by Amelia Mae
Mostly, it makes me think about how fast I could get to her if I drove all night. Middle of the night, there’s probably no traffic.
I could make it there in a solid seven hours. Maybe six and a half if I…
Play the show, asshole.
I keep repeating that thought as we get to the bridge. Mostly because it drowns out the other one.
She didn’t want you there.
Nikki’s going through one of the most challenging, lonely experiences of her life. And she didn’t want me there.
I hear Dylan’s raspy voice singing the words I wrote to let Nikki know how much she means to me.
When the show ends, I don’t stick around to sign autographs.
Ian helps me find a rental car at one of the airport dealers.
“I’m glad you’re going,” he says. “Nikki needs you there.”
“I hope so.”
“She’s too proud to ask. But, I mean, I know my sister. She’s going to be an emotional wreck. I know why she doesn’t want you to see her like this,” he continues. “But…”
“Hey, you don’t have to convince me, Ian,” I assure him. “I’ve got the keys in my hand.”
Ian nods.
Nikki and I have been together for a couple of years now. Yet, I still wonder if Ian thinks I’m going to leave her someday. Or start sleeping around again. Or find some horrible way to lose Nikki, who is both my girlfriend and my best friend.
I have no idea what to do to convince him that I’m for real.
Okay… I have one idea.
“Drive safe,” he says, clapping me on the shoulder.
The drive is plagued by thoughts of the last time Nikki was alone in a hotel room, which was my fault. And, without a shadow of a doubt, it was the single shittiest thing I’ve ever done. Nikki’s a secure enough person to have forgiven me for it, but if I could take back any one decision I’ve ever made in my entire life, it would be that one.
I picture Nikki trying to sleep, tossing and turning, wrestling with her emotions, dealing with the onslaught of new information that’s just been thrown at her.
And yes, she did say that she wanted to be alone. I understand. I would have said the same thing. Told everyone else to fuck off home and let me deal with this on my own terms.
But when Nikki pushed her way back into my life, even after everyone told her to run away from me as fast as she could, it was like a dam broke inside of me.
I felt better.
I felt kind of… free.
I touch the little box in the pocket of my leather jacket. I need Nikki to know that I’m hers and I’m here for her. For this and for every other shitty thing that’s ever going to happen to her.
Though, I’ll do my best to make sure that it’s mostly good things.
After hours of driving, I pull into the parking lot of the Motel 6 and find Nikki’s room. I’m showing up for Nikki like I should have all those years ago. Whether she wants me here or not.
I knock on the door to her room and there’s no response. I check my phone for the time and realize that it’s nearly six in the morning. Early. She’s probably still asleep. But I knock again anyway.
“Please come back later,” she calls through the door.
“Nikki, it’s me,” I call back. “Open the door.”
I hear rustling, then soft footsteps, then the door finally opens. Nikki’s hair is all over the place and her eyes are half closed, having trouble adjusting to the light. She’s wearing a tank top and pajama pants with little hearts on them.
It makes me smile. She’s so damn cute.
“Hey,” I tell her, keeping my voice low.
“What are you doing here, Jack?” she asks.
“I…”
I don’t even get the words out before her arms are around me and her face is buried in my chest. She cries softly. I can feel warm tears soaking through my shirt. I hold her tighter.
I want, more than anything, to be able to take this pain away from her. Even if it means rehashing all the hell I went through when my own absent father died.
When she’s all cried out, I steer her into the room, and she pulls me onto the bed. To my absolute shock, she pushes me onto my back, climbs on top and starts kissing me.
As much as I like kissing Nikki, I stop her.
“Darlin’, you were literally crying into my shirt thirty second ago,” I whisper. She’s sucking on my neck and trying to work said shirt up over my head. I’m quickly losing my motivation to stop this.
But I have to. Some things just need to be said.
“You want me to stop?” she asks.
“I just… I don’t know, Nikki. You went from crying your eyes out to stripping me out of my clothes in less than five minutes…”
“Jack, I…” She gasps for breath. “I’ve never felt so many things at once before. I feel like my whole world is just spinning out of control. I need… something. And I don’t know what.”
Her heart pounds against mine, and I know that a fresh wave of tears are seconds away.
“I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin,” she confesses.
I pull her against me so tightly she can’t wriggle away from me and keep her against my body until I feel her labored breathing start to level out. I kiss her temple. Then the top of her head.
And I let her sleep in my arms.
Thirty-Eight
Nikki
I wake up feeling like a dried out husk of myself. My eyes are itchy, and my body feels like lead. I feel scraped out and empty. My only salvation is the strong arms around me.
Jack.
He came.
I still can’t believe it.
My eight o’clock alarm goes off and I have no desire to move.
“You don’t have to go to this,” Jack mumbles. His chest is against my back, and he’s grumbling into the back of my head. “You can just go back to sleep if you want to.”
I’m tempted. I could just go back to sleep. Hide away in this lousy motel room all day and just wait for it to be over.
