by Elinor Glyn
CLARIDGE'S,
Sunday evening, _November 27th._
I have a great deal to write, and yet it is only a few hours since I shutup this book and replaced the key on my bracelet.
By a quarter-past three I was making my way through Grosvenor Square.Everything was misty and blurred, but not actually a thick fog--or anychance of being lost. By the time I got into the park it had lifted alittle. It seemed close and warm, and as I went on I got more depressed. Ihave never been out alone before--that in itself seemed strange, and oughtto have amused me.
The image of Christopher kept floating in front of me; his face seemed tohave the expression of a satyr. Well, at all events, he would never beable to break my heart like "Alicia Verney's"--nothing could ever make mecare for him. I tried to think of all the good I was going to get out ofthe affair, and how really fond I was of Branches.
I walked very fast; people loomed at me, and then disappeared in the mist.It was getting almost dusk, and suddenly I felt tired and sat down on abench.
I had wandered into a side path where there were no chairs. On the benchbefore mine I saw, as I passed, a tramp huddled up. I wondered what histhoughts were, and if he felt any more miserable than I did. I dare say Iwas crouching in a depressed position, too.
Not many people went by, and every moment it grew darker. In all my life,even on the days when Mrs. Carruthers taunted me about mamma being nobody,I have never felt so wretched. Tears kept rising in my eyes, and I did noteven worry to blink them away. Who would see me, and who in the worldwould care if they did see?
Suddenly I was conscious that a very perfect figure was coming out of themist towards me, but not until he was close to me, and stopping, with astart, peered into my face, did I recognize it was Lord Robert.
"Evangeline!" he exclaimed, in a voice of consternation. "I--what, oh!what is the matter?"
No wonder he was surprised. Why he had not taken me for some tramp, too,and passed on, I don't know.
"Nothing," I said, as well as I could, and tried to tilt my hat over myeyes. I had no veil on, unfortunately.
"I have just been for a walk. Why do you call me Evangeline and why areyou not in Northumberland?"
He looked so tall and beautiful, and his face had no expression ofcontempt or anger now, only distress and sympathy.
"I was suddenly put on guard yesterday, and could not get leave. I amgoing to-morrow," he said, not answering the first part, "but, oh, I can'tbear to see you sitting here alone and looking so, so miserable. Mayn't Itake you home? You will catch cold in the damp."
"Oh no, not yet. I won't go back yet," I said, hardly realizing what I wassaying. He sat down beside me and slipped his hand into my muff, pressingmy clasped fingers, the gentlest, friendliest caress a child might havemade in sympathy. It touched some foolish chord in my nature, some want ofself-control inherited from mamma's ordinary mother, I suppose; anyway thetears poured down my face. I could not help it. Oh, the shame of it! Tosit crying in the park, in front of Lord Robert, of all people in theworld, too!
"Dear, dear little girl," he said, "tell me about it," and he held my handin my muff with his strong, warm hand.
"I--I have nothing to tell," I said, choking down a sob. "I am ashamedfor you to see me like this, only--I am feeling so very miserable."
"Dear child!" he said. "Well, you are not to be--I won't have it. Has someone been unkind to you? Tell me, tell me." His voice was trembling withdistress.
"It's--it's nothing," I mumbled.
I dared not look at him, I knew his eyebrows would be up in that way thatattracts me so dreadfully.
"Listen," he whispered almost, and bent over me. "I want you to be friendswith me so that I can help you. I want you to go back to the time wepacked your books together. God knows what has come between us since--itis not of my doing. But I want to take care of you, dear little girl,to-day. It--oh, it hurts me so to see you crying here!"
"I--would like to be friends," I said. "I never wanted to be anythingelse, but I could not help it, and I can't now."
"Won't you tell me the reason?" he pleaded. "You have made me sodreadfully unhappy about it. I thought all sorts of things. You know I ama jealous beast."
There can't in the world be another voice as engaging as Lord Robert's,and he has a trick of pronouncing words that is too attractive; and theway his mouth goes when he is speaking, showing his perfectly chiselledlips under the little mustache! There is no use pretending. I was sittingthere on the bench going through thrills of emotion and longing for him totake me in his arms. It is too frightful to think of. I must be bad, afterall.
"Now you are going to tell me everything about it," he commanded. "Tobegin with: what made you suddenly change at Trylands after the firstafternoon--and then, what is it that makes you so unhappy now?"
"I can't tell you either," I said, very low. I hoped the commongrandmother would not take me as far as doing mean tricks to Lady Ver.
"Oh, you have made me wild!" he exclaimed, letting go my hand and leaningboth elbows on his knees, while he pushed his hat to the back of hishead--"perfectly mad with fury and jealousy! That brute Malcolm! And thenlooking at Campion at dinner, and, worst of all, Christopher in the box at'Carmen'! Wicked, naughty little thing! And yet underneath I have afeeling it is for some absurd reason, and not for sheer devilment. If Ithought that, I would soon get not to care. I did think it at 'Carmen.'"
"Yes, I know," I said.
"You know what?" he looked up, startled; then he took my hand again andsat close to me.
