“You are the talk of London,” Miss Bavidge said, interrupting her thoughts as her words tumbled out of her in an almost frantic manner. “Almost everyone knows who you are and whilst I know it is not for the best of reasons that they are aware of such a thing, it does make the number of your potential acquaintances grow rather large.”
“And you think I could discover which gentlemen are suitable and then introduce you to them,” Emily said, slowly, thinking that Miss Crosby had spoken the very thoughts that had been chasing each other through her mind only seconds before. “I can see the hope that you have, Miss Bavidge, although I cannot be certain that I am the one who is best able to help you.”
“We have no other,” Miss Bavidge replied, quietly, her voice filled with emotion. “There is no-one within our own family to aid us and certainly none within the ton would be willing to do so. Yet, I will understand completely if you do not wish to pursue matters with us. We do not know you and you do not know us. I would not have any guilt in your heart over our situation, Lady Smithton. Whatever you decide, I am truly grateful that you were willing to listen to us both.”
Emily accepted this quietly and looked into the faces of Miss Crosby and Miss Bavidge, feeling her heart fill with sympathy for them. Surely she could do something to help them both, even if it was merely providing a friendship that they could depend on?
“Very well,” she said, after a moment, only for Miss Bavidge to gasp with delight and Miss Crosby press one hand to her mouth, tears suddenly sparkling in her eyes. “But I must do a little more thinking on the matter before I decide exactly what will take place.”
Miss Bavidge nodded, her lips curving into a grateful smile as she, along with Miss Crosby, battled tears.
“Thank you, Lady Smithton,” she said, hoarsely. “With all of my heart, I thank you. You do not know what you have done for us.”
Emily smiled back at her, already feeling a growing kinship with them both. “But of course,” she replied, warmly. “I am quite sure that very soon, I will see you both happy and settled. You need not struggle alone any longer.”
Miss Crosby stifled a sob, her gratitude evident as Emily got up to ring the bell for more tea. She could not speak but nodded enthusiastically in the direction of Miss Bavidge, clearly wanting Emily to understand that she too was overcome with thanks. Emily, a little surprised by the strength of the girl’s emotion and realizing just how much Miss Crosby held below the surface, gave her a warm smile.
“A little more sustenance, I think,” she said, as Miss Crosby pulled out a lace handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes. “We shall become firm friends by the end of this afternoon, I am sure of it. Now, Miss Bavidge, why do we not begin with you? Tell me all you can about yourself.”
Chapter Eight
“Lady Smithton.”
She did not smile. “Lord Havisham.”
The afternoon was fine and Emily had, as she usually did, taken a walk in the park. She did not care for a companion for she was more than content to walk alone, but now it seemed, Lord Havisham was determined to be by her side.
“It is a very fine day, is it not?”
Emily wanted to roll her eyes at such blandness of conversation but instead simply pasted a smile on her lips. “Indeed it is, Lord Havisham,” she stated, firmly. “A fine day for walking.” She allowed one eyebrow to arch gently. “If you will excuse me, Lord Havisham.”
He did not move nor make any attempt to remove himself from standing directly in her path. “Might I join you, Lady Smithton?”
Emily did not want to particularly be in such close quarters with the gentleman who had brought such pain to her heart for so long and nor did she want to be forced into his companionship when she had made her mind up not to think on him for any particular length of time. “I think not, Lord Havisham.”
“A short stroll only,” he said, sounding a little desperate. “I confess, Lady Smithton, I find your lack of response to my desperation to speak openly to you to be burning in my heart. You know that there is a good deal that I wish to say.”
The look in his eyes forced a stab of compassion into her heart, even though she did not want to feel such an emotion for him. “We have discussed this matter briefly already, have we not, Lord Havisham?” she said, arching one eyebrow at him. “I believe I made myself quite clear.”
Lord Havisham inclined his head, looking more than a little frustrated. “I well understand your frustration with me, Lady Smithton,” he admitted, softly. “I understand your reasons for wishing to remain away from my side. I will not pretend that the dart you threw at me the last time we spoke has not pierced my heart.”