“I can’t. This is what I came here for,” I tell him. “If I bail on the funeral, this trip was for nothing.”
“No, it wouldn’t. We got to come all the way out to… wherever we are. And stay in this, um… fun motel,” he says, trying to lighten the mood.
I roll my eyes and peel myself up out of bed.
“You met your half-sister,” he supplies. “That’s something.”
“Yeah.”
I head for the bathroom and get myself together. My one appropriate black dress hangs in a garment bag on the back of the closet door.
“What’s she like?” he asks.
“Pretty nice. Really smart. She works on spaceships or something…”
I start getting dressed, putting on the cap sleeved dress. I throw on a little makeup and make sure that my hair isn’t doing anything too crazy.
When I return from the bathroom, Jack is dressed.
And to my complete shock, he’s wearing a suit.
“I’m not sure what compelled me to bring a suit on tour, but…”
“Well, that’s very… responsible of you,” I tell him, still in shock over how good he looks in it.
I lean in to kiss him, smelling his familiar, earthy scent.
“Are you sniffing me?” he asks, laughing.
“Yes.” I inhale deeply. “You smell nice.”
“Considering I came straight from the show, drove almost eight hours, slept for two and haven’t exactly showered, I’m really glad you’re not disgusted by me right now,” he teases.
I want to laugh, but then something hits me.
“I… I mean… I can go shower first if you want. We’ve got a little time,” he back tracks.
“No,” I say, trying to get the words out. “It’s just… You really did that, didn’t you? Drove all night and got here in time to make sure I didn’t have to do to Jeremy’s funeral alone.”
He looks serious.
“Of cou
rse I did,” he says, solemnly. “And I’ll do it again. I love you, Nikki.”
He takes my hand and kisses my palm. I smile.
This, I think to myself. This is why it doesn’t matter if we ever get married.
Jack squeezes my hand and we leave the motel.
The funeral service is short and simple. I guess Jeremy didn’t have many friends or know many people as the church was only half-full. Sarah and I exchange brief hellos and I don’t make any effort to speak to Jeremy’s widow.
What strikes me most, though, is how impersonal it all is. The priest barely knew Jeremy Brooks. His friends give generic, life-affirming speeches about what a great guy he was, but they don’t really tell any personal stories.
Even Jeremy’s widow doesn’t really give me much of a clue as to what he was like as a person.
Finally, Sarah speaks.
Her eyes are a little red and there’s a catch in her throat as she clears it. But her voice is strong.
“My father, Jeremy Brooks… inspired me,” she says.
My eyes widen. That’s not what I expected her to say.
“He was a man who was always ready for the next thing. The next step. The next opportunity. The next… bigger and more exciting adventure.”
The next woman. The next child. Of course I don’t say those things out loud.
“He always forced me to consider what was next. He never allowed me to rest on my laurels. He always pushed me,” she continues. “But, where my father and I differ is that… I know… when things can’t get any better. I know when to stop looking and appreciate what I already have. And I don’t think he ever learned that.”
I feel Jack take my hand. I know he’s hearing these words and applying them to himself and the way he was before we got together.
“I hope my father finally found what he was looking for,” Sarah says. “And I hope that the rest of us… I hope that we keep our eyes and hearts open, of course. But, also, that we know when to stop wanting more.”
After the service concludes, I say a quick goodbye to Sarah and we make tentative plans to go for a drink after her fellowship starts and she settles into her new place in Pasadena.
Jack and I check out of the motel and drop off one of the rental cars at a dealership. We’ll only need one for the drive back.
“Should only be about five hours to Boise,” Jack says, getting behind the wheel.
“Okay.”
We drive for the first few hours in silence. It’s a comfortable silence, though. Just letting the radio play. The windows are rolled down there’s a nice breeze.
By hour three, I’m starving, so Jack and I get burritos from a rest stop and eat them in a parking lot, sitting on the hood of the car.
“Your sister’s really smart,” Jack says.
“Yeah. She graduated MIT,” I tell him, licking some red sauce off my hand.
“No, I mean… That thing she said at the funeral about knowing when to stop looking.”
God help me, Jack sounds nervous.
“What about it?” I wonder.
“I mean, she made settling for someone sound…”
“She didn’t say settling for anything…”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” he says. “Just… things have gotten as good for me as I think they’ll ever be.”
“Still doesn’t sound great when you say it like that,” I tell him, teasing.
Jack sighs, his head rolling back. “Fuck, I’m bad at this.”
“Yeah, you are. But I love you anyway.”
“Nikki, I mean… I’m done looking…” he says.
“And please tell me you’re also done talking,” I joke.
I swallow the last bit of my burrito, grateful for this moment. That feeling of restlessness, like the world is spiraling out of control and all I want to do it get off the ride… it’s all starting to stop now that Jack is here.
“Nikki…”
I look over at Jack.
He’s on one knee.
There’s an open ring box in his hand.
“What’s happening?” I gasp.
“I was planning to do this somewhere more romantic. And, fuck, the timing is terrible. But I don’t want to wait anymore.”
