by Ellie Hall
Ryan and Rachel, standing toe to toe, ignored her.
“I want to know the truth, Ryan,” Rachel demanded.
He chewed his lip as though he knew she was talking about the will and not the house.
“Is this, between us, only about the money?” she asked.
He tossed his hands up in the air. “Money? I don’t own the house. I transferred it to your name. You don’t owe me anything.”
Maybe he didn’t understand.
“Considering you paid more than the asking price, it seems I do.” Rachel’s mind was a tangled mess like the yarn with strands about the house, the text from Tobias, and all the emotions that came up around her mother’s health and the possibility of losing her.
“Consider it a Christmas bonus?” he joked.
“There’s nothing funny about this.”
“I thought I was doing the right thing. Christmas charity and all.” Ryan’s brow furrowed.
“I thought you were here to pick up copies of your marriage license application,” Maureen butted in.
Rachel’s eyes widened and filled with liquid. How could he? Was he just using her? She ran from the clerk’s office, leaving Maureen and her carols, and Ryan and his Santa suit, standing there dumbfounded as he called afterward. “Wait, Rachel. Wait.”
She returned home, not entirely feeling like it was home because Ryan had bought it from her, but for her. None of it made sense. Why would he do something like that?
She crawled onto the couch, got under a blanket, and wanted to hibernate, but her thoughts raced, tying the knots tighter and tighter as confusion and possibilities pulled her in different directions.
The last time she’d been at the town hall, she’d inquired about a marriage license. It was after she got the note that said Please, say yes. It was curiosity more than anything, at least, that’s what she’d told herself.
Was the chance of them actually getting married a result of her hopeful heart and her forgiving nature?
Was it because Ryan was back in town and her body hadn’t forgotten about him?
Was it because her mind clung to the familiar, to what having a best friend was like?
On top of that, there was the matter of Tobias’s claim. Was Ryan only pursuing marriage so he could gain his portion of the family fortune?
Had she concocted the whole thing and was just confused, adrift in fear over her mother’s failing health, and the difficulty of being alone?
Her mind, body, and heart went to war, leaving her restless and irritable.
She tied on her running shoes and tugged her Riptide hat down on her head because the only solution was distance. She needed space from everything that had just happened. She needed to quiet her mind and move her body. Maybe then she’d be able to figure things out.
The days were getting shorter and the sun was low in the sky as Rachel hit the trail. The winter air was cold in her lungs. The terrain was familiar and she soon found her stride, but her thoughts didn’t fall into the background or stop altogether. They went on repeat as more questions went unanswered.
She knew she should talk to Ryan and get the truth. She’d opened up to him again, she forgave him, but she wasn’t sure if she could trust him. Not after he’d left her. Not when it could all just be about the money from his father.
As the frozen-over pond and oak tree came into view, she combed through the last days spent with Ryan, his kindness and even the charity had sparked hope in her. Maybe even love.
She’d loved him once and it was different than her feelings for Tobias. Like the poster in her room, she couldn’t spell it out, rather it was a feeling. With Ryan back in her life, the old feelings had returned and yet they were mixed with new ones. Stronger ones. Ones she was trying to run from.
She reached the old oak tree and ignored the letters R+R carved onto the side. She wasn’t ready to return home, to the uncertainty and the difficulty. She brushed snow off the swing hanging from the thick branch and sat down.
If only things were as simple as they’d been when they were younger. She pumped her legs.
If only he hadn’t left the first time. The swing rose in the sky.
If only she knew what Ryan truly wanted. She tilted back and a figure on the trail came into view, running in her direction.
It could’ve been one of Ryan’s brothers, but she’d recognize anywhere the physique of the guy she wanted to be Mr. Right. He wasn’t wearing the Santa costume anymore, but there was no mistaking him in his Boston Bruisers hat.
Ryan jogged to the tree. “I thought I’d find you here.”
“I need some time to think. Alone.” She brought the swing to a stop and cast him a wicked glare.
He gripped one of the ropes holding the swing to the tree limb. “Here’s what I think. I care a lot about you, Rachel. I hurt you once, and I’m sorry. So sorry, but I’d never do it again. Please believe that.”
“Then tell me the truth.” The air was cold in her throat and she coughed.
He settled beside her on the swing built for two. Their outer thighs and arms pressed together. Rachel would never admit it, but she welcomed the warmth as her breath clouded in the falling light.
“Let me start at the beginning. After my mother died, I ran from you because I was scared of what it would mean if I lost you too.”
“So... You gave me up instead?” A lump had lodged itself in her throat. She blinked her eyes a few times, fending off tears.
“Rach, don’t cry.” He brushed his fingers under her eyes. “Your tears might freeze.”
She was not going to laugh. He was always trying to make her laugh and smile. But she felt so wrung out, so tired, so emotionally overwhelmed.
Ryan exhaled a long breath. “At the time, after everything that happened with my mom, I was in shock. I went into protection mode. I threw myself into my football career. My warped logic suggested that would be easier.”
