“You’re free to go if you want, but I believe that will defeat the purpose of couple’s counseling. How about we finish today’s session, and if you are still uncomfortable at the end of it, then by all means, don’t come back? I have never forced therapy on anyone who doesn’t want it, and I will not start now with you.”
“Shane, will you stay? You promised to try.”
I huffed in defeat and agreed.
“Now then, since you are my last appointment of the day, how about we start over? And I’ll even consider this session a test run, free of charge.”
“That’s very generous of you, Dr. Whitfield. Thank you.”
“My pleasure. Let’s remove the formalities and make things as comfortable as we can. Please call me Myra, and if it’s okay, may I call you Shelby and Shane?”
“Shane, is that okay?” asked Shelby, as she turned to look at me with her sweet eyes.
I felt like an asshole. The past few weeks had been so great with all the talking we’d been doing, and here I was, fighting the one thing I said I would do to repair our marriage.
“Yeah, babe, it’s fine. I’m sorry.” I cupped her face and gave her a gentle kiss on her lips and then turned back to Myra. “I’m sorry, Myra.”
“No apologies necessary. Okay, let’s begin. You mentioned a hard year; why don’t you tell me about it?”
“I’m not sure if I can. It’s a scary subject, and it makes me afraid.”
“Of what, Shane?”
“Losing my wife.”
“Oh, Shane, I’m right here.”
“Yes, but you were gone for a long time, Shelby, and a few weeks of good will not erase a year’s worth of bad. And by saying that—I don’t mean to hurt you—it just is, and I’m scared. I’m scared of saying the wrong thing. I’m scared that if I do something out of step, it may trigger a bad feeling. I’m scared to work my ranch and fear that you’re angry with me for it.”
“Shelby, listening to Shane tick off a few reasons why he’s reluctant to therapy, how does that make you feel? What are you feeling right now?”
“I agree with Shane about being scared. What he said is true. I pushed him away for a year. I was cruel with my use of words and actions. I basically checked out of our marriage and retreated to a dark place that I never believed I would be able to crawl out of. It took a very special person to make me realize that my actions had severe consequences. It was either get myself together or walk away from Shane forever. Once I was faced with the hard reality of those two choices, I knew how wrong I’d been and how much I’d hurt my husband.”
I held Shelby’s hand and squeezed it just enough to show her that she never had to worry about losing me, because I wasn’t going anywhere. She brought my hand up to her lips and placed a soft kiss on my rough and calloused one. She asked me to allow her to finish. I nodded, and she continued to address the doctor’s question.
“I understand being scared, because I’m scared too. I’m scared that with all the apologies I have said to Shane, that maybe deep down he may not believe me and trust what I say is real. What happened to me, happened to the both of us. I love my husband, and I want my marriage. I’m willing to put in the work if it means I get to have Shane.”
“Okay, but allow me to add something to that. I understand your fear, and I understand Shane’s, but it’s not just about work for you as a couple, but also for you as individuals. Shane is continuing to counsel with Wendy, and you are more than welcome to come here on your own to speak freely with me or seek out someone else, but I cannot stress it enough that in all of this, you still need to put yourself first. If you don’t, and he doesn’t, then it will be extremely difficult to live as one. Okay, that’s it for today. Believe it or not, we did make good progress.”
We left Myra’s office feeling completely exhausted, but in the end, we agreed to continue with couple’s therapy. Shelby signed on for individual sessions there, while I worked with Wendy.
Later that night while in bed, I did my best to communicate what I wanted to say to my wife. “Shelby, I’m really sorry about today. I behaved badly, and hurting you was not part of the plan. I thought I was ready, and then I sat down and felt the walls closing in on me. I freaked. I just want to move forward, but I know we have more talking to do before we can do that.”
“Shane, we have already made positive strides to moving forward. We’re here, right? Sharing our bed together, making love because it’s where our hearts are leading us to, and not doing it because there’s a void to fill.”
“I would never use you, Shelby, I hope you know that. I want to possess you in every possible way, because you want me too. I’m scared of losing you. I’m scared of all the things we wanted for our family, and now we don’t have them. I don’t know how to separate and compartmentalize all these feelings I have.”
“It’s the same for me, babe, maybe more because I carried him for seven months. He was a part of me, and when I woke up in that recovery room, I immediately felt my stomach and knew he was gone. The emptiness was overwhelming. That was the beginning of the dark hole I fell into. I blamed you and exonerated myself. It wasn’t fair to you. I pray that talking it out with Myra and Wendy and talking now like we are will get us to a place where we will not be so scared and those hopelessness feelings will be replaced with happy ones. Ones that we deserve. Shane Rhodes, you are worth it, and so am I. I promise I will try with everything I have to fight for us.”
I let out a deep sigh and wanted nothing more than to lose myself in my wife, but I needed to share one more truth. “After I was told that our son had died, I was beside myself with grief. I was barely holding on and then Dr. Tillman asked me if I wanted to see him. I couldn’t do it, Shelby, especially not without you.”
