by Katy Kaylee
I wanted her. I loved her. I love you.
But the pain of her betrayal festered like a sickness. How could I get past that? How could her words be trusted?
I’m sure she thought the same thing after you disappeared. And yet she forgave you. My mother’s words came back to mind. What I did wasn’t the same as what she did. I didn’t set out to hurt her. Even now, with all this anger, I didn’t lash out at her to get back at her. Sure, I thought about asking Oliver to transfer her, but I didn’t follow through. You’d think after six years, her anger would have dissipated, but she set out to get me.
I was angry and hurt that you could just walk away from me and into the good life without a backward glance.
I could see how she’d think that. Maybe even why she’d believe it. She had six years to wonder and then there I was. Six years was a long time to believe something.
I hadn’t followed through on hurting her after a week of heart-breaking pain, but if it festered for six years, would that be different?
If I was completely honest with myself, I couldn’t be sure that my avoiding her and withholding my true feelings wasn’t a form of punishment. Truth was, I did want her to feel my pain.
Ah man, I was fucked. I didn’t know what to think. The only thing I knew for sure was that something was wrong with her, and I couldn’t help but want to help her.
I trotted into the hospital to catch up to her. She got into an elevator, but the door closed before I could reach it. I wasn’t sure, but it appeared she’d been the only one in it, so I waited to see what floor it stopped on. I was surprised when it stopped on the second floor, the same floor my mother was on. Was she going to see my mom? I hoped not. If Torryn was sick, she could give it to my mom, who was already too vulnerable to sickness.
I punched the elevator button. When the car arrived, I got in and hit the second floor. Once there, I stepped out and searched the area for Torryn. My mom’s room was to the left, but I caught a glimpse of Torryn being taken to an open area that had stations separated by curtains.
Torryn disappeared behind a curtain with a nurse. I started up the hall but stopped when I saw my mother’s doctor enter the area and go into Torryn’s section. Jesus, did she have what my mother had too? Is that why she couldn’t be a donor? Because she was sick too?
I continued up the hall, but not wanting to interrupt, I stayed to the side.
“The fatigue and nausea aren’t unusual. It can take some people a week to recover from PBSC donation.”
My heart jumped to my throat. Wasn’t that what my mom had needed?
“Vomiting isn’t that common but it could be a side effect. However, the metallic taste is not something I’ve heard of as a side effect, so we’re going to run a few tests.”
“The nurse said that you wanted me to donate more, will this be a problem?”
“Let’s see what the tests say,” the doctor said.
“But she’s okay, right? Did it work?” Torryn asked.
“Mrs. Simmons is doing very well. The extra donation is just in case.”
I wasn’t sure how I was still standing because I couldn’t feel my legs anymore. I don’t know how I moved, but when the doctor opened the curtain to leave, I was standing just outside it.
“Mr. Simmons,” the doctor said. He quickly pulled the curtain closed, but it was too late. I saw Torryn, and she saw me. “Your mother is in her room.”
“I’m here to see Torryn.”
He looked back through the curtain and Torryn must have okayed it as he stepped out of the way. Before he walked off, he said to Torryn, “The nurse will draw some blood and we’ll try to expedite the tests.”
She nodded, but her gaze was on me and she looked devastated. I couldn’t understand why she’d be upset. I didn’t understand why she didn’t tell me.
I stepped up to her wanting to spill all my feelings, but not sure what was going on in her head. “You saved my mom.”
Her eyes closed and tears spilled over her cheeks. But I didn’t think it was from the nurse who was drawing blood. “Yes.”
“I don’t know what to say. I’m so grateful.”
She turned away from me.
I waited until the nurse left to say more. “And confused. Why didn’t you tell me? You had to have known when you were in Louisiana.”
She nodded, but still wouldn’t look at me.
I stepped in front of her and used the crook of my finger to turn her face to me. “What’s going on Torryn?”
