Everyone chatted easily, and it felt good to be in the company of friends. Yet even with as much fun as I was having, I was still worried about what the future held.
Were Dash and I cut from the same cloth? Did we have enough in common to make a relationship work? Or would we crash and burn like we did before?
Every so often Dash would look over at me and smile, but that wasn’t helping my cause. He was giving me butterflies. So much so, I’d begun picking at the rest of my food, feeling too fluttery to eat.
After the meal, Dash took Spencer to the barn to meet Valentine, and Alice helped me clean up, carrying the half-eaten salads, sides and trifle inside.
“What’s going on?” she asked. “I can tell that something is up with you.”
Of course, she could. She knew me better than anyone. “I’m a bit of a mess, actually. I’m still in love with Dash. In fact, I’ve been resorting to my old ways and hoping that he’s going to fall in love with me, too.”
She furrowed her brow in obvious concern. “Do you think he’s changed, though? Does he seem different to you?”
“He wasn’t famous before, so that’s changed him. But as far as the rest of it goes, I can’t really tell. Sometimes he seems moodier than he used to be. But he’s also been really attentive.”
“That sounds confusing.”
“I know. And if it doesn’t progress the way I want it to, I can’t let it wreck me like it did last time.” I had to be a newer, stronger woman. Or so I kept telling myself.
I removed plastic containers from the cabinet and began scooping leftovers into them. Alice followed my lead and began transferring the potato salad from its bowl to the Tupperware. “You’ll be all right. I know you will.”
“I’m glad Dash suggested this barbecue. I even hoped that you and Spencer would be a good influence on him.”
“Oh, wow. Now I’m feeling the pressure.” She bumped my shoulder with hers. “But I’m flattered, too.”
I wanted what she had. The love. The happiness. But for now, all I could do was enjoy the rest of the day and quit panicking about things I couldn’t control.
After the men returned from the barn, we changed into our swimsuits for our kayaking adventure.
We used tandem kayaks and safety gear that Dash provided from his boathouse. He had everything we needed.
Spencer and Alice climbed into their kayak, Spencer in the rear and Alice up front, and launched off the dock. Both of them were experienced kayakers, so they managed it with ease.
Dash and I followed them into the lake. We had the same seating arrangement, with Dash behind me. Only in our case, our skills weren’t equal. Dash was an expert, and I was a novice.
As we paddled through the water, I prayed that I wouldn’t lose my stride and rock the boat. But I didn’t need to fret. We glided along in perfect harmony, working as a team. Stable as could be, I thought. As if we belonged together for real.
* * *
Later that night, Dash and I went to his room to get ready for bed. He’d already stripped down to his underwear, but I hadn’t gotten undressed yet.
“I need to talk to you,” he said.
“What is it?” He seemed anxious, and I hoped that our relaxed mood from earlier in the day wasn’t about to blow up in my face.
He sat on the edge of the bed and dragged a hand through his hair. “Now don’t freak out, but I think that we should get engaged again.”
I nearly pitched forward. Had I heard him correctly? Had he just proposed? Yes, by God, he had. Yet from the almost distant way he’d said it, I knew immediately that it had nothing to do with love.
I fought the air that had suddenly gotten trapped in my lungs and asked, “Why do you think we should get engaged?”
“Because I enjoy being with you, and I could see us having a good life together.”
Desperate to squeeze in the L-word, I quickly said, “Most people think that marriage is supposed to be about love.”
“Yeah, but it’s different for us. We can still have a close relationship without the whole love thing. I mean, isn’t that what we’ve been doing already? You can’t deny that we’ve become friends again or that the time we spend together isn’t fulfilling.”
I wanted to cry, but I tempered the urge, forcing my tears back. I’d led him to believe that I didn’t love him anymore, and now I was paying the ultimate price.
He proceeded with, “I’m lonely when I’m not with you.”
