by Elinor Glyn
Thursday night, _November 24th._
"Now that you have embarked upon this--" Lady Ver said, when I venturedinto her sitting-room, hearing no voices, about six o'clock. (Mr.Carruthers had left me at the door at the end of our walk, and I had beenwith the angels at tea ever since.) "Now that you have embarked upon thisopera, I say, you will have to dine at Willis's with us. I won't be inwhen Charlie arrives from Paris. A blowy day like to-day his temper issure to be impossible."
"Very well," I said.
Of what use, after all, for an adventuress like me to have sensitivefeelings.
"And I am leaving this house at a quarter to seven, I wish you to know,Evangeline, pet," she called after me, as I flew off to dress. As a ruleLady Ver takes a good hour to make herself into the attractive darling sheis in the evening. She has not to do much, because she is lovely bynature, but she potters and squabbles with Welby, to divert herself, Isuppose.
However, to-night, with the terror upon her of a husband fresh from arough Channel passage going to arrive at seven o'clock, she was actuallydressed and down in the hall when I got there punctually at 6.45, and inthe twinkle of an eye we were rolling in the electric to Willis's. I haveonly been there once before, and that to lunch in Mrs. Carruthers's dayswith some of the ambassadors; and it does feel gay going to a restaurantat night. I felt more excited than ever in my life, and such a situation,too!
Lord Robert--_fruit defendu!_--and Mr. Carruthers--_empresse_--and to bekept in bounds!
More than enough to fill the hands of a maiden of sixteen fresh from aconvent, as old Count Someroff used to say when he wanted to express areally difficult piece of work.
They were waiting for us just inside the door, and again I noticed thatthey were both lovely creatures, and both exceptionally distinguishedlooking.
Lady Ver nodded to a lot of people before we took our seats in a nicelittle corner. She must have an agreeable time with so many friends. Shesaid something which sounds so true in one of our talks, and I thought ofit then.
"It is wiser to marry the life you like, because after a little the mandoesn't matter." She has evidently done that, but I wish it could bepossible to have both--the man and the life. Well! Well!
One has to sit rather close on those sofas, and as Lord Robert was not thehost, he was put by me. The other two at a right-angle to us.
I felt exquisitely gay--in spite of having an almost high black dress onand not even any violets.
It was dreadfully difficult not to speak nicely to my neighbor, hisdirectness and simplicity are so engaging, but I did try hard toconcentrate myself on Christopher and leave him alone, only--I don't knowwhy--the sense of his being so near me made me feel, I don't quite knowwhat. However, I hardly spoke to him--Lady Ver shall never say I did notplay fair--though, insensibly, even she herself drew me into a friendlyconversation, and then Lord Robert looked like a happy school-boy.
We had a delightful time.
Mr. Carruthers is a perfect host. He has all the smooth and exquisitemanners of the old diplomats, without their false teeth and things. I wishI were in love with him, or even I wish something inside me would only letme feel it was my duty to marry him; but it jumps up at me every time Iwant to talk to myself about it, and says, "Absolutely impossible."
When it came to starting for the opera, "Mr. Carruthers will take you inhis brougham, Evangeline," Lady Ver said, "and I will be protected byRobert. Come along, Robert," as he hesitated.
"Oh, I say, Lady Ver!" he said, "I would love to come with you, but won'tit look rather odd for Miss Evangeline to arrive alone with Christopher?Consider his character!"
Lady Ver darted a glance of flame at him and got into the electric, whileChristopher, without hesitation, handed me into his brougham. Lord Robertand I were two puppets, a part I do not like playing.
I was angry altogether. She would not have dared to have left me go likethis if I had been any one who mattered. Mr. Carruthers got in, and tuckedhis sable rug round me. I never spoke a word for a long time, and CoventGarden is not far off, I told myself. I can't say why I had a sense of_malaise_.
There was a strange look in his face as a great lamp threw a light on it."Evangeline," he said, in a voice I have not yet heard, "when are yougoing to finish playing with me? I am growing to love you, you know."
"I am very sorry to hear it," I said, gently. "I don't want you to. Oh,please _don't_!" as he took my hand. "I--I--if you only knew how I _hate_being touched!"
He leaned back and looked at me. There is something which goes to the heada little about being in a brougham with nice fur rugs alone with some oneat night. The lights flashing in at the windows, and that faint scent of avery good cigar. I felt fearfully excited. If it had been Lord Robert, Ibelieve--well----
He leaned over very close to me. It seemed in another moment he would kissme, and what could I do then? I couldn't scream, or jump out in LeicesterSquare, could I?
"Why do you call me Evangeline?" I said, by way of putting him off. "Inever said you might."
"Foolish child!--I shall call you what I please. You drive me mad. I don'tknow what you were born for. Do you always have this effect on people?"
"What effect?" I said, to gain time; we had got nearly into Long Acre.
"An effect that causes one to lose all discretion. I feel I would give mysoul to hold you in my arms."
I told him I did not think it was at all nice or respectful of him to talkso--that I found such love revolting.
