A cool hand took his. “Stop thinking so much. Sit back and enjoy the ride.”
Startled, he looked over at Jordan, then down at their clasped hands. His mind flashed back to Drew’s and Ash’s hands, entwined together to give each other strength, and another little piece of his heart broke open. Was he ready to let Jordan in?
Chapter Ten
Wavering between nervous anticipation and fear, Jordan kept silent for most of the ride home. That seemed to work fine for Lucas, who sat huddled in his seat, staring out the window. Jordan knew that look of shock and how it could render you numb to all outside interference. He’d felt that way since Keith’s death. Only now, there was the stabbing pain, like the pins and needles of blood rushing back into a limb regaining its feeling. Lucas’s reality of finding his brother after so many years could be nothing less than devastating. And Jordan’s heart, shriveled for so long, suddenly bloomed back to life, crashing through the shield he’d erected to keep from falling apart and shattering into a thousand pieces after Keith’s murder. He’d finally found someone to take care of and nurture.
“You know, Lucas, it’s okay to feel happy you finally found him. Even if you’re still angry at Ash, at least you know he’s alive.”
Lucas darted a glance at him, his beautiful hazel eyes glinting with pain and anger. “I don’t know what I’m feeling. It seems he has the perfect life, right? Money, a happy relationship, and a wonderful family.” The emotions struggling within Lucas played out on his handsome face; Jordan could see the effort it took for him to keep from breaking down. “It all turned out so well for him. And God only knows where Brandon is and what he’s gone through.”
Drew had told him and Mike something of Ash’s background but glossed over anything about his childhood. From Lucas’s reaction and the hints he dropped, Jordan surmised there must have been some form of abuse. As an only child who was doted on, secure in his parents’ love, Jordan couldn’t imagine the pain and suffering Lucas and his brothers had gone through.
What was real and unimagined, however, was the anticipation thrumming through his veins, awakening the dormant desire he’d ignored for weeks now. Jordan knew he waited at a crossroads. By now, Keith would want him to move on. They’d talked about it, as it was a daily thing they’d lived with, what every spouse of a person who worked for the NYPD feared most. One day, they might kiss their husband or wife good-bye and never see them again.
Discussing it and living through it were two different things. Keith had made Jordan promise, if Keith died, to find someone to love again. Of course Jordan had said yes, however, it was an offhand promise—one made without a thought or belief that it would ever come to pass. Promises made to the living weren’t as easy to keep after death. And now, even with Lucas’s overwhelming presence next to him, the idea of letting another man into his life scared the hell out of him. Yet somehow Jordan sensed an inevitability about him and Lucas. That since they’d met, it had all been leading up to this point in time.
Jordan drove onto the Brooklyn Bridge, thankful for the stop-and-go traffic to keep his mind occupied. Lucas remained a silent presence, obviously caught up in his own memories. He couldn’t imagine what Lucas must be feeling right now, seeing his brother after all these years. Resentment, certainly, as there were obvious unresolved issues between the two. But despite what Lucas said, there had to be happiness as well, knowing Ash was safe. Perhaps even nostalgia for the way their life used to be.
Except, Jordan remembered, life wasn’t always about happiness. It must’ve been lonely, for sure, being a foster child without parents who loved you. His grip tightened on the wheel, and he forced himself to pay attention to the road and not his inner thoughts. He swung onto the West Side Highway. Add to that possible abuse or neglect, and it was no wonder Lucas remained leery of friendships. Still, he’d agreed to spend the day together and had offered to train him at the gym.
“Lucas?”
“Hmm. Yeah?”
So he wasn’t asleep. Still ruminating. “Want to come back and hang out? I know you’ve got work tomorrow, and I’ve got to go into the hospital, but”—Jordan took a breath—“I wouldn’t mind some company. It gets kind of lonely eating by myself. We could have a drink if you don’t want to eat and—”
“Hey, Prep School.” Lucas touched his arm, then gave it a gentle squeeze. “It’s good. I’m fine with hanging out for a while.” He blew out a breath, and Jordan gave a quick glance over to see him rub his eyes. “It’s been an eventful day to say the least.”
