by S. M. Shade
It takes a huge effort not to crawl in next to her. Once I’m in my bed with the blanket pulled to my waist, the heaviness of the situation pours over me. She’s right there, and I can’t touch her. It’s a unique sort of torture, missing someone who’s only a few feet away.
The ceiling is my friend for the next couple of hours. Just as I’m finally starting to fade into sleep, I hear her. Barely perceptible in the quiet room, a short intake of breath, a sniff. She doesn’t want me to know she’s crying, but there’s no way I can lie here and listen to her hurt.
“Owen,” she protests when I slip under the covers with her.
I wrap my arms around her. “Shh. Let me hold you. Just tonight.” With a watery sigh, she rolls over and lays her head on my chest.
Silence settles in for a few minutes, and I think maybe she’s dozed off until she says, “I’m so sorry. I know I hurt you. I didn’t mean to.”
Her hair is soft under my hand as I stroke the back of her head. “It’ll be okay, Rem.”
I hope the words are more convincing to her than they are to me, because lying there I know one thing I didn’t want to admit until now.
I’m in love.
Chapter Fourteen
Remee
The pain in his voice shreds me. How did I let this happen? There’s no sleep coming for me as I lie in his arms, knowing it’s the last time I will. I was stupid to think we could take a step back and return to friendship when we’re sharing a room. It’s too hard. Being around him is painful, and I know it’s harder for him. He had hopes we could be together.
We need some space to put things in perspective again or even once we’re back home, it’ll be weird. The decision I have to make is difficult and easy at the same time. Difficult because I’m about to throw away all I’ve worked for this summer and sacrifice a resume building opportunity. Easy because it’s the best thing for Owen. We can’t go on this way. It only took one night to show me that. The thought of night after night of this is unfathomable. I can’t do it to him or to myself.
The loss of the grant isn’t as damaging to me as it would be to him. He needs that tuition and money. There’s no distant father in the picture to pay his way. I can get by.
The little sleep I get is thin and fretful. About two hours before our alarm goes off, I give up, and get out of bed. I need to pack.
Owen, always the heavy sleeper, doesn’t budge while I quietly work around him. It kills me to leave him here alone. Yesterday, Graham was saying he wished he’d drove separately, that he could’ve stayed, since his job is online and can be done anywhere. Maybe if I asked him, he’d want to take my place.
Though it’s early, Serena answers my text informing her of my intention with a call, and I slip out into the parking lot, shielding my eyes from the rising sun.
“Remee, you’re just going to leave?” she asks.
“I can’t stay. It’s too hard for both of us. He wants to be together, and I can’t. I want to go home. Is there room for me to ride back with you guys?”
“Of course there’s room, but…what about your grant and everything?”
It’s a fair question. She knows me and how important this was to me. “I don’t care.” My voice cracks on my reply.
“Okay. It’ll be okay.”
“Graham said something about how he’d like to stay. Will you talk to him and see if he’d really want to? He could room with Owen and ride back with him in a few weeks.”
“That’s a good idea. I’ll talk to him.”
“Will you unlock the SUV? I’ll go ahead and load my stuff.”
The lights flash on the SUV, and we end the call. When I slip back through the door, Owen sits on the edge of the bed. His gaze goes from the packed suitcases to me. “You’re leaving?”
“I’m going home.”
“You’re running away,” he accuses.
Pretty much. “You have three weeks left to get your tuition paid. It’ll give us some time…put some space between us.”
“I don’t want space, Remee!” he exclaims, getting to his feet and running his hands through his hair. It kills me to see him so upset. Owen is the happiest person I know. The one who takes everything in stride with a shrug and a smile. “And you need the grant too! Last night you were worried about being late, and now you’re willing to quit?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. This is my fault. I started it and now…” My chest aches on a deep breath. “It was my mistake, and I’m the one who needs to fix it.”
“We aren’t a mistake!” His hands land on my shoulders, and blazing eyes meet mine.
