A long time ago, I was blessed with forgiveness. I knew that act went both ways, just as much as I knew that I could no longer blame myself for the loss of our son. It had been the longest year of my life carrying the burden of that loss with me and almost succumbing to it. We have to make us work, we just have to.
I can’t stand the fact that Shelby was thinking of hurting herself, but then again, I was doing the same thing. I used and abused alcohol every single time we fought, which was most of the time. When I was up on the mountain yesterday, I wasn’t thinking clearly, not at all. I was reckless and irresponsible and not caring about anything or anyone. It could have been the same for Shelby when she was staring at the guns in the cabinet. One moment, one choice, had the power to change our lives forever. No, that already happened, and as long as I’m breathing, I will never allow Shelby to ever believe taking her own life would be a good thing.
My jaw still smarted a bit where my father hit me, a punch I surely deserved. I was better than the man he had to knock some common sense into yesterday, and I knew I could be better for Shelby. I held my hand over my heart and once more thanked every living soul in my life, along with the angel above that always had my back and never gave up on me.
As I made my way down the private road that would bring me home to my wife, I held onto the hope I found by the river. We would be stronger than the pain and find us again in the love we felt for one another. It’s there, I know it is, and once I am able to look into Shelby’s eyes again, I’ll know forever without a doubt that we will be okay.
Shelby
I had been pacing back and forth waiting for Shane to come home to me, but I wasn’t sure if he would. We had so much to work out in our marriage, and although he sat and listened to what I had to say, he still left anyway. This made me feel scared, because if he chose not to come home, I couldn’t really say that I blamed him.
Where would we go from here? Divorce? It’s unimaginable to come to terms with. I love Shane. He’s the only man I want to spend my life with; I just hope it isn’t too late. I looked down at my phone to see no messages. Of course, I would hear the alert if there were. Should I call his father? Maybe Jagger and Tenley? I just don’t know what to do, and I am beside myself with worry.
“Damn, woman, you’re going to wear down the hardwood floor if you keep that up.”
I nearly jumped at the sound of his voice unexpectedly at the front door.
“Shane? Is it really you?”
He took his hat off and placed it down on the entryway table. Brushing his overgrown hair out of his eyes, he just smiled back at me. “Yeah, darling, it’s me. We’re you expecting someone else?”
“Only you, cowboy.” I said, holding back my tears of happiness. He came home to me.
I could barely remain standing on my two feet and rushed over to Shane for him to sweep me up in the best hug of my life. I held his face and just kissed him all over until I was breathless.
“Did you mean it?” he asked.
“What?” I questioned.
“Baby, you know what I am saying to you. Did you mean it? You want to try again and make our marriage work? You want to be my wife again? And I do mean in all areas of our marriage. I will not settle for anything less.”
“With all my heart, Shane. I’ve been so cruel to you, and I am so very sorry for my behavior this past year. I love you so much, and you mean everything to me. You coming back means that you want to try again too? Right?”
He let out a deep sigh and continued to hold me in his arms. I thought he was going to put me down, but instead, he carried me upstairs to our bedroom, kicking the door closed behind him.
After he placed me on our bed, his intentions were clear; they always were when it came to Shane. In record time, he removed my clothes and all of his and then climbed back onto our bed, where his eyes were concentrated on mine.
“I love you, Shelby, and there is no one more important in my life than my wife. I’ve waited so long for you to come back to me, and now with your consent, I would like to make love to you and prove just how much I want you.”
“Yes, Shane, please make love to me. Make me yours again in every way possible.”
“Thank you, Shelby, because that’s exactly what I intend to do.”
My body was pulsing with anticipation. It was always like this with Shane. He was a force to be reckoned with and brought us to new heights every time we were together. He led, of course, and all I could do was submit over and over again until we both cried out our release. I think he tried to be gentle, but then his need to dominate and regain what he felt he lost was greater than tenderness at the moment. I was petite in frame and most times when Shane got like this, I felt him for days as he would ravage my insides with his hard, thick cock. It didn’t matter, not today. We both needed to feel this, remember this, and take back what we had almost lost.
He tugged at my hair as his other hand held my hands. He didn’t want to be touched, not yet at least. His expression was determined and hard as he rode out his release. He poured so much of himself inside of me that I was too full of his hot cum, and it began to seep out of me. When he finally disconnected from my body, he rolled over, taking me with him.
“Fuck me!” he barked out.
“You can go again?” I asked, shocking myself at the question.
“Yes, I can. Now ride me,” he demanded.
His hands gripped hard into my hips as I pressed my palms onto his chest for support. He was relentless as he pumped harder and harder into me. I felt as if I was going to rip in two, but then with a roar of a scream, he came again, filling me once more. He held me in place for a moment and then sat straight up to wrap his arms around my waist. He inhaled me and kissed me all over.
“Thank you, baby,” he said.
“Thank you?” I whispered. “Are you okay, Shane?”
“Never better.”