He struggled to hold back his relief. “Great. We can order in some food and relax.”
“Um, not exactly.” Looking more animated than he had in quite a while, Lucas grinned at him. “I think it’s a good night to hit the gym. What do you say? You up for it?”
Denial sprang to his lips; then Jordan thought about it. Maybe it would be a good thing to keep out of the house and from being alone with Lucas. If they were in the gym, they’d be surrounded by people and nothing would happen between the two of them. Now that they’d kissed, he couldn’t get the memory of Lucas’s soft mouth out of his mind.
“Sure.” He pulled up in front of the parking garage on his block. “Do you want to meet me back at my house, and we can go together?” It wouldn’t take him long to change his clothes and feed Sasha.
“Sounds good.” Lucas grunted as he hopped out of the SUV. “I’ll come right back after I change.”
Jordan handed his car keys to the valet and took Sasha by her leash. “Okay, I’ll leave the front door unlocked. Come in and make yourself comfortable.”
“See you in a few.” Lucas walked away.
Sasha whined, but Jordan held on to her. “Hey, you belong to me, remember?” She sat on the sidewalk and barked at Lucas’s retreating figure. “Yeah, he’s becoming kind of a hard guy to say good-bye to, huh?” They walked down the block, and she followed him up the stoop and into the house, making a beeline for her water dish while he shed his coat. After giving her fresh food, Jordan unlocked the doggie door he had installed in the kitchen, allowing her access to the now-enclosed backyard, then hurried up the stairs to take a quick shower. Even though he knew he’d need one after his workout, he wanted the soothing heat and the feel of the pounding water on his body.
After dropping his clothes onto the chair in his bedroom, he walked naked into the bathroom. Without a second thought, he opened the medicine cabinet and took three pills, downing them with a glass of water. By now, the pills he’d taken in the morning had worn off. Glancing at the little clear bags he’d parceled out, lined up on the middle shelf, he briefly thought of giving them up. After all, it was going on a year since Keith died. Surely he didn’t need the crutch anymore.
Tomorrow, he thought, as he turned on the taps to his shower. I’ll stop tomorrow. The hot water sluiced over his body, and he sighed, stretching his arms up to the ceiling. He loved his extra-large shower with the rainfall showerhead and jets pulsating into his body from all sides. The tenseness in his back and shoulders melted away, and his mind wandered back to the afternoon.
Kissing Lucas. A low, snaking heat rippled across his belly, settling in his groin. His cock hardened, and a hot puff of breath escaped him.
“God.” Long-denied arousal rose hard, deep, and strong, almost bringing him to his knees. Unwilling to hold himself back, Jordan stroked his cock with long, firm pulls. After spreading his legs, he leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes, fisting his cock harder and faster. Images flashed before his eyes, but for the first time they weren’t of him and Keith making love. His hand faltered for a moment before his body demanded he continue.
It was Lucas he saw. And God help him, but Jordan wanted the man. He wanted Lucas’s lips against his, that thick, smooth tongue in his mouth. His dick ached as the water beat onto his body, and he reached down to tug at his balls. Jordan didn’t know whether it was from the drugs or his excitement, but it took only minutes before the pressure built and spark
s shot through his body. He continued to stroke his cock harder and faster until he was moments away from coming in a glorious, all-encompassing burst of joy. The bathroom darkened and Jordan faltered and his hand dropped to his side.
A figure stood by the half-closed door.
“Jordan.”
He swallowed his fear once he heard Lucas’s voice.
“Yeah?”
“Just letting you know I’m here.”
The thought of Lucas right outside the bathroom door while he jerked off to thoughts of him ratcheted up his pleasure. He returned to sliding his hand up and down his full cock, spreading his legs wide to get solid footing.
“Thanks. I’ll be done in a moment.”
