We carry on battling our way through the wind and the rain, Charlie’s umbrella periodically bashing me in the arm. But at least he seems pretty happy, so I don’t mind. Eventually, we reach Bella’s school building. We’re a little late though and there’s already a stream of children spilling out through the gates. I curse under my breath and try not to panic. Please don’t let me have missed her. I debate whether or not to leave the school gates and walk in the direction of her house, in case she’s already left, and we can catch her up. But while I’m having that internal conversation, I spot her with the same three friends again.
‘Oh look.’ I nudge Jess. ‘There’s Amy’s sister.’ I point to Bella, who’s already halfway down the road.
‘Who?’ Jess replies.
‘You remember Amy’s sister, Bella? Come on, let’s catch her up.’ I keep hold of Charlie’s hand and begin jogging down the road, kicking up spray.
‘I thought we were supposed to be going to the—’
‘Come on! Catch up!’ I cry, glancing back to see that Jess has stopped and is staring after me in sullen bewilderment.
Reluctantly, Jess follows. A stab of guilt hits me as I realise my kids must be tired after school, and here I am dragging them around in the rain. But Bella could very well be their older sibling. That’s an incredible thought. It’s a thought I hold on to as we tear down the road.
At the corner, Bella parts ways from her blonde-haired friend, who isn’t wearing a coat and is already absolutely drenched. Bella puts her hood up and continues on her way, not hurrying in the slightest, as though the weather is of no consequence.
Jess, Charlie and I finally reach her, but I wait to catch my breath before saying anything. I haven’t planned how to start our conversation because I figured inspiration would hit me when I came to it. We’re right behind her now and as we pass by, I tap her on the shoulder.
‘Hello. It’s Bella isn’t it?’ I give her a friendly smile.
She stares at me warily. And then transfers her gaze to Jess and Charlie.
‘I’m a friend of your mum’s. We met briefly last week outside Amy’s school. Jess and Amy are in the same class. I’m Rachel.’
‘Oh… yeah.’ Bella frowns and chews her lip, looking like she’s about to walk off at any second. I’ll have to try to keep her talking for a minute. I have to get past this superficial chit-chat.
‘We were going to have a look at the upper school for Jess, but the weather’s so awful I think we’ll leave it for another day.’
‘So we’re not going?’ Jess brightens.
‘Not today, no.’
‘Yes!’ Jess gives me her first smile of the day.
‘You’re starting here?’ Bella asks Jess.
‘Just thinking about it,’ I reply for her.
‘Oh, Jess, you’ll love it.’ Bella’s features suddenly come alive and I get goosebumps yet again at how exactly like my Holly she is. To my surprise, she links arms with Jess, and we all start walking along together. My heart swells and lifts as though it’s been pumped full of summer sunshine. It’s all I can do to restrain myself from throwing my arms around Bella and hugging her tightly.
‘Do you like it here then?’ Jess asks.
‘It’s amazing. I’ve only been here a few days, but I’ve made so many friends, and the teachers are okay too. It’s way better than my last school.’ Bella picks up her pace, seemingly relaxed in our company. The two of them have their heads together now, chatting and giggling as though they’ve known one another all their lives. They’re oblivious to me and Charlie, but I don’t mind. It’s just wonderful to see the two of them getting on. It bodes well for any future changes that might occur…
As we walk, I’m happy Jess and Bella are getting on so well – of course I am – but this isn’t really helping me to get to know her. I can’t very well interrupt them. They’re talking about things so far out of my orbit that if I joined in the conversation she’d think I was just another dorky parent.
We’re nearly at the car now and I’m worried about offering her a lift. Is that crossing a line? Or am I just doing the decent thing by giving her some shelter from the storm? I know that’s not the main reason I’m offering, but if she’s my daughter then why shouldn’t I offer her a lift? My thinking is becoming muddled so I have to give myself a shake.
‘What are you doing, Mum?’ Charlie asks, bringing me back to reality.
‘Shaking the rain off.’
‘Like a dog?’
