The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel

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The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel Page 18

by Don Marquis

the men of science are talking

  about the size and shape of the universe again

  i thought i had settled that for them

  years ago it is as big as you think it is

  and it is spherical in shape

  can you prove it isnt

  it is round like a ball or an orange

  providence made it that shape

  so it would roll when he kicked it

  and if you ask me how i know this

  the answer is that that is just what

  i would do myself

  if there are any other practical

  scientific questions you would like

  to have answered just write to

  archy the cockroach

  the big bad wolf

  i went to a movie show

  the other evening in the cuff

  of a friends turned up trousers

  and saw the three little pigs

  and was greatly edified by the moral lesson

  how cruel i said to myself

  was the big bad wolf

  how superior to wolves are men

  the wolf would have eaten those pigs raw

  and even alive

  whereas a man would have kindly

  cut their throats

  and lovingly made them into

  country sausage spare ribs and pigs knuckles

  he would tenderly have roasted them

  fried them and boiled them

  cooked them feelingly with charity

  towards all and malice towards none

  and piously eaten them served with sauerkraut

  and other trimmings

  it is no wonder that the edible animals

  are afraid of wolves and love men so

  when a pig is eaten by a wolf

  he realizes that something is wrong with the world

  but when he is eaten by a man

  he must thank god fervently

  that he is being useful to a superior being

  it must be the same way

  with a colored man who is being lynched

  he must be grateful that he is being lynched

  in a land of freedom and liberty

  and not in any of the old world countries

  of darkness and oppression

  where men are still the victims

  of kings iniquity and constipation

  we ought all to be grateful in this country

  that our wall street robber barons

  and crooked international bankers

  are such highly respectable citizens

  and do so much for the churches

  and for charity

  and support such noble institutions and foundations

  for the welfare of mankind

  and are such spiritually minded philanthropists

  it would be horrid to be robbed

  by the wrong kind of people

  if i were a man i would not let

  a cannibal eat me unless he showed me

  a letter certifying to his character

  from the pastor of his church

  even our industrial murderers

  in this country are usually affiliated

  with political parties devoted

  to the uplift

  the enlightenment and the progress

  of humankind

  every time i get discouraged

  and contemplate suicide

  by impersonating a raisin and getting devoured

  as part of a piece of pie

  i think of our national blessings

  and cheer up again

  it is indeed

  as i have been reading lately

  a great period in which to be alive

  and it is a cheering thought to think

  that god is on the side of the best digestion

  your moral little friend

  archy the cockroach

  abolish bridge

  the administration ought to get wise

  to one thing about the hard times

  and recovery from them

  the country was getting along all right

  until everybody in it

  took up contract bridge in a big way

  a few years ago

  everybody stopped work and did nothing

  but play bridge

  and the country hit the chutes

  they dont know they are loafing

  because there is just enough mental effort

  connected with bridge so they can kid themselves

  they are busy all the time

  and smart and clever as the dickens

  when the bridge fever subsides

  the country will automatically recover itself

  archy the cockroach

  small talk

  i went into the flea circus

  on broadway the other day

  and heard a lot of fleas

  talking and bragging to each other

  one flea had been over to the swell dog show

  and was boasting that he had bit

  a high priced thoroughbred dog

  yeah says another flea

  that is nothing to get so proud of

  a thoroughbred dog tastes just like a mongrel

  i should think you would be more democratic

  than to brag about that

  go and get a reputation

  said a third flea

  i went into a circus last spring and bit a lion

  i completely conquered him

  i made him whine and cringe

  he did not bite me back

  get out of my way

  i am the flea that licked a lion

  i said to myself probably

  that lion didnt even know he had been bitten

  some insects are just like human beings

  small talk i said to myself

  and went away from there

  archy the cockroach

  the south pole

  it seems admiral byrd has to discove

  the south pole all over again

  every little while

  that comes of not discovering it

  hard enough the first time

