An anticlimactic end to what she had hoped to achieve here. And to what had actually happened within these walls.
Her gaze slipped to Cav. He was sitting all the way across the music room from her. Twenty steps or less, but it felt like an insurmountable distance. He smiled at her and lifted a glass in mock toast.
Perhaps that should have put her at ease, that friendly little look he’d given her a thousand times, but it somehow didn’t. She still had no idea how to feel, what to do, what to say to him. And at any rate, the smile didn’t reach his eyes. Not anymore.
“My lady?”
Emily started as she realized she had not yet responded to Lady Hickson. “Yes, very nice,” she managed weakly as Cav looked away.
Lady Hickson wrinkled her brow. “You don’t sound very convincing.”
Emily bowed her head as heat flooded her cheeks. “I apologize. I don’t think I’m much good company at present.”
Lady Hickson caught her arm and drew her farther from the crowd. Her expression was seeking and worried. “Emily.” She accentuated Emily’s given name. “You and I have only been passing friends over the years, but I have made an observation of you in that time. You’ve seemed…troubled since the ball last night.”
Emily shut her eyes briefly. Since Cav’s confession. She’d tried so hard to not let anyone else see her feelings, but clearly she had failed. But how could she not? To know what was in his heart…what had been in his heart for their entire friendship…
It had changed her irrevocably.
Virginia was still talking. “Since you’ve been so kind as to include me here, to offer me kindness at a time of year that is usually difficult for me, might I offer you some of the same in return?”
“How?” Emily croaked. “How could you help me?”
Virginia squeezed her arm. “I could offer an ear, if you need it. A talk, widow to widow.”
Emily shifted and her gaze returned to Cav. She did so desperately need to speak about what had happened. Just to say it out loud in the hopes it would stop repeating in her head over and over and over again. “I-I normally speak to him about my troubles.”
Virginia followed her gaze and her eyes went a little wider. “Ah, I see. Am I to assume that he is your trouble now?”
Emily glanced at her. Virginia had never been anything but kind to her. She was not known as a gossip. Perhaps this was a risk she could take. Needed to take.
“What I’m about to tell you is intensely private,” she whispered. “May I count on you to keep your counsel?”
Virginia held her stare. “I swear to you on the soul of my dearly departed mama, whatever you say shall never find any other ears from me.”
“Things between Cavendish and me have…shifted here,” she admitted, and felt her cheeks burn with the intimacy of what she was saying.
Virginia swallowed. “Shifted. What do you mean?” Emily worried her lip and raised both eyebrows gently. Now it was Virginia’s turn to blush. “Are you speaking of…physically?”
“Yes,” Emily whispered. “I’m speaking of exactly what you think.”
“Oh my,” Virginia gasped. “I thought you two were only friends, despite some murmurings to the contrary.”
“We always were friends until…” Emily let out a long sigh and then leaned closer to whisper the story to Virginia. Of the affair. Of Cav’s confession of a decade of secret love. And when she was finished, Virginia looked as shocked as she, herself, felt.
“So for nine years…” she breathed.
Emily nodded. “Yes. So he says.”
“And you didn’t know? That is like something out of a book!”
Emily hesitated. It did seem like something out of one of her beloved novels. The ones she read out to Cav in the winter when he came to call. He’d lounge on her chaise, eyes closed, a contented smile on his handsome face. And afterward they’d eat supper together and discuss whatever latest adventures had been had in the pages. She shook the thought away.
“I didn’t see,” Emily said. “But now all I can do is see. And recognize how the signs of his feelings were before me all along.”
“What do you mean?”
Emily glanced across the room at him again. Cav was talking to Allington, now. His expression was serious. It was so rarely serious that it made her catch her breath.
“All the times he looked at me, smiled at me from across a room like this. All the times he sat with me, the only one who didn’t tell me I must stop crying or overcome my grief after Andrew was gone. All the times he cried right along with me. All the times he teased me or encouraged me or supported me…I realize now all of those were his declarations of love.”
Virginia blinked, and there were tears in her eyes that matched the sting in Emily’s. “But what about you?”
“Me?”
“You two have always been thick as thieves,” Virginia said. “What about all the times you did the same things you’ve described Mr. Cavendish doing?”
Emily bent her head. She’d been so focused on Cav that she’d been ignoring her own heart. Perhaps because exploring that heart would lead to a response to what he’d told her. Something that would change things between them, no matter what she decided about the future.
But that was unfair to him. Unfair to herself. At some point she had to stop being a coward.
“At first my responses to him were truly only in friendship,” she said. “But I suppose, when I think about it, when I truly consider the last few years especially…” She trailed off. “Oh, Virginia, I don’t know what we’ve shared, what I’ve done is anymore. Or was. Or what it could be. I’m just so confused because now it’s all colored by what he has said.”
Virginia caught her hands. “Hush now, don’t get upset. How you feel is completely understandable. It’s a great deal to think about.”
“It is so much,” Emily agreed. “What he has told me could change everything in my life. Everything in my future. It has already changed our friendship, our connection.”
