by Gina LaManna
“What do you want?” The wariness in my voice was obvious, even to myself.
“Can’t I just say hello to my almost-cousin?” he retorted.
“Uh, hello.” I waved, feeling a lot like Meg and Clay.
“You got an invite to Vivian’s wedding, yeah?” Joey asked.
It was a rhetorical question, since Vivian was my cousin, and you don’t not invite Family to a wedding. Unless some serious bad shit had happened. Like, if you’d killed the wrong person or stolen from the Family.
“Yes.” I cleared my throat, wishing the very bad feeling in my stomach would go away.
“You got a plus one?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“Who?” Joey got real close to my face.
“Clay.” I said the first name that popped into my head.
Clay’s eyebrows shot through the roof, and Meg looked murderous.
“You’re taking your cousin?” Joey looked skeptical. “I see a problem with that, honey. Clay got his own invite.”
“So?” I asked.
“Take me.”
“What? No. That’s weird. Why would I do that?” I stepped backwards, away from his overly minty breath. My stomach roiled—it was as if his tongue was made of spearmint. How had Vivian ever found this man attractive?
“Because I want to go, and Vivian should’ve been mine.” A vein pulsed in Joey’s forehead.
“That’s exactly why I can’t take you,” I said. “If Vivian wanted you there, she would’ve invited you. And since she didn’t, it’s not my place to take you. Plus, that’s just odd. People don’t go to their exes’ weddings as a general rule.”
“That’s not true,” Joey said. “I’ll pay you.”
“How much?” I asked. “Not that I’m considering it.”
“Five grand.”
My mouth parted a little bit, though I wish it hadn’t. “What do I have to do?”
“Nothing. Well, something. We drive up there together since I currently don’t have a car. We can take these two goons with us.” He glanced at Meg and Clay. “Other than that, we just have to stay in the same room. I get to be your plus one, so we might have to sit next to each other at dinner, but that’s it. After I’m in the door, I want nothing to do with you.”
“So, no touching, right? It’s understood that I will not so much as dance with you or hand you the Parmesan cheese?” I leaned forward. Five thousand dollars could be put towards a new car with a turning radius less than the circumference of the earth. Or it could buy me a lot of sugar bomb coffees. Or I could finally pay my half of the rent.
I looked at Clay. “What do you think?”
“Take it,” he said. “You owe it to me.”
I sighed. I really did. And for such an easy, harmless task. “You won’t cause trouble, right?”
“Of course not.” Joey winked, and I didn’t believe him for a second. “But it’s not your problem if I do.”
“Fine, deal. When do I get the money?” I held out my hand.
He shook it. “I’ll hand it over the second we check into the hotel.”
“Deal.”
“All right, see you.” Joey turned and hightailed it for the front door.
“Didn’t you want to talk to him about something?” Meg asked as the door clanged shut.
“Oh, damn it.” I sprinted after him. “Joey, I gotta ask you a question. What do you know about Leo Campani?”
Joey’s eyes twitched, whether in anger, frustration, or sheer twitchiness, I couldn’t be sure.
“What about that jerk?” He sneered.
“I hear you had a fight with him in Meg’s bar last week.”
“That’s where I know her from. She owns Shotz, right?” Joey nodded inside.
“Yeah. So anyway, what was the fight about?” I repeated.
“Nothing. He’s a cheat. He owed me some money. It was nothing. Why?”
“He’s dead. You were one of the last people to be seen with him.”
“What are you suggesting?” Joey’s eyes narrowed with a streak of mean I hadn’t seen before.
“I’m not suggesting anything, I’m just asking. Do you know who else I could talk to if I wanted to find out why he died?”
“This is Mafia business, Lacey. Don’t you worry your pretty head about it, or you might get hurt.” Joey slammed the door and drove away. If anyone other than a giant orange pansy had said those words, I might’ve suspected it was a threat. As it was my almost-cousin, and now volatile plus one, I chalked it up to machismo.
“Everything cool?” Clay asked when I reentered the laundromat. “Meg told me about Joey’s fight with Leo.”