"You tell me in your sane moments I am most unsuitable to you--you try tokeep away from me--and then when you get close you begin to talk thisstuff! I think it is an insult!" I said, angry and disdainful. "When Iarouse devotion and tenderness in some one, then I shall listen, but toyou and to this--never!"
"Go on," he said. "Even in the dim light you look beautiful when cross."
"I am not cross," I answered. "Only absolutely disgusted."
By that time, thank goodness, we had got into the stream of carriagesclose to the opera-house. Mr. Carruthers, however, seemed hardly to noticethis.
"Darling," he said, "I will try not to annoy you; but you are so fearfullyprovoking. I--tell you truly, no man would find it easy to keep cool withyou."
"Oh, I don't know what it is, being cool, or not cool," I said, wearily."I am tired of every one. Even as tiny a thing as Malcolm Montgomerie getsodd like this!"
He leaned back and laughed, and then said, angrily: "Impertinence! I willwring his neck!"
"Thank Heaven we have arrived!" I exclaimed, as we drove under theportico. I gave a great sigh of relief.
Really, men are very trying and tiresome, and if I shall always have toput up with these scenes through having red hair, I almost wish it weremouse-colored, like Cicely Parker's. Mrs. Carruthers often said, "Youneed not suppose, Evangeline, that you are going to have a quiet life withyour coloring; the only thing one can hope for is that you will screw onyour head."
Lady Ver and Lord Robert were already in the hall waiting for us, but thesecond I saw them I knew she had been saying something to Lord Robert. Hisface, so gay and _debonnaire_ all through dinner, now looked set andstern, and he took not the slightest notice of me as we walked to thebox--the big one next the stage on the pit tier.
Lady Ver appeared triumphant--her eyes were shining with big blacks in themiddle, and such bright spots of pink in her cheeks--she looked lovely;and I can't think why, but I suddenly felt I hated her. It was horrid ofme, for she was so kind, and settled me in the corner behind the curtainwhere I could see and not be seen, rather far back, while she and LordRobert were quite in the front. It was "Carmen"--the opera. I had neverseen it before.
Music has such an effect--every note seems to touch some emotion in me. Ifeel wicked, or good, or exalted, or--or--oh, some queer feeling that Idon't know what it is--a kind of electric current down my back, and asif--as if I would like to love some one and have them to kiss me. Oh, itsounds perfectly dreadful what I have wr
itten, but I can't help it--thatis what some music does to me, and I said always I should tell the truthhere.
From the very beginning note to the end I was feeling--feeling--Oh, how Iunderstand her--Carmen!--_fruit defendu_ attracted her so--the beautiful,wicked, fascinating snake. I also wanted to dance, and to move like that,and I unconsciously quivered perhaps. I was cold as ice, and fearfullyexcited. The back of Lord Robert's beautifully set head impeded my view attimes. How exquisitely groomed he is! And one could see at a glance _his_mother had not been a housemaid! I never have seen anything look so wellbred as he does.
Lady Ver was talking to him in a cooing, low voice after the first act,and the second act, and indeed even when the third act had begun. Heseemed much more _empresse_ with her than he generally does. It--it hurtme, that and the music and the dancing, and Mr. Carruthers whisperingpassionate little words at intervals, even though I paid no attention tothem; but altogether I, too, felt a kind of madness.
Suddenly Lord Robert turned round, and for five seconds looked at me, hislovely, expressive blue eyes swimming with wrath and reproach and--oh, howit hurt me!--contempt. Christopher was leaning over the back of my chair,quite close, in a devoted attitude.
Lord Robert did not speak, but if a look could wither I must have turnedinto a dead oak-leaf. It awoke some devil in me. What had _I_ done to beannihilated so! _I_ was playing perfectly fair--keeping my word to LadyVer, and--oh, I felt as if it were breaking my heart.
But that look of Lord Robert's! It drove me to distraction, and everyinstinct to be wicked and attractive that I possess came up in me. Ileaned over to Lady Ver, so that I must be close to him, and I said littlethings to her, never one word to him; but I moved my seat, making itcertain the corner of his eye must catch sight of me, and I allowed myshoulders to undulate the faintest bit to that Spanish music. Oh, I candance as Carmen, too! Mrs. Carruthers had me taught every time we went toParis. She loved to see it herself.
I could hear Christopher breathing very quickly. "My God!" he whispered,"a man would go to hell for you."
Lord Robert got up abruptly and went out of the box.
Then it was as if Don Jose's dagger plunged into my heart, not Carmen's.That sounds high-flown, but I mean it--a sudden, sick, cold sensation, asif everything was numb. Lady Ver turned round pettishly to Christopher."What on earth is the matter with Robert?" she said.
"There is a Persian proverb which asserts a devil slips in between twowinds," said Christopher. "Perhaps that is what has happened in this boxto-night."
Lady Ver laughed harshly, and I sat there still as death. And all the timethe music and the movement on the stage went on. I am glad she is murderedin the end--glad! Only I would like to have seen the blood gush out. I amfierce--fierce--sometimes.
