We met not long after Andy and I split up and I moved to Wareham. Jess and I had just moved into a flat, but the wiring was faulty and kept tripping the electrics. I couldn’t even put the kettle on without everything shorting out. After what I’d just been through, it was the last straw. I called my landlord and he sent an electrician to take a look – Matt.
I was in a terrible state when he arrived – barely holding back tears. It was less than a year after Holly went missing and, looking back, I think I was probably in the middle of a nervous breakdown. But when Matt showed up he was so kind. He fixed the wiring in no time, and afterwards, when I asked if I could make him a drink, he told me to sit down and relax and that he would make coffee for me.
As well as being drop-dead gorgeous, he was the sweetest man – asking if I was okay, and if there was anyone he could call for me. Jess was at nursery that day and so he and I were alone in the flat. He was staring at me with all this compassion and I thought I was going to start properly sobbing. Instead, I did something totally out of character – I leaned forward and kissed him.
It was shocking and passionate, like nothing I’d ever experienced before. We ended up sleeping together and then afterwards we both apologised like crazy. It turned out he had just been dumped by his long-term girlfriend and was feeling almost as vulnerable as me. Afterwards, we chatted for hours about everything and nothing. I told him about my break-up with Andy, but I didn’t mention Holly going missing. It was all still too raw and terrible, and I didn’t want to taint the beautiful day we’d just spent together – a precious moment out of time. Before he left, he promised he would call me again. I hoped he was telling the truth, but honestly, I didn’t believe he actually would.
True to his word, Matt called me the very next day, saying he couldn’t get me out of his head. We started seeing one another and he was so lovely with Jess – patient and funny. She took to him straight away. Within a couple of months I discovered I was pregnant. I dreaded telling Matt, terrified that I would scare him off. But he was over the moon and asked me to marry him. I told him that I would love to marry him one day, but not yet. We had enough to deal with, and not a lot of money. I said just being together would be enough for me. He was a little disappointed but accepted my decision.
Somehow, I never got around to telling him about my other daughter, Holly. I don’t know why. Maybe because I wanted to put it behind me. Not to forget her – never that. But simply to try to live a life that wasn’t clouded in grief and uncertainty. I didn’t want anyone’s pity. I just wanted to remember my daughter in my own way, and to have some new-found happiness with my beautiful little family. Consequently, as far as any of my friends are concerned, I only have Jess and Charlie. None of them know about Holly. Sometimes I feel disloyal – not talking about her. Not having her photos on the wall. But I’ve learned to live with my new reality. It’s like Holly and I existed in another lifetime. In a perfect, untouchable bubble.
But now… now grief and uncertainty are trying to claim me once again. The old feelings are resurfacing. And I have no idea what to do about it.
4
I kept a look-out for Kate this morning on the school run, but I didn’t spot either her or her white Fiat outside the gates. Then again, the kids and I were a little late getting in. And now I’m puffing my way down South Street, late for work, hot and sweaty despite the freezing December air. It’s been one of those mornings when everyone got out of bed on the wrong side. Charlie spilt milk and cereal down his last clean shirt, Jess couldn’t find one of her school shoes, and Matt was grumpy about the long day he had ahead of him. Meanwhile, I couldn’t concentrate on anything and ended up snapping at everybody. I’ll have to make it up to them this evening with some cupcakes from work.
Finally, I arrive at the café almost fifteen minutes late. But even the sight of its welcoming blue-and-white painted exterior doesn’t cheer me up; my heart sinks further to see the place is already half full. Dee spots me straight away, her ash-blonde bob swinging as she weaves her way through the tables. Worse than having a go at me, she merely hands me a couple of plates piled high with her famous full English breakfasts. ‘Table six,’ she says briskly, turning away.
‘I’m so sorry I’m—’
‘No time for any of that.’ She cuts me off. ‘Tables one and three are still waiting to have their orders taken. I’ve already had two walk-outs this morning because they had to wait too long.’
