by Elinor Glyn
300 PARK STREET,
Saturday night, _November 19th._
I do not much care to look back to the rest of my stay at Tryland. It isan unpleasant memory.
That next day after I last wrote, it poured with rain, and every one camedown cross to breakfast. The whole party appeared, except Lady Verningham,and breakfast was just as stiff and boring as dinner. I happened to beseated when Lord Robert came in, and Malcolm was in the place beside me.Lord Robert hardly spoke, and looked at me once or twice with his eyebrowsright up.
I did long to say it was because I had promised Lady Ver I would not playwith him that I was not talking to him now like the afternoon before. Iwonder if he ever guessed it. Oh, I wished then, and I have wished ahundred times since, that I had never promised at all. It seemed as if itwould be wisest to avoid him, as how could I explain the change in myself?I hated the food, and Malcolm had such an air of proprietorship it annoyedme as much as I could see it annoyed Lady Katherine. I sniffed at him, andwas as disagreeable as could be.
The breakfasts there don't shine, and porridge is pressed upon people byMr. Montgomerie. "Capital stuff to begin the day--burrrr," he says.
Lord Robert could not find anything he wanted, it seemed. Every one waspeevish. Lady Katherine has a way of marshalling people on every occasion;she reminds me of a hen with chickens, putting her wings down and cluckingand chasing till they are all in a corner. And she is rather that shape,too, very much rounded in front. The female brood soon found themselves inthe morning-room, with the door shut, and no doubt the male things faredthe same with their host--anyway, we saw no more of them till we caughtsight of them passing the windows in scutums and mackintoshes, a depressedcompany of sportsmen.
The only fortunate part was that Malcolm had found no opportunity toremind me of my promise, whatever it was, and I felt safer.
Oh, that terrible morning! Much worse than when we were alone; nearly allof them, about seven women beyond the family, began fancy-work.
One, a Lady Letitia Smith, was doing a crewel silk blotting-book that mademe quite bilious to look at, and she was very short-sighted, and had suchan irritating habit of asking every one to match her threads for her. Theyknitted ties and stockings, and crocheted waistcoats and comforters andhoods for the North Sea fishermen, and one even tatted. Just likehousemaids do in their spare hours to trim Heaven knows what garment ofunbleached calico.
I asked her what it was for, and she said for the children's pinafores inher "guild" work. If one doesn't call that waste of time, I wonder whatis.
Mrs. Carruthers said it was much more useful to learn to sit still and notfidget than to fill the world with rubbish like this.
Mary Mackintosh dominated the conversation. She and Lady Letitia Smith,who have both small babies, revelled in nursery details, and thenwhispered bits for us, the young girls not to hear. We caught scrapsthough, and it sounded grewsome, whatever it was about. Oh, I do wonderwhen I get married if I shall grow like them!
I hope not.
It is no wonder married men are obliged to say gallant things to otherpeople, if, when they get home, their wives are like that.
I tried to be agreeable to a lady who was next me. She was a ChristianScientist, and wore glasses. She endeavored to convert me, but I wasabnormally thick-headed that day, and had to have things explained overand over, so she gave it up at last.
Finally, when I felt I should do something desperate, a footman came tosay Lady Verningham wished to see me in her room, and I bounded up, but asI got to the door I saw them beginning to shake their heads over her.
"Sad that dear Ianthe has such irregular habits of breakfasting in herroom; so bad for her," etc., etc. But, thank Heaven, I was soon outside inthe hall, where her maid was waiting for me.
One would hardly have recognized that it was a Montgomerie apartment, thebig room overlooking the porch, where she was located, so changed did itsaspect seem. She had numbers of photographs about, and the loveliest goldtoilet things, and lots of frilled garments, and flowers, andscent-bottles; and her own pillows propping her up, all blue silk, andlovely muslin embroideries; and she did look such a sweet, cosey thingamong it all, her dark hair in fluffs round her face, and an angelic lacecap over it. She was smoking a cigarette, and writing numbers of letterswith a gold stylograph pen. The blue silk quilt was strewn withcorrespondence, and newspapers, and telegraph forms. And her garment waslow-necked, of course, and thin like mine. I wondered what Alexander wouldhave thought if he could have seen her in contrast to Mary. I know which Iwould choose if I were a man.
"Oh, there you are!" she exclaimed, looking up, and puffing smoke clouds."Sit on the bye-bye, snake-girl. I felt I must rescue you from the hoardof holies below, and I wanted to look at you in the daylight. Yes, youhave extraordinary hair, and real eyelashes and complexion, too. You are awitch thing, I can see, and we shall all have to beware of you."
I smiled. She did not say it rudely, or I should have been uppish at once.She has a wonderful charm.
