After the Fire

by Felice Stevens

  Lucas’s quiet declaration nearly undid Jordan. He cared so much for Lucas, but the deception he’d created of his life tore him up inside. He desperately wanted to give the pills up; lying to Lucas, to his friends went against his nature. Guilt chased its tail around his heart. In the two months since Lucas had come home from his European trip, Jordan had cut down on the pills but hadn’t been able to let them go completely. The kid he’d bought from kept pressuring him to buy, and Jordan resisted, but even as he sat, his hand shook slightly. Whether it was from emotion or the pills, he didn’t know anymore. When had he lost control of himself, sliding down this never-ending slope of lies?

  A pill would be so easy right now. His blood sang for it. Like The Tell-Tale Heart, the little yellow lifesaver pulsed in his pants pocket, though he tried desperately to ignore it.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Something was wrong with Jordan. Maybe it was the emotion of the evening as he worked the crowd, shaking hands and thanking everyone for coming, but Luke didn’t think so.

  “Is he okay?” Jerry stood at Luke’s elbow, drink in hand. Lines of concern deepened the grooves in his already weathered face. Luke liked Keith’s former partner and counted himself fortunate the man accepted him in Jordan’s life. “I don’t like the way he looks.”

  “You noticed it too?” Lucas glanced over again at Jordan. The same charming smile flashed white but failed to reach his eyes. It looked false and forced. Everything about Jordan seemed unnatural tonight, as though he was putting on a show and wanted everyone to see how adept he was at playing his part.

  “I noticed he’s drinking way more than he used to, and he’s strung tight as a wire.” Jerry’s eyes narrowed. “How much has he had to drink, by the way?”

  Luke thought for a moment. “I know this is the second one I’ve seen him drink.”

  Jerry’s gaze turned speculative as he took a sip of his club soda. Luke knew though he was off duty, the detective still carried his weapon and wouldn’t drink any alcohol. “That, Luke, is a very interesting way of answering my question. I take it to mean that though you’ve seen him drink two drinks, you believe he’s had more than that. Am I correct?”

  Luke squirmed under the man’s shrewd stare. He didn’t want it to seem as though he was betraying his lover, but Jerry had been a good friend to both him and Jordan and truly had Jordan’s best interests at heart. “I couldn’t say for sure, but maybe.” He pushed the hair off his face and rubbed his eyes. “Something’s going on with him tonight; most likely he’s a little overwhelmed with the project’s completion. It has to be hard for him to see it finally come to life without Keith.”

  At that moment Drew and his grandmother approached, and he couldn’t help but return the elderly lady’s smile. After they greeted Jerry, who left to rejoin his wife, Esther slipped her arm through his and squeezed.

  “Lucas, sweetheart. You look wonderful. And this place.” Her gaze scanned the room. “What a wonderful tribute to our darling Keith.” Tears threatened, then receded, leaving her eyes glittering with sadness.

  “Let me get you a drink, Esther. Some water or a club soda perhaps?” He kept his steps slow and short to match hers as they walked to the table set up for refreshments.

  “Lucas. I might be old, but I’m here to celebrate. I want a glass of champagne.”

  “Nana.” Drew stood behind them. “You know you aren’t supposed to drink.”

  Luke handed her a club soda with lime as she grumbled about overbearing grandchildren.

  “Hello, Luke.”

  His stomach clenched at the sound of Ash’s quiet voice. “Esther, I’m sorry, but I need to check on something. I’ll see you later.” He bent down and gave her a kiss. “Enjoy yourself, Drew.” Without ever turning around, he blindly walked away. Sweat dampened his face and neck, and he felt curiously light-headed. As he passed by Wanda, who was busy chatting with the commanding officer of the neighborhood precinct, he stopped and whispered, “I’m gonna step outside. I need a little space.”

  She glanced over his shoulder and, with a sad little smile, nodded. “Okay, baby doll.”

  He pushed open the glass doors, the night air cool as it hit his face. The rough brick dug into his back as he leaned against the wall, but he enjoyed the discomfort. It made him feel less guilty about the shitty way he’d treated Ash these past months.