My face flushes with shame. Dee Cavendish is such a hard worker. She built this business up from nothing. I hate letting her down. ‘On it,’ I reply, resolving to work like a machine in order to make amends. I deliver the plates to table six, grab an apron from the back, and get to work, taking orders and clearing tables. But even though I’m trying my hardest, my mind just isn’t on the job. All I can think about is Bella. And each time her face comes to mind, a mixture of doubt and fear overwhelms me.
‘Excuse me.’
I turn back to an elderly couple sitting by the window. The man is pointing at his bacon buttie. ‘I didn’t order this. I asked for eggs royale. And my wife wanted scrambled egg, not a full English.’
‘I’m so sorry. Let me—’
‘Hello! ’Scuse me!’ Another customer is trying to get my attention. It’s a young guy in dusty overalls seated with two other workmen. ‘You’ve given us the wrong food.’
I realise I must have got the two orders mixed up, so I apologise profusely, my face heating up. Other customers are staring now. Dee glances across from the counter, taking in my mistake. She doesn’t say anything, but she must be inwardly cursing me. I know how important customer service is these days. I just have to hope the couple don’t go online to leave a negative review – they look the type, I think uncharitably.
Getting the orders mixed up isn’t that big a deal; mistakes happen all the time. But I feel jittery and on edge, like I’m on the verge of losing control. Like I can’t cope with any of this. In my haste to switch the food orders around, I’m not paying proper attention to what I’m doing, and the plate of eggs royale slips from my grasp as I cross the room. While trying to save it, I also manage to drop the plate of scrambled eggs and toast. I watch both plates fall as though in slow-motion. The two plates smash to pieces on the bleached floorboards, fragments of china and food bouncing and flying under tables and splattering on several of the customers’ legs.
The whole café falls silent for the longest second. Then everything speeds up again. A few people cheer, and a couple throw me sympathetic glances. I don’t dare look at Dee. Instead, I mutter apologies, drop down to the floor and start picking up shards of broken plate. I should really go and get a dustpan and brush, but I’m utterly mortified and shaken up. Not thinking straight at all. Thirty seconds later, Dee comes up to me with cleaning products and a broom. She apologises to the customers who were splattered and tells them their breakfasts are on the house.
‘Go and have a sit down in the kitchen,’ she whispers to me.
‘I’m so sorry.’
She waves away my apology. ‘Happens to the best of us. Go.’
I scuttle off to the kitchen, relieved at the chance to escape from all the stares. I’m such an idiot. I’ve allowed this business with Bella to interfere with my job. At this rate, Dee will be regretting offering me those extra shifts.
‘Rachel.’
I jump at the sound of Dee’s voice, and I pat my cheeks to try to get myself together. I turn around. ‘I’m so sorry about my crapness today, Dee. You can take their free breakfasts out of my wages.’
‘Don’t be daft. It’s just a few eggs. Is everything okay with you?’ She sounds concerned, not angry, thank goodness.
‘Uh, yes, everything’s fine. It was just a hectic morning and my head isn’t on straight. Getting the kids up and out was a nightmare, you know how it is.’ As soon as I say that, I want to cut out my tongue. Dee was never able to have kids despite always wanting them, so it’s a sensitive subject.
; ‘You sure that’s all it is?’ She puts a comforting hand on my arm. ‘If you want to have a chat later…’
‘That’s so lovely of you. But I’m fine, honestly. We should definitely go for a drink sometime though. It’s been ages since we last went out.’
‘Deal. We’ll sort out an evening.’
‘Thanks, Dee. Well, I better get back out there.’
‘Tell you what, Chrissie’s just arrived and it’s calming down a bit now, so why don’t you nip to the cash and carry for me instead. We’re running low on stock. You can take the van.’
This is music to my ears. I’m desperate for a few moments to myself and I was dreading going back out and facing all those customers. Plus, I’ll be able to get some proper thinking done while I drive. Dee hands me the keys and a list as I remove my apron and fetch my handbag from my locker.
‘Can you try to be back before the lunchtime rush?’