"You don't speak much, either," she continued. "I feel you are dangerous.That is why I am being so civil to you; I think it wisest. I can't standgirls as a rule." And she went into one of her ripples of laughter. "Nowsay you will not hurt me."
"I should not hurt any one," I said. "Unless they hurt me first, and Ilike you, you are so pretty."
"That is all right," she said. "Then we are comrades. I was frightenedabout Robert last evening, because I am so attached to him; but you were adarling after dinner, and it will be all right now. I told him you wouldprobably marry Malcolm Montgomerie, and he was not to interfere."
"I shall do nothing of the kind!" I exclaimed, moving off the bed. "Iwould as soon die as spend the rest of my life here at Tryland."
"He will be fabulously rich one day, you know, and you could get roundpere Montgomerie in a trice, and revolutionize the whole place. You hadbetter think of it."
"I won't," I said, and I felt my eyes sparkle. She put up her hands as ifto ward off an evil spirit, and she laughed again. "Well, you sha'n'tthen. Only don't flash those emeralds at me; they give me quivers allover."
"Would _you_ like to marry Malcolm?" I asked and I sat down again. "Fancybeing owned by that! Fancy seeing it every day! Fancy living with a personwho never sees a joke from week's end to week's end! Oh!"
"As for that--" and she puffed smoke. "Husbands are a race apart--thereare men, women, and husbands; and if they pay bills, and shoot big game inAfrica, it is all one ought to ask of them; to be able to see jokes issuperfluous. Mine is most inconvenient, because he generally adores me,and at best only leaves me for a three weeks' cure at Homburg, and now andthen a week at Paris; but Malcolm could be sent to the Rocky Mountains,and places like that, continuously; he is quite a sportsman."
"That is not my idea of a husband," I said.
"Well, what is your idea, snake-girl?"
"Why do you call me 'snake-girl'?" I asked. "I hate snakes."
She took her cigarette out of her mouth, and looked at me for someseconds.
"Because you are so sinuous; there is not a stiff line about yourmovements, you are utterly wicked-looking and attractive, too, andun-English, and what in the world Aunt Katherine asked you here for withthose hideous girls I can't imagine. I would not have, if my three angelswere grown up, and like them--" Then she showed me the photographs of herthree angels--they are pets.
But my looks seemed to bother her, for she went back to them.
"Where do you get them from? Was your mother some other nation?"
I told her how poor mamma had been rather an accident, and was nobodymuch. "One could not tell, you see; she might have had any quaint creaturebeyond the grand-parents--perhaps I am mixed with Red Indian or nigger."
She looked at me searchingly.
"No, you are not; you are Venetian. That is it--some wicked, beautifulfriend of a Doge, come to life again."
"I know I am wicked," I said. "I am always told it; but I have not doneanything yet, or had any fun out of it, and I do want to."
She laughed again.
"Well, you must come to London with me when I leave here on Saturday, andwe will see what we can do."
This sounded so nice, and yet I had a feeling that I wanted to refuse; ifthere had been a tone of patronage in her voice, I would have in a minute.We sat and talked a long time, and she did tell me some interestingthings. The world, she assured me, was a delightful place if one couldescape bores, and had a good cook and a few friends. After a while I lefther, as she suddenly thought she would come down to luncheon.
"I don't think it would be safe, at the present stage, to leave you alonewith Robert," she said.
I was angry.
"I have promised not to play with him; is that not enough?" I exclaimed.
"Do you know, I believe it is, snake-girl," she said, and there wassomething wistful in her eyes; "but you are twenty, and I am past thirty,and--he is a man. So one can't be too careful." Then she laughed, and Ileft her putting a toe into a blue satin slipper and ringing for hermaid.
I don't think age can matter much; she is far more attractive than anygirl, and she need not pretend she is afraid of me. But the thing thatstruck me then, and has always struck me since, is that to have to _hold_a man by one's own manoeuvres could not be agreeable to one'sself-respect. I would _never_ do that under any circumstances; if he wouldnot stay because it was the thing he wanted to do most in the world, hemight go. I should say, "Je m'en fiche!"
At luncheon, for which the guns came in--no nice picnic in a lodge as atBranches--I purposely sat between two old gentlemen, and did my best to berespectful and intelligent. One was quite a nice old thing, and at the endbegan paying me compliments. He laughed and laughed at everything I said.Opposite me were Malcolm and Lord Robert, with Lady Ver between them. Theyboth looked sulky. It was quite a while before she could get them gay andpleasant. I did not enjoy myself.
After it was over, Lord Robert deliberately walked up to me.
"Why are you so capricious?" he asked. "I won't be treated like this. Youknow very well I have only come here to see you. We are such friends--orwere. Why?"
