by W Winters
Daniel chuckles and leans down to cup my cheek and plant a soft kiss in my hair. “I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he whispers and it tickles me enough to make me pull away and snatch a kiss from his lips myself.
It’s only been weeks, but this is everything I’ve ever wished for.
As the door clicks shut, leaving me alone in my apartment, I remember a certain saying.
Be careful what you wish for.
Chapter 20
Daniel
* * *
Five years ago
* * *
I knew something was off when I walked in at 4 a.m. and the dining room light was on. The yellow glow carries into the kitchen and I follow it to see Tyler at the end of the large table, head in his hand staring at the screen to his laptop.
I expect to hear something, maybe see him watching a video. But the screen has gone black and that’s when I see his expression. Defeated and exhausted.
“You still up?” I ask him, which is a stupid question. It gets his attention though, although his exhaustion makes him blink several times before he can answer me. It’s then that I see his eyes are puffy, not with sleep, but with something else.
“Yeah, couldn’t sleep,” he answers and then visibly swallows as he closes the laptop.
My jacket rustles as I slip it off and hang it over the chair in front of me. I still feel like an asshole for snapping at him the other day. Of everyone living under this roof, Tyler’s the last person who needs my shit. “Everything alright?”
He sits back and lets out a heavy breath, but instead of answering verbally, he only shakes his head no.
“You want to talk about it?” I ask as I grip the back of the chair and prepare myself for the answer I know is coming. Addison isn’t here and Tyler can’t sleep. She left him.
“You were right,” Tyler says and then turns away from me.
“I was an asshole who was trying to be an asshole. I’m never right. You know that?”
He lets out a huff of a laugh and wipes under his eyes.
“What happened?” I ask him.
“She said it’s too much for her. That she needs space.”
I nod my head in understanding. “Nothing wrong with a little space,” I say and try to make it sound like it’s not a big deal.
“I know her, Daniel. I know it’s her way of putting distance between us so I’ll be the one to leave.”
The legs of the chair scratch along the floor as I pull it out and take a seat. A heavy breath leaves me as I put my elbows on the table and lean closer to him. “Girls are hormonal,” I say to try to make him crack a smile. He’s the one who’s good at this, not me.
“I think she’s done with me, but I don’t know why.”
“She loves you,” I tell Tyler although it makes a spike of pain go through my heart. She does love him. I know it by the way she kisses him. It’s obvious she does.
“I don’t know,” he says in a whisper, shaking his head.
“Just give her a day or two, cut class if you have to. Give her time to miss you.” I hate that I’m giving him this advice. But I hate to see him like this more.
“What did Mom used to say, huh? If you give someone love, they’ll love you back. Right?”
He nods his head, although he still doesn’t speak. It’s been a while since I brought up Mom. And it still doesn’t feel right, but Tyler was her baby boy. He may have been younger when she got sick, but it hit him hard. He didn’t understand.
“I promise you,” I tell him as I pat his back. “Come with me for the next two days. I have to make a trip to Philly for a shipment. Come up with me and let her miss you.”
He’s reluctant for a moment but then he nods. “I could use the distraction, I guess.”
“Perfect.” I stand up quickly and leave him be as fast as I can. “Get some sleep,” I say over my shoulder and I don’t stop walking or respond when he tells me thanks.
As I climb the stairs to go pass out, loneliness settles in my chest.
The idea of Addison never coming back hits me hard. The possibility of never seeing her again.
It’s very obvious to me in this moment that I don’t like it.
More than I don’t like how she’s younger than me.
More than I don’t like how she looks at me the way I look at her when I know she’s not looking.
More than I don’t like that she’s Tyler’s.
Every day there’s a memory I’ve forgotten. Haunting me. Showing me how I could have stopped the inevitable. Or at least changed our fates.
Late at night, holding Addison as she sleeps, I wonder if Tyler would still be alive if I had done something different. Or if I’d be the one buried in the ground now.
Fall has arrived and each step I take down Rodney Street is accompanied with the crunch of dead and withered leaves. My steps are heavy tonight because I know Marcus is going to be here.
He’s finally come with whatever it is Carter’s been waiting for. I know Marcus’ patterns. He spends weeks scouting out a place and making sure you go to one location he has constant eyes on. And when he’s found where he’s comfortable, he delivers.
He’s found that place at the park on the corner of Rodney and Seventh.
After tonight I have no reason to stay here. Addison will either come with me, or leave me. It’s too good right now to think she’ll refuse me, but she’s run before and it’s entirely possible she’ll do it again.
I glance down the side street to see what block I’m on and my heart freezes.
The man in the black leather jacket, the one who stopped to look at Addison. That first day I watched her in the coffee shop and saw him staring at her. It’s him. I swear I saw him melt into the shadows down the street.
“Hey!” I call out, more to see if he’ll move than to actually get a reaction. But there’s only silence. I barely glance to my right to check for cars as I run across the street. The cool air does nothing to calm my heated skin or the anxiety rushing through my blood.