“You never told me that. Why now?”
“I wanted to be honest and didn’t want any unsaid words between us.”
“I know you don’t want to hear any more apologies from me, but I am so sorry for leaving you all alone when I should have been there for you. I’m here now and for you to give me another chance means so much. I promise that I will not hurt you or retreat to a dark place that you can’t reach me again. I love you, Shane.”
“I’ll never stop loving you, Shelby. We are going to make it, I promise you.”
“I know.”
I was done with talking and flicked off the light while wrapping my wife around me. This day had totally sucked, but while I made love to Shelby, I promised her that tomorrow would be better. It just had to be.
Shelby
It had been nearly a month seeing Dr. Whitfield as a couple, along with Shane having one-on-one sessions with Wendy. They were unbelievably close, and he trusted her a great deal. I only made two individual sessions with Myra and decided that I felt more comfortable with Shane beside me than on my own.
I tried to reason the fact that what I would discuss with Myra would ultimately benefit my relationship with Shane, but I couldn’t help but feel as if I was also betraying him in a sort of way. We needed to be on the same page as a couple, and I truly felt that if we could repair what was broken between us, then I would be fine. Slowly but surely, we were getting there.
The sessions that followed our first meet and greet were establishing who we were and reaching the goals of who we were before losing our son and what would it take to get there again. We both knew it could never be the same more so standing on solid ground.
Myra took turns hitting us both with the tough questions, and today, like all the other times before, she did not hold back. Her aim was at Shane, and every time he squeezed my hand, I was afraid he might have reached his breaking point and throw his hands into the air before walking out on therapy and me. He didn’t though and just sat through it.
Although the question was for him, it hit me straight in my heart. “Shane, we’ve talked about your child. Yours with Shelby, and he’s always referred to as son, child, and baby. Did you name him?”
I watched Shane take
a deep breath, and his features hardened. I knew what he would say, and this was just another moment of truth for him to reveal.
“Yes, we did.”
“And? May I know it?”
“I’m not sure I can do that, at least not right now.”
“Why not, Shane? Perhaps vocalizing his name will release some of the torment you and Shelby feel over his loss.”
“I don’t see it that way, not at all. You see, with Shelby getting injured in the accident and taking all those months to recover, I had to make decisions that were not just mine to make but had to at the present time. Shelby was in no shape physically or mentally to do so, and it all fell down on me.”
“How did that make you feel, knowing it was all on you, where if the accident hadn’t occurred, you probably would have made those decisions together?”
“It wasn’t a good time. I was a wreck and so lost inside that I never knew what each new day would bring. I hated those days with every fiber of my being, and I hated that I grieved alone.”
“Shelby, what about you? Did you grieve alone?”
“Every single day. I couldn’t share what I was feeling. It felt as if I was buried under layers of pain and I couldn’t break free from it.”
“What about now?”
“Now, it’s better. I’m not hiding from Shane, and when I have a bad moment, I share my feelings with him instead of running or pushing him away.”
“That’s a step in the right direction for the both of you. Okay, so now let’s go back to my original question: May I know your son’s name?”
“Why do you need to know? He was our son, not yours, and knowing his name is not going to change the fact that he’s gone.”
“Yes, that’s true, but saying the words aloud may indeed help you. Isn’t that why we are here? You must come to terms with his loss before you move forward with your life. Honestly, I don’t believe you have crossed that threshold as individuals nor as a couple. Saying his name is a freeing exercise. It’s a matter of acceptance. It’s just like visiting his grave. Although you know he’s not there, it serves as a place for reflection. A place you can visit and talk to him. Care to try? Shane?”
“No, I’m not ready.”
“Very well. We can revisit when you are.”
I felt sick to my stomach, and I knew he didn’t feel all that better. On the way home to the ranch, I suggested we stop at the cemetery to visit our son’s resting place. I didn’t know back then that Shane and his family had plots near each other, so the first time going there, I discovered he was buried very close to James “Jamie” Fairchild. How could he not? He was Shane’s best friend next to Jagger, and knowing Shane, he would want his brother in life watching over him.
Shane took the turn off the road that would lead to the cemetery, the sacred ground where our little boy eternally slept. He remained quiet as he held my hand climbing the steep hill. Once we reached the top, I was surrounded by the breathtaking view of King Mountain. I had been up here several times with our family and friends but never with Shane until today.
“It’s beautiful up here, Shane. You chose a beautiful spot for our son,” I said.
Still I was met with silence. He let go of my hand and dropped to his knees in front of the huge heart headstone with a teddy bear attached to its side and footprints etched on the front. I didn’t know for the longest time until Wendy revealed to me that the footprints were of our son that Shane had used from the death certificate.
“It’s beautiful, Shane. I would have never been able to do what you did, and I don’t believe I ever said thank you. So, thank you for doing something I couldn’t.”
I watched his shoulders slump a bit, and then ever so slowly he traced the inscription with his finger and softly whispered what it said. He was so quiet that even though he was saying the words, they were not meant for me to hear.