  so it would stay discovered

  we insects are superior to you men

  in many ways

  it would never have occurred to us

  that the south pole cared whether it was

  discovered or not

  the thing that amuses me

  is that the country is so busted

  that a lot of people have no jobs

  or food or clothes or shelter

  but there is money enough to keep on

  discovering the south pole

  over and over again

  archy the cockroach

  poets

  the universe and archy

  the inspired cockroach

  sat and looked at each other

  satirically

  you write so many things

  about me that are not true

  complained the universe

  there are so many things

  about you which you seem to be

  unconscious of yourself said archy

  i contain a number of things

  which i am trying to forget

  rejoined the universe

  such as what asked archy

  such as cockroaches and poets

  replied the universe

  you are wrong contended archy

  for it is only by working up

  the most important part of yourself

  into the form of poets

  that you get a product capable

  of understanding you at all

  you poets were always able

  to get the better of me

  in argument said the universe

  and i think that is one thing

  that is the matter with you

  if you object to my intellect

  retorted archy i can only reply

  that i got it from you />
  as well as everything else

  that should make you more humble

  the two dollars

  we insects have the advantage

  of the human race in some respects

  we dont have to worry all the time

  about what a dollar is

  and how to get one

  i understand from my human friends

  that there are two kinds of dollars

  being discussed now

  one kind would be worth so little

  that you couldnt buy anything with it

  the other kind would be worth so much

  that you couldnt get hold of it

  to buy anything with

  i talked it over with mehitabel the cat

  and she said wotthehell archy

  i dont need money myself

  as long as i got gentlemen friends

  who blow me to meals

  mehitabel has no morals

  but i like her disposition

  archy the cockroach

  for reform

  dear boss i am

  beginning the new year

  by lining myself up

  with the reformers

  and diplomats

  cockroaches have always

  been fearless

  and direct in their

  methods defiantly

  leaping into the arena

  but diplomacy is my

  watchword beginning with today

  i see that to put

  things over i must bore

  beneath like the diplomats

  and camouflage my autocratic

  leanings by singing

  loudly about reform

  and censorship which brings

  me to mehitabel

  she wants to break into

  the movies i pointed out to her

  that will hays might

  object to her morals

  as she has advertised them

  on numerous occasions

  to be rather unconventional

  wotthehell archy

  says mehitabel

  aint i reformed now

  i see that the best

  way to boost mehitabel

  may be to denounce her

  now and then yours

  for diplomacy and reform

  archy

  a horrid notion

  dear boss i am hoping

  and praying for the depression

  to pass i was in a newspaper

  office yesterday eating some nice paste

  and i heard the rod and gun editor

  saying to his assistant

  if times dont get better before long

  gentlemen anglers will have to give up

  fancy bait and use cockroaches

  to catch fish with

  please nip this horrid notion

  in the bud write at once

  to the fish and game commission

  archy

  archy in washington

  Archy, the Famous Cockroach, surveys Washington—and finds the experts running around in circles surveying each other. Here are his views on Money, Radicals, Crop Control, and Whatnot.

  I sent Archy down to Washington recently to make a Survey. Everyone else is making Surveys, and they puzzle me a good deal because I can’t understand them. But Archy always uses words which I can comprehend, and I am inclined to trust his judgment on financial, industrial and economic problems. For he has no ax to grind.

  Archy returned a little puzzled himself, and his report to me falls naturally into the form of Question and Answer.

  QUESTION—Well, Archy, what did you learn?

  ANSWER—the first thing i found was a lot of other experts making surveys the government is spending a good deal of time in surveying itself and in surveying the people who are surveying it out in lafayette park survey experts are running around in circles surveying each other

  Q.—What about national finances?

  A.—i discovered that there are two kinds of dollars being planned dollar number one is to be worth so little that no one can buy anything with it everybody will have it dollar number two will be worth so much that nobody can get hold of one to buy anything with nobody will have it

  Q.—How about the industrial and economic situation, generally speaking?

  A.—well if you mean how are you going to get rich i can tell you that in a nutshell

  Q.—In a what?