I’m ready for a fight when I get there, but the shadowy corner is only a dead end. And no one’s there.
A chill flows over my skin and I look all around me. It’s no one. There’s no one here.
It’s hard to swallow as I walk back across the street. It’s just paranoia, I tell myself. It’s nothing. But still, all of my thoughts lead back to Addison. To her being alone.
She’s messing with my head.
I think about every way she’s consumed me with each step I take.
I can’t see anything other than her when she’s around me.
Every breath she takes depletes the air from my lungs.
I hated her for it back then, back when she was with Tyler. When she smiled at him instead of me. She tempted me, and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
But time changes everything.
Every step she takes closer to me makes my fingers itch to grab on to her and never let go.
Fate simply waits for men like me. So it can fuck us over until we fall to our knees and admit there isn’t a damn good thing about us.
Addison has no idea what she does to me.
She’ll be the death of all that’s good in me. I would lose focus of everything just to have a miniscule piece of her attention. I’d steal for her. I’d kill for her. I already have.
Goosebumps still cover my body as I get to the empty park. It’s in the back of a small church that’s surrounded by woods. I guess for Sunday school.
My gaze scans the perimeter of the park, but there’s no one there. It’s empty.
Marcus is never late. I check my watch and make sure I’m on time.
A minute passes as I walk toward the church and then back. It’s not a good look to loiter and I don’t need anyone getting suspicious.
Another minute and my anger and anxiety start to get the best of me.
A flash of white catches my eye as the breeze goes by; the squeaks of the swing’s rusty chains make me turn toward the
m.
A note. I walk toward it without hesitation. Marcus and his fucking games.
There’s a message on the swing.
Another address.
Tomorrow night. Check the mailbox. That’s all you’ll need.
Gritting my teeth, I hold back the urge to scream out toward the forest in anger. I know that fucker’s in there watching. Making sure I got the memo.
The paper crumples in my hand as I stare out into the forest and wonder why he didn’t meet in person.
Marcus always meets me in person. I’ve heard tales of him not showing and only leaving notes. Everything is fucked after. Marcus doesn’t like to meet with you if he knows you’re about to be fucked over.
A chill runs down my spine.
The only guess I have is that it has something to do with Addison. She’s the only thing that’s changed.
He knows everything. He knows about what happened the night Tyler died. He knows about my obsession. And he knows she’s back.
My eyes flicker to the woods, searching him out but coming up with nothing. Every small sound of a branch breaking or the wind rustling the leaves reminds me of that night, the images flashing in front of me.
The night that Tyler died.
I’d just finished a meet with Marcus. It was an easy transaction for a hit we needed. He seems to like those better than being a messenger. He responds faster.
He knows that on my way home, I saw Addison in the diner.
I saw him across the street watching me after I’d sent the message to Tyler. She was in pain and I knew Tyler could take it away.
Marcus followed me as I followed Addison. I couldn’t leave her, knowing Marcus saw me watching her. I didn’t trust him. So I followed her from place to place. The diner, the bookstore and finally the corner store. And Marcus was there, every step of the way. I told myself it was only to satisfy his sick curiosity.
And worse than anything, Marcus was there; he was the closest when Tyler died right in front of us.
Marcus knows everything and he’s not coming to see me in person. That leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Deep breaths come and go.
This doesn’t have anything to do with her. It’s about Carter. It has to be about Carter and not about the shit Marcus knows about Addison.
Part of me questions if I should confess to her and tell her the truth before someone else does. She blamed herself for so long and I know she did. But I’m the one who sent Tyler after her.
He knew where she was because of me.
He went to see her because I told him he should.
It’s all my fault. It was never hers.
Chapter 21
Addison
* * *
It’s been strange.
My fingers hover over the keys and I delete my last words. I don’t know how to tell Rae what’s going on. I shift on my sofa, feeling uneasy. This whole day has felt different. Daniel hasn’t touched me since yesterday morning. And things have been off since he got back from his meeting. It’s also when the word “love” was said. Maybe he didn’t realize he’d said it until after he left.
I’ve gotten short kisses, but nothing else. It feels different.
It’s a way that makes me feel uneasy.
It’s a way that makes me feel like the end is here and I was right all along.
All the flutters stop and the butterflies fall into a deep pit in my stomach.
That’s the way he’s making me feel.
The hall light flicks on and Daniel’s large frame takes up the opening of the narrow passage. He doesn’t look at me as he strides to the kitchen, walking right behind the sofa. He’s not talking to me, but he doesn’t want to leave either.
I can’t take this. I prepare myself to type up the email telling Rae what I’d like to say to Daniel. Before I can even type a word I get fed up and slam it shut, turning sideways to face him. All of my frustration and nervous feelings snowball together into nothing but anger.
This time he’s looking right at me.