Virginia squeezed her hands gently. “May I make a suggestion?”
Emily nodded. “I would take any I can get at this point. Please, help me!”
Virginia smiled at her. “Don’t rush this.”
“But—” Emily began.
Virginia laughed. “I can see that is an anathema to you. You seem the sort of person who likes to have an answer right away.”
“Yes. I’ve always gone with my instincts when it comes to what to do.” Emily huffed out a breath. “I plan parties with birds as the centerpiece within weeks, I change my hair on a whim, I don’t know what I want until the exact moment I want it. How can a person like me come up with an answer for a man who has…plodded along with his affection for a third of his life? He’s been pondering this, Virginia, if you can imagine such a thing.”
Virginia’s laughter continued. “The fact that you can tease about it is a good thing. But that vital part of your personality, that impulsiveness that makes you so much fun to be around…I’m not sure that is the right answer here. Mr. Cavendish was right when he said he’s had years to understand his heart. To come to grips with these emotions that now bubble between you two. You have had what…just a bit more than twelve hours?”
Emily glanced at the clock. “Fifteen hours, twelve minutes…give or take a few seconds.”
“Then I do not think that asking him for a few days, at a minimum, is expecting too much.”
“No,” Emily agreed. “And he would never demand me to do what I wasn’t ready to do. He never has, has he?”
“It seems not. So take the gift he’s giving you, the time he’s giving you, and truly consider what you want. Not what you think you should want. Not what he wants. Not what could happen or not happen no matter what decision you come to.” She squeezed her hands. “Emily, this is your heart, your future. It shouldn’t be considered lightly.”
“When I met Andrew, it was a lightning bolt for both of us,” Emily said with a sad smi
le, for she could no longer maintain the playfulness when it came to this subject. “I knew and he knew and everything fell into place perfectly. In this situation, there is so much more to determine. I must take the time and be more deliberative than my heart would perhaps like to be, I know you’re right.”
“I am.” Virginia glanced off toward Cav.
Emily followed her gaze. He was in profile now, standing with a handful of the men in attendance. He smiled and her heart fluttered.
“Do consider this, though, along with all the rest,” Virginia continued. “You were a lucky woman to marry one love of your life. Many in our circles don’t even get that. But to have two? That would make you charmed, indeed.”
Emily pursed her lips. “It is nothing to dismiss out of hand.”
“Indeed, it is not.”
Emily let out her breath in a long sigh. “I think I must speak to him. Let him know I’m going to take some time after the party, so he’ll stop jumping every time I look at him sideways.”
“Is he jumping?” Virginia said with a laugh. “He seems steady enough to me.”
“Yes, but I know his tells,” Emily said.
Virginia nodded. “Of course you do.”
Emily squeezed Virginia’s hand lightly. “Thank you.”
She heard Virginia’s response as she walked away, but could not have repeated it back to anyone if asked. She was too focused on Cav now. Especially when his gaze fell to her and sent a ripple of response through her.
She could only hope he would understand her need for time. And that if she took enough of it, her tangled mind would find the answer she sought.
* * *
Emily was coming toward him. He felt that before he turned and saw it was true. She was weaving her way through the crowd, a nervous look on her face that made him just as wary of what was about to happen. But he fought to keep his own expression clear and forced a smile as she reached him.
“Emily,” he said. “You and Lady Hickson seemed to be engrossed in important talk.”
Emily glanced over her shoulder. Lady Hickson had moved back into the crowd and taken a seat beside Wentworth Highsmith to watch the musicale continue.
“Perhaps my matchmaking failed on the whole,” Emily said. “But I think I have come out of this with a new and potentially very true friend. So I will count it as a success.”
“Good,” Cav said. “I hated to see you batter yourself over your plans.”
She smiled at him. “Yes. You are always looking out for me, it seems. More so than I even realized.”
He shifted, for the praise for what he thought of as a cowardly act was difficult to take. “I also protected myself, I fear.”
“Why would you not?” she asked. “Don’t judge yourself, either, Cav.”
“Is that what you came across the room to tell me?” he asked.
She caught her breath and he could see her discomfort as plain as her eyes or her hair or her pretty green dress. “Could we…could we step onto the terrace a moment? I need a moment of privacy with you.”
His hands shook, so he gripped them into fists to settle them as he said, “Of course. It’s not as cold today.”
They moved to the terrace doors and slipped outside together. Though it wasn’t as chilly as it had been during the party, the afternoon air was still brisk. But he hardly noticed the discomfort as he stared at her.
“What do you need to say?” he asked, breathless.
She worried her hands in front of her. Clenching and unclenching, over and over. “Everyone is leaving tomorrow, back to London or parts farther flung. And I know you were supposed to stay for luncheon and make your way back to London in a caravan with me. But…” She shook her head. “I think it might be best if you left with the rest of the party.”
All the blood left his limbs, and Cav had to clear his throat to find his voice. “I-I see. You do not wish me here anymore?”