“Yeah, he says it was a tiff over money. I believe him. They’d argue over whose turn it was to leave a two dollar tip.” I shook my head. “I don’t know where that leaves us.”
“I’ll do some digging,” Clay promised. “You need to go buy a dress for the wedding. Take Meg with you.”
“Why? Is she—” I clasped a hand over my mouth. “Meg’s your plus one.”
Clay and Meg looked at their shoes.
“All right, Meg. Let’s go shopping. Then we need to stop by Vivian’s and give her the heads up that her doofus ex will be making an appearance at her wedding.”
“Won’t she be mad?” Meg asked.
“Nah, she’ll be flattered,” I said. “Vivian loves attention. The more scandalous an event, the better. I bet you she did invite Joey just to spite him, and her boring banker fiancé threw out the invitation before it hit the post office.”
“Glamour and scandal.” Meg shook her head, love in her eyes. “That’s my idea of a wedding.”
Clay turned neon red. I grabbed Meg’s hand and pulled her from the laundromat. “I want more information on Alfonso when we return. It’s payment for being Meg’s clothes-trying-on audience.”
Clay mumbled something as the door swung shut and we hit the streets that paved the way towards Maple Mall.
Chapter 4
“CHECK IT, GIRL.” MEG flounced from the dressing room, her body somewhat confined by a sequined strapless dress. I could see patches of underwear without her bending over, and the majority of her breasts spilled over the top.
“That is so...” I paused. “Gold.”
“Do you think it’ll fit in okay at the wedding? I don’t want to show the bride up, if you know what I’m saying.”
“Well, you are a walking disco ball.” I gestured for her to spin around and got an eyeful of butt cheek. “Can you explain to me exactly which body parts this covers?”
“What do you mean?” Meg scrunched her eyebrows. “If Vivian likes drama as much as you say she does, then I’m gonna give it to her. It’s like my present to her. Maybe she’ll even try to slap me.”
While I looked horrified at the thought, Meg let out a disturbing cackle. She quieted as she saw my expression.
“That would be so unfortunate. So this is a no?”
“How about this?” I handed over a floor length black dress.
“Honey, I own a bar and wear camouflage on the reg. I gotta keep up the tough guy appearance I earned on the force. None of that robe crap you wear.”
Grumbling, I replaced the dress on the hanger. I hadn’t picked out a robe. It was a sensible black dress down to my knees with long sleeves. I was not trying to impress any of the shady souls present at Vivian’s wedding. It was best I gave off that vibe loud and clear.
“I’m going to buy these both. We’re going to see Vivian now, right? Let’s get her opinion.” Meg held up an S&M bondage style leather dress in her left hand with more holes in it than fabric, and straps I wouldn’t be able to fasten in my wildest dreams. In her right hand dangled the shining gold dress that could have doubled as a coarse dishtowel. I shielded my eyes and followed Meg to the register.
WE ENDED UP WITH SIX more bags after a slight detour to Victoria’s Secret. Meg said she needed to be ready in all areas, and I could always use a new pair of cotton panties. With
pink bags in hand, we hit the road and pulled into Vivian’s driveway five minutes later. She lived on Payne Avenue, not far from where we’d picked up Alfonso earlier.
Her house was small and modest, surprisingly well-kept, considering the rest of the area. Tricycles littered the surrounding houses, the bikes spray-painted all shades of blue, pink and black, their original colors peeking through hesitantly.
We heard shouting before we even reached the front door.
“They got some issues to work out before their wedding,” Meg said.
Knowing Vivian and having heard a fair amount about her supposedly boring new banker fiancé, I largely suspected that it was Vivian’s issues that needed working out.
I tentatively pressed the doorbell.
The door was flung open by a livid Vivian—her face flushed with red streaks, talon-like nails scraping her bottled-blonde hair back from her eyes. Her shocking orange lipstick was smudged, running into the pink rouge she’d smeared onto her cheekbones.
“Lacey, what are you doing here?” Vivian suddenly looked suspicious and shut the door halfway, clearly closing the invitation for us to enter. “And who’s that?”