‘Yes, exactly like that.’
He laughs and starts pretending to be a dog, barking and panting and leaping around like a puppy.
Jess and Bella are so deep in conversation that Jess has walked straight past our car. ‘Jess, hang on! We’re parked here.’
Jess turns and looks from me to the car with disappointment on her face.
‘Let me know if you do end up starting at St Margaret’s,’ Bella says to Jess. ‘You can message me, and I’ll look out for you.’
Jess beams, thrilled that this cool older girl likes her enough to keep in contact. ‘Can we give Bella a lift home, Mum?’
I could kiss Jess for making this so easy. ‘Um, yeah, I suppose so. If she wants.’ I turn to Bella with a questioning smile.
‘Is that okay?’ she asks shyly.
‘Of course, no problem. You’ll have to direct me.’
She nods.
‘Okay, well, let’s get in out of this rain.’ I unlock the car. ‘Bella, if you hop in the front seat I’ll put your bag in the boot.’
She does as I say while Charlie and Jess get in the back. Although now Jess is saying that she wants to sit next to Bella.
‘It’s too wet to start switching places. Just stay where you are for now.’ I put Bella’s bag in the boot along with my umbrella and slide into the driver’s seat. I’m so wet that I actually squelch as I sit down.
‘Okay, Bella, which way’s home?’
She starts pointing out which roads I should go down and it’s hard not to feel like a fraud, having to pretend that I wasn’t here only yesterday.
‘Are your mum and dad okay?’ I ask.
‘Fine.’ She seems to have gone shy again now it’s just her and me in the front. Her easy confidence with Jess hasn’t transferred over to me.
I also get the feeling that she’ll tell her parents about our encounter today. Kate won’t like it one bit. I’m actually really anxious about her finding out, but I can’t exactly tell Bella not to mention it. That will sound really suspicious. My worry is that if she tells her mum, Kate might forbid her from talking to me again. Which means that this could be my one and only opportunity to talk to Bella before the truth all comes out about who she really is.
What should I do? I could take a few wrong turns to delay our time together. But that won’t work, because she’s doing too good a job of directing me.
‘It’s left here,’ Bella says, pointing ahead.
The only other way is to be direct. Thankfully the storm outside is so loud and the windscreen wipers so frantic that Charlie and Jess can barely hear us from the back seat. Before I can talk myself out of it, I open my mouth and start speaking.
‘So, do you like your new home?’
‘S’okay.’
‘I bet it’s good to have your dad back though,’ I say, feeling like an utter, utter bitch. I snatch a quick glance to see Bella’s expression and am rewarded to see her flush deeply. It’s a strange feeling, because the last thing I want is to make her uncomfortable, but I also need to know what’s going on with Shaun.
‘I… I thought no one here knew about that.’ Bella starts chewing the skin around her thumbnail.
‘Don’t worry. I won’t say anything to anyone.’
She looks like she might cry. ‘It wasn’t Dad’s fault, you know.’
‘Of course it wasn’t. Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.’ I feel like crying myself for making her feel so miserable, but I need to know that Bella is safe. That Shaun isn’t v
iolent or anything worse. ‘Look, don’t mention to your mum and dad that I said anything. I don’t want them to feel bad.’ She’ll probably still tell them, but it’s worth a shot.
Luckily, Jess leans forward and starts talking to Bella about school again, which distracts her from my comment about her dad. At least I hope it distracts her.
Seeing the state she’s now in, there’s no way I can ask Bella what her dad was in for, not without upsetting her further, and that’s the last thing I want. But it’s killing me not to know.
I’ll have to find out some other way.
20
As we turn into Bella’s street, I slow the car down, pretending I don’t know which one is her house.
‘You can drop me here,’ she says before we’re even halfway down the street.
‘It’s still pouring,’ I reply. ‘I’ll drop you right outside. Which one’s yours?’
Bella gives a cross between a sigh and a huff. ‘It’s that one.’ She points to the squat block of flats at the end.