I check my watch. It’s already eleven o’clock. ‘It shouldn’t take me more than an hour. Thanks, Dee.’
She smiles, nods and gets back to the café. Normally she’s the one to go and pick up supplies, so I appreciate the gesture. Although it’s probably more likely that she wants me away from the café, where I was becoming a one-woman disaster zone.
I sneak out of the back door and slide into Dee’s pale-blue VW Transporter, adjusting the seat and the mirror, as Dee is much shorter than me. She’s had the exterior customised with the café’s name and logo – Row Your Boat, with a rustic rowing boat beneath.
The cash and carry is only a ten-minute drive, but as soon as I hit the road, my mind flies back to Bella Morris and what I’m going to do about her. I really need to see her again, to make sure I didn’t get it wrong. Maybe the next time I see her I won’t have such a strong reaction. If I do… well then I can decide what to do about it. And I also need to find out how old Bella is. See if the dates match up. Although she probably would have been given a different birthday, so that might not help.
The other thing I need to make a priority is to really get to know Kate. Find out about her past and exactly where in London she used to live. I never asked if she’s married or a single mum. If she’s married, then could they both be in on it? That figure in the hoodie who took Holly – their gender wasn’t obvious, so it could even have been her husband, if she has one, or her partner. I’m going crazy with all these unanswered questions. The ache in my stomach is growing stronger. The pull on my heart intensifying. After all these years, could I finally have found my missing baby?
* * *
My shift at the café finishes at two thirty, leaving me plenty of time to drive home and walk the twenty minutes to school. It would have been quicker to drive straight there, but the parking’s a nightmare and I don’t mind walking, despite the cold greyness of the afternoon. In any case, I wanted to pop home first and smarten myself up. Kate is so well put together that I feel dowdy by comparison, and if I want to get to know her better, I can’t let anything stand in the way of that. I need to present myself in my best light. I opt for a pair of grey skinny jeans, a cream cable-knit jumper and my ‘good’ wool coat that cost way more than I should ever have spent on an item of clothing. I justified the purchase by telling myself it would be a nice classic item that I’d get years of wear from, but the truth is, I’ve hardly worn the thing. Trudging along the well-worn route to school, I almost feel like a yummy mummy in my perfectly casual outfit.
The rest of my shift at the café went much better than this morning’s debacle – I’m still cringing at the embarrassment of it – but then it couldn’t really have gone much worse. I managed to pick up all Dee’s supplies from the cash and carry and made it back way before the lunchtime rush. After things quietened down again, Dee and I sat and worked out my new hours, and we also said we’d try to meet up for a drink next week. Chrissie, who was there this morning, might come too. I’m quite looking forward to it. It’s been a while since I’ve socialised, other than snatched conversations outside school.
I arrive just as the caretaker is unlocking the gates. I usually chat to one or other of the mums or dads – most of them are lovely and we’ve all known one another since our kids were in pre-school. But today I purposely avoid eye contact with anyone, as I don’t want to get embroiled in conversation in case I miss Kate. I needn’t have worried. The moment I step into the playground, I hear my name being spoken and I turn to see her, her smile even friendlier than I remember. I smile back, relieved. I think I had convinced myself that she wouldn’t want to chat to me again after yesterday. That maybe she’d think I was strange for staring at Bella. But perhaps that’s simply me being paranoid. Maybe she didn’t notice anything amiss after all. Or maybe she noticed everything.
‘Kate, hi! How are you?’ I flatten my smile, realising I need to tone it down a bit.
‘Good, thanks. Amy couldn’t stop talking about Jess last night.’
‘Ah, that’s great. Jess said she thought Amy was going to be her new best friend.’
‘That’s so sweet. Love your coat by the way.’
I feign nonchalance. ‘Oh, thanks.’
As we talk, I find myself examining Kate’s every inflection and expression. Every hand gesture and hair toss. Wondering if there’s anything I’m not picking up on. But she seems genuine enough. I want to ask about Bella, but I can’t seem too eager. I have to play it cool.
