by Heide Goody
The former Empties walked with us out across Jaffle Park. People from across the city were coming to meet us, carrying armfuls of clothing, food and freshly prepared hugs. A woman dropped to her knees before me, holding up a pile of clothes as an offering.
“Claire?”
She looked up with a tight look on her face. “Alice, it’s come to my attention that I might have treated you badly,” she said.
“Might,” I agreed.
“Anyway, given your new status, I wonder if you’d like some nice clothes?”
I shook my head. “Claire, I don’t have status. I’m an enabler, not the queen of the world. Please, share your things with those who need them.” I walked on, proud to make a stand against selfishness and snobbery. I spun on my heel and whipped a particularly colourful dress from the top of her pile. “Although this looks nice. I might take this one.”
Helberg linked his arm through mine as we walked. “You are an amazing human being,” he said.
“Indeed,” I said.
“I would very much like to kiss you, Alice.”
I thought about it for a short time. “Very well, Patrick,” I said.
We stopped and faced each other. Wiggler and his friends played and cavorted at our feet. I leaned in and we kissed. It was my first proper kiss. Ever. We’d probably get better at it with time and practice.
“So?” said Helberg. “What do you think?”
I looked at the piglets. “I think I might have to give up bacon,” I said.
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Clovenhoof by Heide Goody & Iain Grant
Charged with gross incompetence, Satan is fired from his job as Prince of Hell and exiled to that most terrible of places: English suburbia. Forced to live as a human under the name of Jeremy Clovenhoof, the dark lord not only has to contend with the fact that no one recognises him or gives him the credit he deserves but also has to put up with the bookish wargamer next door and the voracious man-eater upstairs.
Heaven, Hell and the city of Birmingham collide in a story that features murder, heavy metal, cannibalism, armed robbers, devious old ladies, Satanists who live with their mums, gentlemen of limited stature, dead vicars, petty archangels, flamethrowers, sex dolls, a blood-soaked school assembly and way too much alcohol.
Clovenhoof is outrageous and irreverent (and laugh out loud funny!) but it is also filled with huge warmth and humanity. Written by first-time collaborators Heide Goody and Iain Grant, Clovenhoof will have you rooting for the bad guy like never before.
F. Paul Wilson: "Clovenhoof is a delight. A funny, often hilarious romp with a dethroned Satan as he tries to adjust to modern suburbia. The breezy, ironic prose sets a perfect tone. If you need some laughs, here's the remedy."
US: http://www.amazon.com/Clovenhoof-ebook/dp/B008PYLULG/
UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Clovenhoof-ebook/dp/B008PYLULG/
Oddjobs by Heide Goody & Iain Grant
It’s the end of the world as we know it, but someone still needs to do the paperwork.
Incomprehensible horrors from beyond are going to devour our world but that’s no excuse to get all emotional about it. Morag Murray works for the secret government organisation responsible for making sure the apocalypse goes as smoothly and as quietly as possible.
In her first week on the job, Morag has to hunt down a man-eating starfish, solve a supernatural murder and, if she’s got time, prevent her own inevitable death.
The first book in a new comedy series by the creators of ‘Clovenhoof’, Oddjobs is a sideswipe at the world of work and a fantastical adventure featuring amphibian wannabe gangstas, mad old cat ladies, ancient gods, apocalyptic scrabble, fish porn, telepathic curry and, possibly, the end of the world before the weekend.
US: https://www.amazon.com/Oddjobs-Heide-Goody/dp/0993365531
UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Oddjobs-Heide-Goody-ebook/dp/B01GVT13XQ
Snowflake by Heide Goody & Iain Grant
Lori Belkin has been dumped. By her parents.
They moved out while she was away on holiday, and now, at the tender age of twenty-five, she’s been cruelly forced to stand on her own two feet.
While she’s getting to grips with basic adulting, Lori magically brings to life the super-sexy man she created from celebrity photos as a teenager.
Lori learns very quickly that having your ideal man is not as satisfying as it ought to be and that being an adult is far harder than it looks.
Snowflake is a story about prehistoric pets, delinquent donkeys and becoming the person you want to be, not the person everyone else expects you to be.
US: https://www.amazon.com/Snowflake-Heide-Goody-ebook/dp/B07F3X4XF2
UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Snowflake-Heide-Goody-ebook/dp/B07F3X4XF2