“There was nothing easy about that day, the weeks that followed, or the years. You were my best friend and my boyfriend. I lost both all at once. I know losing your mother was probably the single most difficult thing that had happened at that point in your life, but I would’ve been there for you and maybe I needed you there for me.” Maybe she still did.
“I know you said you forgave me,” Ryan took her hand, “but I don’t know if you truly have. I know I don’t deserve it, but I need it.”
She hesitated. “It’s not just forgiveness, it’s trust too.”
“I’m here for you now, especially now that your mom is sick.”
Could she trust him not to turn away when things got difficult? But it wasn’t only about them. She hadn’t had anyone to talk to about her mother, no one that possibly understood what she as going through. At last, the numbness dissipated and all of her emotions rose to the surface and over her carefully constructed barriers. “I’m so worried about her.” Tears fell slowly down Rachel’s cheeks.
“I know.” He wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close.
“Whatever comes, we will get through it together.”
“How do I know you won’t take off again when things get difficult.” Her voice was muffled as she pressed her cheek against his chest, feeling safe, secure.
“Because I won’t. I’m not leaving you again. I was afraid to commit because love eventually means loss.”
She let the words bounce off her as she pulled back. “But it’s so beautiful, such a gift in the meantime.”
Ryan nodded in agreement. “You were dating Mr. Wrong. Let me show you that I’m Mr. Right. You were my best friend, my girlfriend, and I was going to ask you to be my wife.”
The box with the slip of paper and Maureen’s comments sprung to mind. “And now you need to get married to get your money.” The words were hostile, cutting because it hurt to imagine he’d do such a thing. At that moment, all she wanted was for him to feel her pain, the double betrayal.
“My father had certain stipulations in the will, yes, and I
’m not supposed to talk about them, but that’s not the whole story.” Ryan wrung his hands. “And Rachel, you know that’s crap. You know I’ve been in love with you since high school, since we raced together, since we splashed in that pond, watched the stars come out, share our dreams.”
“Tobias texted me that he overheard you talking to your family lawyer, Niles, at the gala.” She coughed.
Ryan frowned. “I had the gala because I want to prove that I don’t need my father’s money. But I also want to prove to you that I really want you.” He bit his lip. “I love you, Rachel. I always have. These last days I’ve been trying to show you that.”
“But love isn’t only for a matter of days.”
“No, Rachel. Love is forever. You’re my forever. The only woman for me. You’re the person I want to trim Christmas trees with for the next sixty years. I imagine us having kids and grandkids. Vacations and family gatherings. You’re the person I think about every day when I wake up. I’m trying to prove to you that this is real. I’ve changed, and I ask you to please give me the rest of my life to love you. I chose you when we were sixteen. I choose you when we’re twenty-six. I’ll choose you every day always.”
“What do you want from me?” Rachel didn’t want to risk believing him and what it would mean if he betrayed her again. She couldn’t deal with that loss on top of the one she also knew was coming, leaving her truly alone when her mother was gone.
“I want you to love me back. I want us. I want us to have a past, despite the mistakes I made, a present, and a future.”
He searched her face, hoping for an okay to go on, to spill his heart.
“I’m ticked my father did everything he did…tying true love to his money. To the charities. But it’s funny that it feels like the old man really did know me.” He toed a chunk of snow. “It’s like he knew that I needed a kick in the pants. It’s like he’s just been there this whole time, guiding me. And, with that box beneath the Christmas tree, I swear I did not mean to have you open that. It … was meant for you five years ago.”
Her eyes overflowed and she closed them, unable to think about the past, present, or future. She wanted the numbness to return so she didn’t have to feel so many emotions because right then she felt it all. Sadness, anger, love, hate, hot, cold.
Everything Ryan was saying was too good to be true. He’d run away from her during one of the most critical times of his life. She couldn’t risk that he’d do it again during her time of need.
She’d gotten wrapped up in his surprise return to Colorado, the magic of the season, of possibility, of hope, and love. She knew better than to trust it.
She stiffened as though the cold could repel his words. “You gave up on us. You were afraid, which is why you’ll understand what I need to do.” She kissed him on the cheek. “Goodbye, Ryan.” As her heart cratered, she took off, that time, running from him.
Chapter 13
Ryan stood by the oak tree as she pounded away from him along the trail. He fought against following her and trying to explain with words, but he feared she wouldn’t truly hear. She wasn’t ready to believe. Nonetheless, the sight of her leaving left him feeling empty, alone. A small speck amidst the vastness of his surroundings.
He walked slowly back to the ranch, admiring the open scenery and rolling hills. They showed him that there was endless possibility in the world, just as his father and grandfather had seen when they’d taken risks in their various investments that ended up proving fruitful and providing for the family and beyond.
Was he able to risk his heart? To face his greatest fear? What would happen if he let himself love and then something happened to her?
He knew that was no way to think, which left him feeling less like a man and more like a frightened little boy. He wasn’t good enough for Rachel. That was all there was to it. He’d turned his back on her five years ago. He’d run away from her to save himself the pain of loss because he was afraid. He was selfish and scared. She deserved better than a guy like him.
