by Katy Kaylee
I liked the messy wanton look but nodded. “Take your time.”
While she was in the bathroom, I made a quick call to Oliver to let him know that Torryn and I would be out of the office the rest of the day.
“Lucas, I support your efforts to win your woman back, but I have a business to run here.”
“I know. Just today? We’ll be back at work bright and early tomorrow. And I won’t distract her at the office anymore.” At least I’d try. The truth was, she would be a distraction to me. I was powerless against the need to touch her.
“I just need the two of you to do what I hired you to do.”
“Got it.”
“So, I guess this means things are going well.”
I didn’t want to get into my sense of unease with him so I went with the easy answer. “So far so good.” I suppose that was where the apprehension came from. Things were going well. Too well. Not that I expected Torryn to make things hard, but she still hadn’t asked about why I’d left six years ago. That bit of our history continued to hang over us. It was time for me to tell her what happened. At least as much as I could.
I went to the kitchen and put together a plate of crackers, a variety of cheeses, and pulled out a chilled bottle of white wine. I set them on the coffee table, wanting to have this discussion on the couch where we could be more comfortable.
As Torryn came out from the bathroom, she was looking at her phone. “Oliver says to take the rest of the day off.” She looked up at me with one brow quirked up. “Is that you’re doing?”
Jesus, she was stunning. Her hair was down, hanging in thick waves around her face. My fingers itched to dive into that luxurious hair. I jammed my hands into my pockets. First things first; I needed to clear the air with her.
“I let him know we’d be out the rest of the day. I hope that’s okay.”
She shrugged and dropped the phone into her purse.
“I know you’re worried about the job since it’s new. I promised him I wouldn’t distract you anymore after today.”
“Well, that’s a shame.” She flashed a coy smile, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. It made me wonder if she was acting? Was this all a game?
I motioned to the coffee table. “Food’s ready.”
“I’m starving.”
I sat on the couch and poured the wine. Torryn sat next to me, but not too close. Just as well. I had some things I needed to say.
I handed her the wine glass and held mine up to toast. “To reunions.”
She nodded. “I’ll drink to that.”
As she sipped, her gaze held mine over the rim of the glass. “Mmm, that’s good.”
“I’m glad you like it.” I sat back, hoping to appear relaxed, but inside my heart was hammering. It was time to come clean and I wasn’t sure how she’d take it. Then again, if my disappearance had bothered her, why hadn’t she asked about it? Maybe she hadn’t cared that I left. Clearly, she had moved on, getting her education and building a successful career. “You haven’t asked me about what happened six years ago.”
She shrugged. “I figured if you wanted to tell me about it, you would.”
I don’t know why, but her casual response bothered me. “So, you aren’t curious?”
Her eyes narrowed and her lips formed a thin line like she was annoyed. “Are you angry that I haven’t asked?”
“I’m just curious if you ever wondered about me.”
Her eyes flashed with heat and she set her wine down.
Shit, shit, shit…She’s going to leave.
“You have some nerve being upset at me, Lucas. You said you loved me and then left without a trace, and you’re mad that I haven’t asked about it? Do you think I didn’t care that you left? Newsflash, Lucas, you’re the one that didn’t care. You’re the one that left without an explanation or goodbye.” She started to stand.
Panicking, I reached out and take her hand. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Please stay. Please let me tell you what happened. I didn’t want you to leave, Torryn.”
She looked at me like she didn’t believe me. For a minute I thought she was still going to leave. But finally, she reached for her wine glass. When she sat back on the couch, she was further away from me, not just physically, but emotionally, as well.
Knowing I deserved that, I took a breath and prepared to explain. “Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
Her lips pursed and again, I didn’t think she believed me.
“I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t have a choice.”
“Even if that were true, you could have told me and said goodbye.”
I shook my head. “No. I couldn’t.” I looked out the window over the city but didn’t really see it. I was gathering my thoughts and figuring out how much I could tell her without getting either of us in trouble. I turned back to find her staring at me with hard green eyes. “Remember when I used to use my IT skills to access other computers?”
She nodded. “You were looking for information about your mom.”
I realized I hadn’t told her about my mother either. But first things first. “Yes, among other things.” I’d hold off telling her what I’d learned about Ron, and how I’d nearly changed his grades so he’d flunk high school. “The night I left, I had a visit from some men who offered me a job. It paid well and would allow me to see the world.”
“I can’t argue that all this,” she used her wine glass to motion the expanse of my apartment. “is better than staying with me in Louisiana.”
“No. No, it’s not.” I couldn’t have her believe that. Not for a second. “What they gave me has allowed me to have this, but that’s not what the job was.” I hesitated because what I needed to tell her was a secret. But I couldn’t keep it any longer and I had to trust that she’d keep it just like she’d kept my other secrets back in high school. “They were military intelligence, Torryn. I spent four years working for them.”
“Okay.” Her brows drew together as if she was trying to piece together why I had to leave in the dark of night. “You still could have told me.”
“No. I couldn’t. They wouldn’t allow it. Even now, I shouldn’t be telling you.”
“You could have found a way or told them no.”