‘So I was wondering if you’d all like to come back to mine tomorrow after school. The kids can hang out while we natter.’
Kate re-knots her floral scarf. ‘We’d love to. Thanks, Rachel. I can’t tell you how nice it is to be made to feel so welcome.’ Unless I’m mistaken, I’m sure I heard a little crack in her voice. As if she’s getting a bit emotional.
‘It’s my pleasure. I’ll arrange a get-together with some of the other mums too, so you can meet some more people.’
‘You’re an angel.’
I’m not entirely sure I will introduce her to the other mums. Not yet, anyway. I need to keep Kate to myself until I’ve worked out who Bella really is. ‘Bring Bella along tomorrow too – if you don’t think she’ll be bored.’
‘Thanks, I will if that’s okay. She’ll be fine – she’ll have her phone.’
‘How old is she?’ I try to sound casual, but I’m sure my cheeks are scarlet.
‘Bella? She’ll be twelve in February, but she’s already displaying teenagery signs. Heaven help me!’
‘Is she with you now?’ I ask, my pulse quickening at the thought of seeing her again.
‘No, she started at St Margaret’s today, so I’ve got to shoot straight home after picking these two up.’
My heart drops with disappointment. But at least I’ll get to spend tomorrow after school with her. Maybe I can engage her in conversation. Discover what she’s like – her personality, her hobbies. See if she takes after me in any way. I know I’m getting way ahead of myself, but I can’t help it. The school bell rings, yanking me out of my reverie. ‘If you like,’ I suggest, ‘I can pick your two up with Jess and Charlie tomorrow, and walk home with them. That way you can go to St Margaret’s to pick Holl— Bella up and come straight over to mine afterwards.’
She thinks for a second. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Okay, that would be great. Thanks.’
‘You’ll just need to let their teachers know. Send a note in tomorrow.’
‘Brilliant. Thank you.’
I realise I’m probably coming across as too good to be true. She might start getting spooked by my over-friendliness. I need to rein it back a bit. I’m worried I’m losing my judgement, but I can’t stop over-analysing everything. My brain is cloudy. I really do like Kate, but what if she turns out to be the person who ruined my life? Right now, though, I can barely concentrate on a word she’s saying. I’m so nervous about seeing Bella again tomorrow that I’m not sure how I’m going to get through the next twenty-four hours.
5
Then
Driving out of the car park and merging into the long stream of traffic, Catriona tries to keep herself under control as the windscreen wipers do their frantic, noisy sweeping. If she can stay calm, and make herself believe that this is all okay, then she’s sure everything will work out fine. She can’t let herself think about anything else. She keeps telling herself that they’ve just been for a lovely afternoon outing to the mall, and now they’re heading back home. All perfectly normal. Nothing odd about that.
Her little passenger fits perfectly in the car seat. It’s as though it was bought especially for her. See? It really was meant to be. But as soon as she has that thought, there’s a small whimper from the back seat.
‘I want Mummy now.’
‘We’ll see Mummy soon.’ Catriona prays she can cheer her up. ‘Have you eaten all your cookie?’
‘Yes. I want Mummy now. Mummy gets my juice.’
‘Are you thirsty, sweetie?’
‘Yes. I want juice.’
Sometimes Catriona keeps a bottle of water in the car. She throws a glance down at the passenger seat and into the door compartments, but there’s nothing there apart from an umbrella and some old receipts. ‘We won’t be long. Just ten minutes, all right?’ She glances in the rear-view mirror to see the girl’s little face grow red, her eyes bright with tears.
‘Shall I sing you a song?’
‘I want Mummy!’ the girl wails, working herself up.
Catriona feels like doing the same. But she has to stay calm. If she can just get them both home, get her little passenger a drink of water or juice and stop her tears, then she’ll work out what to do from there. She’ll just take this a moment at a time. If only the traffic wasn’t so heavy. If only the rain wasn’t so relentless and the sky so grey and dark.
‘G-g-get Mummy! Now! I want Mummy! I want MUMMY!’
The Other Daughter (ARC) Page 3