“This is Meg, my best friend. I was just stopping by to congratulate you on your wedding. I just really wanted to say how much I’m looking forward to it.” I smiled.
Meg poked me in the back. “And?”
Vivian’s penciled in eyebrows shifted slightly. “And what?”
“And she’s bringing me as her plus one to the wedding.” A sunset-orange face appeared in the doorframe above Vivian’s head. Joey pushed past his former girlfriend and joined Meg and me on the front steps.
“OH, she is NOT bringing you, you jackass.” Vivian’s fists balled into tight wads of pure fury. “You will not ruin my marriage.”
“Baby, I’m your soul mate.” Joey leaned forward with his lips puckered, but Vivian slapped him firmly across the cheek.
I took a step back, not wanting to get in the way, while Meg watched with too much enjoyment.
“You’re just acting out because you know it’s true.” This time, Joey leaned forward quicker and pulled Vivian into a full blown French kiss. It was long and drawn out and disgusting, and to say Vivian kissed him back was an understatement.
Meg and I retreated from the front steps and shuffled towards the car, Meg towing her two dresses behind her, while the violent makeout session continued behind us.
“Oh, no you don’t!” Vivian shouted after us after she broke away from Joey and gave him a shove off the front steps. “He’s not coming.”
“I’m so confused,” I muttered to Meg.
“They’re soul mates,” she murmured enviously.
I turned in her direction and gawked. She was swooning.
“I’ll be there baby, don’t you worry,” Joey winked and hopped into a Cadillac that spanned the entire front lawn. One he’d probably stolen to use for the day.
Meg fanned herself. “If you don’t take him, Viv, I just might.”
Vivian scowled at Meg. “Nobody gets Joey. And don’t call me Viv. You don’t know me.”
“It’s best we get to know each other fast, on account of I’m gonna be at your wedding, too.” Meg held up her two clothing options. “By the way, which dress do you think works best?”
I stepped in between the ladies. Or children, more like. “Look, Vivian, I came by to warn you that I think Joey’s going to try and crash your wedding.” I paused. “Also, do you know anything about his fight with Leo Campani last week?”
“Don’t you dare wear those sparkles.” Vivian ignored me and pointed a talon at Meg. “My dress has less sparkles than that masterpiece there, and I don’t want to be outshined at my own wedding.”
She turned that scary pointed finger in my direction. “What does everyone fight with Leo about?”
“Money, girls, cards, sports, general life things...” I started. “Yeah, I see your point.”
“Hard to imagine the Church allows him to marry people. Whoever gave him his priest license is insane, I mean...” All of the sudden her eyes turned to something happening behind me. “JESUS H. CHRIST, Joey! That’s my car!”
Joey had leapt from the Cadillac into a bubblegum pink Jeep.
“Now, there is a churchgoing woman. You think she’s one of them sorts that gets tongues and shouts out random shit? ‘Cause it seems like it to me.” Meg tapped her lip and together we watched Vivian storm out into the street and put one stiletto heeled foot onto the front of a bright pink, Barbie-style jeep.
Her nude heel pressed dangerously against the front headlight.
“Don’t do that,” I said. “It’s your car, Vivian. He’s trying to provoke you.”
“It’s working,” she muttered. “Joey, you good for nothing turd, get out of the vehicle and I won’t have you murdered.”
“Damn, this is a classic Romeo and Juliet,” Meg said.
“No, it’s not. They committed suicide,” I said.
“Does it matter who killed who?” Meg rolled her eyes. “Death and love, man. Death and love.”
“You’re twisted.” I took two steps towards the road with my hands out, talking quietly to Vivian, saying anything I could to calm her down.
My words bounced off of her. With her hands on her hips and foot on the car, she looked like a stampeding bull ready to charge straight through the windshield. “It’s a good thing Leo died when he did, else I’d get married right this second to Donald.”
“Donald,” Joey spat through the open Jeep top. “Boring banker Donald. Is that what you want, Vivian?”
“Wait a second,” I charged right in front of the car. “What does Leo have to do with your marriage?”