I shook my head and I moved slightly closer, needing to be nearer to her. “That night I was going to be leaving no matter what. The choice I had was to go with them or go to jail for hacking.”
Her eyes widened. “What?”
“I had two choices, but both required that I left that night. I chose the job thinking when I was done, I’d come back to Natchitoches-- to you.”
“But you didn’t come back.”
“I did, actually, but by then you were gone and living your life. Oliver offered me a job here and I took it.”
She looked into her wine glass, and I knew she was processing what I said. Then her head shook. “I don’t get why you couldn’t tell me. Write, email, text.”
“They told me I couldn’t. I’m still not supposed to tell you. What I did for them—” I break off as the images and knowledge of the things I had to do in name of freedom flashed in my brain.
“What did you do?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “We were in a war, Torryn. They sent me to the middle east. You wouldn’t think a tech geek would see much of anything but…” I didn’t want to get into the details. I’d been spending two years trying to forget. And yet, it all bubbled up. “Jesus, the death and destruction…” I shook my head as it all rushed back. I set my glass down, as the roar of war sounded in my head. I covered my ears as if that would stop it.
“Lucas?” Her arms came around me.
My instinct was to push her away. I didn’t want her to see me overwhelmed by the memory of my experiences. Broken by them. But I couldn’t pull away. Instead, I sank into the comfort she offered. “I didn’t want to leave you, Torryn. You have to believe me.”
She didn’t say anything and the fear that she wouldn’t fo
rgive me mixed with the horrid memories of war.
“I should have gone to jail.” This time I pulled away. I didn’t want pity. I leaned back and scraped my hands over my face, trying to pull myself together.
“No, Lucas.” Torryn cupped my cheek, turning it so that I looked at her. “You made the right choice.”
I shook my head. “Jail would have been better. You don’t know what I saw…what I did. At least in jail, I wouldn’t have had to…” I didn’t want to detail the work I did or what I saw. “You would have visited me in jail, wouldn’t you?”
She gave me a sympathetic look. “Yes, of course.”
I laughed derisively and stood, unable to bear the weight of my choice. I went to the bar and poured a double shot of whiskey. I drank it in a gulp, willing the burn to dull the pain.
“Lucas?”
I didn’t want to look at her. I didn’t deserve to look at her. But at her calling my name, I turned to her.
“I’m sorry you had to go through the horrors of war. I wish I could make that go away for you. But you can’t beat yourself up about it. You were eighteen and didn’t know it would be bad. You made the best choice you could.”
“Did I?” I poured another shot, knowing it would put me too close to drunk but not caring. “I lost you.”
She came to me and took the drink, downing it. “I’m here aren’t I?”
“Are you?” The problem with drinking is that sometimes it makes me say out loud the things that should stay as thoughts in my head.
Her brows knitted together in question. “I’m right here.”
I gathered my wits enough to not push my luck by asking her if she’s keeping up walls. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too. I’m sorry the military took advantage of you.” She stared at me for a moment as if she wanted to say more. Finally, she said again, “I’m sorry”
She put her arms around me again and I let her. I savored the comfort it brought.
“I’m sorry I hurt you, Torryn.”
“Shh…I understand.” She pulled back to look me in the eyes. “If you want to talk about what happened, I’m here.”
I didn’t want to talk about what happened, and yet looking into her green eyes so filled with concern and caring, the floodgates opened and I couldn’t close them. I poured out all the horror and guilt and fear. My body shook with it. Tears flowed, mine and hers. Through it all, she held me. When it was all out, I was exhausted. She put me to bed, and then joined me. She held me through the night, even when the nightmares came.
Chapter 19
Torryn
Lucas was finally asleep after another nightmare jolted him awake. I held him now, wanting to soothe the pain. He accepted my embrace, lying quietly in my arms. But I was awake, wracked with guilt. I had planned to destroy this man’s heart after his soul had been ravaged by war. What sort of person did that make me?
The guilt was doubly worse as I realized that I should have known that Lucas had a good reason for leaving. I’d known him as a trusted friend since I was a child. When we were together that summer, it was like two souls joined. But instead of relying on what I’d known about him, I’d assumed he’d run off without a thought or care about me.
He wouldn’t have done that. That had been my first thought back when it happened. I’d been sure something bad had happened, and I was right. Except at the time, I thought he’d been in an accident or the victim of foul play. The truth was he’d been essentially abducted and forced into war to avoid jail.
While I couldn’t have imagined that’s what had happened, I should have trusted my instincts. He’d never done anything to make me question his honor or his feelings for me. Yet at the first sign of trouble, I choose to believe the worst. In the end, I’d abandoned him.
I supposed the good news was that now that I knew the truth, I didn’t have to be afraid of caring for him. Because I did. I cared for him a lot. Maybe I even loved him. I know I loved him six years ago, and maybe it’s the memory of that driving the strong sense of attachment to him. Did it matter? The fact was, I liked being with Lucas. I liked his humor. I liked how he looked at me. I liked how he touched me. And tonight, he showed he trusted me.
