by Clive Mullis
Briggs cleared his throat. ‘I can only speak for my little group, Miss… er, Sergeant Morant. They all appeared very willing girls, if you get my meaning,’ he shot a sideways glance to Spooner. ‘Eager for it they were, fair gagging for it.’ Spooner snorted and then coughed as Briggs continued speaking. Diffin just rolled his eyes. ‘Information, I mean, and the learning, they licked up everything I gave ‘em.’
Rose fixed him with one of her looks. ‘Constable Briggs, if you continue with your innuendo’s then I will have no option other than to refer you to a higher authority; namely Mrs Briggs. I take it she is upstairs with Mrs Spooner?’ Briggs nodded. ‘The girls are here to learn how to become police officers, and nothing else. Is that understood?’
‘Yes, Miss… er, Sergeant, sir, er…’ said Briggs contritely. ‘We were only trying to inject a sense of levity into the proceedings; we meant no harm.’
‘I’m sure you didn’t, but when you start to speak like that, then it’s all too easy to carry on until it’s the way you always speak. Think of those girls as your own daughters, you may find that you wouldn’t want other men to treat them in that way.’
‘Yes, Sergeant.’
‘Good. We now understand each other. I will try again: how did the girls do today?’
‘Very well, Sergeant,’ said Spooner, quickly getting the point. ‘Like sponges they were, soaked up everything we told ‘em. Quick learners too, at least my lot were; already got into day two with the learning.’
Briggs nodded. ‘Same as my lot, they couldn’t get enough of it — and that weren’t no innuendo thingy. Bright as a button, they is.’
Rose smiled. It sounded like she had chosen well. ‘Good, in that case I will just pop upstairs to speak to them.
Rose left them to carry on talking the boys talk, as she knew they would, and headed off upstairs.
Maud, secretary to Cornwallis, Frankie and Rose, now acted as a chaperone to the girls. Together with Ethel and Pansy, the wives of Briggs and Spooner, they made a formidable trio.
A woman in her middle years, with short blond hair turning to grey, Maud had once been a governess to various families’ children. A well-proportioned woman, she appeared stern to anyone who didn’t know her, but her soft side was a frequent visitor to the outside world. A stickler for detail, she ran the office like a well-oiled machine. Looking after her charges reminded her of her days as a governess, and she was in her element as she kept a watchful eye on the girls.
‘Any problems?’ asked Rose, as she came to stand next to Maud.
Maud smiled wryly. ‘Not yet, but it’s only just got dark.’
‘Rumour at the Yard definitely indicates that there’s going to be an attempt, despite the guards. I wouldn’t be surprised to find they’re in on it. Are you confident of being able to fend them off?’
‘Oh yes. Ethel and Pansy have already been busy. Anyone trying to get in through the windows will find one or two little surprises.’
Rose raised her eyebrows in question.
Maud’s smile widened. ‘Come with me and I’ll show you.’
All the girls were relaxing at the back of the dormitory in a little lounge area, drinking out of tea cups; what the cups contained was anyone’s guess, and Rose guessed, quite rightly, that it had more to do with potatoes and a still, rather than a leaf and a kettle.
Maud led Rose over to a sash window and pulled it up. Rose stuck her head out and looked down at the sill. They’d embedded some sharp pointy nails and bits of broken glass into the wood. ‘There you are. That’s the first line of defence,’ said Maud.
‘The second is the bottom of the window,’ said Mrs Briggs, calling over. ‘Watch yer neck as you pulls it back in,’ she warned.
An alarm bell rang inside Rose’s head and she very carefully pulled her head back in. She then studied the underside of the window.
Ethel walked over with a salami in her hand, stuck half of it out of the window and then pulled the sash down. The window slid down with a satisfying “Ssshhush” sound, the salami neatly sliced in half. ‘I know what some o’these lads are like: I calls it my sausage slicer; and it any o’them shoves their sausages through the window then they’ll quickly find that they ‘as a chipolata in their ‘ands.’ She raised the sash again and checked that the little blades were still in position. ‘Can’t trust them buggers an inch.’