She sniffed and I grabbed a tissue from the box on the counter. I handed it to her even though what I wanted to do was kiss each and every tear away.
“When I got the call that I was a match, I didn’t want to say anything at first because they said there needed to be more tests and I didn’t want to get your or your mom’s hopes up. And later…well, you were angry at me and then…”
She didn’t have to finish because I knew. I’d left because I learned she’d wanted to hurt me. I had to accept that.
“Does my mom know?”
She let out another cry. “Yes. But I asked her not to tell you, so don’t be mad at her, Lucas.”
“Why?” I didn’t understand this woman, yet even so, I couldn’t stop loving her.
She looked down. “I didn’t want you to feel indebted to me.”
I frowned. “Why not?”
She wiped her tears again. “If there was a possibility that you’d give me another chance, I wanted it to be because you forgave me and loved me, not because you felt like you owed me.”
“But I do love and forgive you.”
She shook her head. “Maybe now that you know I helped your mom, but you didn’t in the car.”
“I’m not sure I forgave you in the car, but I know I loved you. I know I’ve been torn in two with wanting you but being so damn scared to give you a chance.”
“I know. It’s unforgivable. I told you I didn’t deserve you.”
“You forgave me.”
She looked up at me with those beautiful, but teary green eyes. “I did. Even when I didn’t want to, I did.” She let out an awkward laugh. “I can’t help but love you. But I also know that if I was in your place, I’d wonder if even that was part of the plan.”
I nodded. “I won’t deny that I’ve been stuck on that. But when I think about how you held me when I told you about my time in the military or during my nightmares. And yes, the way you stepped up to help my mom. A cruel vindictive woman wouldn’t do that. And when it comes down to it, Torryn, I can’t help but love you too.”
Her lips teased up into a little smile and I took a chance and gave her a light kiss. She immediately started crying, startling me.
“I’m sorry.” She waved the tissue at me. “I don’t know what’s come over me. I guess I’m just overwhelmed.”
“You’ve been under stress, physically and emotionally.”
“I’ve been wracked with guilt, Lucas. God if you only knew. I wanted to tell you the truth, about how at first I wanted to hurt you, but I was so afraid I’d lose you if I made that confession.”
I put my arms around her and pulled her to me, resting her head on my shoulder. “It’s the same reason I resisted telling you about why I left.”
“What I did was worse.”
“Yes, but maybe you can offer to make it up to me.”
She pulled back and grabbed the lapels of my coat, gripping them as if she’d never let them go. “Will you let me? I’ll do whatever you want to show you that I love you.”
“Anything?” I gave her my cocky smile, hoping it would relieve some of her stress.
“Yes. Name it.”
I thought for a moment. “Can I fuck your tits again?”
She barked out a laugh. “Oh God Lucas, of all the things you could ask for and that’s what you want?”
“I want more than that. I want to work things out with you.”
Her eyes teared up again and this time I kissed the tears that fell. “Tell me thes
e are the happy tears.”
“Yes. So happy.”
I held her for I don’t know how long, but I’d have stayed there forever because the moment was perfect. It was like all the bad was washed away. We were starting new with a clean slate.
“Excuse me.” The doctor stepped in again. “I have to speak to Ms. Williams. You can wait in the waiting area up the hall.”
“No that’s okay.” Torryn took my hand. “He can hear whatever you have to say.”
The doctor shrugged. “The good news is that you’re not seriously ill.”
“Is there bad news?” I asked, gripping her hand.
“Well, we’d hoped we could withdraw more stem cells, but we won’t be able to do that for some time.”
Torryn looked up at me with sorrow in her eyes. “Oh God, Lucas, I’m so sorry.”
“What’s wrong. Is she sick?” I didn’t understand. If she wasn’t seriously ill then what was stopping her from donating more stem cells?
The doctor looked at me and then Torryn as if he wasn’t sure if he should say the next bit of news with me there. Finally, he said, “Ms. Williams, you’re pregnant.”