"Oh, please, please don't, Lord Robert!" I said.
It really made me quiver so with the loveliest feeling I have ever known,that I knew I should never be able to keep my head if he went on.
"Please, please don't hold my hand," I said. "It--it makes me not able tobehave nicely."
"Darling," he whispered, "then it shows that you like me, and I sha'n'tlet go until you tell me every little bit."
"Oh, I can't, I can't!" I felt too tortured, and yet, waves of joy wererushing over me. That _is_ a word, "darling," for giving feelings down theback.
"Evangeline," he said, quite sternly, "will you answer this question,then: Do you like me, or do you hate me? Because, as you must know verywell, I love you."
Oh, the wild joy of hearing him say that! What in the world did anythingelse matter? For a moment there was a singing in my ears, and I forgoteverything but our two selves. Then the picture of Christopher waiting forme, with his cold cynic's face and eyes blazing with passion, rushed intomy vision, and the duke's critical, suspicious, disapproving scrutiny,and I felt as if a cry of pain, like a wounded animal, escaped me.
"Darling, darling, what is it? Did I hurt your dear little hand?" LordRobert exclaimed, tenderly.
"No," I whispered, brokenly; "but I cannot listen to you. I am going backto Claridge's now, and I am going to marry Mr. Carruthers."
He dropped my hand as if it stung him.
"Good God! Then it is true," was all he said.
In fear I glanced at him, his face looked gray in the quickly gatheringmist.
"Oh, Robert!" I said, in anguish, unable to help myself. "It isn't becauseI want to. I--I--oh, probably I love you, but I must; there is nothingelse to be done."
"Isn't there?" he said, all the life and joy coming back to his face. "Doyou think I will let Christopher, or any other man in the world have you,now that you have confessed that?" and, fortunately, there was no one insight, because he put his arms round my neck and drew me close and kissedmy lips.
Oh, what nonsense people talk of heaven! Sitting on clouds and singingpsalms and things like that! There can't be any heaven half so lovely asbeing kissed by Robert. I felt quite giddy with happiness for severalexquisite seconds, then I woke up. It was all absolutely impossible, Iknew, and I must keep my head.
"Now you belong to me," he said, letting his arm slip down to my waist
,"so you must begin at the beginning, and tell me everything."
"No, no," I said, struggling feebly to free myself, and feeling so glad heheld me tight. "It is impossible, all the same, and that only makes itharder. Christopher is coming to see me at four, and I promised Lady Ver Iwould not be a fool, and would marry him."
"A fig for Lady Ver," he said, calmly. "If that is all, you leave her tome--she never argues with me."
"It is not only that; I--I promised I would never play with you."
"And you certainly never shall," he said, and I could see a look in hiseye as he purposely misconstrued my words, and then he deliberately kissedme again. Oh, I like it better than anything else in the world! How couldany one keep their head with Robert quite close, making love like that?
"You certainly never--never--shall," he said again, with a kiss betweeneach word. "I will take care of that. Your time of playing with people isover, mademoiselle. When you are married to me, I shall fight with any onewho dares to look at you."
"But I shall never be married to you, Robert," I said, though as I couldonly be happy for such a few moments I did not think it necessary to moveaway out of his arms. How thankful I was to the fog! and no one passing! Ishall always adore fogs.
"Yes, you will," he announced, with perfect certainty, "in about afortnight, I should think. I can't and won't have you staying atClaridge's by yourself. I shall take you back this afternoon to AuntSophia. Only all that we can settle presently; now for the moment I wantyou to tell me you love me, and that you are sorry for being such a littlebrute all this time."
"I did not know it until just now, but I think--I probably do loveyou--Robert," I said.
He was holding my hand in my muff again, the other arm round my waist.Absolutely disgraceful behavior in the park. We might have been Susan Janeand Thomas Augustus, and yet I was perfectly happy, and felt it was theonly natural way to sit.
A figure appeared in the distance--we started apart.
"Oh, really, really--" I gasped--"we---- you--must be different."
He leaned back and laughed.
"You sweet darling! Well, come, we will go for a drive in a hansom; wewill choose one without a light inside. Albert Gate is quite close--come!"and he rose, and taking my arm, not offering his to me, like in books, hedrew me on down the path.
I am sure any one would be terribly shocked to read what I have written,but not so much if they knew Robert, and how utterly adorable he is, andhow masterful, and simple, and direct. He does not split straws or bandywords. I had made the admission that I loved him, and that was enough togo upon.
As we walked along I tried to tell him it was impossible, that I must goback to Christopher, that Lady Ver would think I had broken my word aboutit. I did not, of course, tell him of her bargain with me over him, but heprobably guessed that, because before we got into the hansom even, he hadbegun to put me through a searching cross-examination as to the reasonsfor my behavior at Tryland, and Park Street, and the opera. I felt like achild with a strong man, and every moment more idiotically happy and inlove with him.
He told the cabman to drive to Hammersmith, and then put his arm round mywaist again, and held my hand, pulling my glove off backward first. It isa great, big, granny muff of sable I have, Mrs. Carruthers's present on mylast birthday. I never thought then to what charming use it would be put.
