by LD Marr
“No!” I shouted.
It was all too real to me now. Painfully real. Vohn’s arm around me tightened, and I slumped forward into his broad chest. I began to sob uncontrollably, and I felt the horse walking away from the ledge. But I didn’t pay attention this time when the horses sped up again.
I was still crying when we reached the house. Grief was a stabbing pain inside me--a huge, sharp physical pain--and I felt like I would never stop crying. Like I’d feel this pain forever. I hardly noticed when Vohn lifted me off the horse and carried me into the house. I sobbed and sobbed as he laid me down on the huge couch.
Then I sensed someone else hovering near. I felt a slight sting in my arm, and I slipped gratefully into unknowing darkness.
Chapter 5
I didn’t know how much time had passed when I opened my eyes again. The room’s lighting was dim now. My confused mind groped for understanding of where I was. Then I remembered!
“No!” I screamed in my mind the last word I’d shouted when I’d seen the dying planet Earth.
Harsh reality jolted me awake. And my deepest wish at that moment was to sink back into the oblivion of unconsciousness.
“Claire?” a female near me voice spoke. “Are you OK? Would you like another tranquilizer?”
I pushed up on my arms and turned toward Ereen’s voice. She sat next to me on the stool where Dorg had sat when I first arrived here. Others were there too. Vohn sat on the far side of the couch, and Dorg and two others sat in chairs nearby.
The deep aching pain I’d felt at the edge of the cliff was still inside me. I felt like clutching my heart, but I didn’t. I sat up all the way and lowered my legs off the side of the couch. My feet barely reached the floor. I leaned forward and rested on my hands.
“I’m not OK, but I don’t want any more drugs,” I said. “Is there a bathroom?”
“I’ll show you,” said Ereen.
She stood, and I pushed myself up and followed her across the enormous room to a door on the far side. We passed into a high-ceilinged hallway with floors of the same pale polished wood. Many open doors lined the long hallway, and Ereen stopped in front of one of them.
“This room will be yours,” she said. “There’s a bathroom in there too. But we’d like you to stay out in the main room for a few days to keep an eye on you. Because of what you’ve gone through. I’ll wait here for you.”
“OK. Thank you,” I said.
What else could I say? I wondered. I want to be alone, so I can think about killing myself?
I walked through the room--my room--barely noticing its polished wood floors and walls, curtained windows on one side, enormous bed in the center.
I finally have a room that Joey would think is good enough for him, I thought.
Then fresh pain hit me.
Joey’s dead! And everyone else I ever knew and cared about! I realized.
I went into the bathroom and then out, distracted the entire time by the list of names and images of their corresponding faces that played through my mind. And the remembrance of each one brought a fresh stab of pain.
When I came out, Ereen didn’t say anything to interrupt my thoughts. We walked silently together back to the living room and across to the big couch. I sat again on the far side from Vohn. He looked at me but also didn’t say anything.
I noticed that a tray of food was now on the table. A ravenous hunger interrupted my thoughts of the people who were gone.
I’m starving, I thought. But it would be rude of me to just start eating these people’s food.
“Please eat,” said Vohn as if he had read my mind. “Our food is now your food.”
“Thank you,” I said.
I was thirsty, and I reached for the glass first. But I paused before drinking.
Is there more of that drug in this? I wondered.
“Don’t worry. We won’t give you any more tranquilizers without asking you first,” said Ereen.
Then I drank and began to eat. I looked at the five others seated on chairs nearby. They all sat silent watching me and each other, but I heard the now-familiar whispers in my head coming from their direction. And occasionally from Vohn and Ereen next to me. I thought I heard words mixed in with the whispering, but I couldn’t hear anything meaningful. And I wasn’t interested anyway.
My thoughts turned back to the people I’d known on Earth. Now along with the pain of loss, a burning guilt seared through me.
There were times when I wasn’t nice to some of those people, I remembered now. I was rude, or I lied, or I said things that were mean. And now I can never make it up to them! They’re all dead! Everyone! Even all of the people I never knew. Why do I deserve to be alive when all those people are dead? I asked myself.
Tears began to flow down my face. I stopped eating and leaned against the upholstered back of the huge couch. I closed my eyes and hugged myself, but guilt and misery made my body shake uncontrollably.
I should be dead too, I found myself thinking over and over.
Then I felt a large hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see Vohn next to me.
“What happened wasn’t your fault,” he said. “And you don’t deserve to die just because you were the only one saved. I understand that you feel guilt now, but can you accept that we want you to stay alive?”
He stared into my eyes, and I felt something intense behind his own eyes. Something that felt almost like caring or desire. Or was I imaging that? I looked at him close up, his unbelievably handsome face and perfect body. But also, something more than that inside the body. Much more.
Intense feelings stirred in me. Feelings of desire both mental and physical but also beyond mental and physical. My unbearable pain and guilt were swept away by an exultant feeling that lifted me as if I was flying.
Not really a feeling but something else, I realized. A connection. In some way, I sensed that I was now connected to Vohn. It was as if I was sitting in my body, but part of me was also experiencing being in his body too.