We both froze for a moment.
She looked at the doctor. “How is that possible? I’m on the pill.”
“It happens sometimes. The thing is, your test came back negative when we did the initial donor tests, so that means you got pregnant after that. Since we drew the cells only three days ago, chances are you were pregnant then.”
“Will the baby be alright?” Instinct had me pressing my hand on Torryn’s stomach.
“Well, if we’d known about it, we wouldn’t have done it. Studies so far don’t indicate any negative effects of filgrastim, the injections she had before the donation, on pregnancy, but there aren’t many studies on it either. But the other concern is the recipient.”
“Oh no…” Torryn burst into tears again.
I pulled her close. “Why?”
“Sometimes pregnant women’s blood has antibodies that can cause the recipient’s body to reject the donation. Now so far, everything looks good for your mother. I expect to be sending her home soon, but I will need to do some more tests and watch her a little more carefully in the coming weeks.”
“So, everything with the baby and Mrs. Simmons could be fine.” Torryn wiped her tears.
“I’m going to say there is a good chance, but we need to watch.”
“What about Torryn? What about the metallic taste? Was she poisoned?”
The doctor smiled. “No. That’s dysgeusia, a lesser-known but not necessarily uncommon side effect of pregnancy. For most women, it ends after the first trimester. It might make you dislike some foods you normally used to enjoy, but it will go away eventually. Do you have an OBGYN?”
Torryn shook her head. “I just moved here.”
God, had it only been a few weeks? It felt like a lifetime.
“I’ll give you a referral. Be sure to make an appointment soon, and I’ll send over the information about your procedure here so it’s on record to watch during the pregnancy.”
“Thank you, doctor.”
When he left, Torryn looked up at me with stunned eyes.
“You okay?” I brushed a tendril of hair from her face.
“If you’re with me, I’ll be okay.”
I grinned. “Torryn, I’m elated.”
“Really?” Her smile was apprehensive. “You don’t look elated.”
“That’s because I’m a little worried that you’re not sure about this.”
Her smile widened. “All I’ve ever wanted was a life with you. And a great career.”
“Well, look at that. You’ve hit the jackpot because you’re about to have both.”
Chapter 37
Torryn
I suspect the only reason I still have a job after missing so much time during my first month of work is that Lucas is deliriously happy and Oliver knows I’m the reason for it. It’s clear to me now how important Lucas is to Oliver, and I’m grateful for it.
After making up and discovering I was pregnant, Lucas took me to his home and set into motion moving me in, getting me time off for another week, and ordering everything a baby could possibly need.
I spent as much time as I could, telling him how much I loved him because I never wanted him to doubt my sincerity.
What we hadn’t done yet was tell anyone about the baby. But it wasn’t easy to keep the secret, especially for Lucas. Already, I knew he was going to be a fabulous father and I was eternally grateful that I got to be the woman who gave him children.
While the recommendation was to wait until the second trimester to announce a pregnancy, we finally agreed to tell our families. We started with an early morning call to my parents.
“Everything okay, ma petite beignet?” my father asked while he and my mother video-chatted with me and Lucas.
“Yes, daddy. In fact, Lucas and I are going to have our own beignet.”
My mother’s brows shot up to her hairline. My father’s mouth spread to the widest grin I’d ever seen. “Did you hear that, Essie. We’re going to be grandparents.”
“I did.” My mother smiled, but she didn’t look sure.
“I’ve sent you a very special wine to celebrate,” Lucas said.
My mother perked up at that.
“When are you due and when can we spoil our grandchild?” my father asked.
“About eight months.”
“You look happy.” That was mother-speak asking if we were happy.
“It was unexpected, but we’re thrilled.” I knew my grin would tell her everything she needed to know.
“I’m over the moon.” Lucas gave me a loud kiss on the cheek.
