About halfway there, he’d felt the atmosphere around them completely change. Leslie had stopped laughing, stopped smiling. She’d retreated once again. For a brief time, she’d had her body wrapped around him and he could feel the chemistry sizzling between them on the adrenaline rush through the woodsy trail. Then suddenly, it disappeared. Her body had tensed, she pulled away, creating as much of a gap as possible between them, and her mood had sobered. He had no idea what she was going through and the emotional roller-coaster ride she seemed to be on. She seemed hell-bent on keeping her guard up and he wondered what would have happened had he let something happen between them two nights before. Would she have continued to open up to him? Or would she have retreated even further?
Leslie avoided his gaze now as she removed her helmet and scanned what was left of her family’s cabin. Charred logs and wood beams, broken glass and roof tiles littered the plot of land where it had stood. Pieces of unsalvageable furniture, kitchen appliances nearly unrecognizable in the places where they’d once been inside the cabin. Everything else—photos, clothing, fabrics had been reduced to ash, covered by freshly fallen snow. It was tough to see and Levi swallowed the large lump forming in the back of his throat.
Leslie walked toward it, careful not to fall between cracks in the rubble, and stood among the remains of some of their best childhood memories.
Should he go to her? Would she appreciate that? Or did he give her space? Give her this time to process?
He wanted to go to her, provide any support or comfort she needed, but he suspected she wanted a moment alone and he couldn’t trust himself not to cross another line, so he moved farther away, examining the extent of the wildlife damage caused by the fire. They’d reached it early enough that the burn through the surrounding forest was minimal. They’d contained the damage to the wildlife, but unfortunately they hadn’t been able to save the cabin. Cleanup wouldn’t require much... He and Chad could handle it.
He still couldn’t believe it was gone. It had been a big part of his past—amazing memories had been made there, summer days and nights he’d never forget. Now it was gone and it was just another part of their shared past that he and Leslie no longer had.
Slowly, everything tying them together was disappearing and soon the only thing that would remain would be the completely useless feelings he had for her. And those had never been enough.
* * *
EVERYTHING WAS GONE.
Standing among the remnants of the cabin, Leslie was staggered by the force of the sentiments hitting her. It was just a cabin—four log walls and old furniture. In reality, the furniture fabrics had all faded to become unrecognizable, a lingering musty smell from the fires and wet clothing sitting on them, the beds had been uncomfortable paper-thin mattresses with springs sticking out and old wooden frames, the kitchen appliances were green and dated, having been owned by her grandmother. All items that no one had any reason to feel bad about losing; they were well past their expiration date. She hadn’t been there in years. If she hadn’t come back with Selena now, it could have been many more years before she’d be there again. Feeling this distraught was silly. It was just stuff. Stuff from her past. Stuff she’d already walked away from.
Yet the deep ache in her chest made it difficult to breathe in the frigid air.
It was as though the cabin burning had taken with it the memories she’d tried to repress, ignore, forget. Now they were rushing back, reminding her that she hadn’t held on to them, cherished them...just like the cabin itself and now they were slipping away for real—unappreciated.
“I’m sorry.” Levi’s voice beside her made her jump. He’d been so quiet, she’d almost forgotten she wasn’t alone. How long had she just been standing there? Obviously she looked wrecked, because the sympathy on his face said he was worried about her.
That was the last thing she needed or wanted. She cleared her throat quietly. “It’s nothing. We barely used the place anymore and most of it was old junk anyway. Stuff Mom didn’t want in the house anymore. Nothing of value.”
“Maybe not monetary value, but this place definitely meant something to you and your family. To me too.”
There were too many emotions, too much meaning in his words and in his tone. She shifted uncomfortably under the intensity in his gaze as she shrugged. “Sometimes it’s better to have no other choice than to let go of something. Mom should have sold this land back to the city years ago. It’s in the middle of nowhere and too hard to even get to, especially in winter.” She heard herself making excuses, giving reasons to not feel so bad and just hoped they sounded like she actually believed them.
Levi studied her, his expression telling her he wasn’t buying her act. But he remained silent instead of calling her out, which somehow annoyed her even more. As though he didn’t want to hurt her or start a fight. As though she might be fragile.
She placed her hands on her hips. “What?”
He shook his head. “Nothing.”
“You obviously have something to say, so go ahead.”
He blew out a long deep breath, the cold creating a white fog around his head as he said, “You really don’t care?”
“Why would I care, Levi? I haven’t been here in forever.” And the last time she had, the place had started to lose its charm. The summer of her lost innocence with the miscarriage had almost been like lifting a veil off her childhood and she no longer saw the cabin as a safe, fun place. It was here that she’d missed her period and had started to suspect. It was here that she’d cried herself to sleep with worry that long summer weekend. It was where she’d had a blowout fight with her mother when she’d accused her of moping around and ruining the weekend for everyone else. She just needed to keep remembering those times at the cabin and the pain of the loss would ease a little. “This was just a part of my past.”