Oh, I did want to say I was friends still, and would love to talk to him.He seemed so adorably good-looking, and such a shape! And his blue eyeshad the nicest flash of anger in them.
I could have kept my promise to the letter, and yet broken it in thespirit, easily enough, by letting him understand by inference; but ofcourse one could not be so mean as that when one was going to eat hersalt, so I looked out of the window and answered coldly that I was quitefriendly and did not understand him, and I immediately turned to my oldgentleman and walked with him into the library. In fact, I was as cool asI could be without being actually rude, but all the time there was a flat,heavy feeling round my heart. He looked so cross and reproachful, and Idid not like him to think me capricious.
We did not see them again until tea--the sportsmen, I mean. But tea atTryland is not a friendly time; it is just as stiff as other meals. LadyVer never let Lord Robert leave her side, and immediately after teaeverybody who stayed in the drawing-room played bridge, where they wereplanted until the dressing-bell rang.
One would have thought Lady Katherine would have disapproved of cards, butI suppose every one must have one contradiction about them, for she lovesbridge, and played for the lowest stakes with the air of a "needyadventurer" as the books say.
I can't write the whole details of the rest of the visit. I was miserable,and that is the truth. Fate seemed to be against Lord Robert speaking tome, even when he tried, and I felt I must be extra cool and nasty becauseI--oh, well, I may as well say it--he attracts me very much. I never oncelooked at him from under my eyelashes, and after the next day he did noteven try to have an explanation.
He glanced with wrath sometimes, especially when Malcolm hung over me, andLady Ver said his temper was dreadful.
She was so sweet to me, it almost seemed as if she wanted to make up to mefor not letting me play with Lord Robert.
(Of course, I would not allow her to see I minded that.)
And finally Friday came, and the last night.
I sat in my room from tea until dinner. I could not stand Malcolm anylonger. I had fenced with him rather well up to then, but that promise ofmine hung over me. I nipped him every time he attempted to explain what itwas, and to this moment I don't know, but it did not prevent him fromsaying tiresome, loving things, mixed with priggish advice. I don't knowwhat would have happened, only when he got really horribly affectionate,just after tea, I was so exasperated I launched this bomb.
"I don't believe a word you are saying--your real interest is AngelaGrey."
He nearly had a fit, and shut up at once. So, of course, it is not ahorse. I felt sure of it. Probably one of those people Mrs. Carrutherssaid all young men knew--their adolescent measles and chicken-pox, shecalled them.
All the old men talked a great deal to me, and even the other two youngones; but these last days I did not seem to have any of my usual spirits.Just as we were going to bed on Friday night Lord Robert came up to LadyVer; she had her hand through my arm.
"I can come to the play with you on Saturday night, after all," he said."I have wired to Campion to make a fourth, and you will get some otherwoman, won't you?"
"I will try," said Lady Ver, and she looked right into his eyes; then sheturned to me. "I shall feel so cruel leaving you alone, Evangeline" (atonce, almost, she called me Evangeline; I should never do that withstrangers), "but I suppose you ought not to be seen at a play just yet."
"I like being alone," I said. "I shall go to sleep early."
Then they settled to dine all together at her house, and go on; so,knowing I should see him again, I did not even say good-bye to LordRobert, and he left by the early train.
A number of the guests came up to London with us.
My leave-taking with Lady Katherine had been coldly cordial. I thanked herdeeply for her kindness in asking me there. She did not renew theinvitation; I expect she felt a person like me, who would have to lookafter themselves, was not a suitable companion to her altar-cloth andpoker workers.
Up to now, she told Lady Ver, of course I had been most carefully broughtup and taken care of by Mrs. Carruthers, although she had not approved ofher views. And having done her best for me at this juncture, saving mefrom staying alone with Mr. Carruthers, she felt it was all she was calledupon to do. She thought my position would become too unconventional fortheir circle in future! Lady Ver told me all this with great glee. Shewas sure it would amuse me, it so amused her, but it made me a teeny bitremember the story of the boys and the frogs!
Lady Ver now and then puts out a claw which scratches, while she rippleswith laughter. Perhaps she does not mean it.
This house is nice, and full of pretty things, as far as I have seen. Wearrived just in time to fly into our clothes for dinner. I am in a weeroom four stories up, by the three angels. I was down first, and LordRobert and Mr. Campion were in the drawing-room. Sir Charles Verningham isin Paris, by-the-way, so I have not seen him yet.
Lord Robert was stroking the hair of the eldest angel, who had not gone tobed. The loveliest thing she is, and so polite, and different to MaryMackintosh's infants.
He introduced Mr. Campion stiffly, and returned to Mildred--the angel.