“Congratulations. When you have sonogram pictures, be sure to send them. We’ll stick them on the fridge.”
My mother gaped at my father.
“What?” He said. “That’s what you do. You put grandchildren pictures on the fridge.”
I laughed. “I love you guys.”
Later we, headed to Lucas’ mothers’ home. She’d been out of the hospital for a few weeks, but Lucas arranged for her to have help available. Not that she needed it. While she was still fatigued, all tests indicated that the donation worked, and her body was accepting my blood cells.
“Look at you two. I think you two look happier every time I see you.”
She took a seat in the small living area.
“We’re happier every day.” Lucas sat on the couch, taking my hand when I sat next to him.
She looked at us expectantly, as if she knew something was up. I suspected she thought it would be an engagement. While we hadn’t gotten to that, it was only because we were in pregnancy mode.
“We’ve got news.” Lucas grinned at me. “You want to tell her?”
“You tell her.”
“Someone tell me. I’m getting older by the second.”
“Torryn and I are having a baby.”
“Oh my.” She leaped up and hugged me first. “I knew it.”
“You did?” I asked.
“I knew you two were meant to be. And now I’m going to be a grandma. Oh, Lucas and Torryn, you’ve made me the happiest woman in the world.”
I didn’t correct her, because I knew without a doubt, I was the happiest woman in the world.
After that, we went to work. I was a little apprehensive on my first day back because who knew what the Stoogettes would do. I knew now that they hadn’t messed with my coffee but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t.
But when I walked by the assistant area, there wasn’t a single Stoogette.
“What happened?” I nodded toward the work area as I whispered to Lucas.
“I fired one and had the others exiled to other departments.”
I shot him a look. “Why?”
“Because you thought they poisoned you.”
“But they didn’t. That was a pregnancy side effect.” I rubbed my belly, loving this baby with everything
I had, but hating that it made eating much less enjoyable. In fact, in the first month, I’d lost fifteen pounds. Lucas had been worried, but my doctor wasn’t concerned. I hoped she was right that this metallic taste in my mouth would go away in the second trimester. I really missed good food.
“But you thought they did. You’re not one to accuse people of terrible things without some reason. I pressed one of them and they told me some of the things they’d been doing. Jesus, Torryn, why didn’t you tell me?”
I shrugged. “Mostly they were annoying.”
We parted when he dropped me off at my office.
“I’ll pick you up for lunch.”
I tried not to grimace at the idea of food. “I’ll be here.”
At lunch, he took me to the employee cafeteria, which surprised me, until I realized he was showing off. He wanted them all to know we were together. The two remaining Stoogettes ignored me, which was better than getting the stink eye.
After work, he picked me up again, and we rode the elevator down, took a car together, and arrived home. Our home. Granted, it looked more like a bachelor pad, but I didn’t care. As long as Lucas was there, it could be a cardboard box. The only downside was that Lucas hadn’t touched me, or more accurately, made love to me since we reunited. At first, I didn’t feel well or I was tired. But when I did feel better, he resisted. He seemed to be concerned about the baby. At our last doctor visit, I made sure to have her tell him that it was safe to have sex. Even then he seemed resistant.
I wasn’t showing yet, and coupled with the weight loss, and swelling breasts, I looked like a porn star. Because I was in dire need of an orgasm, or two, I decided to use these assets. I found some of my sexiest action wear and put it on while Lucas made dinner, which no doubt would be full of iron and other nutritional goodness.
“Ready to eat?” Lucas asked as he steamed up the kitchen.
“Yes.” I stood by the dining room table.
He turned to me and dropped his spoon. “Torryn.”
“Yes, Lucas.” I rested my hand on the table and popped my hip, hoping I looked sexy.
“You forgot to put clothes on.” He turned off the stove and moved toward me.
“Did I?” I looked down to the red push-up bra that barely held my breasts, and the matching red panties, along with the red stiletto heels. “No, I didn’t.”