‘That might be a bit too drastic, Mrs Briggs,’ ventured Rose after some thought. ‘We really don’t want to start chopping bits off.’
‘Don’t we?’
‘No. I think you may have to re-think that one. Perhaps something a little more blunt and a little less sharp.’
‘Oh,’ said Mrs Briggs, disappointedly, she’d worked hard on that one. ‘Okay then, I’ll give it some thought. Are you sure you don’t want… you know?’ She did a little mime indicating a severance.
Rose shook her head. ‘Definitely not.’
‘Bugger.’
Maud stood quietly beside Rose; still debating whom to agree with.
There were four windows in the dormitory, and beside each one, they’d positioned a broom handle and two truncheons. Any feeler poking his nose in where it wasn’t wanted would have one hell of a surprise.
The girls watched their chaperones getting to grips with the defences, but perhaps not as keenly as they should have. Felicity certainly flashed over a look of distain, but then, so did Verity, and most surprising of all, Tiffany.
Rose decided to nip the dissension in the bud. She walked the few steps over and sat down on the arm of the chair that Bragwin occupied, taking the opportunity to have a look at the contents of her mug: clear fluid, slight whiff of alcohol, probably a form of potato whisky that costs a couple of dollars a gallon. Frankie liked it, and she wasn’t averse to having a little drop now and again either. ‘Well, ladies. I hope you’ve had an enjoyable day; in the morning I’ll teach you a few self-defence moves, but I’m afraid that’ll be a little late for what might be in store for tonight.’ She looked at each girl in turn, but lingered on the three who looked the most defiant. ‘You knew when you joined, that your time at Pendon will require no outside interference; and by that, I mean boys. You’re setting an example to the women of this city; you are now a role model to many young impressionable girls. You’re showing that we women are able to be, and do, anything we want. Just a couple of weeks abstinence from a bit of naughty but nice is a small price to pay. I’m sure you can make up for it when you leave. But now we have to show the men that we’re a force to be reckoned with, and I can assure you that it’ll pay dividends when you end up walking a beat with them.’
Verity reacted first and hung her head remorsefully: a small, pretty girl with dark hair and a too cute button nose. Felicity and Tiffany followed suit, and all three girls had the good grace to look suitably chastised.
‘Besides, you have the opportunity to beat the crap out of a feeler with total impunity,’ Rose continued. ‘Just think how many women would love to do that.’
Peace descended in the dormitory like a fluffy blanket floating down from the ceiling, engulfing everyone at the same time. All the girls were now in bed and chatting quietly, while Maud, Ethel and Pansy looked on from their chairs by the door. Rose had decided to stay too, just out of curiosities sake, desperate to find out what the feelers at the Yard had planned.
After a while, the girls drifted off to sleep, and gentle snores now wafted around. The chaperones struggled to keep awake, the soft noise and stillness acting like a lullaby, and they all slumped further and further down into their chairs. It didn’t take long before Pansy’s eyes began to droop and she entered the state where sleep was just a moment away — indicated by a sharp nodding of the head and a snort of a snore. Ethel leant across and jabbed a finger into her ribs.
‘I weren’t asleep, honest,’ she said, snapping her eyes open and yawning hard. ‘I were just trying to concentrate on listening out.’
Rose cast her eye over to her, but decided not
to say anything as she too struggled with heavy eyelids. She just hoped that whatever the men had planned would happen soon. She had done surveillance before and had no trouble in keeping awake, but this time, the noise coming from the sleeping girls nearly tipped her over the edge.
It seemed Maud had trouble too, as without a word, she got up and went out for a walk. A few minutes later, she came back with a tray of four mugs containing steaming hot black coffee. Rose smiled her thanks as Maud handed her a mug and then sat back to sip at the life giving concoction.
The women desperately wanted to talk, but they knew that they had to keep quiet so that the girls could sleep. They had all agreed to keep silent, but they hadn’t realised how difficult it would be, as it went against the grain to keep their mouths tightly shut.
Drinking the coffee gave them the stimulus needed to keep awake just a little bit longer, and they were thankful for it when the incursion began with a tap on the wall outside as a badly muffled ladder smacked against the bricks.