Jack clears his throat and draws in a deep breath.
“Nikki… I mean… Nicolette Anastasia Brooks…”
My heart is in my throat. I blink a few times.
Jack Cordero is literally on his knees, proposing to me.
“Please,” he whispers.
I nod. I’m speechless, so I just keep nodding like a broken bobble-head doll that can’t stop nodding.
“Yes,” I say, finally remembering how to speak. “Yes. Oh my God, Jack.”
He takes the ring and slides the white gold band with the pretty pink diamond onto my finger. I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him hard.
“I love you,” he whispers.
“Love you too.”
Epilogue
Jack
Nikki didn’t want a big wedding. She wanted summertime, outside, with a lot of flowers. With the tour going on, it took a lot of planning to get this together and it’s been nearly a year since I proposed. But, finally, our big day is here.
In a moment I never thought I’d experience, I stand in front of the mirror in my hotel room, trying to decide between two ties.
There’s a knock at the door. I hope it’s Nikki, but I’m sure she’s busy getting ready in her suite. I open the door, and Ian’s standing there, in his suit, looking like he’s got something important to say.
“The grey one,” he says, pointing to the tie in my right hand. “The black one will make you look like a waiter.”
I put on the grey tie.
“I thought you were here for some kind of big talk,” I tell him.
“Big talk?”
“Like you’re going to tell me that I’m not good enough for your sister. Or that if I break her heart, you’ll come beat me up. Something along those lines.”
“Well, I might.”
“Look, Ian… at the risk of sounding ridiculously cheesy, I’d do anything for Nikki. She’s been my best friend for years. I’d die before I’d hurt her,” I tell him. “I love her more than… than I ever thought I was capable of.”
“I know.”
“Okay, then,” I conclude.
“I’m still going to have you secretly killed if you hurt her, though,” he says, only half-joking.
“I don’t doubt it.”
“Actually, Jack, I came in here to tell you that I doubted you and Nikki for a long time. I was convinced you’d break her heart.”
“Honestly, so was I. That’s why I never did anything about it. Not until I absolutely couldn’t stand not to anymore.”
“Jack…I was wrong,” he continues.
“Yeah?”
“You deserve her. And she deserves everything.”
I’m not the best with emotions, so, thankfully, Ian leaves before I get too choked up. As excited as I am to marry Nikki, I’m not looking forward to the speeches, the tears and the many, very public I love yous.
My phone dings. It’s a text from Nikki. A picture message.
It’s her from the neck down, wearing an electric pink lingerie set. Leave it to my fiancé to be sending me dirty pictures an hour before we’re supposed to get married and let me wait for her at the end of the aisle half-hard.
Fuck, I love her so much.
Jack: Didn’t want to go with white?
Nikki: Nah. Everyone wears white lace. I wanted something different.
Nikki: You like?
Jack: A little too much.
Jack: The next few hours are going to be complete hell.
Nikki: Our wedding is going to be hell?
Jack: Making nice with the guests knowing that’s what’s waiting for me when we get back to the hotel is going to be hell.
Jack: How do I get that off your body?
Nikki: Hm… marry me and find out
.
An hour later, I’m standing there next to a Justice of the Peace at an altar in a beautiful little garden. Shawn is my best man and he’s behind me.
“Last chance to make a run for it,” he chuckles.
“Not a chance.”
Shawn winks at his wife, Aya, who’s seated in the front row. Their newborn daughter, Laura, is in her lap. Dylan and Jane are next to her and though they don’t want kids of their own, they’re cooing over Shawn and Aya’s little princess. Cora finds her seat on Aya’s other side and helps Alicia, who is almost two, settle down.
I watch Cora greet Sarah, who has become sort of a fixture in our lives over the past year. She and Nikki have gotten a lot closer, and it’s nice to see her get some of her family back after most of it was taken away.
Then, I hear crying. Kind of loud, staged, dramatic crying and it’s all I can do not to roll my eyes.
It’s my mother.
She’s happy and she loves Nikki, of course. But my mother has a real flair for the dramatic. She actually wanted to walk me down the aisle. But I saw the soap opera scene that was Shawn’s wedding and opted out of that one.
I wave to her and she waves back. She’s smiling. And crying. It’s sweet, but almost comical. Her husband, Ben, takes her hand and kisses her knuckles. He’s got her. I know he does.
Looking out at the crowd of faces and seeing all of these people here for me and Nikki, I think about how much life has changed over the past few years. Not just for me, but for all of us.
All four of us have found love. We’ve all grown so much as people. I like to think that we’re more thoughtful and less selfish. And I think that we have the women in our lives to thank for that.
“Ready?” Shawn asks, nodding to the officiant.
I nod. I’m ready. I was ready the day I proposed.
Maybe even before that.
The music starts. Nikki didn’t want a whole slew of bridesmaids, so the procession is very short. Her maid of honor and best friend, Julia, walks down the aisle alone.
Julia’s a sweet girl and I wonder why no one seems to have won her heart yet.