He kissed me once more and then flipped us again, where I was on my side with Shane now spooning from behind me. He clicked the light off and told me to go to sleep. I was so full of him and wanted to clean up, but he would not let me, not even to move an inch.
He’d never been this possessive before, and I wasn’t sure what to make of him right now, but I knew not to challenge him further. I would wait until he fell asleep and then would try to move from under his heavy limbs so I could clean up. I managed to get some sleep, but I was uncomfortable and finally got up from the bed. Shane was still out, probably still hungover from yesterday, and I knew he hadn’t slept in days.
I was as quiet as I could be showering and changing into clean panties. We usually didn’t sleep in much more than this, but I grabbed a short robe and was going to lay beside him when he began to toss and turn.
He looked in pain as if he was having a nightmare. He kept saying he was sorry and to stay. His words were my undoing as new tears began to fall down my face. Shane had carried so many burdens on his shoulders this past year, and not for one second had I allowed him to forget them. I soothed him as much as I could until his eyes flared open and he looked cornered in his distress.
“Shane, it’s okay. I’m here.”
“You were gone. Why did you leave?”
“Shane, I didn’t go far, just took a shower. I’m here, baby. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
He looked around the room and then back to me. He was drenched in sweat and looked scared. He reached for me and pulled me back into bed. With a forceful tug, he ripped away my panties and sunk deep inside of me, making me buck my hips forward. I was sore, so sore from the multiple times we made love, but I wasn’t going to deny Shane of this connection he needed. He emptied his hot seed in me once more and then nearly collapsed from exhaustion.
Making love with Shane had always been at the level of “rock my world” type of sex, but tonight he was different. He’d never hurt me and didn’t tonight, but if I was being honest with myself, he may have scared me a little.
He had a rig
ht to all of these feelings which I didn’t consider and it drove a wedge between us. He held me close to his body and quickly fell back to sleep. He was restless a little, and then when I finally thought he was down for the night, I heard him mumble a few words. I listened as carefully as I could, and there was no mistaking what I heard.
“Don’t leave me, Shelby. Whatever you do, just don’t leave me again. I won’t survive it.”
I kissed him gently a few times and then I waited for his breathing to even, and I knew he was asleep. I brushed away his hair and stroked my fingers through it. For a hard-working, rugged cowboy, he sure does have soft hair.
I kissed him once more and made a silent promise to my husband. “I will never leave you again, I promise you, Shane. I don’t deserve you, and I know if I said these words to you aloud, you would silence me and tell me that wasn’t true, but I know better. You are amazing, and throughout this year of pain and loss, I hurt you deeply, and that regret is on me, not you. You tried so hard to reach me, and I refused you at every turn. I’m so sorry to have done that to you and hope one day you will forgive me. I love you, Shane. We are going to make it, because I just don’t see my life without you. Just be patient with me.”
I kissed my sleeping cowboy one more time, and he didn’t stir a bit, which showed me how tired he was. I slept as close as I could and felt his warmth as sleep finally took me too.
Shane
She was sleeping so soundly that I didn’t have the heart to wake her, so I crept out of our bedroom as quietly as I could and went downstairs to start the coffee. It was early enough for me to join the crew if I wanted to, but I wasn’t ready to get back to my norm, or whatever the fuck that is.
If I wasn’t totally throwing myself into work on the ranch, I was drowning in a bottle of whiskey. I had been so angry with my wife for punishing me for our son’s death that that was the only emotion I knew how to feel.
Last night was a complete blur to me with Shelby asking me to come home so we can try to work on our marriage. That she was sorry and she loved me and wanted me as her husband again. How the hell do I begin to absorb those words and move forward with my wife? Can I do that and just forget everything we’ve been through? Fuck! I don’t know where to go from here.
“What are you doing?” I said aloud to myself in frustration.
“Shane, are you okay?”
I didn’t hear or notice Shelby standing behind me, and after last night’s nightmare, I couldn’t begin the morning with another fight. I just couldn’t do it. I let out a breath and turned to face her. She had her arms crossed over her chest with concerned eyes focused on me.
“I’m fine, baby. Nothing for you to worry about.”
“Shane, I know it may not seem easy at first and I know it’s going to take a lot of time to get back to where we were, but you can talk to me. I love you, and I’m here, Shane, and I promise I will never leave you again. Please tell me that you believe me?”
“Shelby, I…”
“Shane, I get it, I really do. I don’t expect our life to just be perfect again or how it felt when we got married and all the wonderful that happened after. Take all the time you need, but please, if you can promise me anything, just please don’t leave me. You said those seven words to me last night and when I promised you that I wouldn’t, I meant it. So, I’m asking the same of you. I honestly don’t know if I can survive another loss, so all that I am asking is that you take some time and think about what those words really mean not just for you, but for me too.”
“Baby, I know and I’m not trying to hurt you here, but I just don’t know what to say that’s not going to come out wrong. I don’t need any more time away from you, but I am feeling kind of confused right now and a little lost, if you want to know the truth.”