Suddenly mischief came into me, the reaction from the last dull days; so Ilooked straight at Mr. Campion from under my eyelashes, and it had theeffect it always has on people--he became interested at once. I don't knowwhy this does something funny to them. I remember I first noticed it inthe school-room at Branches. I was doing a horrible exercise upon the_participe passe_, and feeling very _egaree_, when one of the oldambassadors came in to see mademoiselle. I looked up quickly, with my heada little down, and he said to mademoiselle, in a low voice, in German,that I had the strangest eyes he had ever seen, and that uplook under theeye
lashes was the affair of the devil!
Now I knew even then the affair of the devil is something attractive, so Ihave never forgotten it, although I was only about fifteen at the time. Ialways determined I would try it when I grew up and wanted to createemotions. Except Mr. Carruthers and Lord Robert, I have never had muchchance, though.
Mr. Campion sat down beside me on a sofa, and began to say at once that Iought to be going to the play with them. I spoke in my velvet voice, andsaid I was in too deep mourning, and he apologized so nicely, ratherconfused.
He is quite a decent-looking person, smart and well groomed, like LordRobert, but not that lovely shape. We talked on for about ten minutes. Isaid very little, but he never took his eyes off my face. All the time Iwas conscious that Lord Robert was fidgeting and playing with a china cowthat was on a table near, and just before the butler announced Mrs.Fairfax he dropped it on the floor and broke its tail off.
Mrs. Fairfax is not pretty; she has reddish-gold hair, with brown roots,and a very dark skin, but it is nicely done--the hair, I mean, and perhapsthe skin too, as sideways you can see the pink sticking up on it. It mustbe rather a nuisance to have to do all that, but it is certainly betterthan looking like Mary Mackintosh. She doesn't balance nicely--bits of herare too long or too short. I do like to see everything in the rightplace--like Lord Robert's figure. Lady Ver came in just then, and we allwent down to dinner. Mrs. Fairfax gushed at her a good deal. Lady Ver doesnot like her much--she told me in the train--but she was obliged to wireto her to come, as she could not get any one else Mr. Campion liked on soshort a notice.
"The kind of woman every one knows, and who has no sort of pride," shesaid.
Well, even when I am really an adventuress I sha'n't be like that.
Dinner was very gay.
Lady Ver, away from her decorous relations, is most amusing. She saysanything that comes into her head. Mrs. Fairfax got cross because Mr.Campion would speak to me; but as I did not particularly take to her, Idid not mind, and just amused myself. As the party was so small, LordRobert and I were obliged to talk a little, and once or twice I forgotand let myself be natural and smile at him. His eyebrows went up in thatquestioning, pathetic way he has, and he looked so attractive--that mademe remember again, and instantly turn away. When we were coming into thehall, while Lady Ver and Mrs. Fairfax were up putting on their cloaks,Lord Robert came up close to me and whispered:
"I _can't_ understand you. There is some reason for your treating me likethis, and I will find it out. Why are you so cruel, little, wicked tigercat?" and he pinched one of my fingers until I could have cried out.
That made me so angry.
"How dare you touch me!" I said. "It is because you know I have no one totake care of me that you presume like this."
I felt my eyes blaze at him, but there was a lump in my throat. I wouldnot have been hurt if it had been any one else, only angry; but he hadbeen so respectful and gentle with me at Branches, and I had liked him somuch. It seemed more cruel for him to be impertinent now.
His face fell; indeed, all the fierceness went out of it, and he lookedintensely miserable.
"Oh, don't say that!" he said, in a choked voice. "I--oh, that is the onething you know is not true."
Mr. Campion, with his fur coat fastened, came up at that moment, sayinggallant things, and insinuating that we must meet again, but I saidgood-night quietly, and came up the stairs without a word more to LordRobert.
"Good-night, Evangeline, pet," Lady Ver said, when I met her on thedrawing-room landing, coming down. "I do feel a wretch, leaving you, butto-morrow I will really try and amuse you. You look very pale, child; thejourney has tried you, probably."
"Yes, I am tired," I tried to say in a natural voice, but the end wordshook a little, and Lord Robert was just behind, having run up the stairsafter me, so I fear he must have heard.
"Miss Travers--please--" he implored, but I walked on up the next flight,and Lady Ver put her hand on his arm and drew him down with her, and as Igot up to the fourth floor I heard the front door shut.
And now they are gone and I am alone. My tiny room is comfortable, and thefire is burning brightly. I have a big arm-chair and books, and this, myjournal, and all is cosey--only I feel so miserable.
I won't cry and be a silly coward.
Why, of course it is amusing to be free. And I am _not_ grieving over Mrs.Carruthers's death--only perhaps I am lonely, and I wish I were at thetheatre. No, I don't--I--Oh, the thing I do wish is that--that--_no_, Iwon't write it even.
Good-night, journal!