Neither of the two feuding exes looked in my direction.
“MOVE, Lacey,” Joey instructed.
I didn’t move.
“Don’t move, Lacey,” Vivian said. “Stand beside your Family. He ain’t gonna run us over.”
I looked at Joey’s eyes and wasn’t quite sure that Vivian was correct in her thinking.
“Course I will,” Joey said. “What’s gonna happen? Carlos will kill me and then you and me will both be dead. Better both of us, huh? I’m not letting you marry that asstard.”
All three of our heads swiveled towards the sidewalk as Meg blew loudly into an overused handkerchief. She waved a hand and swiped her teary eyes.
“Don’t mind me,” she sobbed. “Continue on. Beautiful. Just beautiful. I only wish I had popcorn.”
Vivian raised her eyes at me.
“Ignore her, like she said.” I shrugged.
A squeal of wheels and a crunch of glass broke the silence, and I yanked Vivian to the sidewalk as we dove out of Joey’s way. He’d reversed and then bucked forward, the Jeep plowing into my Lumina with a sickening, gut-busting crash. It just missed the end of Vivian’s five-inch stiletto.
“Oh man, that ain’t good,” Meg said. “That’s your car.”
I brushed myself off, a small pool of blood blossoming on my knee where some skin had been scratched off.
I picked up my phone from inside my pocket and pressed my first speed dial. My favorite cousin. “Can you pick us up, please?”
I rolled my eyes at the response on the other end of the line. “Yes, Meg’s here and she’s fine.”
A dial tone met my ear. I spoke, regardless. “Don’t worry, I’m fine, too.”
“How does he know where to find us?” Meg asked.
“Clay? He has tracking devices stuffed in places you’d never want to know about.”
A shrill shriek met my ear and I took a perch on the curb. Through the smoke and the wreckage of the pink Barbie car and my trusty Lumina, I watched Vivian kick off her heels and chase Joey on foot down the street and into the graveyard. It looked like a blonde cabbage patch doll chasing an Oompah Loompah.
“Should we go help them?” Meg asked.
“Nah, they’ll figure it out.”
Meg joined me on the stoop as
we waited for Clay.
“So in regards to the dress,” Meg started with a satisfied smile. “I’m thinking the sparkles.”
CLAY ARRIVED IN HIS creepo white van minutes later and ushered us inside with one look at the burning mess.
He hopped down from the driver’s seat and took a long walk around the outside of the wreckage. “You know, I think the Lumina’s fine.”
“What? Do you see this burning part here? In what world are flames coming from a car described as fine?” I gestured towards the shards of pink sticking up in every direction from my silver car. It looked like a disgruntled child crumpled her toy and set it on fire, just in a larger version. Which was kind of true.
“I think it’s just the Jeep that capsized. Give me your keys,” Clay held his hand out.
“What a hero,” Meg blinked, remnants of her former tears dripping from her eyes again.
Clay looked down and held his breath.
“Here,” I handed over the keyring.
Sure enough, minutes later the Lumina backed out of the mess with hardly a scratch on it. A few ashes blew away in the breeze as Clay took it for a test run around the block. The pink mess collapsed a few feet further, the crushing metal sounds colliding with angry shouts from Vivian and Joey in the graveyard two blocks down.
“Good as new,” Clay said. “What the heck is this thing reinforced with?”
“Damn,” I said. “I was hoping it’d clunk out on me.”
“No such luck,” Clay said. “It’s fine to drive. But I should probably take Meg in my car, just in case something happens.”
“Wait, what about me? Don’t you care if something happens to me?” I hollered. However, Clay’s car was already disappearing from view around the corner. Meanwhile, a car pulled up in the driveway around back, and I could only assume it was Vivian’s banker fiancé. Someone whom I eventually wanted to meet, but not under the current circumstances.
So with no other options, I climbed in the car, headed to 7-11 for a sugar bomb to calm my nerves, and drove on home.
SOMEHOW, I BEAT CLAY and Meg home, and the absence of the creeper van provided plenty of space for a primo parking spot for the Lumina.