‘Wossat?’ asked Ethel, starting suddenly as her senses picked out the errant noise.
‘Quiet, you fool,’ replied Pansy. ‘We don’t want them to scarper now.’
Maud and Rose smiled at each other and then raised themselves from their chairs. Each of them knew what to do as they quietly edged towards their positions, all four women eagerly awaiting the surprise on the men’s faces.
The ladder scraped along the wall as someone repositioned it, then they heard the gentle squeak of a foot on the rung, followed shortly after by a whispered order.
‘Hold the bloody thing still, will yer. You can come up next.’
The tread up the ladder continued to the window manned by Ethel. She grinned from ear to ear as she wrapped her hand around the broom handle and raised it up, holding it as a pikeman does in the army: both hands gripping from waist height and pointing the thing forwards, ready with the lunge. Soon they heard a scraping noise directly outside and then a muffled groan as the interloper tried to push up the window. It failed to give as Ethel had fixed a clip. The struggle to open the window continued and then a face pushed up against the glass and Ethel could see the strain on the face; she stiffened, and then flicked the clip with the end of the handle. The window rocketed up.
The sudden crash woke the girls and all of them sat up in bed, turning their heads towards the window — two of the girls didn’t bother hiding their modesty as very thin and clingy nightdresses showed that there could be a bit of a draught. Maud raised her eyebrows and tut-tutted, but Ethel let out a cry of triumph and rammed the broom handle forward, straight into the chest of the feeler outside. He gave a cry of anguish and surprise, as well as a little pain, as he gripped the ladder tightly to save himself from falling, a fruitless exercise, as the momentum from Ethel’s lunge pushed the whole thing backwards, feeler and all. The ladder teetered on the brink as someone down below tried desperately to keep it upright, but it was only a moments respite as the assailant then disappeared in a graceful arc. Ethel waved as the feeler cried out.
‘Aaaaarggggh. Ssshhiiiiiitttt!’ he yelled, in the couple of seconds it took to find solid ground. They heard an Umph noise and then silence for a few seconds before a groan came wafting up.
‘Bugger,’ said Ethel. ‘A soft landing in the bush.’
A wail of pain came from outside Rose’s window as someone found the glass shards hammered into the sill, a similar noise came from Pansy’s window and so she pushed the window up and swung the truncheon down hard on a hand. Rose wasn’t feeling that vindictive so she just grinned through the window. The feeler on the other side obviously recognised her as he mouthed an alarm and then slid out of sight.
The girls were now kneeling on their beds and voicing encouragement to the men outside, eagerly awaiting the next attempt to get inside. Felicity and Tiffany were bouncing on the beds, which led to one or two other things bouncing too — and that only added to the drama. Maud looked sternly at them in admonishment, but Rose just grinned wryly.
Another ladder banged against the wall near Maud and then a face appeared at her window. She slid the window up, grabbed hold of the feelers jacket, and pulled his head through before banging the window down on his neck. He didn’t know it but he should be thankful that the blades had been removed from the bottom of the frame, as his head was well and truly trapped: his only advantage being that he got a really good look around, and despite his pain and discomfort, his eyes widened in delight as he caught sight of Felicity.
‘Make up, please,’ demanded Maud, as she leant on the window, ‘and lots of it. I want tweezers too.’
Verity moved quickly. She rummaged in her handbag and straight away produced the required bits and pieces and hurried over to Maud; the rest of the girls were still looking, as all their handbags were a disorganised mess. Things were flying out everywhere: hankies, brushes, little balls of gunk and loads of bits of paper and wrappers. One or two curious objects flew out which defied description, followed by a few bottles of perfume.
‘Okay, girls, do your worst — and don’t forget to pluck his eyebrows.’
Verity smiled at the young feeler as she pulled out the tweezers: she really hadn’t the heart to do the deed, so instead handed them over to Mindy, who was used to pulling bits of hair off skin.
Mindy set to work immediately.
