by W Winters
One more. One more is all I can take.
My forehead rests on the mattress above her shoulder and I gently kiss her soft skin although she flinches from the sensation. Even that’s too much for her. She’s already cumming again.
I ride through her orgasm, pounding into her heat and with each thrust the word mine escapes between my clenched teeth.
Even as I cum deep inside of her, not breathing, not moving with the only exception being the pulsing of my dick. Even in that moment I whisper the word against the shell of her ear. Mine.
I’ve never been able to sleep well.
Some people aren’t meant to be heavy sleepers.
So instead of trying to sleep, I watch Addison in the dark. My eyes adjust easily and with the moonlight shining through the slats of the blinds, I can see every feature of hers clearly. I can see the gentle rise and fall of her chest with her steady breathing and the little dip in her collar that begs me to kiss it.
I’d forgotten how badly I wanted her all those years ago. The thrill of having her near and the desire to hold on to her outweighed the memories. But seeing her beauty so close and the beast inside me sated, there’s no denying the attraction.
No one has ever held my attention like Addison. No one makes me forget like she does. Nothing else matters when she’s near me. Only the need to make sure she knows that I see her, that I feel her, that I want her.
And now I have her.
A deep rumble of satisfaction leaves my chest. Addison mirrors me in her sleep, a sweet moan slipping through her lips as she nuzzles closer to me. But then she stiffens.
My body tenses at her reaction.
I watch her lashes flutter and the realization show in her expression. Shock is evident on her face as she slowly lifts up her body, bracing herself on one palm. Covering her chest with the sheet, her lips part and her forehead pinches. She clenches her thighs and I’ve never been so proud in my fucking life.
There’s a warmth in my body, knowing how I took her as if her body was mine alone to ruin.
It’s been hours, hours of me simply watching her so close to me and memorizing the curves of her body. And she can still feel me inside of her.
With the ghost of a whimper on her lips, she slowly slips off the mattress, ignoring how it dips and could wake me. As if she wouldn’t mind me waking.
My heart stutters and the hint of happiness in my expression falls. She’s leaving? The fuck she is.
“What are you doing?” My voice is sharp in the still night air and it startles her. But only enough that she turns to face me. With one hand splayed across her chest and the other covering her bare pussy, she looks from me to the pile of her clothes on the floor.
Seeing her naked, and even better, trying to hide that nakedness from me makes my spent dick hard in an instant. I’m already eager for more of her. The slit of my cock is wet with precum and my thick shaft twitches at the thought of taking her again. I can keep her here. She’ll stay. I fucking know she will.
“I have to go,” she speaks softly, her words a murmur.
“You don’t have to do anything but get back in my bed,” I command her and then let my eyes roam down her body, making sure she knows exactly what I want. “Lie down.”
She hesitates, but only for a moment. And then she lowers herself slowly, first leaning on her elbow and then nestling into the covers. That warmth comes back as soon as she’s back where she belongs. The trace of the fear of losing her and the sickening feeling that she’s leaving are both still present, but muted.
As soon as she’s settled, staring up at me in the darkness with the moonlight highlighting her face, I lean down and kiss her on the lips. Not a gentle kiss, and not a goodnight kiss either.
She’s breathless when I pull back and my own chest heaves for air, but I speak calmly, with the control I’ve come to expect.
“Spread your legs for me,” I tell her and before her back is even settled, she does as she’s told. Her thighs part so easily as a blush covers her skin and her eyes shine with the same hunger I remember from so long ago.
I take her by surprise, shoving my hand between her thighs and thrusting my fingers into her cunt. Slamming my lips down on hers, I silence her screams. Her back bows and she squirms under me, trying to get away from the intensity.
Pinning her hip down, I keep her where I want her and finger fuck her until she’s screaming into my mouth. My teeth sink into her lip and then nip along her jaw, all while I’m enjoying her cries of pleasure and how tight her pussy gets when it spasms around my thick fingers. With my thumb on her clit, I don’t stop until she’s breathless and can no longer make a sound as she cums on my hand. Her body’s still trembling when I finally thrust myself deep inside of her.
And it’s my name on her lips.
My dick wrapped in her warmth.
My bed she sleeps in.
All mine.
Chapter 13
Addison
* * *
Five years ago
* * *
I know I should stop this. My belly aches with this disgust. I hate myself for it.
For using Tyler as a distraction.
We go out every day, taking pictures of all sorts of things. The project is over, but he keeps asking if I want to go. And I never tell him no.
It’s better than going back to the Brauns’ place.
“Let’s go over there,” Tyler says and points toward a run-down path in the woods behind the park. We’re at the far end of the park and I know this area. In front of us is the creek and if we go left and walk half a mile or so, we’ll end up at the highway line and can follow that back to the parking lot. There are running trails along the way too. Although I don’t like to run. I just walk and take pictures. I like doing that with Tyler.
One step to follow him. Two steps and he reaches for my hand.