He knew how pathetic, how clichéd it was, to jerk off in the shower, but it was his home and he could do whatever the fuck he wanted. Thinking of the dichotomy between Lucas’s heavy, muscular body and gentle soft mouth, Jordan braced himself against the marble shower wall as his hand flashed up and down his dick until, with a choked groan he hoped the rushing water masked, he came, shooting hard into his hand. A sigh of pleasure escaped and he closed his eyes.
“You okay?” Lucas’s voice rose over the water.
A bit embarrassed, Jordan bit out a retort. “Of course I am. Go downstairs; I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Without a response, Lucas left, shutting the bathroom door behind him.
Towel-dried and fully dressed in shorts and a T-shirt, Jordan hesitated at the top step, then, deciding he had nothing to feel ashamed about, he ran down the stairs and headed into the kitchen. He couldn’t help but smile as, predictably, Lucas was on the floor with Sasha’s head in his lap. A powerful surge of lust and longing rolled through him. This was what he’d missed—the companionship, the mundane daily activities to share with another person. It seemed so natural for him to come to the kitchen and find Lucas there, playing with the dog.
Like he belonged.
“Hey.” Jordan spoke softly, but it wasn’t necessary. Sasha must’ve heard him and jumped up to greet him. She shook her head, jingling the tags on her collar, and stood at his feet, waiting to be petted.
Lucas opened his eyes. “Hi.”
No longer interested in the gym, Jordan joined Lucas on the floor, his back to the cabinet doors. “You seem awfully quiet. I don’t want to force you to spend time with me if you’d rather be alone.”
“I’ve been alone my whole life. This is all new to me, having someone to talk to.”
How sad. Like earlier on the porch, Jordan slid his hand over Lucas’s. “I hope you know you can always talk to me. We may not have started out on the best terms, but I think we’ve moved beyond that now, am I right?”
Lucas shrugged. “I don’t know anything anymore. I thought I wanted to be left alone, yet today I’m finding it hard to leave.”
The raw honesty in Lucas’s confession touched Jordan. “Then don’t. Not yet, at least.”
“Upstairs before, when I was in the bathroom…”
“Yes,” said Jordan, the heat of desire once again flooding through him. “What about it?” Had Lucas seen him?
“I came inside and heard the shower running upstairs.” A sideways glance revealed a glint of something in those changeable eyes.
Jordan’s breath stilled, yet his heart thumped in his chest. “And?”
Lucas swallowed. “It was wrong of me but the thought of you upstairs, naked and wet, turned me on like crazy. I wanted to see you, touch you”—Jordan’s eyes closed at the touch of Lucas’s palm to his face—“taste you.” Lucas’s heated breath whispered over Jordan’s cheeks. “After this afternoon I felt so close to you, closer than I ever have to anyone in my life.”
“I did too, Lucas. For the first time in almost a year, I felt alive.” Jordan opened his eyes and smiled.
His heartbeat slowed as Lucas’s strong fingers caressed his jaw. Something had shifted earlier when they’d sat together on Esther’s porch. It frightened him yet reminded him of what life had to offer, and maybe it was time to take that first step. He breathed in the subtle scent of Lucas, thoroughly male and completely intoxicating.
The look on Lucas’s face, one of hesitant yearning and desire, sparked an answering throb in Jordan’s chest. It hurt for a moment, this realization that he was moving on with his life, going forward and leaving pieces of himself behind. But those broken and damaged pieces weren’t meant to be salvaged and reused. They belonged in the past, to a memory so sharp and beautiful he didn’t need to replicate it. What he needed were new, fresh memories. Clean, unbroken lines.
A new life and, perhaps, a new love.
“I want you.” He’d kept his heart quiet for too long.
Lucas froze, halting his soft strokes.
This time Jordan reached out and took the initiative. He stood and, with his hand curled around Lucas’s bicep, pulled Lucas up with him. Swaying together, their bodies barely touching, was exquisite torture. He repeated himself. “I want you. I may not be ready for everything, but I want to hold you and touch you.”