I cruise down and park as close to the entrance as I can get. I realise I have literally seconds before Bella gets out of the car and leaves, and I don’t know when I’ll get to see her again. My heart is sick with longing and despair. ‘I don’t suppose… is there any chance I could quickly use your bathroom?’
Bella inhales. I can’t tell if she’s annoyed or just breathing. ‘Uh, yeah, okay.’
‘Thank you so much. I’ll literally be two minutes. Shouldn’t have had that cup of tea before I left.’ I turn to Jess and Charlie in the back seat. ‘Wait here, you two. Just nipping in to use the loo. I’ll be two ticks.’
‘Can I come?’ Jess asks.
‘No, just wait here. I’m going to lock the car door behind me.’
Bella and I get out of the car. I open the boot and pass her her school bag, then we make a run for the building as the rain pelts us. I follow her into the stairwell, the security light almost blinding me on our way through. As we run in, I can’t help imagining that this is our flat and we’re running home together out of the storm. That we’re going inside to get warm and dry and maybe have a chat about her day and then watch a movie. After years of missing my daughter, this is all I’ve ever wanted. My heart suddenly feels so full of pain and love that it hurts.
There are two wooden doors ahead of us with security-glass panels. She goes to the one on the left and rummages in the front of her bag for her key. She opens the door and I follow her into the dark hallway. She switches on the light and it’s actually really nice inside – white and fresh and stylish, decorated in a minimalist Scandinavian kind of vibe.
Bella puts her key on the hall table and points to a door on the left. ‘The bathroom’s there.’
‘Sorry about this.’ I give her an apologetic smile, wishing I could think of something witty or interesting to say, but my mind is coming up blank. I go into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I lean against it, racking my brains to think of something, anything that will help me to connect with her. To help me find out the truth. But I can’t think of anything. And I know I’m playing with fire here. Kate will probably be home at any minute. I clench my fists in frustration and feel like screaming. Instead, I flush the loo, run the tap and unlock the door.
The hallway’s empty.
‘Thanks, Bella!’ I call out. ‘I’ll shoot off now.’
One of the doors at the end of the hall opens. Bella steps out of what I presume is her bedroom. She’s brushing her hair with a green hairbrush. ‘Sorry, I was just sorting out my hair. It’s a right mess.’
‘It’s not, it’s lovely. But you should definitely get into some dry clothes and dry your hair properly.’ I realise how parent-ish I sound.
She gives me a strange look and I can’t say I blame her – after all, who the hell am I to tell her how to look after herself? But at least she nods. The thing is, I can’t help myself – I don’t want her catching a chill. I’m so desperate for Bella to like me that I’m not sure how to act around her – what if she really is my daughter? It kills me that I have to be so restrained and act like I don’t care.
‘Okay, well, I’ll be off.’
‘Thanks for the lift,’ she says, and I’m touched by her politeness. Not all kids would remember to say thank you.
‘Any time.’
I walk back down the hall and turn back to give her one last smile before leaving the flat. But she’s gone back into her room and the hallway is empty. I swallow the lump in my throat and leave, closing the door behind me.
* * *
Holding the lighted match against the scrunched-up paper, I wait for the flame to catch, watching as a thin line of smoke curls upwards and flattens against the top of the burner.
‘How’s that hot chocolate?’ I smile at the appreciative noises behind me. As soon as the kids and I got home, we stripped off our sodden clothes, took it in turns to have hot showers and then changed into our pyjamas and dressing gowns. I made them an early tea of fish-finger sandwiches, and now we’re having hot chocolate with marshmallows and sprinkles while I get the wood burner going.
I’m still worried about what Bella might say to Kate about our encounter today. The flames take hold of the paper and I wait for the kindling to catch before putting a small log into the burner and sitting back on my haunches.
‘Do you think Bella will tell Amy that she likes me?’ Jess asks, her voice small and hopeful. ‘Maybe now she’ll want to be my friend again.’
I sigh. ‘Maybe. But I think it’s better if you do what we said and hang out with some of your other friends for now.’ I get to my feet and sit next to her on the sofa.