Emily remained precisely where she was, recalling just how firmly she had spoken to Lord Havisham when he had begged her for a few minutes of her time after their dance at Lady Clarke’s ball. No matter his desperation, no matter his urgency, she did not want to give him the opportunity he desired. All that had been between them was gone now. There was no friendship any longer; there was barely even an acquaintance. She needed nothing from him.
“You stated that my desire to speak to you was simply due to my own selfishness,” Lord Havisham began, looking at her carefully, his jaw firm. “That I wished only to cure my own heart of its sadness and guilt. Is that not so?”
Emily sighed inwardly and closed her eyes for a moment, hoping that she was communicating her frustration in an easy and apparent manner. “It is,” she replied, tightly. “And I will not turn away from that statement, Lord Havisham, no matter how much you might wish me to do so. I still fully believe that your only aim in speaking to me is simply to assuage your own sense of guilt – although why you should feel such a thing is quite beyond me.”
Lord Havisham let out a long hiss of breath between his teeth, running one hand over his forehead as though to ease the pain there. “You have become very blunt in your manner of speaking, Lady Smithton.”
She did not accept this as either a compliment or a criticism. “I hardly think that my character should be of any concern to you, Lord Havisham,” she told him, trying to ensure that no color rose in her cheeks, no outward expression of her inner frustration was shown. “And again I would state that I believe your urge to speak to me so is simply so that your heart might, once again, be free.” A shoulder lifted in a gentle shrug. “Whether it is true that your regret what passed between us during our final conversation together, I cannot say and nor do I wish to know. There is no need for me to consider it now, Lord Havisham. That is all in the past and that is precisely where I wish to leave it.”
Lord Havisham said nothing for a moment or two. His blue eyes bored into hers, his breath quick as he held her gaze. Then, he turned his head, looking as though he were about to take his leave, only to step forward and grasp her hands in his.
Emily, utterly astonished by his action, could do nothing more than stare up into his face, her hands limp in his. All at once, Lord Havisham’s eyes began to blaze with fire, his face coloring slowly as he leaned down over her. She could not move, could not speak. The intensity of his gaze seared her very soul and brought back all of the emotions she had been urgently suppressing. Her feelings for Lord Havisham, long buried, began to grow again but Emily fought them back with an effort.
“There is more to my regret than what I show, Lady Smithton.”
Lord Havisham’s voice was harsh, his words urgent.
“I have not wanted to share this truth with you for fear that it will haunt me for the rest of my days should I speak it aloud, but I can see that I have no other hope other than to speak honestly.” Closing his eyes for a second, Lord Havisham took in a long breath, his fingers tight on hers. “I have never been able to forget you, Lady Smithton.”
Emily drew in a ragged breath, trying to find some semblance of composure but struggling to make sense of all that she felt. Lord Havisham’s presence was powerful and strong, forcing her to look up at him and accept what he was saying, even though she did not want to listen.
/>
“The regret that I speak of came upon me the day I turned away from you, Lady Smithton. Had I been wiser, had I been willing to admit what I felt and had the courage to do as you had asked, then how different things might be for us both now!”
Emily’s eyes lifted to his, despising the sudden twisting in her stomach. Her mind sought out the possibility of what might have been between them, even though she knew she was being foolish even to think of it. Her heart was beating quickly, her hands seeming to settle in his grasp.
Her mind went back to the first time she had seen him. Lord Havisham had always been a remarkably attractive gentleman and, despite being quite unwilling to admit it, she could remember the day she had first laid eyes on him all those years ago. He had been smiling then, however, a smile that was warm and friendly, with an open expression as he had come to greet her. His friend had been acquainted with her father and they had soon found themselves introduced – and how flattered she had been when he had asked her to dance! They had barely been able to take their eyes from one another and so had started a wonderful friendship. A friendship that she had hoped might lead elsewhere, and might save her from her terrible future of a marriage to Lord Smithton.