“A big part,” he said, pushing on. “I remember. You used to love this place...more than anyone else in your family. You couldn’t wait for school to let out to get here. Swimming and fishing in the lake with your dad in summer, ice fishing in winter, hiking and taking all of those amazing photographs...”
“Stop!” Damn it, too loud, too forceful, but he’d struck a nerve. Exactly the way he’d been trying to. Memories of her dad were sacred to her and she didn’t appreciate him using them to get to her.
He clamped his lips together, obviously realizing he’d gone too far.
“Don’t try to make me feel like a bad person just because I’ve moved on, learned to let go of things,” she said. What choice did she have? Things were ripped away; things were lost whether people wanted to let go of them or not. Life had taught her that cruel lesson time and time again.
This cabin was the most recent symbol of how nothing in life lasted forever.
Levi shook his head and lowered his gaze to the ground. “That wasn’t my intention. I’m sorry.”
Intention or not, he’d gotten to her. He was right; this place had meant something in good times and in bad and it was devastating to know there would be no going back. No opportunity to recreate old memories or make new ones.
Levi stepped toward her and placed his hands on her shoulders. His eyes beneath snow-covered eyelashes burned deep into hers and he gently touched her cool cheek. The warm, gentle caress was intimate and full of affection. “I’m sorry,” he said again and the apology seemed to linger heavy in the air, full of unspoken intention.
Her heart picked up its pace and her sadness was overshadowed by a different feeling entirely. An unsettling connection simmered around them as his hand lingered on her face. She stared at Levi, questioning his action, questioning his motive... Was he once again just trying to get her to open up as a friend? Or was there something more going on between them? Her body’s reaction to him in recent days was definitely something she couldn’t pretend wasn’t happening. And if things were just friendly between them, why was t
he urge to kiss him so strong?
Was he simply trying to be there for her or was he feeling this attraction too?
Neither was what she needed right now.
She shook her head and stepped quickly away from his touch, stumbling over a charred log. “You need to stop with these mixed signals,” she said and winced. Damn, why had she said that? Why open up this conversation at all?
“Me?” He looked genuinely confused. “Mixed signals?”
“Yes. You rejected me the other night in the hotel room and then you keep sending these...vibes... I don’t know.” Jesus, Leslie, just stop talking. Let the subject drop.
“I didn’t reject you. I put the brakes on before you did something you’d regret.” His tone was defensive and frustrated as though he were tired of protecting her.
Well, she hadn’t asked him to. “I’m a grown-ass woman, Levi. You don’t need to protect me from myself,” she said, her annoyance rising. He’d always taken on that role of protector, always looking out for her and Dawson, whether they needed him to or not. He’d assumed a big brother position in the group, keeping them all on the straight and narrow. And while she might be at the mercy of accepting his help with Selena, she didn’t need him acting like a martyr regarding her feelings.
He ran a hand through his hair and looked almost defeated as he said, “Maybe it wasn’t you I was protecting. Maybe I was looking out for myself.”
Her pulse raced through her veins as she stared at him. “What are you talking about?” He’d been completely in the driver’s seat. Manipulating her feelings until she broke, then pushing her away when she’d given in to the desire of wanting him.
“Damn it, Leslie.” His voice rose slightly and he stared at her like she was completely obtuse. “Maybe I didn’t want to have sex with the woman I’ve been in love with my entire life while her mind and heart are still with my best friend.” The raw frustration in his voice was something she’d never heard directed at her before. Things between them had always been light, friendly, caring. He’d never sounded so completely destroyed before—and yet, he’d said love.
Shock made her completely numb to the cold wind and their devastating surroundings as she struggled to process what he’d just said. “Love?” Had he really said he was in love with her, not simply that he loved her, which would have been a reason for not having sex with her that she could have understood. But, in love? That made no sense at all. Since when? Why? What the hell was happening?
“Yeah,” he said with a sigh. “Love. I love you. I always have.”
So the attraction between them was real, but it went deeper than just a physical lust. At least on his end. She knew her feelings about him were different in the last few days, but she couldn’t pin them down. Stress and exhaustion were taking their toll and there was a lot at stake. She was fighting nostalgia and heartache and her defenses were down... But there was no way she was in love with Levi. He was her friend. Dawson’s friend.
They couldn’t be in love.
“Look, I know the timing on this confession isn’t great, and I already regret telling you...”
Why did that sting? She wished she didn’t know, that he hadn’t told her. It just confused and complicated the hell out of things even more. Yet, his regret was worse.
“That came out wrong,” he said, reading her expression correctly. “I just meant, I know you have a lot to deal with right now and adding more to it wasn’t my...”
“Intent,” she finished, her tone distant, cold. All his good intentions could go to hell. She didn’t need him to help her feel something again. She was desperately trying not to feel anything at all because if she opened herself up to one emotion, they’d all spiral right out of her control and she couldn’t lose that right now.