‘But she was going to be my BFF. She promised.’
‘I know. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want. Maybe it’s for the best.’ I hate it when people say that, but I can’t think of anything better right now.
Jess puts her hot chocolate down on the side table. ‘Why is it for the best? It’s not the best.’
I put my arm around Jess and pull her in close. She’s warm and dry and smells of shampoo and shower gel.
‘Mum… you didn’t answer my question.’
‘Sorry, Jess. I don’t know, maybe she wouldn’t have ended up being a good friend, so it’s better you found out now.’
‘Doesn’t Amy like you any more?’ Charlie asks.
‘It’s none of your business!’ Jess glares at him.
‘Hey, hey, calm down. He’s only asking.’ Jess’s body is tense and bristling. I give her another gentle hug, but she shifts away from me with a scowl, planting herself at the far edge of the sofa, her chin in her hand.
The lounge door opens, and Matt pops his head round. Good. Now he’s home, hopefully he can distract Jess from her disintegrating mood.
‘Daddy!’ Charlie zooms across the room and Matt scoops him up, blowing a raspberry on his cheek. ‘Urgh, Dad!’
Matt grins and sets him back down. ‘What’s going on in here? Are you all having a hot-chocolate pyjama party without me?’
‘Want me to make you one?’ I ask.
‘Uh, yeah!’
‘You have to get in your pjs first,’ Charlie cries.
I can tell that Jess is torn between joining in with the fun and holding onto her bad mood. Thankfully, the former wins and we spend the next hour having a relatively stress-free time.
Once the kids are in bed, Matt and I sit in the lounge, our dinners on our laps, watching Grand Designs on catch-up. A couple in Scotland are building a six-bedroom contemporary house by a lake. It’s huge – more like a visitor centre than a home.
‘Jess seemed a bit happier this evening,’ Matt says, muting the volume as the credits roll.
‘She’s okay. Still a little down, but she’ll be fine. How was work?’
‘Fine. This week’s going really quickly. Can’t believe it’s Wednesday already.’
‘Oh, that reminds me – I’ve volunteered us both for the Christmas Fayre at school next week. Hope tha
t’s okay?’ I get to my feet and collect up our empty dinner plates and glasses.
‘Should be. What time and what day?’
‘A week today, four till seven. We only need to help out for an hour or two.’
‘Okay. I should be able to get there by five.’
‘Brilliant. Heidi will be chuffed.’ As I leave the sitting room with the dirty dishes, I think about how everything I do now is overlaid with thoughts of Bella. She has a bearing on every action and every conversation.
I dump the plates in the sink and return to the lounge. Make myself comfy on the sofa before speaking. Matt is scrolling through the TV menu, trying to find something good to watch.
I clear my throat. ‘I found out something this week.’
‘Oh yeah?’ Matt’s only half listening. He’s clicking on the trailer for some violent action thriller that I already know I won’t want to watch.
‘You know Shaun Morris?’ I begin.
‘Mm.’
‘He’s just got out of prison.’
Matt puts down the remote and turns to me. ‘Really? What was he in for?’
‘I’m not sure.’
‘That must have been tough on the family.’
‘I know.’ I wonder how the kids coped with it all. They seem happy enough now, but it must have been a traumatic time.
‘How do you know he was inside?’ Matt frowns. ‘Did Kate tell you?’
‘No, she’s not speaking to me, remember?’
‘Still? So did someone else tell you? Because you know it might not be true…’
I don’t want to admit that I’ve been snooping on Facebook and I certainly don’t want to tell Matt I mentioned it to Bella. I’m only glad that Jess didn’t say anything this evening. Matt already thinks I’m mistaken about Bella. ‘I saw something about it on one of Kate’s Facebook posts. It popped up on my feed.’
‘What? She put it on Facebook? That’s a bit weird. You’d think they’d want to keep something like that quiet.’
‘She didn’t put it on there. Someone commented that he was “getting out”.’
The Other Daughter (ARC) Page 12