But no, he had failed her. Once it seemed that he would have to fight for the right to take her as his wife, he had stepped away before the battle had even begun. She had shed a good many tears over him – which her mother had deeply sympathized with, but which her father had warned her to wipe away or else it would be all the worse for her. At the time, she had wept over the realization that, if only Lord Havisham had loved her enough to face up to her father, to demand that he, not a marquess, marry her, then she would not have to marry Lord Smithton. The sorrow that Lord Havisham had brought her with his actions was too large to simply ignore now. Shame crashed over her as she recalled how she had begged him to take her to Scotland, to be married over the anvil, but he had only shaken his head, telling her that it was impossible.
That was the last day she had seen him. That very week, the banns for her marriage to Lord Smithton were called and she was resigned to her fate. Could it truly be that he regretted ever stepping away from her? And if that was so, then what did it mean for her now?
“Lady Smithton,” Lord Havisham said, sounding somewhat anxious as though he knew this was his one opportunity to speak his truth from the heart. “I confess that I was wrong to step away from you as I did all those years ago. I have never had any peace over my actions for my heart has always been caught up with none but you.”
Her gut twisted.
“I do not wish to hear your apologies, Lord Havisham, as I am sure I have made clear to you on more than one occasion,” she managed to say, feeling a spark of anger flare in the middle of all her other swirling emotions. She had asked him not to speak, had not permitted him to give her his apologies, and yet he was doing precisely that. He clearly hoped that, once he had begun to speak, she would not be able to turn from him, would not be able to have him silenced. Angry, Emily looked down at their joined hands, wondering why she simply could not pull her hands from his.
He cleared his throat and she glanced up at him, seeing his sorrowful expression.
“And yet, despite this, Lady Smithton, I will finish what I have begun,” he told her, his voice soft and broken with emotion. “It is not to bring relief to my soul, as you think, for regret will be my constant friend until the very end of my days.” His eyes were fixed to hers again and Emily found her mouth going dry, her mind questioning what Lord Havisham wished to say. Despite her determination to remain strong, to remain turned away from him, she found that she could not do as she wished. The urge to hear what he wanted to say grew in spite of her anger. With Lord Havisham, she was weak.
Lord Havisham took in another long breath and then dropped his head, no longer looking into her face. “I will confess to you my own foolishness, Lady Smithton. On the day you sought me out, I behaved so foolishly that not a moment goes by that I do not wish to go back to that moment in order to change my actions.” His voice was low now, quiet and difficult for her to hear. “I was weak. I was a coward. I did not do what I should have done, Lady Smithton.”
At least they could agree on that, Emily thought to herself, trying not to let her dignity crumble in the face of his honest brokenness. He did not need to know that his words and his presence were having such a profound effect on her. Nor did he need to know that her heart was filled with such tumbling, tumultuous emotions that she could barely keep it from exploding from her chest. “No,” she agreed, crisply. “No, you certainly did not, Lord Havisham. I believed you were fond of me. I believed that there might be something so wonderful between us that our happiness could be made complete.” A brittle laugh escaped her. “How wrong I was.”
There was a moment of silence.
“You cannot know the depths of my torment ever since that day,” he said slowly, pain in every word. “I cared for you deeply and believed truly that you cared for me and yet, due to various circumstances, I turned my back on you.”
“Varying circumstances?” she queried, sharply, looking up at him with a slightly narrowed gaze. “Is that because the notoriety that would have come with marrying over the anvil would have been too much for you to bear?” She could not help but allow herself to speak with harshness to her tone as the memories of that night began to flood her.
Lord Havisham flushed but nodded. “I am ashamed to admit to you that what you have stated was part of the reason for my refusal, Lady Smithton,” he told her, honestly. “You will recall that I had just come into my title and was doing my best with the estate my father had left me. I feared that, in following after you, in taking you to Scotland, that I would bring a shame to my father’s title and heritage. It was entirely wrong of me to think only of myself, Lady Havisham, but I made my choice. Would that I could change it now.”
