by Don Marquis
bed and go up on the
roof in your
spirit and float around
like a toy balloon its
great stuff well while
i was sitting there
thinking what i
would inhabit next if
it was up to me
personally i had
a swooning sensation
and when i came
to i was in the
flesh again dad gum
it i lifted first
one leg and then
another to see what i
was this time and
imagine my chagrin and
disappointment when i
found myself inside
another cockroach the
exact counterpart of the
one you smashed whats
the use of dying if
it dont get you
anywhere i was so
sore i went and
murdered a tumblebug i
suppose as a cockroach
i was not good enough
to be promoted
and not bad enough to
be set back boss a
thing like that makes a
fellow feel awful humble i
came back to town in
that special delivery letter i
would rather dodge
the thing
they cancel stamps with
all day than walk again
say boss
please thank my friends
for all the kind
words and flowers i
must close in haste there
is a new rat
in your office since i
was here last i
wish you would sprinkle a
little cereal in the
bottom of the waste paper
basket
archy
a discussion
there is a good deal
of metaphysical discussion going on
amongst my own little group here
i said freddy the rat was no
more he expired at the moment he
slew that tarantula well he had
once been a human and had
transmigrated into a rat just
as i had transmigrated into a
cockroach the question now
is where will freddy turn up next will
he go up or down the scale and
that has led to the further question as
to what is up and what is down
producing considerable dissension all the
spiders claim they are higher in
the scale than the cockroaches and that
lazy cat mehitabel looks on superciliously
as if confident that she has it on
all of us spiritually speaking
well all i have to say is that in
my case a soul got out of a vers libre
bard into a cockroach but i have
known cases which are exactly the
reverse if you get what i mean
not that i would name any names
archy
quarantined
well boss i suppose you
wonder what has become of
me lately i have been
quarantined or rather
i quarantined myself
voluntarily lest
i help spread the
influenza on the
back of a cockroach
no larger than
myself millions of
influenza germs may lodge i
have a sense of responsibility
to the public and i
have been lying for two weeks
in a barrel of moth
balls in a drug store
without food or water it
strikes me as a good time to
come across with that
raise of salary you
are always promising me
archy
archy s statue
say boss but its great to
be famous when i saw that pedestrian
statue of myself on your desk i reflected that not
every one is privileged to see his
monument erected before he dies nor
after either for that matter it
gave me the feeling that i was looking at my own
tombstone erected in memory of my good
deeds how noble i will have to be to live up
to all that i felt just as a person might
feel who was hearing his own funeral
sermon preached over him i
stared at the statue and the statue stared at
me and i resolved in the future to be
a better cockroach of course it doesn’t flatter me
any my middle set of legs arent really
that bowed but the intellectual look
on my face is all there
archy
the open spaces
one trouble with
cockroaches is that they
do not get
out into the open
air enough
even the tumble
bugs play golf
and it keeps
them serene and
wholesome even the
angle worms feel
drawn to the
brook side in the
spring i am trying
to start a
back to nature movement
among my fellow
cockroaches maybe i
can count on the
co operation of the
housewives league i
am convinced that a
great deal of the
popular prejudice against
cockroaches would
vanish if they
took to the great
open spaces yours
archy
short course in natural history
you should be glad
you re not a tomcat
for when all is said
and done
you know youd hate
to pay insurance
on nine lives instead of one
be glad you re not
a centipede
you might your whole
ambition lose
if you had to find
the cash
to keep a centipede
in shoes
be glad you re not
a devilfish
if you had four pairs
of feet
what a trail
you d leave behind you
when you staggered
with the heat
archy
archy protests
well boss now youve got
your desk all cleaned up for the
first time since ive known you what
am i going to do for
a safe retreat in times of dire
need formerly i could crawl under a
bushel of poems and mehitabel the
cat could not find me this
room is as bare as the inside of
a drum you might at
least have left me a tobacco can i
feel as visible as a hyphen and not
half so sure of myself
archy
archy on amateur gardens
well boss i have
been looking over your
garden and my
thoughts on the
subject have fallen naturally
into the form of a little
dialogue among the
plants and inhabitants of the
garden to wit as follows
garter snake
how wan on the first of july
the gardens of april appear
now the plants that aspired to the sky
droop and think of the bier
first onion
i am a disillusione
d onion plant
so sad so sad am i
that if one fed me to a maiden ant
she would curl up and die
indeterminate vegetable
in youth i hoped a bean to grow
but what i am i do not know
first beet
i have malaria croup and botts
second beet
i have such leprous looking spots
third beet
i was a beet of promise as a young beet
but now i have the mournful feeling
that neither root nor top nor peeling
will ever be fit to eat
garter snake
ah what a melancholy patch
toad
yon egg plant there will never hatch
indeterminate vegetable
one paused by me but yesterday
and spoke of me as hay
but what i really am i do not know
cucumber vine
strange insects walk me to and fro
pepper plant
had i been treated with formaldehyde
that goat that in the dewy eves
came here to feast upon my leaves
might not have died
second onion