Heaven will hold you before we do and keep you safe until we come home to you.
In loving memory for our boy, Ryder Shane Rhodes
“Ryder Shane Rhodes. There, I said his name,” he said.
I tried to touch him, but he pulled away and walked away from me. He didn’t go far, just to Jamie’s grave and sat down on the bench that was placed in front of it. I said my prayers for our son and placed a kiss on his stone before walking over to Shane.
“Do you want to be alone? I can walk down by myself and wait for you, if that’s what you want.”
“No, Shelby, it’s not what I want. I never wanted any of this. I’m trying here, I really am, but I don’t feel fucking better saying his name. I want him here with us. I wanted to watch you with him, and I wanted to be his dad and teach him everything, but he died before we had all those things with him, and I’m angry. I’m angry because you grieved, I grieved, but we never grieved together. I grieved over all those gifts we were never able to bestow on him, and I feel cheated. I wanted him so much. Why did he have to die?”
“I don’t know, Shane. I honestly don’t know. People say some children are just not meant for this world but are needed in God’s kingdom. I’m not sure if I believe that, but my mother has certainly told me that over and over again. I stopped fighting her and just agreed with her in the end just so she would stop talking about the predisposed destiny we all seem to have. I’m sorry I took our chance away from having any more children.”
“No more apologies. Didn’t we decide on that already?”
“We did, but I still feel I need to say the words. At least until you believe me.”
He got up, faced me, and then cupped my face in his hands and placed a kiss on my lips that I needed to pay attention to feel. Once he broke the connection, he kissed me again, further deepening the message he wanted to express. “I don’t blame you, at least not anymore. It’s the truth, Shelby. My truth. I. Do. Not. Blame. You. And we don’t need any more apologies, okay?”
“Okay.”
We walked back over to Ryder’s grave and held each other in a warm embrace. We stood there for a long time, and then we made our way down the hill and back home. Later that night, Shane continued to hold me in our bed as he whispered how much he loved me and promised that we would be okay.
What he voiced next took me by surprise, but I wasn’t as shocked as I might have been six months ago. We had come so far in rebuilding our life together, and this was Shane finally voicing what he wanted. “I want to be a father.”
His arms tightened around my body as he waited for me to react to his bold statement, but I was still replaying the six words over in my head. “I want to be a father.”
“Shelby, I never believed I would ever ask you this, but what about the harvested eggs? Do you think we could try? I know it’s completely insane considering we’ve only just started repairing our marriage and what the last year has cost us, but even acknowledging that truth will not stop me from at least exploring our options.”
“Shane, are you sure? Because we would only have—maybe, at best—two attempts of a successful procedure with a surrogate, and if it fails, then it would be another devastating loss for us to go through again.”
“Yes, it would be hard, but why did we harvest your eggs in the first place? We were being cautious back then for no other reason, and then the unthinkable happened and destroyed any chance of you conceiving another child. That miracle is just waiting to come to life. Please say something.”
“Yes, I’ll try but on one condition.”
“Anything, just name it.”
“Please promise me that no matter what happens, good or bad, we won’t allow it to break us?”
“Baby, I promise with all my heart. I love you. Thank you,” I said and held my wife in my arms as close as I could.
Shane
“Are you serious right now?” asked my father as I began to explain how Shelby and I would have a child.
“As a heart attack, dad. A long while back Shelby had frozen her eggs because with her mom and grandmother both being breast cancer survivors, s
he didn’t want to take any chances. I thought at the time she may have been overreacting with her worry, but then I was on board with it. We did the procedure, and honestly, I placed it in the back of my mind and didn’t think of it again until last night.”
“Son, this is a life-changing decision for you two to take on. Are you sure you want to do this right now?”
“Daddy, what do you want me to say? No? Because you know how much I want to be a father, and now it’s within reach of happening? Yes, I want to do this with my wife. Once we find a surrogate, we can begin the process.”
“Shane, please reconsider, at least for the time being. You and Shelby have barely moved past the walking on eggshells stage, and now you just want to jump headfirst into parenting. This is very big. You need to be sure.”
“I am sure! Forget I even mentioned it.” I threw my gloves down and stormed off toward the barn. “You can have Luke help you with the rest. I’m going for a ride.”
“Shane, come back here. Shane!” he called out, but I ignored him and saddled up my horse to clear my head.
“Come on, Yankee. Let’s fly for a bit.” I gave my horse his command, and we took off for my favorite trail. Once we finally reached the pond, I rested Yankee for a bit. I tossed him an apple to nibble on, and then I walked over to the water’s edge to skip some stones across the calm water.
“Fuck! Why does everything have to be complicated in my life?” I asked aloud with no one in sight to answer me back. Storming off was the wrong thing to do, especially having done that to my father, but he pissed me off. I thought I would be given support on this and not the reserved reaction he gave me. Maybe it was too soon to be doing this, but I couldn’t help dreaming about it last night once we finally fell asleep.
Shane Page 7