‘Ow!’ yelled the feeler. ‘Ow. Ow. Ooooowwww!’ He screamed as the tiny hairs parted company with his face. He sneezed and snot began to dribble from his nose.
‘Now, that’s just bad manners,’ observed Winnie, the ex-barmaid, turning to Olive, the horse-shit shoveller. She then looked back straight in his eye. ‘You should cover your face when you sneeze, stops all the wet from hitting anyone else.’
‘Ow! I can’t,’ reasoned the feeler. ‘Me ‘ands are outside.’
‘Should have thought of that earlier then, shouldn’t you,’ replied Olive, picking up an old dirty rag from the floor. She then dried his face with a lot more force than was entirely necessary.
‘That’s better, now we have a nice dry canvas to paint on.’
The poor feeler had no chance of escape as the girls applied blusher, eye-liner, powder and several sticks of lipstick in liberal quantities, his face turning from a certain degree of masculinity to an even more certain degree of femininity; his only bright moment coming when Felicity leant in close with her unencumbered chest ornaments moving beneath the soft, silky and ever so thin fabric of her nightdress, just inches in front of his face.
The girls sat back when they had finished, admiring their handiwork. Each of them had added an element, including a little bit of a haircut to just one side of his head. With eyebrows plucked to within an inch of their life and face painted in glorious technicolour the feeler’s ordeal had come to an end.
‘Wait,’ yelled Pansy, as she walloped a head from her window. ‘Perfume. Get the O’de Collonge out. He needs to smell just right.’
A few moments later several bottles had appeared and his head anointed in an expensive mix of the perfumery’s finest, a strange heady mixture of all sorts of concoctions, with the overpowering smell of jasmine coming as Gladys’ offering lost its stopper.
‘Right, I think that’s enough for now,’ said Maud.
‘Yeah, ‘e don’t half reek, you know. We don’t want that smell in here,’ agreed Ethel from afar. ‘Time ‘e left, I reckon.’
Pansy approached with her broom handle as Maud lifted the window up. The feeler, face aglow and smelling of something really special, disappeared backwards.
Peace descended on Pendon Police Academy as the attempted incursion ground to a halt. Scuttling noises indicated that the assault had been thwarted, the assailants heading off back into the night, tails very firmly stuck between their legs. The girls grinned at each other — they had the victory.
Rose watched from the window as two feelers took up their positions as guards again, presumably, their “tea-break” now over.
CHAPTER 11
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br /> A bang of a mug on the hard surface of the table called the meeting to order, the effect spoiled a little as the mug was still full of tea. After wiping up the slosh with a grimace of embarrassment, the chairman tried again.
‘I bring this meeting to order, fellow feelers,’ he intoned gravely. ‘We have a lot to talk about and time is pressing.’
There were ten of them, and not all were old and seasoned feelers: two of them were youngsters, just beginning their careers.
‘Our brother here,’ and he indicated a feeler with a wave of a hand, ‘very nearly became compromised in the latest mission for our group. I will let him tell you the full facts and then we can decide the best way to proceed. Brother, the floor is yours.’
The feeler slowly raised his arse from the chair and turned to address the assembly. He had the air of the defeated. ‘Firstly, I apologise fer not being able to carry out the brotherhoods orders regarding Pendon Watch-House,’ he said with remorse. ‘Secondly, the action were foiled by our commander, who ‘appened to be there at the time. Thirdly, and it’s this that I am most aggrieved over, is that the device we planned to ignite were left at the scene.’ He then began to detail the events that led up to the planned detonation and how Commander MacGillicudy had foiled it, albeit accidentally. The admission of failure grieved him and his voice wavered as he recounted the events, this being the second mission he had carried out, the first having been successful. He acknowledged that perhaps it might be wise for someone else to carry out the next one; feelers were notoriously superstitious and he thought that he might not get away with it again.
As the feeler described the events, the chairman nodded gravely; he didn’t feel any sympathy, nor understanding, but, as he needed the support of the group, he had to behave as if he did. He hoped the group would indicate a punishment, as all those present knew what the consequences of failure were likely to be. It would be his task to decide what that punishment should be — he already had one or two ideas about that.