After a few moments of silence, Jordan’s nerves escalated along with his rising embarrassment. Had he so grossly misread the situation?
Acting on emotion alone, Jordan drew Lucas into his arms and breathed a sigh of relief when Lucas gripped him tighter. Their cheeks touched, and Jordan could feel Lucas’s lips against his cheek, so warm, so soft.
So alive.
“I want you too. I’ve never wanted anyone else in my life the way I want you.” Lucas’s voice rumbled against his jaw, deep, calm, and comforting.
Several moments passed, and the only sound was their mutual breathing. Even the dog understood their need for solitude and had left. Without hesitation, Jordan took Lucas’s hand and mounted the stairs, leading him back up to the second floor. At the doorway to his bedroom, he stopped and squeezed Lucas’s hand. “After Keith died, I couldn’t bear to sleep alone in our bed, so I moved it to the other bedroom and bought a new one.” Waves of Lucas’s chestnut curls fell over his eyes, and Jordan couldn’t help but brush them back. Any excuse to touch.
He led Lucas across the bedroom to the king-sized four-poster bed and sat. Jordan patted the space next to him. “You’re the only person, aside from myself, to ever be in this bed. I wanted you to know that, so you wouldn’t think there are any ghosts between the two of us.” He pulled the thin T-shirt over his head and Lucas followed his lead, stripping off his own shirt, then joined him on the bed.
“I’m glad you told me.” Lucas smiled and touched Jordan’s face, then tangled his hand in Jordan’s hair, pulling him close. “Because when I kiss you and touch you, the only one I want you thinking of is me.” Lucas bent his head and took Jordan’s lips in a bruising kiss, claiming him.
And Jordan knew right then, he was Lucas’s.
Chapter Eleven
Sweet. So damn sweet. Dizzy with desire, Luke spun out of control as he fell back on the bed. He still held on to Jordan’s tight, slim body, their lips never breaking contact until Luke murmured, “Are you nervous?” He hoped the answer was no, though the pounding of Jordan’s heart resonating against his chest answered that question. “You don’t need to be. We don’t have to do any more than this if you don’t want.” Jordan’s heady scent, a mix of his light aftershave and warm, soft skin, filled Luke’s senses. “It’s all up to you. Whatever you want to give to me is what I’m willing to take.”
Jordan blinked, pale blue eyes shining like twin flames in the glow of the early evening twilight. “I have everything I want right here with me now. All I want is you.”
Luke swallowed hard as unfamiliar emotions swelled in his chest. He’d never had to concern himself with feelings—his own or others. He didn’t want to remember what he had to do after he’d been released from the hospital and left Georgia, but couldn’t help it as the memories flooded through him. The truckers and the men who had offered him rides up to New York City were friendly as all get-out when he first joined t
hem. Then they became blatant about their expectations. At the first request for sex and his refusal, the trucker merely dumped him by the side of the road. The next time, Lucas was forced to take drugs that left him sick and shaking, unable to resist when the trucker pulled his pants off and flipped him over. That night he was left in the dark of the woods along the highway.
A few days later, when an expensive car pulled over and the well-dressed man, with a smile and a kind face, offered him a ride, he’d jumped. James, call me James was a pharmaceutical salesman and spent half the year on the road. Several hours later they pulled off into the woods, and the man had faced him and calmly stated that Luke could either blow him voluntarily or be shot full of whatever concoction he’d come up with and get fucked. His choice. Luke had complied, tears running down his face.
Each experience had caused him to build up a little more of a stone facade around his heart until he’d decided it was no longer worth the effort or the risk. When he made it to Washington DC, he’d resorted to begging on the streets for money rather than giving another blowjob, ever. As soon as he raised the fare for one of those cheap buses and some extra cash for food, he’d left that life behind, determined no one would take advantage of him again. Once he reached New York City and met Wanda at the shelter, he knew he had to make something of himself and get an education so he would never be dependent on anyone again. He never touched drugs, no matter how many times they were offered. Even an aspirin was off limits as far as he was concerned.
After the Fire Page 11
