1978 Pinto station wagon with no muffler. It was a chick magnet. I used to pull up to Crivitz High School and lean up next to my car like James Dean without the cigarette. I was so proud. You know why? Because it was mine. Ladies, that’s the way a healthy man thinks about you. Just ask any man if he wants to see his wife in bed tonight. If he’s a healthy boy and a real man, you know he will. He doesn’t see the stretch marks, the extra few pounds and the sag you do. He sees his wife, and he’s dang proud of her. That should reduce a lot of emotional stress for you ladies. If you know how this works, you can get him to do whatever you want—and you’ll both be happier!
CHRISTY’S THOUGHTS
Ladies, this is so important and so SIMPLE to do…and if you value your man and your marriage this tip will become a fun, playful habit that you will share ’till death do you part’. I guarantee that your man has some favorite ’spot’ on your body, and no I’m not talking about ’the Man-Cave’! I’m talking about that ’special spot’ on your body that, when he gets a glimpse of it, drives him crazy! And ladies, it’s usually a spot on your body like the nape of your neck, small of your back, or other spot that is not considered ’private’. So, use it!!! Patrick’s favorite ’spot’ of mine is so easy for me to just enter a room and show him purposefully—and what’s the purpose? He will have ME on his mind ALL DAY LONG! When he travels this has him missing me and wanting to rush home to me as well. Ladies, it is so important to be playful with your spouse. It’s healthy and the kids don’t even realize it’s happening…they just see your healthy relationship.
#2 TALK TO THE BOY
You may think you talk to him all the time. But you talk to him in a way that feeds your hormones. Right now, we are talking about his hormones. There is a way you can talk to your man to get him to do what you want him to do all day. All you have to do tomorrow morning is grab that testosterone filled boy before he leaves for work and whisper into his ear, “Honey, tonight is going to be a good night!” What do you think your husband will be thinking about ALL DAY LONG? When he gets home, he’s going to get the kids ready for bed, and do the dishes. He’s going to do everything he needs to do because his testosterone has been stimulated to. You have a motivated man. That’s how a man works. If you don’t want to do that, the sad reality is, some other woman will. If you don’t talk to him the way he needs to be talked to and you don’t show him what he needs to see, some other girl will. It won’t be intentional on his part. He’ll be at work someday and when that pretty girl walks by and says something to him or dresses in a way that shows him a little more than he sees at home, he can’t help but be stimulated. No, it’s not a happy thought, but either you accept how this works, or you can be just as unhappy as the majority of marriages are today. We get wrapped up in the thought that men and women are created the same. They are not. Has the divorce rate in the last twenty years increased or decreased? That seems to be about the timing as to when we started trying to force men to be more like women. They are what they are. When we accept that men and women were created a specific, and different way, we’ll all be able to get along much better. I know I keep hammering this point, but so does the media and our culture. Once we accept reality, we’ll be able to move on from this. Until then, we’ll have to continue to hammer this point over and over.
#3 DON’T FEED THE BOY
Breast cancer is second to prostate cancer in men today.
I know men like #1 and #2 but they’re not going to like #3. As your husband gains too much weight, his testosterone will convert to another type of hormone, estrogens. That’s why breast cancer is second to prostate cancer in men today. As their man boobs and the rest of them get larger, their hormones convert to estrogens. Fat does a very good job of producing and storing estrogens making those men become more female like in hormones. Estrogens rising too high are currently the only known cause of breast cancer. A few times after taking a man’s blood work, I have had him fast for seventy-two hours and his testosterone would rise anywhere from 25-40%. Men need cut the sugar, and men need to fast. I like to recommend a seventy-two-hour fast every three months to help with testosterone levels. Ladies, sometimes you may have to put the kibosh on him and tell him he needs to take a break for a couple of days. Remember how I told you about foods and emotions? It’s just as true for guys as it is for women.
