“Your contract. I figured you needed a reminder that unless I fire your ass or you’re leaving for medical reasons, you’re under one hell of a noncompete for the next decade. By the way, I asked Kate to pull this up for me since I didn’t want to trip any alarms. When she did, she did a little snooping in your drive.” Eli shrugs as my shoulders begin to shake with suppressed laughter. “What the fuck is going on with the terms on the Enclave deal? Did you forget we like to make money in this company?” Yanking out sheaves of paper, he waves them in my face.
I grab them right out of his hand and point to the words at the top. “You and Kate need to look at the headers and footers more carefully, my friend. D-R-A-F-T—it’s there for a reason. This is a template, you ass.”
Eli mutters, “I knew that.”
Sobering, I whisper, “I don’t know what’s going to happen when I tell her.”
He tosses the file back onto his desk. His hand comes up to clasp me on my shoulder. “If she’s half the woman I already know she is, she’s going to have your back, Ry. She’s in too deep not to.”
Eli’s reassurance goes a long way, but it still doesn’t altogether remove the fears that when I tell Kelsey the truth about the kind of man I am, the kind of person who hid from his own pain and fears rather than stand up for what was wrong before it was too late, that she’s going to turn away.
And there’s a part of me that understands if she does because isn’t that what I’ve been doing since it happened?
Chapter 38
Rierson
Carefully, I pull my car beneath the opening garage door with smooth precision born only of long practice. Kelsey’s BMW is parked outside, and it suddenly strikes me as wrong. Lisa’s spending more time at Cade’s than at home lately. I frown, wondering why tonight, when I expect Kelsey to run and never look back, is the night I’d notice I should have adjusted the parking situation.
Sighing, I slide from my vehicle. Chalk it up to yet another way I didn’t protect her, though this transgression is so minor I doubt she’ll hold it against me, not when she has so many others she can hurl at me. Especially after tonight. Grabbing my briefcase from the back seat, I make my way toward the house. Lost in my misery, I don’t feel her presence until I’m almost on top of her.
“Hey,” Kelsey says softly from where she’s waiting at the back door.
I flinch away from the warmth of the lights from the kitchen shining behind her. “Hey,” I say just as I climb the stairs slowly, putting off the inevitable as long as I can.
She reaches out a hand, which I avoid in the dim light. Like I pretend not to notice the flash of hurt that crosses her face when I do. Instead, entering the kitchen, I’m punched with a one-two to the heart because not only has she been waiting on me, Kelsey has something delicious-smelling cooking on the stove. The smell wafting toward me reminds me of everything I’m about to lose. I wonder if I can do a lap outside before coming back in. I wonder if I can beg her forgiveness for being an ass before talking to her about so much more.
“Another lap around the room. And this time, you’d better shake those asses like the tadpoles you fucking are,” Balboni jeers. The three of us, naked after being ordered to strip off our suits, prance around the locker room to the snickering catcalls of the seniors… I shudder as memories I’ve been suppressing for far too long start to bombard me where they never should be able to touch me.
I worked too hard, gave up too much, for it to hurt me or anyone I loved. Ever.
“Long day?” Kelsey’s voice is uncommonly neutral. I pause for a moment, surprised she’s letting me get away with the slight I delivered a moment ago before shrugging out of my jacket. Instead of tossing it and my briefcase on the nearest surface, I hold them both in my arms like centuries-old armor.
“That’s an understatement,” I reply. Pain lances through me as Kelsey holds her place, her countenance becoming more uncertain until she finally retreats behind the stove.
“I don’t know why I had the urge, but I felt like making stew despite the heat.” She lifts the lid, and the smells that tantalized me before wraps around me in the best and worst of ways.
An unexpected burn pricks the back of my eyes. God, how the hell am I supposed to survive having my heart ripped from my chest while I’m still living? “That sounds…” I clear my throat. “Amazing.” Because on any other night, it would. It’s not Kelsey’s fault the idea of putting a piece of meat in my mouth and chewing makes me want to sprint for the nearest bathroom. “Do you think it will hold?” I ask softly.
That’s when her body visibly locks. She squares her shoulders before turning to face me. “What’s wrong?”
I open my mouth and realize I need to be in the one place where no matter what, I’ll feel her presence after she’s gone—my study. After all, it’s the place where we began, so why shouldn’t it be the place where we end?
“Do you mind coming with me for a moment?” I don’t even recognize the sound of my voice. “I need to talk to you about something that’s happened.”
Kelsey spins around, a dripping ladle clenched in her hand. Her breath is coming out uneven as she flings it to the side. “Tell me.” Her voice is accusatory.
Tell her.
“I don’t know how to begin,” I start slowly.
“How about what’s her name?” Kelsey asks bitterly, wrapping her arms around herself.
“What?” What the fuck is she talking about? I take a step toward her, but she backs away.
“You look guilty as hell. I can’t remember the last time you touched me, and you sure as fuck can’t look at me,” she ticks off. “Let’s not mention you look like you slept in your clothes, and I know damn well you didn’t leave here looking like that. So, I’ll ask again, what’s her name?”