“There’s no we, Owen. There’s you, who needs to stay. And me, who has to go.”
There’s a knock at the door and Graham calls out, “You decent?”
“Come on in,” I reply.
Graham opens the door and leans against the doorway. “I can come back if I’m interrupting.”
“No.” I grab my suitcases and take my chance to escape. “It’s fine. I’m just going to load my stuff.”
Owen doesn’t speak when I step out, but I glance back at Graham and mouth, “Are you staying?”
He gives me a curt nod, and I feel a tiny bit better about the situation. I’m not leaving him alone in another state, or making him take the trip back alone. He’ll have one of his best friends here. Once I’m gone, he’ll be fine. They’ll probably be out picking up women by the end of the week. The thought sends a sharp feeling through my stomach. Jealousy sucks. It doesn’t care what’s best, just what it wants.
The group breakfast doesn’t happen. After I put my stuff in the car, I go to Serena and Zara’s room. Serena’s the only one there since Zara is helping Marty get packed.
“Do you want to talk?”
With a shake of my head, I sit beside the window and watch the parking lot come alive with people leaving for breakfast or the beach or wherever the day takes them. Owen texts a couple of times, trying to convince me to change my mind but doesn’t come up to confront me. Finally, I see him get into his truck to go to work. The droop of his shoulders puts tears in my eyes.
I hurt him.
Zara bursts into the room with Graham right behind her. “I swear Marty is the most uncoordinated person I’ve ever met. He’s going to kill himself on those crutches.”
“Someone’s going to have to stay with him for a couple of days when you get back,” Graham points out.
“Not it!” Serena and I cry at the same time. It brings a smile to my face despite the circumstances.
“Oh no. I’m not getting stuck with him,” Zara exclaims.
Graham shrugs, leaning against the wall. “You all asked me to stay with Owen.”
Zara shakes her head. “Ugh, let’s get his ass in the car so we can go.”
It’s easier said than done, but we finally get him and his cast situated. Luckily, the SUV has three rows of seats, so we’re able to have him sit in the back and rest his leg on the folded down seat in front of him.
Once everything is loaded and ready to go, Serena turns to me. “Are you sure? It’s not too late to stay.”
I don’t want to leave. I want days on the beach with Owen and nights watching the stars. I want his arms around me in bed and his laugh making me smile. Sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want in the short term for what’s best in the end. Fact of life. “I’m sure.”
Graham hugs me before I get into the SUV. “I’ll keep him out of trouble.”
“No worries there. Stuck with Dad, poor Owen. If I’d stayed we’d have got up to some shit,” Marty claims.
“It took you two days to end up in a cast,” Zara points out, rolling her eyes.
“Because I know how to party.”
“Whatever, I’m driving.” Zara hops into the driver’s seat while Serena claims the passenger one. Since we have a cooler of drinks on the middle seat beside Marty’s propped leg, that leaves me in the back seat with him.
The traffic is light once we get on t
he highway. It’s a beautiful day, full of sunshine, and I think of what Owen is doing now. Up on the roof, working in the heat. Right now I should be painting instead of staring out this window.
I’m surprised to feel Marty put his arm around me when I wipe my eyes. I’m exhausted after getting almost no sleep all night and it doesn’t take long for me to start dozing off. “Lie down,” Marty offers, shifting a pillow onto his lap, and I notice how glazed his eyes are.
“You’re high.”
“As an eagle’s taint. Those pills are awesome.”
“Does it hurt?”
“Not right now.”
He rests his hand on my shoulder when I lie down, leans his head against his headrest and closes his eyes. The hum of the highway beneath the tires lulls me to sleep and when I wake, I’m stiff from the time spent curled up in the seat.
“About time,” Serena calls back. “You two have been out for four hours. Pass me a bottle of water.”
Marty pops another pill while I sit up and stretch. “Pull off at the next rest stop. I have to piss.”