“Truth works, and no matter how much you may think it will hurt me, the distance will hurt me more. I take full responsibility for my role in our problems. I am ashamed of that person, and I never want to be like her again. I’m so very sorry.”
I took her in my arms and held her as close as I could. “Shelby, I don’t want to hear one more apology come from your beautiful mouth. I can’t take it, and I’m not sure you can either. I need a shower, and then I have to meet up with the guys. Can we talk later?”
“Of course, we can. Will you be gone all day?”
“Probably, I have some people that I need to see and a lot of fences to mend.”
“They love you, Shane, and I do too. Can I pack you a lunch?”
“No, I’m good. I’ll see you for dinner. If I’m going to be late, I’ll call, okay?”
“Yup, no problem,” she said, trying not to cry in front of me.
She began pulling out pots and pans and started breakfast as if it was just a normal morning for us. I felt horrible.
“Shelby, this is all that I’m capable of right now, but I’m not running, I promise you. I just need to clear my head, and the best way to do that is working the ranch. Please tell me that you understand that? This is not me rejecting you.”
“I understand. Now get going before you lose the morning.” She went back to preparing breakfast.
I decided not to say anything more and just went upstairs to shower. I called Jagger and asked if I could meet up with him sometime today, but his schedule was packed and he would have to see, so that left my father. I didn’t need to call him, as I expected he was probably already waiting for me to show up. I parked my truck and kind of just stayed rooted in my seat, unable to move. I felt numb and not sure of what to do next.
“Are you going to sit there all day? Or are you going to chop some wood? He’s out back waiting for you.”
“Hi mom,” I responded in a defeated tone.
All I could focus on was how Shelby looked when I left her standing in our kitchen this morning. Although I promised I would stay, leaving was leaving, and for all she knew, I may have left for good. My mind was just all mixed up right now, and I hated that I was throwing all these confusing signals at her.
“You okay, son?”
“No, not really, but I’m trying.”
“Are you, Shane? Because it doesn’t look like that from where I’m standing. You look so despondent, and it’s just breaking my heart. I thought you going home was a step in the right direction for you and Shelby.”
“Mama, it was, I guess, but now I’m not so sure. I need time to think, and I don’t really believe that I can just forget the past year and act as if nothing has changed between me and my wife. Can I? Because it sure feels as if everyone in my life wants that.”
“Shane, all we want is you back again. I know history cannot be rewritten, but you are the only one who can decide what today, tomorrow, and the next days will bring. Come on now, get going. I can’t hold him off for too much longer. Your father is waiting.”
I got out from my truck and took my mother in my arms for a warm embrace. She and my father were beyond wise and always guided me in the right direction, no matter if I wanted it or not.
I found him right where I knew he would be. He had split enough logs for two Wyoming winters.
“Hey, daddy, I’m sorry.”
“Here, start chopping.”
“Did you hear what I said?”
He took his ax and slammed it down onto the block. His features had hardened, but he kept steadfast in his stance.
“Did you hear what I said? This wood is not going to get chopped on its own, now get to it.” He tossed me a pair of gloves and walked away.
Three hours later and many piles of wood chopped and stored, I was done. My shoulders were aching, and my muscles burned. Another life lesson on the books from Kip Rhodes.
“Dad, can I talk to you?”
“You know that you can, but I think we need to go for a ride.”
“Okay, I’ll bring my truck around.”
“Not that kind of ride, son. Saddle up a horse, and let’s go.”
Yankee was at my house, so I chose to ride Bullet ins
tead. He would definitely give me a workout. He loved the terrain, and once he was comfortable on the path, he usually took off like lightning.
We were out for about forty minutes or so, and then my father chose a spot that where the horses could rest and for us to talk.
“Dad, what are we doing up here? Are you going to give me another round of tough talk? Because I’ve heard it all before, and I’m not sure if I can handle anything else.”
“You’re lost,” he said.
“What?”
“Don’t stand there dumbstruck, boy! You are so lost that you cannot see straight. If it’s not in the bottom of a bottle, you go catatonic and shut down. You have to rejoin the living, son, before we lose you too.”
“I’m trying, dad. What do you want from me? I didn’t have a clue as to what to say to you this morning, and I don’t know now. You’re right. Everyone is right. I am fucking lost and so far down in my own personal black hole that I’m not sure if I will be able to climb out. Here’s the worst part: as much as I love my wife and want her healed and whole again, I’m so fucking angry with Shelby, and I just want to hit something really hard but get the free pass when I do. I don’t need any more judgment or self-righteous advice. What I need is to go back to the moment when I decided that leaving on a scouting trip was a good idea, and not fucking go!”
“Well, that’s a beginning. You need to talk to your wife, and it cannot be put off any longer. If you two stand a real shot at reconciliation, then you have to communicate with her and not just leave for parts unknown, sinking further down into that hole of yours. It’s time, son, once and for all, to work this out. Because you’re right about one thing: I’m not sure how much more you can take, and that goes double for my daughter-in-law.”
“You know, dad, the last time we had a conversation like this, you punched me out, which I still feel.”
Shane Page 5