I slip mine inside of his and he squeezes tight when he holds it. It’s a little thing, but he really holds my hand like he means it. And that sick feeling in my stomach feels like nothing compared to the bittersweet sensation in my heart. I’m not sure if it’s really pain or what it is.
I want more of it though.
A part of me knows it’s selfish. That part’s quiet as fallen branches crack beneath our weight and we stop at a clearing on the edge of the creek.
“It’s beautiful,” I whisper, staring out at the bubbling brook. It’s the softest shade of blue although it gets darker where it’s deeper.
“Like you,” he says and gives me a charming smile. When he lets go of my hand to take his jacket off and lays it on the ground, those feelings mix, and the resulting brew is something I don’t know how to handle.
But Tyler knows my secrets, and he’s seen me in those moments I wish I didn’t have. The ones where I cry and sometimes it’s hard to know what’s caused the outburst.
I swear I used to be happy. I used to be normal. But I’ll never be normal again.
Although Tyler’s jacket is laid flat, he sits next to it in the dirt and beckons me, patting the fabric and looking up at me with big puppy dog eyes. He doesn’t ask much of me, but I can’t help feeling like today may be different.
My shoulders hunch in a little as I sit down and tuck my hair behind my ear.
It takes everything in me to look at him. To look at Tyler and try to gauge his intention.
“Do you want to sleep with me?” I ask him bluntly.
He lets out a bark of a laugh and rests his forearms on his knees as he looks out onto the creek. Looking back at me he answers, “I read once, I think in a biology book, that teenage guys are horny as fuck.”
I can’t help the smile that cracks on my face at his joke. That’s the way Tyler handled anything serious. He’d just make a joke and deflect.
“Seriously though,” I say then wipe the palms of my hands on my knees instead of looking at him as I continue, “I don’t get why you keep coming out with me.”
He shrugs. “I like spending time
with you,” he tells me.
“So you don’t want to get into my pants.”
“I definitely want to fuck you.”
I’m shocked by his candor. Tyler’s … careful around me. I feel like he considers each word carefully before speaking to me. Like if he says the wrong thing, I’d run. And that’s not too far from the truth.
“You haven’t tried anything … though.”
“Don’t confuse my patience for a lack of interest.” The second the words slip from him, Tyler lets out a genuine laugh. “Of all the dirty things I could say, that’s what gets you to blush?”
It’s only then that I feel the heat in my cheeks. It matches other places too.
Minutes pass with both of us taking small glances at each other, watching the sunset descend behind the forest with shades of orange and red in the clear blue sky. He even tosses a few twigs and rocks into the creek. He tries to skip them, but he’s not very good at it.
“I think you’d like it if I kissed you here.” He almost mumbles his words when he catches me staring at him. They’re spoken so low and nearly absently.
His lips brush along my neck and desire sweeps through my body unexpectedly. Both of my hands move up to his chest and I push away from his overwhelming touch with my lips parted, my breath stolen.
He blinks away the lust in his gaze and slowly a smile forms on his face. “I knew you’d like it.”
As I bite my lip, he leans forward cautiously, judging my reaction and then he does it again. His lips kiss over every part of my neck and up to the soft spot behind my ear.
…
* * *
And that’s why I slept with Tyler. He said and did everything that made sleeping with him feel like it was right and meant to be.
As soon as we started walking back to his truck, that sick feeling returned. And I began to think that tomorrow he’d be different. That he’d gotten what he wanted, so he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.
But I was wrong again. He held me tighter. Talked to me sweeter. And loved me harder than before.
Tyler was patient. He didn’t look at me as if I was broken, but he treated me like breaking me would be the worst sin in the world.
I could never tell him no.
Even if I still thought of his brother in ways I shouldn’t have.
You shouldn’t compare lovers.
Certainly not brothers.
It was a fantasy come alive to feel Daniel’s skin against mine. To finally know what it’s like to writhe under him.
But that’s all he can ever be. A fantasy.
One that I’m prolonging by letting the days blend together in a whirlwind of alcohol and sex. He messages me where to meet and I go. We drink. We fuck. There are no more awkward conversations of our past, but the reminder stays deep in the pit of my stomach.
I’m not stupid. Daniel’s no good. And this thing between us is merely two people giving in to a pipe dream we had long ago.
It’s all-consuming and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
But the moment this cloud of lust and bliss dissipates, I’ll be left with the sobering truth.
I’ve given myself to a man who’s only ever seen me as a plaything.
I’ve slept with someone who should truly hate me for being the reason his brother is dead.
And the events I’ve allowed to occur are something that should shame me for a lifetime.
There’s no getting around those hard facts. But it’s nice to ignore them for a while and in the moments when Daniel’s with me, it feels different. It feels like nothing else exists.
And when your world is made of nothing but painful memories you’re constantly trying to outrun, it’s a relief for nothing else to exist.
Well, nothing but this flutter in my chest and this ache between my thighs. I love it. I love feeling this way even if nervousness and tiny bits of fear creep in.