My bladder is screaming at me too, and it feels good to stretch my legs when I climb out a few minutes later. It takes me and Zara to get Marty out of the car. He’s not getting any better on those crutches, but he gets around better using one crutch, and leaning against someone on his other side. When we get to the squat brick building, Marty pauses. “I can’t go in the ladies room.”
“If we let you go alone, you’ll end up breaking something else, and none of us are going to wipe your ass if it ends up being your arms,” Serena retorts.
“So go into the men’s with me.” We can hear voices coming from the ladies room, but not the men’s. No one has come or gone from it since we arrived. It probably is the better choice.
“I’ll go,” I volunteer. As long as I get to pee, I don’t care.
Marty leans on me. “You were always my favorite. Now, don’t be scared when I have to whip it out. It won’t hurt you.”
Serena laughs, walking toward the ladies room with Zara. “We’ve all seen it. There’s nothing to fear.”
“I’m a grower not a shower!” he yells as two women exit the ladies room and break into giggles.
“Ugh, are men’s rooms always this gross?” I ask while Marty hobbles across the damp, paper towel strewn floor toward a urinal.
“Ha! This is cleaner than some. Okay, unzip me.”
“Your hands work, asshole.”
“Can’t blame a guy for trying.”
Marty’s teasing is actually a good distraction right now. I turn my head where I can’t see him pee, but I’m close enough to help if he loses his balance. The sound of it makes my urge to go much stronger. When he’s finally done, I help him to the sink where he can support himself, then duck into a stall.
It’s a good thing I’ve been doing my yoga workouts and my legs are strong because this is a textbook ass hover situation. At least there’s toilet paper. It’s one of those toilets with a sensor that makes it flush automatically and it sounds like a jet taking off. The roar is followed by a gurgling sound.
Oh no.
Foul water starts spilling over the rim in a contaminated waterfall, and I leap back when it gets close to my feet. In a panic, I dash out the stall. A burly man standing at a urinal turns around and holy wow are those his balls? They’re huge! Why are his testicles out?
“Balls!” I shout, staring right at the hairy monsters. My whole body lights on fire, and I correct myself, “Flood! The toilet…water…everywhere.” My brain really isn’t cooperating.
The sensor must be screwing up because the toilet just keeps flushing, shoving out more and more water. The man ignores me and the situation, but Marty’s laughter bounces off the walls. Right, Marty is still waiting at the sink. I rush over, and he leans on me.
“Come on!” I urge, escorting him across the room toward the door. I don’t want that disgusting water on my shoes.
When we emerge, Zara and Serena both stare at us. “What was all that noise?”
Marty collapses on the bench outside the door. “She…toilet…balls out.” His body shakes as he bends over and holds his stomach.
“It wasn’t funny! Do you want pissy truck stop toilet water on you?”
The man who flashed me a record setting pair of testicles exits and walks to his car without giving us a glance.
“I need to wash my hands,” I announce, and escape into the ladies room. It’s much cleaner in here, and I’m the only one inside while I scrub my hands. I’m never going in a truck stop men’s room again.
Marty has calmed down when I return and is in the middle of telling the others what happened. “She just stood there, ball struck.”
When their smiles point toward me, I throw my hands up. “Well, why the hell were his balls showing in the first place? They looked like a chicken skin purse! Guys don’t get their balls out to pee, do they?”
“No,” Marty laughs. “Definitely not.”
The chuckling continues while we return to the SUV and get Marty settled back in again. This time Serena drives, and I’m quick to claim the passenger seat.
“She’s just embarrassed because she had to hold it while I pissed,” Marty remarks when Zara joins him in the back instead of me.
“I did not!”
He grins at Zara. “She shook it more than necessary too.”
Chapter Fifteen
Owen
What the hell just happened? The sun beats down on my back, and I’m glad to be alone on the roof. I hate to be around people when I’m angry, and right now, I’m seething. Remee wanted some space, fine. She wanted to go back to being friends, I went along even though I damn well know we’re more than that, and so would she if she’d quit worrying and stop being so goddamn stubborn.
