I lay here in bed tossing and turning, unable to shut my mind down. Part of me is afraid to sleep because I’m tormented in my dreams either by those creatures or Jack but then I’m tormented during the day by my own thoughts. I truly can’t win. I learned a long time ago that my dreams are a self-reflection of my subconscious and I have the power to stop my enemies in my dreams. I’ve tried many times before, but the dreams continue. I reach over to flick on my bedside lamp and decide to write in my journal. Writing has been the best therapy for me.
Mirror Mirror
I look in the mirror and all I see
Is all the hurt that pained me
I wish I may, I wish I might
Make this pain go away tonight
I pray that this is the day it’ll go away
Or the day that my love will stay
I was once loved and now it’s gone
How am I ever going to move on?
Who will love me even though my innocence is lost
Who will love me from the depth of their heart?
Mirror, Mirror on the wall
Please tell me why I continue to fall?
I dream of man who chased me but sparked an ignition inside
I dream of another who lies, steals, and belittles me and takes all that I have
I dream of a beginning so electrifying and sweet
I dream of a middle so satisfying and rich
I dream of an end that’s out of reach.
So tell me mirror, mirror on the wall
Please tell me where do I start
How do I heal my broken heart?
By
Jaycee Callhoun
I reach over, place my journal on the bedside stand and turn off my light. If only shutting off my light was as symbolic as shutting off my mind. Why do I feel so lost and incomplete? I need to find a way to relax and get some rest. Tomorrow is our class trip to Washington D.C. to visit the national museums there, as well as the space center and an art gallery.
I snuggle into my bed further, rolling onto my stomach, bending my leg at the knee and shifting my foot out from under the cover. I place one arm under my pillow and let out a sigh, now I can sleep.
“Check” I hear Jack say. I start running and hear the branches and twigs crunch from the ground below. The air stops moving and all I hear is silence. I don’t even hear the water run or the birds chirp. I scream as loud as I can. “Help me, someone please help me.”
“Nobody is here to help you, Jaycee,” Jack snarls. “I’m coming for you and when I do there will be no place to hide”
“ Argh, please let me go,” I plead. “I don’t know you, please don’t do this me.”
Suddenly I realize that I’m dreaming. I stop running and turn to face him and confront the man in my nightmares.
“You have one chance to tell me what the fuck you want, otherwise you are dead to me. You will not chase me or frighten me anymore,” I scream.
“You’ve awoken my beast and he’s calling for you, he wants you my taube,” he whispers and blows me kiss than suddenly vanishes.
“Come back here and face me you coward,” I demand.
“Jaycee, honey wake up. Are you ok? I think you are having another bad dream,” I hear my mom calling for me.
I stir to her voice and open my eyes in her direction.
“Listen honey, I think we need to talk about this. Your nightmares are happening more frequently.”
I rub my face and eyes and let out a sigh, “I’m okay mom. They are just dreams. I can’t control them and I can’t stop them. I’m sorry that they are disrupting your sleep.”
“It’s not my sleep, Jaycee, that your nightmares are disrupting, it’s your sleep. You are restless, sleep deprived and did I mention…sleep deprived? Soon that will take a physical, psychological and emotional toll on you. I think you need to talk to someone.”
Now I’m angry.
“Talk to someone? Like who, a shrink? Mom, I’m fine…they are just dreams. Can you predict what you dream about? Sorry my dreams aren’t about unicorns and happy freaking rainbows. A shrink is not going to be able to tap into my subconscious and command my nightmares to stop.”
My mother sighs as she changes the subject. “It’s four thirty in the morning. You need to get up and get ready because you need to be at the school in an hour.”
“ Okay kids, everyone pile in the two buses and we will take roll call then,” Mr. Fritz yelled aloud to everyone. “Stop shoving, we’ll get there in no time. No need to rush,” he continued to yell.
“Hey Mr. Fritz, you may want to yell louder. I don’t think the boys in the back heard you,” I snickered at him, as I boarded the bus.
“Yeah, yeah, just keep moving, Jaycee.”
Mary, Amy, Bo and I board the bus. Lindsey, Natalie, Pixie and April follow behind too. We sit closer to the back of the bus and all pair up occupying the two adjacent rows next to each other.
“Can you believe this is our last class trip? I still wish we could have gone on the fairy cruise like we were supposed to that would have been much cooler.” Amy shouts, while the others nod in agreement.
“Eh, it is what it is,” Lindsey pipes in. “We have much more fun on our own without chaperones. Maybe when we can all go on a cruise after we graduate.”
“Not me, I want to go on an actual cruise, or travel to Ireland, but wherever we go it has to be legal for us to drink. That way I can have a kick ass time,” I laugh.
“What’s so special about Ireland,” Pixie asks.
“It’s the land of leprechauns don’t you know,” I turn my back to face her. “I’m hoping to find my own special leprechaun with his special bag of charms. He can whisk me away in a medieval castle on top of mountainous terrain with the ocean below and all the townspeople will be fun-size, just like me.”