It was better than I ever could have imagined. Even when I woke up alone in the morning. Even as I took the bus home with my hair a mess and still in the clothes from the night before.
A walk of shame had never felt so fucking good.
I bite down on my lip to keep the smile on my face from being too smug.
It was something I know I’ll regret, but right now all I’m going to do is love this horrible mistake.
Over and over again.
The spoon clangs against the ceramic mug as I stir in the sugar for my tea. I need caffeine badly. I’ve slept soundly for the past three days, two of them in Daniel’s bed, only to be woken up on occasion and fucked into the mattress. It feels good to be back at my apartment though, where I can rest undisturbed. He had a meet last night so I slept alone, which is a good thing. I’m too sore for any more of Daniel right now.
A smile graces my face as I lift the mug to my lips.
I blow across the top of the mug, breathing in the calming smell of the black tea and avoiding the hot steam. With my eyes closed I feel like I could go back to bed right now.
My little moment is interrupted by the sound of my phone going off. It’s a distinct noise and I know exactly who it is by the tone. It’s from an app that allows you to text people overseas for cheap. Which means it’s Rae.
The mug hits the counter a little more aggressively than I’d like, sloshing a touch of tea on the counter as I reach for my phone.
“Shit,” I mumble under my breath, but I don’t bother with it. I need to talk to Rae.
How are you love? Miss you.
She always calls me love. She says things like cheeky and cow too. I love the diction of the United Kingdom and their accents. A very big part of me misses her and the small farm town she lives in. But it will never be home for me.
I message her back, Miss you to pieces. How’s your mom?
I wait with my eyes on the screen and my lips pursed. She doesn’t write back quickly so I busy myself with cleaning up the spill and having another sip of tea. Rae’s mom is going through some health issues. I know it’s been a pain in the ass for both of them. Or arse if it’s Rae talking about it.
Mum’s fine. Happy for now and enjoying the time off work. How have you been?
I start to text her everything from the very beginning, but then delete it. And then I try once more, but the words don’t come out quite right. Before I can even message her anything, she texts again.
I’m thinking of going back to that bar in Leeds and having another go at the boy bands there. Made me think of you.
The reminder makes me smile and spreads a sense of warmth and ease through me. Enough that I reply simply, I think I’m seeing someone. But I’m not sure if it’s good or bad.
“Seeing someone” might be a stretch. It’s just fucking. I’m smart enough to know that.
She writes back quickly this time. Spill it.
You already know him. Well, of him. It’s Daniel.
I feel a momentary pang of guilt, like I’ve betrayed him. As if saying what’s between us out loud will ruin it. Because no one else will understand.
* * *
Tyler’s brother?
I stare at her response and feel that spike of chagrin and shame I should have known was coming.
Yes.
It’s all I can write back. The mug trembles slightly in my hands, but I ignore it, taking a drink although now the heat feels different on my lips. Less soothing and less comforting. Even if it isn’t lukewarm yet.
Seeing him? she questions.
I put the mug back down and gather up the courage to try to make her understand. She knows everything. Including how I left Tyler because of what I felt for Daniel. What I thought was one-sided and an indication of how awful a person I was. All I had to do was love Tyler back. Instead I ruined what we were over dirty thoughts I couldn’t stop.
We ran into each other. And I told him how I felt about him.
A moment passes, and then another. And that feeling in my gut and heart keeps at it. Twisting and squeezing until I feel wrung out. I w
ish I could say I don’t care what she thinks about this. But she’s the only person I have left. I’m careful not to get too close to anyone. Everyone I love dies. So it’s best I don’t let people in. Rae is the only exception.
How do you feel about it?
I let out a single chuckle, like a breath of a laugh at her response. I text back, You sound like a shrink.
You sound like you might need one.
Her response makes the small bit of relief wash away. Maybe I do.
I just worry about you, she texts me and then adds, I know it has to bring back memories and other unpleasant things.
It does. But it also feels like a relief in a way. And so much more than that.
Are you dating? she asks.
I roll my eyes at that question. She knows better. I don’t date.
She sends back an emoji rolling its eyes and a genuine snicker leaves me.
Just take care of yourself, will you?
She’s a good friend and I know better than to think she’d be anything other than concerned.
You burst my bubble, I tell her and I really mean it.
Five years ago
* * *
Tyler’s lips slip down to the crook of my neck. He knows just the spot that makes me wet for him.
My palms push against his chest and the motion makes my body sink deeper into the mattress beneath him.
“Spread your legs.” He gives the command against my skin, making me hotter … needier. But my eyes dart to the door and then back to him.
“But your brothers,” I whisper as if my words are a secret.
Tyler pulls away, breathless and panting with need. He always makes love to me wildly. Like it’s all he needs. Each time is quick, but he takes care of me first. I bite down on my bottom lip as he hovers over me and then looks over his shoulder at the door.
“They don’t care,” he tells me and I can only swallow the lump in my throat.