#4 CAPTURE THE BOY’S MIND
My wife is a genius at this. I travel a lot. Sometimes she goes with me, but sometimes she doesn’t and I’m by myself. I’m around beautiful women all the time, but it doesn’t matter because Christy has learned to capture my mind. The other day I was traveling and found a card in my suitcase. Cool. We all love surprises. Let me read you the front of the card. “Sometimes when I look at you, I wonder how I got so lucky.” Ladies swoon at this kind of stuff. You know how guys feel about it? It means nothing to a guy. But here’s the part where she captured my mind: when I opened that card, right in the middle was a piece of her lingerie. All day long, I was thinking about her. That entire trip all I was thinking about was her. She’s not stupid. She knows how this works. She left that little piece of fabric there for me and captured my mind. It doesn’t matter who I meet or what comes up throughout the rest of my day, she has all of my mind. I can’t wait to see her again. Why? She’s leveraging my testosterone and helping me stay a healthy man. Ladies you can cause a man to be deeply focused on you and chase you the rest of your life if you just do those four things. Here’s the best part—you also keep him healthy. It may sound tough or like something you may not want to do, but how much do each of these first four steps cost? Trust me, the care from our clinics is much more expensive. You don’t want to have to pay us to help you get your man’s testosterone back to normal. These steps cost you nothing, just a little understanding and creativity.
All day long, I was thinking about her. That entire trip all I was thinking about was her.
#5 TEST THE BOY
I often get emails and phone calls from women who have tried #1-4 to tell me it didn’t work. Well, then #5 is very important. You need to make sure you get tested. I had a thirty-one-year-old man and his wife come into my office. Over the course of the last three years he had lost his job, gained a lot of weight and has had zero motivation. Most notably, no sexual drive. It had been two years since he’d had sex with his wife. Does that sound like a healthy boy? His wife looked at me and said, “If I wasn’t a Christian woman, I would have left him already. All I have is a roommate. I don’t want a roommate. I want a husband.” I asked him if he had ever had his hormones tested. You can guess what his answer was. No. But do you know what they did have him on? SIX anti-depressants. In our current way of thinking, the thought was he might have a tumor or fire of some kind. They found nothing, and since they weren’t going to cut him open, it was time to use the hose. They kept adding medications. He was finally on six prescribed medications and in a horrible state! I did the obvious and measured his hormones. I sent him to the hospital where he was getting his psychiatric treatments. Take a look at his levels here:
Can you see his levels? No? Because they are 0! Zero. I called the hospital to see if they had made a mistake. They had him come back in and checked it four times. Four. It was consistently the same. Zero. We had figured out
what triggered his fires and what he needed to rebuild his house. After three months, we ran his blood work:
I had them come in to go over his labs. This time his wife’s first words to me were, “Doc, turn it off!” His body had gone back to normal. We like to see numbers anywhere over 400 Ng/dL for men’s testosterone levels to be in the Man Zone. Ladies, I have received flack for this next statement, but like I said, I speak it like it is. If your husband is not chasing you every day, it’s a sign he’s sick. I don’t care if he’s sixty or if he’s twenty-five. If he’s chasing you every day, he’s not a pervert. He’s a real healthy man and you should be thanking God for that. Guys are easy to understand, easy to get back to normal and easy to keep normal. We have a simple daily and lifelong cycle.
We like to see numbers anywhere over 400 Ng/dL for men’s testosterone levels to be in the Man Zone.
CHRISTY’S THOUGHTS
If only women realized that the four steps really worked and were so incredibly beneficial to men’s health!! I didn’t even realize that I was doing those four steps until he started pointing them out to me, or until he started using examples in his seminars. You can imagine the look on my face after I heard him bring up the ’lingerie in the card’ in one of his seminars for the first time—I was probably redder than a lobster, and I guarantee my eyes were as wide as saucers!! But ladies, in all seriousness, I can handle a small bit of embarrassment if I know that it will help you with your marriage! The best advice I have for ladies to build and keep their men and marriages healthy is to do these four steps! Ladies, we need to help our men stay hormone-healthy ’till death do us part’.