I fall back against the island in shock, inadvertently blocking her in. “How could you think I’d cheat on you?” I demand angrily, the shields of my jacket and briefcase falling helplessly to the floor. My hands clench in fists as I prepare to defend myself against these insane accusations. “Jesus Christ, Kels, I haven’t been with anyone else since well before we reconnected.”
She doesn’t say anything, clearly not believing me. Ironically, my sense of honor, broken and bloodied since the call this morning, manages to stumble to its feet. “What on earth is going through your mind?” I demand.
“I…” She puts her hand on her forehead and shakes it, almost as if she’s awoken from a crazy dream. “Maybe it’s because I’m me and you’re you? Maybe today’s the day you realized in comparison to other women, I’m just not worth it? Maybe because you’ve been hiding something from me for weeks, and I just finally figured out what it is? Who it could be,” she corrects herself.
“I haven’t been hiding a damn thing from you. Certainly not another woman,” I growl.
“No? Then want to count the number of times you’ve touched me since I told you about Max?” There’s a sharp pain in my heart at her accusation.
“What?” I rasp out. No, what she’s saying isn’t possible. Is it? Frantically, I think back. I know I’ve lain next to her every night. Have I held her in my arms? There’s no way I’d have been able to sleep without her; she’s become such a part of me.
“All this?” She flings her arm out to encompass the table I never even noticed was set for an intimate dinner for two. “Was to try to get you to talk to me, Ry. I feel like I’ve been lying next to a stranger for the last two weeks. And you stand there and dare to wonder what would make me believe you’d turn to another woman? Well, the answer is you’re not turning to this one.”
“No one could ever change what you mean to me,” I breathe, barely able to stop myself from reaching for her to reassure her.
“Then maybe you can explain why you’re over there looking like we’re coming to an end and I’m over here praying I just have an overactive imagination,” she whispers.
I close my eyes, tortured, and hear her say menacingly, “That’s what I thoug
ht. Give me a few minutes and I’ll be out of your—”
I open them just as she’s about to make her way past me. I reach out and hook my arm around her waist.
“Let me go.” She struggles as I angle her to face me.
“It’s not what you’re thinking. I swear.”
Shoving out of my arms, she races out of the kitchen. I follow on her heels, bellowing her name, “Kelsey!”
“Just leave me alone!” she cries out wildly. Her head swivels to the left, to the right, before she bolts to the place I need her the most.
I follow at a much slower pace. Even if she tears out of the study in a few minutes after hearing the truth, I need to repair what I broke between us long before tonight. Crossing the threshold, I find her standing in front of the frame she gave us, which hangs in a place of pride behind my desk. In the dim light, I can’t see her face; she might prefer it that way. But I need her to see mine.
I quietly close the door before I flick on the switch that turns on the lamps by the sofa. “Kelsey…”
“Just tell me why?” Grief is etched on her face. “I deserve that.”
I nod. She’s right; she does. “It started a long time ago…”
Grief is washed away by bitter anger. “You bastard.” She makes her way around the desk to storm out, but my next words stop her in her tracks.
“I was fifteen the first time it happened.”
“You’ve been together with someone else since you were fifteen? Someone from…Forsyth?” Confusion and hurt swirl across her beautiful face.
I need to clarify something to save her heart for the next man lucky enough to have it. “No, Kelsey. You’re the only person I’m with. I swear to you on my parents’ lives, on Lisa’s, that I’m not cheating on you.” The hurt falls away, leaving only confusion, which spurs me to go on. “How could I when I know the only reason my heart beats is because of you?”
“Then why…” She clamps her mouth shut, refusing to ask.
I walk right up to her and drag my fingers down her face. She turns away as if my touch adds to her pain. “I didn’t realize I’d shut you out, love. Which is crazy because my mind can’t think past loving you and how everything that’s ever happened to me or I’ve ever done will send you running for the door,” I admit.
“Then tell me. It can’t be anything worse than what I’ve imagined the last few weeks,” she pleads.
I shudder. “I’m so afraid you’re going to turn away when I do.”
“Ry?” A million questions are swirling in her gray eyes. And I don’t want to answer a single one, but I know I’ll have to. Before I do, I lean down and brush my nose against hers to seek permission for the kiss I need so desperately.
Tipping her head back, she brushes her lips delicately against mine—a sip of water in the barren desert. “There’s only one thing you could do to drive me away. And if this has nothing to do with another woman…” She chews her lip vulnerably.
I shake my head. “Never. I still can’t believe you’d ever think I’d cheat on you.” Somehow, my pride finds a way to glare at her in disbelief.
“Who was the blonde?” Her question stops me cold.
“What blonde?” I’m confused as hell.
“The one you were having lunch with last week when you said you were too busy for me to come by. Angel and I went out instead. I saw you. I tried to talk to you about it that night when you came in here to work.” Her voice is low and filled with pain.
I get it way too late. I groan, but before I can begin to explain, she continues. “That’s the only thing that could drive me away. All I’ve ever wanted is in this room, the feeling of being complete with someone else. I was so positive I had it, and then…”
“My love, that was Callie—Eli’s future sister-in-law. You must not have seen him, but there was a third person with us. She and her colleague Adam needed some legal advice on expanding their bar in the Quarter.”