  Even though he’d been prepared tonight to see him, hearing Ash’s voice again ripped him up inside. He’d yet to fully explain to Jordan what had happened before he’d left home and why he blamed Ash. Jordan would raise his brow in that irritatingly arrogant way he had and shake his head in disappointment. Luke knew Jordan wanted him to make up with Ash, but he couldn’t take that step. Bile rose in Luke’s throat at the thought of telling Jordan about his past.

  God, he wanted to hold Jordan. Right now. They hadn’t been separated since that first incredible night they’d made love. To be able to touch Jordan and hear his breath quicken with desire every night was a gift and everything faded except how Jordan tasted, smelled, and sounded. Each night they made love brought Luke to the brink of saying words he never thought he’d utter.

  Sex, life, everything was different when you cared about the person you were with. He’d never understood that before. The guys in the office joked about the women they were sleeping with, describing the sex in intimate detail, but once they became serious with them, the talking stopped. Their expressions changed when they spoke of their women then, softer, gentler. More intimate. As if they held a secret.

  Never having had a relationship with another man, Luke couldn’t appreciate the sentiment. Until now. Now Luke recognized the details about Jordan that made him so special and held them close, not willing to share them with others. It made them more intimate. The kindness and empathy Jordan displayed when dealing with patients. The curve of his lips when he smiled and greeted Luke with a morning kiss. The cries of passion as Luke thrust into him, first gently, then deeper as they made love. Jordan holding him, clasping him tight within his body until it became impossible to tell where Luke began and Jordan ended.

  Even the arrogant tilt of Jordan’s head and the sardonic lift of his brow fascinated Luke. Jordan’s comforting strength to hold on to tonight, to be able to face down Ash. Even though Jordan wanted him to forge some kind of relationship with Ash, if he chose not to, Luke knew Jordan would remain by his side and defend him.

  Several weeks ago, he’d confided in Jordan a little more about Ash’s abandonment and what it had done to him. How losing Ash had destroyed the plans they’d made of always being a family. It tore him up inside to relive even that small portion of hurt and devastation, but he’d wanted Jordan to know part of the truth. Together he and Jordan were building a fortress of trust and security, one that would provide a sanctuary from whatever resided out there in the world, ready to attack them at any time.

  The sum of all parts that made up this complicated, infuriating, yet mesmerizing man named Jordan was so much more than he could ever have imagined as a lover, as a friend, as…it hit him then, with a clarity he’d never thought he’d have the opportunity to experience.

  He was in love with Jordan.

  Unwilling to go back inside, Luke paced the sidewalk, certain a goofy grin was plastered on his face to match his cartoon tie. If he’d had a normal upbringing, Luke supposed falling in love was something he would’ve seen coming like a freight train barreling down on him, full speed. Luke waited for the fear and anxiety to hit him, but it never materialized.

  He was in love. And with that knowledge came the realization that he wanted it all—the whole television-family kind of life. Lazy Sunday mornings spent in bed, then getting up to read the papers, eat bagels, and walk the dog. Saturday nights meeting friends for dinner, then going home to make hot and passionate love. Going for ice cream in the summer and hot chocolate in the winter. He wanted the whole fucking fairy tale he never thought he’d get.

  Not here, though. He couldn’t
tell Jordan here. It was Jordan’s night and, in a way, Keith’s as well. But tonight, when they lay together in bed, Luke planned to whisper it in Jordan’s ear as he slid inside Jordan’s heat.

  “I love you.” He whispered it, to hear how it would sound out loud.

  The doors opened, and Wanda came outside. “Luke? Baby doll, you out here still?”

  Hopeful the dark hid his flaming cheeks, Luke answered back “Yeah, Wanda, over here.” He stepped under the fuzzy glow of the streetlight so she could see him better. “I was getting some air.” As he came closer to her, he saw the worried expression on her face. “What’s wrong?”

  “Did you see Jordan come outside? Some of the people from the shelter wanted to thank him, but we can’t find him.”

  “I saw him before I came out here. I haven’t seen anyone walk through the doors since I’ve been here.” He put his arm around her shoulders. “Let’s go back inside. Maybe he went to the restroom.”