“Leslie, I’m sorry I told you. I was... I don’t know. Tired of holding it in maybe. Wanting to help you understand why I didn’t...” His voice, full of emotion, trailed as he reached out to her.
She moved away. She refused to let him touch her. She couldn’t do this with him. He wouldn’t get inside her head or her heart. She was tired of losing the things she cared about and she’d already left Levi in the past along with every other heartache.
He was in love with her.
To say it was the last thing she’d ever expected would be an understatement.
She scanned her surroundings, overwhelmed and unsure what to say or do. She headed back toward the Ski-Doo and listened for his footsteps behind her. She just wanted to get away from this place. Needed to get as far away as she could.
Seeing it, being there with him had only made her question just how much she really had left the past in the past and moved on, the way she claimed.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
THE AXE CAME down hard, splitting the log in two, the sound echoing across the forest, but not loud enough to drown out the thoughts in Levi’s head.
He had to be the dumbest man on earth. Confessing his twenty-year-old feelings for Leslie now? In the middle of this huge mess she was in? Quite literally standing among a mess that used to be her family’s cabin?
What the hell was wrong with him?
This situation was already so far out of control and could implode at any second and he went and made it worse.
Smokester lay on the ground a few feet away, playing with his stick. His brown tail flopped back and forth and his pointy ears were piqued. The dog sensed Levi was in a mood and shot him a look occasionally that suggested he needed to sort his shit out fast because he’d like to go back inside but wouldn’t leave him alone out there.
“You can go in,” he told the dog. Levi couldn’t. Not yet.
The dog just sighed and collapsed onto his paws and closed his eyes.
Levi replaced the log and swung again, split pieces of wood falling in opposite directions. Chopping wood usually gave him a sense of accomplishment and the physical exertion was the only way to get his frustration out. Plus, he needed to stay out of the cabin. Away from Leslie. The space had gone from feeling small to feeling impossibly claustrophobic.
Mixed signals.
She’d accused him of that?
She was the one who’d kissed him, who’d tried to have sex with him... He’d been trying to protect her from making a mistake. Because he sure as hell knew she hadn’t been acting on feelings as deep as his were for her.
That had been confirmed by the look on her face after his confession.
He swung hard over and over again, cutting more wood than they’d need all year. Sweat pooled on his lower back and dripped down his forehead, but he kept cutting.
He didn’t know what else to do. She obviously wanted nothing to do with him and now he’d pissed her off and pushed her away even more. Talking to her about it, trying to explain wouldn’t help. He’d kept his feelings a secret for so long, he wasn’t even sure what he could say. And putting all of this on her now had been a horrible lapse in judgment.
He should never have tried to get her to open up. He’d been selfish in wanting his friend back...in any capacity. He missed her. He still loved her. But he needed to accept the fact that he still was nowhere close to getting her back in his life.
And maybe he never would.
* * *
SHE WOULD NOT go out there. It was just asking for trouble.
Leslie stood in the living room window of the station watching Levi chop firewood near the back shed. He’d removed his jacket and the sight of the sweat at his lower back on the tight gray T-shirt he wore made Leslie a little flushed as well. Where had this attraction to him come from? And why couldn’t she shake it off? There had been undeniable chemistry sizzling between them on the Ski-Doo, but she’d blamed it on the adrenaline rush. Then when he’d touched her cheek, there had been a definite spark, but combined with the emotional sight of her destroyed cabin, she couldn’t be sure that electricity between
them meant anything.
But she was running out of excuses for the way her body was suddenly reacting to Levi.
And he loved her. He’d always loved her.
That had her mind and heart in an even more conflicting battle.
Common sense said stay as far away as possible, fight the physical attraction she had for him even more. Leading him on and hurting him when she couldn’t return the feelings would be wrong. But she had no idea what to do with his revelation. Why had he never told her? Why tell her now? They couldn’t be together now any more than they could have been before.
But two things were obvious—her heart wanted her friend back and her body wanted her friend.
He swung the axe and his biceps and forearm muscles tensed and contracted and her mouth watered. The block of wood broke apart, falling away from the log, and Levi reached for a new one. His ass was sexy as hell and his big, thick hamstrings were strong and sturdy as he bent to retrieve the broken pieces.
No one she’d met since Dawson had attracted her like this. Not Eoghan, not any man she’d met in LA. So why was the one man she really shouldn’t want leaving her overcome with a desire to have him?
He lifted his gaze and it met hers through the frosty windowpane. The burning intensity could have defrosted the entire forest around them. He stood staring at her for a long moment, his chest rising and falling with his exertion, and Leslie held her own breath, lost in a moment of indecision.
Levi turned away and she released the air she’d been holding as she watched him pick up an armful of wood and head into the shed.
As he closed the door behind him, he cast a final...inviting look in her direction.
Damn it... They needed to talk, clear the air, get things straight. Otherwise, being in this cabin together would be impossible. She couldn’t ignore how they were both feeling and hope it would go away. Maybe if they talked about it, they could diffuse the situation before things got even more out of hand.
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