Closing her eyes, Emily slowly pulled her fingers away from his, finding that her heart had begun to settle into a slightly calmer rhythm. He had spoken to her of what he wished and now there was no need for her to continue the conversation any longer.
“Regret will continue to torture your soul, Lord Havisham,” she replied, not unkindly. “I have set the past aside and shall no longer allow it to penetrate my thoughts nor my mind at this present moment. What has gone before has been both painful and sorrowful but I will not allow it to intrude on my circumstances now.” As she threw him a glance, she saw that he had gone a deep shade of red, clearly ashamed of his past behavior or perhaps struggling with the consequences that came with speaking with such honesty. She cleared her throat gently and turned her head away. “I have discovered a life now that can never be taken from me by another,” she finished, untying her bonnet strings in order to simply retie them, by way of keeping her hands busy. “And I believe our acquaintance need do nothing more than come to a quiet end.”
“You do not wish to continue our acquaintance?” Lord Havisham asked, sounding a little surprised which only succeeded in irritating Emily somewhat. “I am sorry that it has taken me this long to apologize for what I did – and for what I did not do. You cannot know the depths of my regret.”
“Your belated apology has nothing to do with my lack of eagerness to continue as we once were, Lord Havisham,” she retorted. “Nor do I have any sympathy for you.”
“Sympathy?”
A flush crept up into her cheeks as Emily felt her anger beginning to flare again. “Your regret is nothing to what I have endured.”
Lord Havisham’s eyes flared with understanding and he turned his head away, nodding quickly. “Of course, it is not,” he said, slowly. “I can only apologize again, Lady Smithton, if you believe me to have made light of it.”
Emily sighed heavily, far too aware that she felt something more than she ought for this gentleman. Despite the flickering anger, despite the frustration and the sorrow, she still had a heart that longed to pursue him again. It was a ridiculous emotion to have, g
iven that she had no desire to continue her acquaintance with him nor to listen to another word of his apologies and regrets.
“You had to marry the Marquess after all, then,” he continued, quietly, his voice without intonation. “Did you not have any happiness in that, Lady Smithton?”
Her eyes flared as she looked up at him, her hands dropping to her sides as she finished tying her bonnet strings.
“No, Lord Havisham, indeed not,” she stated, stiffly, seeing the way he closed his eyes tightly, as though evidence that he was overcome with regret. “I did not find any happiness in being married to a gentleman who was ages with my father and who wished to use me for nothing more than his own pleasures. I did not find happiness in attempting to escape him whenever I could, ignoring his increasingly angry demands for him to be allowed to use me in any way he wished. That is where I had to learn to be strong, Lord Havisham. My husband drank too much and cared too little. I did not mourn him when he died and yet, despite that, I then had to contend with the rumors and gossip flying all over England about his death. Even now, after retreating to the country for my mourning period, I return to London to hear more of the same - although at least I am easier able to manage it.” Her mind drifted back to Miss Bavidge and Miss Crosby, who had been so grateful for her assistance. The only reason they had come to her to request her help was because of her notoriety, although she would not admit that to Lord Havisham. A quiet swell of gladness settled over her, pushing aside all other emotions. She had purpose here now. She did not need to consider Lord Havisham or any other gentleman for that matter. Miss Bavidge and Miss Crosby needed her aid and that, Emily knew, would keep her more than content.
Lord Havisham dropped his gaze to the ground, his head bowing low. Emily watched him for a long moment, her anger fading away into nothing. Her marriage to the Marquess could not be entirely blamed on Lord Havisham, of course, for it had been her father’s doing entirely. Even if Lord Havisham had attempted to stand up to Emily’s father and had demanded that she be permitted to wed him instead of Lord Smithton, Emily knew that he would not have succeeded. He had not the funds that the Marquess had, and her father had always been led by his love of money. Their only choice had been to escape to Scotland, but he had chosen not to do so.
A New Beginning: The Spinsters Guild Page 6