I can’t believe she left. Just packed up her shit, said sorry and ran the fuck away. Every instinct I have wants to follow her back, but I can’t. I need this grant and I have to stick out the next few weeks.
It doesn’t take long for the rest of the crew to realize I’m in a mood and steer clear of me. Grunting answers and shaking my head isn’t my normal. All except for Colin, who after giving me a few hours, finds me sitting behind one of the houses at lunchtime.
“Want to grab some burgers or something?”
“No thanks.”
He sits beside me and opens the small cooler he brings his lunch in. “Want a sandwich?”
“I’m not hungry.” A smell hits me as he opens a container. “What are you eating?”
“Deviled eggs. My husband makes them. Try one.”
He holds one out and laughs when I visibly recoil. They smell like week old foot cheese. “Hard pass.”
We’re quiet for a few minutes while he eats, and I screw around on my phone, resisting the urge to call or text Remee. How far would they have gotten by now? Is she sorry she left or having second thoughts now that it’s too late?
I notice a text from Marty that’s half gibberish.
Marty: Thes pills r fuuuuckin good. Rest stop balls out, u know that?
Someone’s having fun. Too bad I didn’t have him leave me a couple. Alcohol tonight will have to do.
“Did you and your girl break up?”
A bitter laugh leaps out of my mouth. “As far as she’s concerned we were never together.”
“I’m sorry. I noticed she wasn’t here today.”
“She went back to Indiana.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not even a little bit.”
Colin nods and holds up another disgusting egg, amusement in his voice. “Sure you don’t want the last one?”
“Fuck off,” I laugh, shoving his hand away.
The rest of the work day goes by too fast. There’s no Remee standing by my truck at quitting time, no night with her to look forward to. Instead, Graham waits for me back at the motel. He’s sitting in the same lounger by the pool I slept in my first night here.
Giving
him a wave, I let myself into our room and jump into the shower. It’s everything I can do to keep my mind blank while I get cleaned up and dressed. I don’t want to think tonight.
“Where are you headed?” Graham asks when I scoop up my truck keys.
“Liquor store. Then the beach. Want to get trashed?” A bar full of people isn’t what I need, but a bottle of whiskey and the stars above the ocean, that sounds like a plan.
“Nope, but I’ll go with you.”
A few hours later, I lie on my back, listening to the waves smash against the sand. “Drinking was an awesome idea. This is so much better!” I exclaim.
“Uh-huh,” Graham says.
That’s been his answer to my last few comments. So maybe I’ve screwed up pronouncing a few words but it isn’t like I’m that drunk. “Hey, don’t patton…poton…patronize me.” I sling my arm around to point at him. “Ha! Got it in three!”
“If you pass out here, I’m going to leave your ass on the beach,” he threatens.
“Pfft. Liar. And I’m not going to pass out. So just go suck a cock. A big veiny cock.”
The small group of people walking by escaped my attention until I hear their laughter.
“Dude, there are people around,” he warns.
“So? This is a free country, and I should be able to scream veiny cocks all the livelong day.”
Graham doesn’t reply, and the sound of the ocean is only broken by occasional voices in the distance until I sigh. “Remee and I are done. Over and done. So done. Donion rings.” Despite my heavy chest, a laugh leaps out.
“You don’t know that,” Graham argues. “It sucks that she left, but we’ll be back home in a few weeks and you never know what could happen.”
“I miss her. I’m stuck with you, and you aren’t as pretty.”
“I’m not going to tie you to the bed either.”
“That’s fine. I can be on top.” I glance back to see a smirk on Graham’s blurry face. “You don’t need to babysit me while we’re here. You should be out having fun.” The world spins when I try to get up, but I manage to make it to my feet. Whew, walking drunk on sand is like trying to stand up in a bounce house.