“Something’s wrong.” That’s all I can say and instead of answering me, Daniel reaches for a mug from the cabinet.
“Could you give me something?” I ask him with all this pent-up frustration and shove the laptop onto the coffee table. “You’ve barely looked at me, spoken to me, or touched me. Something happened or something’s wrong, and if it’s us I need to know.”
Silence. I get silence in return. “If it’s just work, you can tell me.” My voice cracks and I hate that I’m so emotional while he gives me nothing.
It would be easy for him to simply say it has nothing to do with us. I can accept that. But he doesn’t and that’s when the sick feeling that’s been twisting my gut all day travels to my heart.
I’m already halfway to him, determined to get some answers when he finally says something.
“I have to leave tomorrow night.”
My bare feet stop on the cold tile floor in front of him. “That quick?”
“Either then or the next morning at the latest.”
I swallow down my heart and breathe out somewhat in relief, but it’s short-lived as I cross my arms over my chest. “You have to leave?” I ask him that question because the other one is too scared to leave me.
What happens to us?
He answers the unspoken question. “I want you to come home with me.”
“Home?” I say the word with a humorless huff and pull out one of the chairs at the kitchen island. I don’t know where home is. Taking a seat, I tell him, “Are you sure they’ll even want me there?”
It’s hard to swallow when I look at him. I can say goodbye to the idea of college, or at least this college, easily. But facing his brothers? That’s something else entirely.
“They’ll be happy to see you again.” He says the words with compassion, but there’s something there, something else that he’s holding back.
“When did you find out you need to leave?” I ask, prying for more answers.
“Last night.” He clears his throat and adds, “It’s not my brothers that I’m worried about. It’s you … deciding to leave me again.”
* * *
“Stop it,” I snap at him and then correct myself. “Why would you even say something like that?”
“I’ve done some things,” he says and then leaves the empty mug on the counter. It’s quiet and all I can hear is the sound of my heart beating as he takes a seat on the sofa in the living room. Although I know something bad is coming, I follow him, taking the cue to sit next to him.
“You’re scaring me again,” I whisper to him with a pleading voice and wait for him to look at me.
With his elbows on his knees, his head is just a smidge lower than mine as he turns to look at me and says, “It’s because I’m a bad man. That’s what bad men do. They scare people.”
“I told you to stop it,” I tell him as I reach up to put a hand on his broad shoulders. His shirt is stretched tight, making him seem caged beneath it. “You’re a good person inside. I know you are.”
“You think I’m good?” he says with an air of disbelief and then he turns to look straight ahead. When he speaks again, it’s as if the words aren’t directed at me. “I’m sure you think you can see the good in everyone.”
“I don’t like you talking like this. Seriously. You need to stop.” I find myself struggling to speak. “I don’t know what’s making you say these things, but you have to stop.”
“I think I should tell you something.” Daniel speaks as he runs his finger around the lip of the coffee table in front of him. He focuses on it as the silence stretches out and I wait.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me.” My heart flickers, the light going out for a moment. Maybe from fear, or maybe from knowing it’s a lie I’ve spoken. There are so many things Daniel could say that would destroy me. But he knows that already.
“You’re so breakable, Addison.”
I huff a laugh, although it’s drowned out by rel
ief. “Is that the big news? Because I knew that already.”
His dark eyes lift to meet mine and the intensity swirling within is something I haven’t felt for a long time.
“No, that’s not the news, but it’s why I don’t want to tell you.”
My shoulders rise with a heavy breath. “If you have something to tell me, then I want to hear it.”
Daniel relaxes his posture, sitting back and sinking into the cushion of the sofa as he stares at me. His hands are folded in his lap and I can tell he’s deciding. Judging. And I allow it.
Because he’s right. I am breakable. And the last person I want to break me is him.
He clears his throat, bringing his fist to his mouth and then looks at the decorative pillow that’s next to him. I suppose it’s just so he doesn’t have to look at me. He runs his thumbnail over the fabric of the sofa as he talks, busying his hands. “When Tyler died, you left and didn’t say goodbye.”
I nod my head and ready myself to answer, leaning forward and even scooting slightly closer. He has to know how ashamed and riddled with guilt I was. I could barely speak to anyone.
I wanted to tell them all goodbye, but I couldn’t even look them in the eye.
My words are halted when Daniel continues, not waiting for a response from me at all.
“And when I went to your house,” he pauses and licks his lips before moving his gaze to mine. “I could lie to you here, and say you were already gone.”
My heart beats hard and my breathing halts from the danger that flashes in his stare.
“But you hadn’t left yet and so I watched you pack. I wanted to pack too. I didn’t want to stay where Tyler had just walked, just sat. Where I’d just listened to him tell me about that beat-up truck he wanted to fix but never would.” Daniel runs his thumb along his lower lip as his eyes gloss over. “I wanted to run like you wanted to, but I didn’t think I would be capable until I saw you do it.”