With his head hanging, Ryan returned to the ranch. The house was quiet, a rarity when he’d been growing up. The four walls could hardly contain the five rowdy boys. Somehow their mother and father had wrangled them all despite the chaos. Ryan lowered onto the couch and held his head in his hands, feeling defeated by his own mind.
He could run, but where would he go?
* * *
Early the next morning, Ryan’s phone beeped with an incoming message. It was from Declan, one of the guys from the team.
Hey, Ry-Man. Our flight was delayed because of the weather. We’re going to meet at the Colorado Crush training facility and get a tour aka spy on the enemy. JK. We’re going to toss a ball around and wanted to know if you’d like to meet us.
He didn’t know what to do about the situation with Rachel, but football was always a solution.
Ryan rinsed off in the shower, mostly to warm up after being outside in the cold for so long. Then he got in his truck, blasted the heater, and drove slowly out of the mountains and toward Denver.
Again, he was taken by the majesty of his surroundings, marveling at the vistas and how permanent everything was. Too bad everything in his life was in a constant state of change: his mother, Rachel, then his father. The only consistency in his life had been the game.
As he pulled up at the Colorado Crush training facility, he tried to take a deep breath, but it caught in his chest. Shoving away the discomfort, he squared his Boston Bruisers hat on his head and charged inside.
He was feeling uncertain about a lot of things, but never about football. He knew it like the back of his hand; it came to him as easy as breathing. Surely, getting sweaty with the ball and the guys would set him straight.
The main building was as big as an airplane hangar and set on a broad, flat campus with a few surrounding buildings. As he stepped through the automatic glass doors, the team insignia of a football rising out of an avalanche of snow held by an arm wearing the team colors of brown and gold greeted him from the granite floor. Across the open-air space, he approached a woman seated at a wide glass desk.
“Hi, I’m here to meet with the guys from the Boston Bruisers.” He straightened his hat.
She smirked. “Looks like you need to update your spirit wear.”
He recalled saying something similar to Rachel when she was wearing the Miami Riptide hat. A jolt of awareness ran through him. He was fiercely loyal to his team but hadn’t been loyal to her, no matter how difficult life had become. Before he could dwell too long on the gloomy thought, laughter echoed from a nearby hallway.
“There he is; the guy who should’ve been on this team, considering it’s his home state.” The Colorado Crush coach extended his hand to shake.
“Instead, I got stuck with these clowns,” Ryan answered, gesturing to the guys from his team who’d followed the coach from the hall. They weren’t clowns at all, but as close to him as his brothers. “Not to mention the Boston Bruisers offered me a significantly better deal.” That was true, but at the time he’d wanted to get as far from home as he could and considering Colorado was in the middle of the country, Boston was about as good as it got. Joining them wasn’t a regret at all, but the reason he’d done so turned his stomach as he thought of Rachel running from him just as he’d done to her.
As the coach continued to give the guys a tour of the state-of-the-art facility, the itch to get back in the game, to train, to sweat so hard he couldn’t think straight, and to push his body to the limit took over.
At last, they entered the indoor training arena. The field was made of artificial turf and there weren’t bleachers like in an ordinary football arena. The dome above their heads said Mile High Football, a nod to the name of the team when his father was a kid. The family had followed the Crush closely over the years and had a season box, but it was no longer his favorite team, which his brothers sometimes teased him about. In his defense, he played for the Boston Bruisers so how could he possibly be loyal to
anyone else? Anyone other than Rachel. His stomach turned a somersault.
Declan, Gray, Connor “The Wolf”, and Chase Collins had already changed into shorts and tanks.
“Alright boys, keep it clean and no leaving pranks for our players,” the coach joked. “I know all about you Bruisers.” He tossed Chase a ball.
The guys laughed.
Chase said, “How do we know this ball isn’t tampered with, partly deflated, or a boobytrap that’s going to explode goo or something to whoever I throw it to?”
Gray stepped back and shook his head.
The coach said, “Trust.” He cast a sharp eye at each of them as though telling them he was entrusting them on his turf and then walked off the field.
“Team huddle,” Connor called.
The guys gathered around and gripped each other’s shoulders.
“How the heck did you score this peek behind the icy Crush curtain?” Ryan asked. “I practically lived at the Crush stadium as a kid, was offered a spot on the team, and no way would they invite me over.”
“Christmas spirit?” Declan offered.
Wolf winked. “Did you see that cutie at the counter when we walked in?” He started to explain how she was related to someone close to the coach and started in on describing the date they’d gone on when Chase interrupted.
“Okay, we get the picture.” Chase held up his hands to stop Wolf from sharing more details.
“So are we going to play or what? Gray asked.
“I’ve been cooped up in the hotel and my arm is dying to let it rip,” Chase said.
At that, they started with a few warm-up drills. Ryan felt off his game and kept fumbling when the ball sailed his way.
“Hey, man, you alright? Still adapting to the altitude here or something?” Chase asked.
“My stomach feels a little off.” It wasn’t a lie.
“Too many Christmas cookies?” Declan teased. “The spread at the gala was incredible and the cookies incredibly edible.” Every now and then, his teammate's slight Irish accent appeared when he said certain words. It reminded Ryan of his grandfather.