the great splay feet of destiny
have trodden me have trampled me
rhubarb
ah once i hoped to line a pie
cucumber vine
will you marauding hen pass by
or must i die
indeterminate vegetable
what thing i am i do not know
men have no name for me
garter snake
i think you are a spinach vine
toad
and i should call you eglantine
sparrow
perhaps you are a pea
first bean
i was a bean
unto some glad tureen
i might have given tone
but a dog yestereen
hiding a bone
took from me all my mundane hope
indeterminate vegetable
sometimes i think i am a canteloupe
second bean
drooping between two hills of corn
i am the butt of all mens scorn
third bean
ah how i aspired
in the glad may morn
fourth bean
i am so tired so tired
sparrow
friend toad from yonder plant keep you away
i saw a neighbor child but yesterday
from off its foliage pluck a spray
and then how he yelled
and his hand turned black and swelled
indeterminate vegetable
perhaps im not a plant at all
but some strange sort of animal
first cabbage
pigeons have riddled me and weasels
second cabbage
im spotted as with german measles
first corn stalk
woe
second corn stalk
woe
third corn stalk
woe is me ah woe woe woe
fourth corn stalk
even the weeds beside me do not grow
first turnip
gott
second turnip
gott gott gott
third turnip
mildew blight and rot
fourth turnip
and smallpox like as not
indeterminate vegetable
but cheer brothers cheer
perhaps before the year
dwindles to winter drear
well poison some one here
i know not what i am
parsley from siam
a vegetable ham
or a long island clam
but this i know i hate
my miserable state
and all human beans
i hate life and fate
i hate men and greens
i hate hens and grass
i hate garden sass
who gets me on a plate
shall learn how i hate
i hate chards romaine
children and goats
old men and young men
people and oats
and im full of ptomaine
who puts me within him
scorpions had better skin him
who puts me inside her
had better eat a spider
i know not what i be
alfalfa corn or pea
but cheer brothers cheer
before the glad new year
well poison some one here
i might give you some advice
about your garden
boss but likely you would
not thank me for it
so i will only make one
suggestion to wit if the
garden were mine i
would set out another cabbage
plant in it and then
give it to the butterflies for
an aviation ground
archy
i would rather far get pally with a pretzel and a seidel
archy on this and that
1
an old stomach
reforms more whiskey drinkers
than a new resolve
and the sexton
stops more than either
2
the world would take its ethics
as seriously as its amusements
three em dash
if they were as amusing
3
a man who is so dull
that he can learn only by personal experience
is too dull to learn
anything important by experience
4
a great many people
who spend their time mourning
over the brevity of life
could make it seem longer
if they did a little more work
5
judging by the number and variety
of pills and religions in the world
the chief preoccupation of man
has been the state of his digestion
and the condition of his soul
and just look at both of them
6
a lot of people
would get back to work now
but they cant afford to take the time off
from keeping the relief agencies going
for if they shut up
that would throw a lot of specialists
out of jobs
i heard one of these bozos
talking to a buddy the other day and made
a little song out of his sentiments
as follows
the dignity of labor
is a phrase i like to see
imposing on my neighbor
but it cant impose on me
i had rather dilly dally
rest and loaf and idle
i would rather far get pally
with a pretzel and a seidel
of beer
mehitabel sees it through
dear boss i met mehitabel
last night and asked her if
she did not think times were getting
a little better
she was digging for sustenance in a trash heap
at the moment and she looked as if
she might be a part of the heap herself
one of her legs has been damaged again
in a fight with a rival in love
but she began to caper when i spoke to her
and replied as follows
good times and bad times
recoveries and depressions
wotthehell do i care
as long as somethings doing
when i lived on salmon
and oysters stewed in cream
i wasnt always happy
when i dug my scoffins
out of frozen garbage heaps
i wasnt always sad
economic problems
never tell the story
as far as im concerned
once i lived a fortnight
on moonlight wind and grass
and i danced every evening
with the shadows in the alley
and entertained my boy friends
with my melodious songs
wotthehell do i care
if the stomachs empty
when the spirits full
i have had my ups
boss i think mehitabel is mistaken about the milky way
and i have had my downs
but whether i was up
or whether i was down
there was something in my blood
that always set it dancing
and when the blood was jigging
the feet began to caper
some day i will voyage
on top a garbage scow
just a stiff dead feline
wreathed in orange peel and melon rinds
with shop worn salad garnished
down the bay theyll take me
to the dumping grounds
defunct as ancient nut shells
but wotchehell do i care
that day has not arrived
and good times or bad times
hard times or easy
there are three good feet
on old mehitabel
and she will keep them jigging
till the grim reaper slices
two more of them off
and then she ll dance on one
till its frozen and resigns
and then her soul will caper
along the milky way
theres a dance or two in the old dame yet
and the word is toujours gai
boss i think mehitabel is mistaken
about the milky way
i think she is more like to dance
on hot cinders in the hereafter
archy
mehitabel meets her mate
tis the right of a modern tabby to choose
the cats who shall father her kits
and its nice to be sure their pasts have been pure
and theyre free from fleas or fits
trial marriage i tried till i thoroughly tired