Completely out of nowhere I got hit in the back of the head by a hacky sack.
“Oops, sorry about that, Jaycee,” Sean yells.
“You want your ball back do you,” my eyes twist into a wink and the corner of my mouth rises into a smirk.
“Yes, I do,” he pleads. “Please be careful with it…it’s the only one that have.”
“Oh, Sean.” I responded, teasingly, as I squeeze the ball tightly. “I’m sorry to hear you only have one ball. Hopefully it is still functional.”
“It’s always functional,” he counters back with a huge grin. “Let me know when you want to give it a test drive.”
I toss the ball back to him, “Nah, I’m good. Save your only ball for someone who cares,” I sigh aloud and sit back in my seat. This is going to be a long day.
Before long, we were in the heart of D.C.
“Now kids, we are on Pennsylvania Ave,” Mr. Fritz announced over the bus’s loud speaker. “If you look off to the right you’ll see the White House. Look how magnificent the building structure is. You don’t see that kind of architecture like this every day. Newer buildings constructed are more modernized and lack the historical ‘wow’ factor with the intricate detail. Please get your belongings together. Our first stop is the National Air and Space Museum.”
Jaxon
6 years ago
Crouched down in the bush, I watch her sleep through her bedroom window. She lives in a moderate size ranch style home, where her bedroom window is in the front of the house to the right of the front door. Her bed is next to the window, flush with the window ledge. Her blinds are pulled mid-way, just enough to show her beauty to anyone driving by. Her television is on with an infomercial playing in the background.
I was growing concerned when she didn’t return home at the anticipated time. I learned that her bus was late getting back from her class trip today. She came home and trolled through her phone for a while before she peacefully went to sleep.
I’ve been tracking and watching her for a month now, ever since I came back from my mission. I learned that a boy named Wyatt Bennet came to her rescue the day that I chased her. I also learned that sh
e is madly in love with him, which angers me a great deal because I want her affection. I wanted to be her first for everything. I can be very selfish and demanding and I won’t tolerate anything less than what I want.
I need to learn more about their relationship and how I can infiltrate and deescalate it. What I’ve gathered in the month of watching her is that he does not feel the same way. Instead of letting her go, he keeps her hanging on to ‘maybes’ to hide the fact that he’s afraid to be alone. I’ve learned that he’s currently shacking up with a girl across town, but calls Jaycee every so often to keep her connection to him alive. I would like to have sit down with this boy to learn his intentions and make my intentions clear.
Even by watching from a distance, I know so much about her. She cares passionately for her family, for animals, and she strongly believes in doing the right thing. She is haunted by a past that I can’t erase from her memory, but I can right the wrong and offer her peace of mind. It practically tore me in two listening to her nightmare last night. I desperately wanted to reach through the window and comfort her but right before I was going to make a loud noise in an attempt to arouse her, her mother came into the bedroom.
I need to determine what my plan is. I know my end goal is to have her, but I also need to figure out when I will step in and end her life as she knows it. Once I have her in my grasp she will never be the same.
Dawn is starting to break. I need to get myself covered and hunker down under the bush below her window. I give her parents credit, they have beautiful landscaping in the front of their home. Crimson fire loropetalum, creeping gardenia, kaleidoscope abelia and hydrangea compliment each other well. It’s a beautiful array of color with yellow, purple, green and pink. I wonder if they landscaped their home themselves or if they hired a professional landscaper do the work for them.
I can hear movement in her room. She lifts her window partially open. I wonder what she’s doing. Why is she opening her window?
“Wyatt, did you sneak up to my bedroom window again last night,” she asks. “You’re lying because I see your footsteps in the grass. Well you’re the only one that sneaks up to my house in the middle of the night asking for me to come out and play as you like to put it.”
“Jaycee, I’m telling you it wasn’t me.” I heard Wyatt explain as she places Wyatt on speaker phone. “I stayed at a friend’s house last night. I’m not even at my parents’. I told you I’m not staying there as much anymore. I am almost 21, I’m trying to get out on my own.”
“Well somebody was here in the middle of the night. The footprints look fresh.”
I crouch down further out of sight as I hear a faint shutter sound from a camera.
“I just sent you a picture of the footsteps in the yard directly in front of my window,” Jaycee paused for a moment and continued with a softer tone. “On a different note, when do I get to see you again? I really miss you.”
“Look, Jaycee I told you in my email that I don’t feel the same as you do,” he snaps, sounding annoyed. “I really like you and I value our friendship but that is all. I’m trying to get my life figured out; besides you need to go to college and make something of yourself.”
I can sense her mood shift a little. Her voice trembles as her words of concern sneak out. “Did I not mean anything to you,” she asks. “I gave you my innocence when I told you I wanted to wait until I was married. I wanted my first time to be special with someone who loved me too. You told me you loved me too. Was that a lie? I feel like this whole relationship, or friendship, as you call it, was all a lie. Wasn’t it? I don’t understand what I’ve ever done for you to be embarrassed to be with me. You are one of my best friends. You found me on my worst day and saved me. You breathed life back into me when I was dead inside. What changed? I don’t understand.”