“It isn’t that,” she gasped, and stepped toward him. “Cav, I realized today that since you confessed to me all I’ve thought about is you. What you think, what you’ve felt, what you want…and if I am to take this seriously, I’m going to have to take a much harder look at…at me. What I feel. What I want. What I need from a future either with you or alone. And I won’t be able to do that with you at my side, or even back in London together when I’ll know you’re just a quarter mile away.”
His heart jumped. This did not seem to be the rejection he’d feared. At least not out of hand. “I see. Then what will you do?”
She looked around. “I’m going to stay here a while. I was going to come back in a week or so to make final arrangements for my personal effects anyway. This will give me the chance to do that and to have a more private goodbye with the servants who have served me so well this past decade.” She blushed. “And to think about what you told me without…distractions.”
He nodded. What she said made sense, of course. And he wanted her to have all the time she needed to make the best decision for herself.
But oh, how he wished that what she’d been calling him here to do was to throw herself into his arms. That it would be as easy for her as it had been for him on a long ago night that often felt like yesterday.
“I understand,” he said with difficulty. “Do you…know how long you’ll be?”
“A few days?” she said. “And I will write you when I return to London. But I may need even more time than that, Cav. I don’t know. I don’t want to mislead you on that score. Because I do care so very deeply for you.”
He almost laughed. He had declared his love and she said she cared deeply. That stung when she meant it as a balm.
“I appreciate it,” he choked out. “And I do understand. I hope you will find the answers you seek, Emily. You deserve them and to be able to make whatever decision is right for you.” He stepped a little closer. “Because I want you to be happy, no matter what that looks like.”
She shook her head slightly. “Yes. You’ve more than proven that, I think.”
She shivered, and he shrugged away his troubles. “Now you’re freezing. Let’s go in. We won’t speak of this again until you are ready to do so.”
“Cav,” she said as he turned toward the door.
He flinched as she said it. “Yes?”
“Thank you.”
The words softened him, and he nodded before he motioned her back inside. And as they parted again, it felt a little more permanent. He could only hope that was a trick of his imagination and not the harbinger of things to come.
Chapter 15
Cav nursed a drink as he watched his grandfather pace his parlor, eyes that looked so much like his own storming with every turn.
“Does she not know what a catch you are?” he snapped as he flopped himself down at last on Cav’s settee and grabbed for the whisky Cav had poured him right before confessing the entire tale of what had happened at Emily’s Christmas party.
The weight of it had become so much harder to bear as the days had passed, and then a week. She’d returned to London the night before, but he’d had no message from her yet. Just the rumors through their shared friends that she was home.
It did not bode well.
“I’m certain she’s well aware of my financial and social benefits, yes,” he said, his tone dry as the desert.
The marquess snapped his gaze to Cav’s face. “That isn’t what I mean at all.”
“No?” Cav said as he sipped his own drink. “I cannot imagine what other advantages you think I could offer the lady.”
His grandfather scooted to the front of the settee and draped his elbows over his knees. “I have watched you pine for this woman for well near a decade,” he said softly. “Offering her everything she could ever want or need all while you remained silent about your own desires. She would be lucky to be loved by a man like you. She would be lucky to love you in return.”
Cav smiled slightly. “You are not often prone to waxing poetic about emotions, old man. But I
appreciate your thinking so highly of me. Also, I adore you too.”
His grandfather grunted and glared at him, but Cav could see the twitch to his lips. The playfulness that had always existed even if they quarreled. At least he knew he would have his family at his side if everything went…wrong…with Emily.
Cav pushed to his feet. “I cannot be angry with her, though. I don’t wish for you to be, either. After all, she has a right to her feelings, doesn’t she? I cannot and would not ever force her to try to change her heart out of some sort of…obligation.”
“But you are disappointed that she has left you hanging so long.” A statement, not a question.
Cav bent his head, all pretense of playfulness gone. He could not tease, not about this. “I admit, I had some dream in my head that I would declare my heart and she would immediately confess to similar feelings. Or that within a day or two, she would recognize the joy we could bring to each other for the rest of our days. I would have liked it to be…easy…after so many years of battling my feelings.”
His grandfather nodded and his expression had softened. “I would have liked that for you, too, Cavendish.”
Cav sighed. “But all I can do now is wait, isn’t it? And hope the cards fall in my direction.”
“I suppose that is all you can—”
Before his grandfather could finish, the door to the parlor opened and Cav’s butler, Jennings, stepped into the room. “Pardon the intrusion, Mr. Cavendish, my lord. You have a caller, but I wasn’t certain if you would wish to receive her as you have a guest.”
Cav blinked. The guest was a she. He exchanged a quick look with his grandfather as he rose to his feet and faced Jennings. There must have been a great deal reflected on his face, for the normally straitlaced butler seemed concerned for a brief moment.
“Who is it?” Cav asked, his voice barely carrying no matter how much he tried to make it seem strong and unaffected.
“Lady Rutledge, sir.”
Cav reached back to steady himself on the chair he had abandoned. His legs suddenly felt like he’d been at sea and his vision blurred slightly.
Mismatched Under the Mistletoe Page 14