An almost unbearable desire for him swept through every real and possibly real part of me--mind, body, and soul.
I stared into Vohn’s eyes, and time froze. It was as if I was no longer in my body. As if I were somewhere out in space. Stars twinkled in the distance as I soared through the boundless universe. Without a body. Soared not alone but with Vohn. As if we were one entity.
In what could have been endless time or just an instant, I felt myself back in my body. Still staring into Vohn’s eyes. But something felt different in the room. The whispering noises had all gone silent.
I looked around and saw that the room was now empty of everyone else except the two of us. The others had left without me noticing. But I didn’t have time to feel embarrassed.
Something else unexpected happened. In absolutely no time at all, I found myself lying back on the couch with Vohn on top of me! I hadn’t seen him move, but there he was, and there I was.
And it felt right--so right! But my mind told me to be upset.
A man I just met lying on top of me! That’s not appropriate. That’s not how I do things. I’m not that kind of person, my thoughts said.
“What are you doing?” I asked Vohn in compliance with my own mental tirade.
“I’m doing what you wanted me to do,” he said. “What you told me to do.”
Now embarrassment bashed me like a club. I had been thinking something along those lines, but I didn’t want to admit to it.
I’m not that kind of slut! I insisted to myself again. I don’t jump into bed with men I’ve just met!
“What? I didn’t tell you to get on top of me!” I protested.
“No, but you were thinking it,” said Vohn. “Everyone could hear your thoughts. That’s why the others left to be polite.”
My face burned red with shame. He was right. I had been thinking that.
Can they really read my thoughts? I wondered. How humiliating!
I felt like crying, but I was oddly comforted b
y Vohn’s presence on top of me.
My upbringing or mental conditioning kept telling me that I should ask him to get off, but it wasn’t what I wanted deep inside. A battle between my mind and my emotions waged inside me.
He won’t respect me if I go along with this, I told myself. He’ll use me for sex, and then he’ll treat me like garbage. That’s the way men act. I know that!
My thoughts won the battle against my emotions. I’d been hurt before, and I didn’t want to be hurt again. I’d finally learned my lesson from Joey. My insides grew cold and painful, and I said what my mind told me I needed to say.
“No,” I denied the truth. “I wasn’t thinking that.”
“I’m sorry,” said Vohn. “Maybe I read your mind wrong. We’re a different species. That could be why. I apologize.”
I stared at his lean-muscled biceps as he lifted himself up off me. Deep in my chest, the feeling of loss, painful loss, increased, but I didn’t say anything.
This time, I’m doing what’s best for me, I told myself as sadness wrapped around me like a dark cloud.
I felt Vohn sharing the cloud with me.
Cold! Cold! I felt from him.
Don’t think about him! I ordered myself.
Vohn moved several feet away from me on the couch. Back into a sitting position. I sat up too.
My desire for him was still in me, but I ignored it. My mind raced around in circles in its fight to keep desire from taking control.
I need to show him that I’m not the kind of person he thinks I am, I told myself. I need to establish boundaries.
“Are you saying that you’ve been reading my mind? You’ve all been!” I asked.
“Why yes. That’s how most people communicate on advanced planets, of course,” said Vohn. “You must be telepathic too, or you wouldn’t have been able to get here. The road we extended to you was not solid in the material sense. It was made of dark matter particles that must be sensed by a telepathic mind in order to carry that mind. Therefore, we know that you’re telepathic. Don’t you know it yourself?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “It’s true that sometimes I thought I knew what people were thinking. But they’d always deny it. They’d get mad at me and say I was crazy. So I stopped talking about it. People on Earth don’t believe in that kind of thing. Didn’t believe...”
My thoughts turned back to Earth’s devastation, and I crumpled down into the couch. Tears dripped down my face.
Without me seeing him move, Vohn was next to me. Handing me a tissue. I took it and blew my nose. Again, I was comforted by his warm presence.
I turned and looked up at him, and I felt a longing that was undeniable.
He’s right. I do want him. I can’t believe I’m feeling sexual desire right now! But I really do want him right now, I realized.
In the next moment, everything changed without me seeing any movement. Again, I was lying down flat on my back. Again, Vohn was on top of me. This time, all of his clothes were off. And all of my clothes were off too!
It felt right beyond anything I’d ever experienced or could imagine, but my mind screamed at me to resist.
I don’t do this! I have rules! I have boundaries!
“I don’t have sex with men I’ve just met!” I said out loud.
Vohn lifted his head a few inches and looked down at me.
“You don’t?” he asked. “But you just said loud and clear that you wanted me to do that in your mind. Didn’t you?”
“I might have been thinking that,” I admitted. “But I didn’t say it out loud. Sometimes people think things--have sexual thoughts, but it’s not the same thing as asking someone to have sex with you.”
I felt like I was explaining something simple to a child.
Or to someone who is very alien from me, I realized.
“It’s the same thing for us,” he answered me. “Most of the time, we speak to each other with our thoughts, and you speak the same language--the language of thoughts.”
“You mean that whatever you’re thinking, people will act on that? How can you live like that?” I asked.