  They walked back into the center, and Luke quickly scanned the room but didn’t see Jordan’s tall, lean form anywhere. His friends were all standing about in a circle, with Esther in the center, sitting like a queen in her chair. Near the doors that led to the library, he spotted Jerry.

  “I’m going to go talk to Detective Allen, Keith’s partner.” He smiled down at Wanda, trying to reassure her. “I’m sure everything’s fine. Don’t worry.” He patted her shoulder and threaded his way through the groups of people clustered about the room until he reached the older man.

  “Jerry, can we talk a sec?” He jerked his head to the corner of the library, where it was a little quieter. The detective followed him and leaned against a wooden bookcase.

  “What’s the matter? You look concerned.”

  “When did you last see Jordan?” Luke raked his hand through his hair. “Wanda hasn’t seen him in a while, and he’s not anywhere inside.” An uneasy tendril of dread threaded its way around his spine.

  Jerry’s demeanor switched from relaxed to alert in an instant. “Come with me, and we’ll search.” He led the way out of the library and straight to the back of the large main room. They walked the entire periphery with no sign of Jordan. After looking in each computer room and even the men’s room, they decided to look out back, in the narrow courtyard behind the Center, where the deliveries were made. It hadn’t been more than fifteen minutes since he’d spoken with Wanda.

  When Luke pushed open the heavy door, he expected to see the alley empty. Flares of light cut through the darkened space, lit by a necklace of halogen lights strung up and nailed against the building. A few plastic garbage pails lay haphazardly strewn along the concrete pavement. Luke’s eyes widened at the sight of a teenage boy, his baggy jeans ripped at the knees, the oversize black hoodie he wore dwarfing his skin-and-bones figure, standing with Jordan by the chain-link fence. The two of them argued in strident, angry voices.

  “Jordan? What the hell is going on?” Luke called out, fearful for his lover’s safety.

  The kid spun around, eyes spitting fear. “Who the fuck is this, man? You call the cops on me, you motherfucker?”

  Jerry stepped forward, showing his badge and shield. “Police. Halt. Show me your hands.”

  The kid tossed something down on the ground and scaled the iron fence like a spider, then dropped to the sidewalk below. The beat of his running footsteps receded into the dark of the night. It took only a few long strides for Jerry to reach Jordan’s side. Jerry shoved his badge back into his pocket and bent down to pick up the clear plastic bag that lay at Jordan’s feet.

  “Jordan? What’s going on?”

  Between the rushing of blood in his ears and the pounding of his heart in his chest, Jerry’s words echoed as if from far away. Luke could barely move, as if he walked through sticky molasses. By the time he reached Jordan and Jerry, the two men were in the middle of a vehement argument.

  “I didn’t know what he had in the bag, Jerry. I swear.”

  “What were you doing out here? I thought you’d be inside with your friends and everyone else who came to see the center’s grand opening.” Jerry stood, arms folded, glowering at Jordan.

  The door opened, and Luke glanced over his shoulder to see Drew, Ash, and the rest of their friends streaming into the alley. Dismissing them from his mind, he slid his arm around Jordan’s shoulders. “Hey, Prep School. I was worried about you.”

  Jerry thrust a plastic bag into Luke’s face and shook it. Pills, little yellow ones like Jordan had sworn he’d given up, rattled against each other. “Do you know why Jordan would be interested in these?”

  Luke blinked, astonished at what he was looking at. “Jordan?” He reached over and plucked the bag from Jerry’s hand. “These aren’t yours, right? Tell Jerry. You gave the pills up.”

  Then Luke saw it. The slight hesitation, a slip of the mask Jordan wore, revealing the ugliness of his addiction underneath. Jordan’s gaze skittered away from Luke’s demanding glare.

  Jordan licked his lips. “I’ve been trying. I wanted to tell you. It’s been so hard, but—”

  Luke crushed the bag between his fingers. “But what? You figured I’d never find out? That you could continue playing me and everyone else around you like a fool, risking not only your life but the lives of patients as well?” Luke threw the bag at Jordan’s face. “You lying bastard.”

  “Now, wait a minute.” Drew pushed past him to stand by Jordan’s side. He draped a protective arm around Jordan, who sank into Drew’s shoulder with a shudder. “You aren’t being fair to Jordan. Give him a chance to explain.”