Guilt burned in my gut again as I realized I wasn’t worthy of his trust now. Not that I would tell his secret, because I wouldn’t. But the relationship we had now was born on my quest to break his heart. Now that I knew the truth, I didn’t want to hurt him. To be honest, my commitment to the plan waivered long before he’d shared what had happened. But it didn’t change that my acceptance of his invitation to dinner the other night was solely to make him love me so I could leave him.
I wondered if he had a sense of my plan. He seemed bothered that I hadn’t asked about why he left. There had been moments when I caught him looking at me like he wondered what I was thinking. Like he wanted to be happy that we were together, but he was afraid to because he wasn’t sure where I stood. God, if he knew the truth. I shook that thought away. There was no reason for him to know my original plan. It was dead and gone. I didn’t want to destroy his heart anymore. No, I wanted to put it back together.
His breathing began to quicken and his arms twitched.
“Lucas?” I whispered.
He bolted up to sit and cried out.
“It’s okay, Lucas, shhh.” I sat up and pulled his body, damp with perspiration, close to me. “You’re okay. You’re safe.”
He heaved in breaths as he stared glassy-eyed straight ahead.
“Lucas. It’s Torryn. You’re safe.”
“Torryn?” He turned his head, his eyes finding mine. Finally, the nightmare snapped, and he was back with me. “Torryn.” He dropped his head, resting his forehead against mine. “I’m sorry.”
“No.” I took his face in my hands and gave a small shake to make sure I had his attention. “No, don’t be sorry, Lucas.”
“Maybe I should sleep on the couch. I don’t want to keep you up.”
“You sleep on the couch, then I’ll sleep on the couch.”
His lips twitched up slightly. “It may be a long night.”
“Then it will be a long night.” I pulled him back so that we both lay down in the bed. I rested his head on my shoulder. “I’m here for you, Lucas.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“I know. I forgive you.” I wondered if he’d forgive me for what I’d planned. I didn’t want to know and so I’d keep it to myself. From this moment forward, my goal was simply to see where this relationship with him would go. No hidden agenda. No holding onto the pain and bitterness of what happened six years ago. Starting now, my focus was on the present.
“I planned to come back. I planned to do all the things we’d planned to do together,” he murmured sleepily.
I rubbed his back. “I know.”
“Remember our plans?”
“Yes.” I’d never forgotten, which is probably why I’d been so bitter. I’d invested all my hopes and dreams into those plans. Into him.
“If things had gone the way we wanted, do you think we’d be married?”
I smiled at him. His eyes were closed, his long lashes laying on his cheeks. His voice was a bit dreamy. It was a side I’d never seen of him. “Do you think we’d be married?”
“Yes. With a couple of kids. You wanted kids, didn’t you, Torryn?”
“Yes.” I kissed his brow.
“We’d have the most beautiful kids. The girls would look like you. Gorgeous green eyes. Long, dark hair. But I’d have to kill any man who came close.”
I laughed. “Of course.”
“Or maybe your friend Charlie could do it. Are you still friends with her?”
“Yes. And I’m sure Charlie would love to protect our kids.”
Lucas nuzzled my neck and for a minute I thought he was asleep. “She probably wants to kill me for hurting you.”
That was true, but I opted not to confirm it.
“I always thought she’d end up a Godfather or in
jail.”
I snickered as I agreed with him. I wasn’t sure what Charlie did, but my sense was that not all of it was legal.
“Did she ever do anything to Ron?”
“No.” I ran my fingers through his hair. “But that’s only because I asked her not to. After all, if he hadn’t been such an asshole, I wouldn’t have gotten together with you. So, in the end, I should have thanked Ron.”
A smile spread on Lucas’ lips. “I wish I told you I loved you sooner.”
“It all turned out okay.”
He was quiet again and I settled into sleep.
“Remember prom?”
I shook my head in amusement. He wanted to reminisce. These memories would be better than the ones waking him up in terror, so I indulged him. “Yes. I believe you popped my cherry.”
His hand drifted to my breast and softly kneaded. I wondered if it was on purpose or some sort of sexual instinct. “I loved making love to you. The real thing was so much better than my dreams.”
“You dreamed of me?”
“I used to jack off to thoughts of you.”
I held back the burst of laughter. I wondered if he’d remember this conversation in the morning. “No kidding. What sorts of things did we do in your jerk off sessions?”
He let out a long breath, and again I wondered if sleep had finally claimed him. But then he said, “I used to imagine fucking you.”
“Oh.”
“Fucking your breasts.”
I looked down on him. His eyes were still closed, but there was a smile on his face that had me wondering if he was imagining what he was describing. I wasn’t sure how he could fuck my breasts, but I made a note for us to try sometime.
“Anything else?”
“In the shower, I’d imagine you sucking my dick.”
I smiled. “And yet you stopped me earlier.”
“I won’t next time.”
“Good to know.”
“Did you ever touch yourself and think of me?” he asked.
“Maybe once or twice. The real thing is better though.”
He nuzzled against me. “We have the real thing.”
My heart skipped a beat. I was filled with both hope and guilt. Hope that we were starting something beautiful, and guilt that it began with an evil plot.