“Oh, it’s quite easy,” he said. “All you have to do is control what you’re thinking.”
That didn’t sound easy at all.
That sounds impossible! I thought.
Then I realized that he was still on top of me, although he wasn’t moving. It still felt wonderful though. I longed for him to stay there. I longed for us to move together, but the longing still shamed me.
“Do you want me to stay here or leave you alone?” he asked.
“I don’t know, I don’t know,” I said.
I did know the answer to that question, but something inside me wouldn’t let me tell him the truth. It was the memory of Joey.
We’d had sex on the night of our first date, and then look what had happened! Disaster! I’d become emotionally attached to him without knowing who he was. Without knowing that he slept around and lied about it. That he could never be loyal. But it was like I was stuck with him anyway. Because I’d slept with him too soon. Hadn’t I promised myself never again?
“No. I can’t have sex with a stranger!” I insisted now to Vohn.
I felt a pang of loss when he lifted his body off me and moved several feet away on the couch. But I didn’t speak. Instead, I grabbed my clothes that were on the table next to me and began putting them back on.
Vohn was silent for a minute, just looking at me. I thought I heard a man’s voice whispering in my mind, but I couldn’t make out the words. Then he spoke.
“I’m sorry. I forgot that you’re from a planet where mental telepathy has only begun to develop. An alien planet. You don’t understand us, and we don’t understand you,” he said. “So different.”
I heard a deep sigh in my mind. Then he put on his clothes, rose from the couch, and walked away across the room. I wanted to call him back, but I was stopped by my combined pride, fear, and determination to act how I’d decided was best.
Still, a deep sadness filled me when he was gone. I cuddled up into a ball, closed my tear-damp eyes, and waited for sleep to come.
A few minutes later, I felt a blanket placed over me. I didn’t open my eyes to see who had covered me, but I heard a female voice speak.
“Sleep now. Take the peace sleep offers.”
Whether the voice was speaking in my head or my ears, I didn’t know.
Chapter 6
That night, sleep didn’t offer the peace the woman had promised. As soon as my sleep deepened, a dream started. And it turned into an endless disturbing nightmare.
In the beginning, I stood in a house. I’d never lived in an entire house that was mine, but this house was mine in the dream. The house was spacious, clean, and comfortable, although it was nothing fancy. It was furnished with the barest necessities and no rugs on the hard-stone floor, but the walls were painted a cheerful sky blue. There were no windows, but a soft light lit the rooms. The bedroom contained only a mattress on the floor covered with sheets and a blanket.
I was happy and peaceful when the outer door of my bedroom opened. To my surprise, people started walking in. They trailed through my bedroom with muddy feet, tracking dirt all over my clean floors. Some even walked on my bed and left it filthy.
In a seemingly endless single file, they kept going on through my living room, leaving more mud and dirt on the floor. From there, they headed into my large washroom where there was a big sink for washing clothes as well as a shower. One after the other, the uninvited guests showered off the dirt that covered their feet and their entire bodies in some cases.
Then one by one, they went out a door on the far side of the washroom beyond the shower. Bright light shined in through the open door, and they walked into it.
I walked around in my house watching hundreds or even thousands of people go through in this same way. As the dirt that brought into my house grew into piles of filth, I became more and more upset. But the stream of people kept flowing thr
ough.
Why are these people going through my house? I wondered. My beautiful clean home is becoming filthy! When will they stop?
A bodiless voice answered my question.
“Because you’re the only one with a washroom,” said the voice.
But that answer didn’t help much, and the line of people kept walking all through the night.
If they’re not going to stop, I’ll have to start cleaning, I decided when the sight of the dirt finally became unbearable.
First, I took the blanket and sheets from my bed. I tipped my mattress on its side against the wall to get it out of the way of the traveling feet. Then I carried the bedding into the washroom. I filled the big sink with soapy water and dunked the sheets and blanket in to soak.
As the dirty fabric entered the water, and the dirt began to cleanse off, I didn’t see any sign of it darkening the water, but I was struck by dark thoughts and feelings. The dirt seemed to be flowing up out of the sink into me, and it wasn’t the soil of the Earth but the soil of unclean thoughts, actions, and emotions.
I shuddered as I experienced an onslaught of terror, pain, jealousy, and hate. The feel of murderous intent. The sicker feel of committing actual murder and other harmful crimes against others.
I sunk down on the floor and grabbed my head in my hands.
“No!” I screamed. “I can’t stand it!”
But the terrible feelings had left me.
I stood back up and looked into the sink. My clean bedding floated there in clean water. I didn’t want to experience anything like that again, but the increasing piles of dirt on the floors bothered me extremely and pushed me back into action.
I filled a bucket with water. There was a mop leaning against the wall next to the sink. I carried the bucket and mop back into my bedroom and started scrubbing the floor. Around and between the feet of the people still passing through.
When I dipped the dirty mop into the bucket, it was immediately washed away, and the water stayed clear. But the dirt passed through me as painful feelings, thoughts, and crimes. Again, I experienced those things as if they were my own, but they went through me quickly, and I kept scrubbing.