  A.—you know what i said and i dont want to hear any cheap wisecracks from you

  here is how you may get rich

  you borrow enough money from one of the government agencies to buy 100,000 acres of land

  then you go and tell the government that you are going to plant 100,000 acres of wheat

  then the government pays you not to plant it for if all that wheat were raised it would mean more overproduction

  then you take the profits from the wheat you did not raise and buy another 100,000 acres of land

  this time you tell the government that you are going to plant 100,000 acres of cotton and the government pays you not to

  and so on and on it is an endless chain and will result in making everybody wealthy

  Q.—But suppose the government will not pay you not to plant it?

  A.—then you plant it and that puts the government in an embarrassing position they have to pay you to destroy it after it has been planted

  Q.—Where is the government going to get the money to pay everyone for not producing anything?

  A.—they are getting it from the dentists

  Q.—But where do the dentists get it?

  A.—out of the teeth of the public i saw hundreds of thousands of dentists in washington

  lanes of them miles long were filing into the basement of the treasury department handing over to the government the gold they had dug out of the teeth of the people

  Q.—But are not people going to object to this after while?

  A.—not at all it hooks up with the policy of not producing foodstuffs if people are not going to get foodstuffs to eat they have no use for their teeth and the government might just as well have them

  Q.—In a general way, how is the recovery program working out?

  A.—swell but it is about time we had a program for recovering from the recovery

  Q.—What do you think of the danger of a revolution?

  A.—so many people think we have already had one that there is little danger of them trying to start it

  besides how are you going to revolt against a government when you cant find out what kind of a government it is

  suppose you were a radical and started a revolution

  you would feel pretty cheap wouldnt you if you found out later that what you had revolted against was just what you had been advocating

  the thing that is going to save the country is the fact that no one knows what is the matter with it

  after while there will be a general agreement that maybe there isnt anything much the matter with it

  Q.—Archy, are you a conservative or a radical?

  A.—here dont you ask me that

  i got worried almost to the point of insanity asking myself that when i was down in washington finally i decided to end it all i climbed to the top of the washington monument and jumped off to commit suicide but i dont weigh so much i floated to the ground as gently as a snowflake

  hell i said whats the use

  fate is against me i cant even kill myself

  but there are a lot of other experts who are heavier than i am in every sense of the word

  and there is the washington monument

  they might have better luck and it might prove one of the most popular features of the recovery program

  Q.—Did you gain any inkling of the way to abolish industrial troubles?

  A.—oh yes that is easy

  just abolish industry and there will be no further industrial troubles

  Q.—Did you survey Congress?
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  A.—i didnt like to run any risk of waking it up

  Q.—What was your general feeling, after your investigations?

  A.—optimistic decidedly so i think what human beings have agreed to call civilization is on its way out not only in this country but all over the world

  whatever succeeds it cant be worse and may be better

  so many americans had been coming to their state

  hold everything

  agreements to scrap

  naval vessels are what you make them

  but if this country

  and great britain dont want a war

  theyd better cut out

  international yacht races

  while we are reforming

  so many other things

  it might not be a bad idea

  to begin investigating

  the efficiency displayed on passenger

  ships

  before they burn up or sink

  instead of afterward

  but of course a simple thing like that

  couldnt be done by human beings

  it is only ants spiders bees and other

  insects

  who know how to organize a society

  and make it work

  i have observed

  a queer cycle in human affairs

  a boy comes to the city

  from the country

  when he is twenty years old

  and works his nerves into tattered

  dishrags

  for forty years

  just to get money enough

  so that he can go and live

  in the country again and nurse

  his nervous breakdown

  i went into a flea circus

  on broadway the other day

  and overheard a conversation between

  two of the performers

  human beings said one of the clowns

  never seem to understand

  that they look just as funny to us fleas

  as us fleas look to human beings

  dont talk to me

  said the ringmaster flea

  about human beings

  what the hell are they

  except something to eat

  i do not kick against my fate

  i think that life is swell

  contentedly i sit and wait

  for the world to go to hell

  and if by some queer accident

  it goes the other way

  i ll try and face that strange event

  gamely day by day

 

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