“I can’t have this conversation right now Jaycee. I’m at my friend’s house,” Wyatt yells back to what sounds like a female voice talking to him. “I’m coming,” he continues with Jaycee. “Look I need to go. My friend needs my help.”
“What friend Wyatt? Who is she?”
The silent pause is deafening and he neglects to respond to her. What a coward.
“I’m such a fool,” she cries. “Don’t bother calling me back. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. Have a nice life Wyatt.”
She disconnects the call, her voice still trembling and shaking on the verge of losing it. She begins to cry hysterically. I don’t blame her. I would be heartbroken too. She placed her trust in a man who told her he loved her just to capture her innocence. It’s a shame young girls believe those lies. I would love to break that fucker’s nose right now.
“What am I missing? God this hurts so bad. Nobody is going to want me now. I gave up the only valuable thing I have to offer.” She cries to no none but herself, as she starts reading aloud, what I assume, is the coward’s aforementioned email.
May 10, 2008
Dear Jaycee,
What’s up? Not much here. So I heard you’ve been talking about me to Shannon and she told me that you said that you wanted to go out with me but you didn’t know what I wanted. Well, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what I told you and I meant what I said but I don’t know if that’s what I want. I don’t know but I’m really confused. I do know that I don’t want you waiting around for me just in case you are not what I want. And, honestly, I’m not sure I am what you want either. I don’t know, maybe I am or maybe I’m not.. I do know that I should not have said what I did because it is not fair to you and I am really sorry for saying it, but that is how I felt at the time. I am sorry and I don’t want you being mad at me for it, but if you are I understand. You don’t have to buy me the PlayStation. I don’t want you or your friends thinking I used you for it. As far as I’m concerned, I’m an ignorant piece of shit and I don’t deserve a friend like you. I think I hurt you one too many times and I will understand if you don’t want to talk to me again. You deserve better than me anyway. I know you don’t like Aaron but if you don’t go out with him than I hope you can find somebody like him because he really cares about you. I can tell and I don’t think he has a mind that changes like mine does. I don’t think he will hurt you like me or Jack has. I know you don’t like him but I don’t think you should let a good thing get away from you trust me it hurts. I ought to know I’m doing it right now but there is so much in life I want to do and I’m trying to figure that out. None of it is around here. I want you to go to college and be somebody. Don’t wait for me because I’m nothing to wait for. I know this is only my opinion and you don’t have to listen to me but I really think you should give Aaron a chance. Well, gotta go.
Ps. Please don’t be mad at me or hate me but I had to tell you before you really got hurt. I’m sorry
Wyatt
W/B (write back)
I feel awful. I am witnessing her heartbreak and I am not able to comfort her. I’m thankful I was in a position to hear her phone conversation and that she read the letter aloud. I need to infiltrate myself into her world now. I know what I’m up against and can plan, accordingly. The difference between Wyatt and me is that I don’t lose. I don’t play childish games. I fight for what I want and I don’t stop until I get it. What lover tells the other person to date someone else? In telling her that, it silently told me that he doesn’t have any respect for her.
Well, Wyatt, let’s see how her dating someone else does you make you feel. Aaron isn’t a threat to you because you know she doesn’t like him so, it’s easy for you to say that she should date him. Let’s see how it makes you feel when she’s with somebody who could actually be a threat.
Jaycee
6 years ago
I sit on my bed with my phone clutched in my hand. I debate whether or not I should respond to Wyatt. Does he deserve a response? Is it time to say good-bye to what will never be?
I open his email and click reply. I start to write exactly how my heart feels right now. It takes no time to express the turm
oil inside.
What You Taught Me
You have touched my heart,
When no one gave me a chance.
You have made me a part of life
At such a short glance.
You gave me the will to dream,
And the desire to see life as it seems.
You gave me the fear
of how life can be ever so real
You taught me to stand up for my rights
And do what I believe
But what you didn’t teach me
Was how to love me!
I sit back and keep rereading what I wrote as the tears fall from my eyes. Why should I give him the satisfaction of showing him how deeply he’s hurt me? I wish it was as easy to move on, as it is to express those exact words.
I save the poem as a draft, but decide I’ll never share it with him.
I don’t understand what I did wrong with Wyatt. Did I try too hard? What hurts me the most is I trusted him with my innermost secrets, my aspirations, my dreams, more importantly my heart. He laughed with me, sometimes he even laughed at me. Maybe his feelings for me were fake, but I know our connection was genuine. It felt right. My intentions were pure. I really thought he was my soulmate and that our connection was unbreakable.
I need to learn how to let go, to be able to move on with my life, and not look back. I don’t want to look in the mirror that’s constantly showing repeats of all my failed relationships. All I see is too much sadness and regret. I’m not sure my heart will ever recover, but I know I have to. It’s not healthy for me to dwell on something that’s reached the end. Grief and heartbreak are like weighted blankets that hold you down, suck you in and keep you there.
Shattered (Guardian Series Book 1) Page 5