“Oh.” Kelsey tries to shuffle away in discomfort, but I won’t let her. I’ve done too much damage. These are questions she should have been able to have asked me last week if it hadn’t been for my withdrawal. “You two seem close?”
“I’m closer with her fiancé, Declan, in the same way I’m close with the whole Boudreaux family.” That shoves me back to Eli’s office, where his words from earlier come back to me. Don’t throw it away because you think you’re a victim of anything.
Taking a deep breath, I ask, “Do you remember Tom Balboni?”
With a pained gasp, she reels back. “Remember him? I’ll never forget him since I was one of his favorite targets. Why?”
“Because you weren’t his only one.” Aching, I reach up to touch her cheek again. This time, her hand reaches up to hold mine in place.
Hesitantly, she asks, “What…what do you mean, Ry?”
I tell her brutal truth. “Though you were the one Balboni played with publicly, for those of us he had a crack at privately, he dubbed it hazing. And let me assure you, the sick pleasure that bastard found in torturing the people he ‘liked’ almost makes me wish I was someone he despised.”
“No.” She shakes her head back and forth.
“It always started the same,” I continue as if she hasn’t spoken. “There were three of us…” And for long minutes after, I describe in detail what we endured behind closed doors.
And even though I can honestly admit to myself, now, I’ve lived our entire relationship in fear of this very moment. But now the time has come. The truth of my past pours out of me, one helpless episode at a time.
I realize she’s not saying anything, nor is she moving. But there’s a fire in her eyes that sparks an odd caution in me. Maybe in all the bitter despair that’s been darkening my soul, I found the spark of hope I need to light it.
Chapter 39
Rierson
“Why are you telling me this now?” To my shock, Kelsey hasn’t moved an inch. I’ve lost all track of time, and this is the first she’s said a word. I’m taking it as a good sign she didn’t go bolting for the door during my explanation.
“If I had my choice, I never would have told you,” I admit honestly. She flinches, her head whipping away as if I’ve struck her. “Do you think I want to admit to my biggest shame?”
“What do you have to be ashamed of?” Hearing that makes my heart ache. I rub a hand over my chest, trying to ease the pressure while she rails on, beautiful in her fury. “You did nothing shameful, Rierson.” Her hands land on her hips as she squares off against me.
“What about what I did to you?”
“What about it?” I draw back in confusion. She steps forward. “What’s changed except the level of hatred I hold for the people who hurt you, hurt me, the same ones who threatened your sister?”
It can’t be that easy, can it? I shake my head in denial.
“Yes, Ry.” I’m stunned when she answers me because I have no idea I’ve spoken aloud. Then she confuses me by saying calmly, “So, what you’re telling me is that it was Max’s fault he’s been bullied at school.”
“The fuck it is!”
“Are you sure? It’s not his fault for not taking the jeering about his sexuality better,” she pushes.
Is that what it was? God, I’ve missed so much. Then her taunting words register, and my temper rises. “What’s wrong with you? Of course it isn’t!” I explode. I take a step to put myself back into her space when she wraps her arms around my waist, surprising the hell out of me.
“Then how could I blame you for the same thing? What would ever make you think I’d blame you for being harmed and exploited?” A lone tear rolls down her cheek.
“Don’t cry,” I rasp out. I don’t think I can handle her tears.
“I can’t help it. I always tear up when the hero shows up.” A second follows the first. Automatically, my hand reaches up so my thumb can brush it away. Instead of letting my hand go when it would have moved away, she grabs hold of it. Turning, she presses a kiss in the center of m
y palm. Leaving her lips there, she whispers, “I will always wish this never happened to you, but I think you forgot something after you got that call from your father today.”
My head swimming, I barely manage to rasp, “What’s that?”
“I’m not the same girl who left her demons behind fifteen years ago. I’m the woman who went back to face them. And I’m strong enough to help you do the same.” Reaching up, she cups my face. “Don’t you dare forget it again.”
I’m sure there must be some prayer I’m supposed to say to thank God for the woman in front of me; I don’t know what it is at the moment. When I do, I’ll be on my knees saying it over and over. Right now, all I can do is lean my head down against hers.
If I didn’t feel so weak, I’d feel selfish absorbing the strength she’s pouring into me, especially knowing the emotional turmoil she’s been under the last few weeks. I don’t know how long we stand there in the study in the shadows of our past. Each time her mouth opens, it’s to whisper words of encouragement and love. The first few times, I froze, almost panicked, at the idea that would be the moment Kelsey would finally walk away.
Eventually, a shudder runs through me. Her arms hold on tighter. “When do you leave?” she asks me quietly. During my explanation, I told her about my father’s call and what happened back in Savannah.
“I have a flight out tomorrow night.” I’d give anything to not have to go but not because I’m selfish, simply because I wish this had never happened. Even though I feel like I’m reliving what happened to me so long ago all over again, the pain John’s grandson is feeling is fresh. It should never have happened. “Maybe, if I’d been stronger…” I don’t finish the sentence because Kelsey grabs my face.
“You can’t feel guilty about those you weren’t able to save.” Her voice is scratchy.
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