  “Explain what? That he’s an addict? You know…” Luke paused and scrubbed a palm over his face before continuing, directing his speech toward Jordan. “I asked you every day about this. We talked about how you’d kicked the pills, and not once in the two months since I’ve been back—that we’ve practically been living in each other’s pockets—did you think to mention you were having trouble. Didn’t you think I’d help you? Fuck it. I can’t believe I was so stupid.”

  “Lucas, please let me explain.”

  “Now?” Luke snorted with incredulity. “Because you got caught? I should’ve known better than to get involved with you. You’re a selfish, self-absorbed liar.”

  Ash grabbed him by the shoulder and pushed him hard enough so he stumbled back a few steps. “Stop it, Luke. You have no right to say that about Jordan. If you cared about him, you’d try and help him, not cut him down when he’s hurt and vulnerable.”

  Luke could hardly believe what he was hearing. Jordan, hurt and vulnerable? He was the one who’d been lied to, the one who’d risked everything. Jordan had everyone: his family, his friends—shit, he even had Ash on his side. Luke had no one, nothing left. Even his heart no longer belonged to him since he’d lost it to Jordan.

  “It figures you’d back him instead of me, the brother you claimed to care so much about.” Luke shoved Ash backward, then bent at the knees in a fighter’s stance, his fists slightly raised. Best to be prepared for anything where Ash was concerned. “I should’ve known better than to think for a minute you’d stand with me.” Unexpectedly, Luke’s voice caught in his throat, and he choked.

  Fuck. The last thing he needed was to show he cared, even though the ache in his chest made it difficult for him to breathe. Luke’s eyes locked with Ash’s, and Luke saw not only pain but pity residing in Ash’s knowing silver gaze.

  “I’ve always been on your side, whether you believe me or not. You won’t give me a chance to talk to you, like now you won’t give Jordan a chance. It’s what you do, Luke. Rather than deal with the problem, you run away from it and hide.”

  The fuck he did. And who was lecturing him? The goddamn king of disappearing acts.

  Jordan spoke up for the first time. “Ash, I don’t need your help.” A muscle twitched in Jordan’s jaw as he shook off Drew’s arm, which had remained around his shoulders. “Lucas, please. I’m not an addict, for Christ’s sake. I caught that kid back here and
when I approached him, he tried to sell me that stuff. I’ll admit I still struggle with the pills, but I’ve cut down on them.” Jordan grasped Luke’s arm and pulled him away from the crowd of people, but Luke resisted.

  “It all makes sense now to me, you know? The shaking hands, the shifting moods. You craved the drugs, not me. It’s never been me, has it?”

  A horrified expression crossed Jordan’s face. “That’s not true. I’ve never faked my feelings for you.” With a shaky hand he touched Luke’s chest. “Don’t you know by now what you mean to me?”

  Emotions tore through him as he batted away Jordan’s arm. “No. I know how the drugs make you think you feel. But you haven’t been clean since I met you, right?” He grabbed Jordan by both arms and pulled him up against his chest. “Have you?”

  Gone was the image of the sophisticated doctor who cared little of anyone’s opinions but his own. All the arrogance had drained out of him, as well as the sense of laughter, which had only recently returned to his eyes. Shadows bruised underneath his lashes, and Jordan’s once fine, pale skin creased rough and coarse. Yet despite Luke’s furious anger at Jordan, Luke still wanted him and craved the touch of his mouth, knowing how soft and full Jordan’s lips were and the warm scent of Jordan’s smooth skin. Even now, Luke’s fingers clenched around the lapels of Jordan’s suit jacket to hold him close, though he wanted to push him away. Luke’s heart began to pound in heavy thumps.

  “Shit.” With a smothered curse, he flung Jordan away from him. “You need to get back inside and pretend everything is fine for the sake of the center. Keith’s memory shouldn’t be tarnished by your behavior.”

  His body slammed into the wall, and Jordan’s outraged, snarling face crowded mere inches from Luke’s own. “Don’t you dare speak about Keith.” Jordan’s hot breath blew damp across Luke’s face. “Who the hell are you to lecture me about his memory? Who the hell do you think you are?”