"Now I think we have demolished all your silly little reasons for makingme miserable," he said. "What others have you to bring forward as to whyyou can't marry me in a fortnight?"
I was silent--I did not know how to say it--the principal reason of all.
"Evangeline, darling," he pleaded. "Oh, why will you make us both unhappy?Tell me, at least."
"Your brother, the duke," I said, very low. "He will never consent to yourmarrying a person like me, with no relations."
He was silent for a second, then: "My brother is an awfully good fellow,"he said; "but his mind is warped by his infirmity. You must not thinkhardly of him; he will love you directly he sees you, like every oneelse."
"I saw him yesterday," I said.
Robert was so astonished.
"Where did you see him?" he asked.
Then I told him about meeting Lady Merrenden, and her asking me toluncheon, and about her having been in love with papa, and about the dukehaving looked me through and through with an expression of dislike.
"Oh, I see it all," said Robert, holding me closer. "Aunt Sophia and I aregreat friends, you know; she has always been like my mother, who died whenI was a baby. I told her all about you when I came from Branches, and howI had fallen deeply in love with you at first sight, and that she musthelp me to see you at Tryland; and she did, and then I thought you hadgrown to dislike me, so when I came back she guessed I was unhappy aboutsomething, and this is her first step to find out how she can do me a goodturn. Oh, she is a dear!"
"Yes, indeed, she is," I said.
"Of course she is extra interested in you if she was in love with yourfather. So that is all right, darling; she must know all about yourfamily, and can tell Torquilstone. Why, we have nothing to fear!"
"Oh yes, we have," I said. "I know all the story of what your brother is_toque_ about. Lady Ver told me. You see, the awkward part is mamma wasreally nobody; her father and mother forgot to get married, and althoughmamma was lovely and had been beautifully brought up by two old ladies atBrighton, it was a disgrace for papa marrying her. Mrs. Carruthers hasoften taunted me with this."
"Darling!" he interrupted, and began to kiss me again, and that gave mesuch feeling I could not collect my thoughts to go on with what I wassaying for a few minutes. We both were rather silly, if it is silly to bemadly, wildly happy, and oblivious of everything else.
"I will go straight to Aunt Sophia now, when I take you back toClaridge's," he said, presently, when we had got a little calmer.
I wonder what kisses do that it makes one have that perfectly lovelysensation down the back, just like certain music does, only much, muchmore so. I thought they would be dreadful things when it was a question ofChristopher, but Robert! Oh, well, as I said before, I can't think of anyother heaven.
"What time is it?" I had sense enough to ask presently.
He lit a match and looked at his watch.
"Ten minutes past five," he exclaimed.
"And Christopher was coming about four," I said; "and if you had notchanced to meet me in the park by now I should have been engaged to him,and probably trying to bear his kissing me."
"My God!" said Robert, fiercely; "it makes me rave to think of it," and heheld me so tight for a moment I could hardly breathe.
"You won't have any one else's kisses ever again in this world, and that Itell you," he said, through his teeth.
"I--I don't want them," I whispered creeping closer to him. "And I neverhave had any, never any one but you, Robert."
"Darling," he said, "how that pleases me!"
Of course, if I wanted to I could go on writing pages and pages of all thelovely things we said to each other, but it would sound, even to read tomyself, such nonsense that I can't, and I couldn't make the tone ofRobert's voice, or the exquisite fascination of his ways--tender, andadoring, and masterful. It must all stay in my heart, but oh! it is as ifa fairy with a wand had passed and said "bloom" to a winter tree. Numbersof emotions that I had never dreamed about were surging through me--thefloodgates of everything in my soul seemed opening in one rush of love andjoy. While we were together nothing appeared to matter, all barriersmelted away.
Fate would be sure to be kind to lovers like us.
We got back to Claridge's about six, and Robert would not let me go up tomy sitting-room until he had found out if Christopher had gone.
Yes, he had come at four, we discovered, and had waited twenty minutes,and then left, saying he would come again at half-past six.
"Then you will write him a note, and give it to the porter for him, sayingyou are engaged to me and can't see him," Robert said.
"
No, I won't do that. I am not engaged to you, and cannot be until yourfamily consent and are nice to me," I said.
"Darling!" he faltered, and his voice trembled with emotion. "Darling,love is between you and me--it is our lives. However, that can go. Theways of my family--nothing shall ever separate you from me or me from you,I swear it! Write to Christopher."
I sat down at a table in the hall and wrote:
"DEAR MR. CARRUTHERS,--
"I am sorry I was out," then I bit the end of my pen. "Don't come and seeme this evening. I will tell you why in a day or two.
"Yours sincerely,
"EVANGELINE TRAVERS.
"Will that do?" I said, and I handed it to Robert, while I addressed theenvelope.
"Yes," he said, and waited while I sealed it up and gave it to the porter.Then, with a surreptitious squeeze of the hand, he left me to go to LadyMerrenden.
I have come up to my little sitting-room a changed being. The whole worldrevolves for me upon another axis, and all within the space of three shorthours.