He sounded more emotional now, more romantic, but loneliness wasn’t love. Nor was it the bond I was looking for. My heart hurt from what he wasn’t saying. The one thing I needed to hear.
He continued to express himself. “Marrying you has been in the back of my mind since we started the affair. But I kept thinking I was crazy for having those thoughts. Then after being around Alice and Spencer today, I realized that it wasn’t so crazy at all. That we could be as content as they are.”
Apparently, they had influenced him, just not in the way I’d hoped. He’d completely overlooked how in love they were.
“I know our engagement faltered last time,” he said. “But that’s because I was scared that I didn’t have the means to make things work. But I can give you a luxurious life now. You can sell your house and move in with me. I can buy your dad a bigger farm in this area or he can live at Pine Tower, too, depending on what he prefers.” He made a grand gesture. “Just think of what an incredible wedding we’ll have. I’ll get you the dress and diamond of your dreams, and once we’re married, you can spend as much time on your career as you want without having to work other jobs. Then, when you’re ready, we can record together.”
I shook my head. He had it all figured out. Every little detail of how he was going to manipulate my life. “Are you even listening to yourself, Dash? You’re making this all about your success, and how grateful I’m supposed to be for it.”
“Oh yeah?” he shot back. “Well, some support from you would be nice, some pride in how far I’m come. You know damn well that I grew up with nothing, and it made me feel like nothing.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t give you the right to try to buy me off now.”
A muscle pulsed at his neck. “There’s nothing wrong with a man wanting to take care of his wife.”
I defended my position. “And there’s nothing wrong with a woman who prefers to take care of herself.”
He stood and came over to me. “Can’t you at least consider marrying me?”
“Not like this.” I couldn’t tell him the real reason I was turning him down. Or how painful it was to be this close to him, longing for more.
“Are you going to stop seeing me?” he asked. “Is this the end of our affair?”
I hesitated to answer, not knowing what to do.
“Tracy?” he persisted.
I wasn’t ready to let him go. I should be, but I couldn’t seem to walk away. People in love acted foolishly, and I was no exception. “We can keep it going for a while. Unless you want to end it.”
“I’m not going to be the one to call it quits. Not after I just offered to share my damned life with you.”
Okay, then. We were staying together for now, as awkward as you please, emotions still raw between us.
He went over to the bed and turned down the sheet. “It’s getting late. We should get some sleep.”
I began removing my clothes, but not all of them. Since he was in his boxers, I left my underwear on, too: a tan bra and low-rise panties. We climbed under the covers, but we didn’t touch.
He turned off the light, and I closed my eyes, lying fitfully next to him, tangled up in an affair that had gone horribly awry.
Ten
Dash
I spent the week after Tracy turned down my proposal shopping online, stewing in my own frustration and buying gifts for my mom.
At first, I didn�
�t know if I was willing to see her again, and now I was making outrageous purchases. But at least Mom would appreciate whatever I gave her. I was only doing this to combat Tracy’s rejection, but I needed to feel useful.
I was hurt and angry at the way Tracy had reacted to my proposal. Granted, I’d just sort of thrown it out there, but I was trying to share my home with her, to make music together, to be lifelong partners.
I’d assumed that comparing us to Alice and Spencer would’ve worked in my favor. But clearly, it hadn’t.
Why did Tracy have to be so stubborn? Why couldn’t she rejoice in my success and give me the satisfaction of showering her with the riches I’d worked so hard to attain? She knew how painful my childhood was and how being poor had destroyed my self-worth. But it wasn’t just about me. I’d always longed to share whatever I acquired with Tracy, giving her the things neither of us had when we were growing up. I’d panicked when she’d gotten pregnant because I was afraid of how I was going to give our child the life it deserved. My insecurities had gotten the best of me, damaging my relationship with Tracy, too.
And now...it was a mess all over again.
I glanced over at Zeke. He was helping me load the SUV with the stuff I’d bought for Mom. I hadn’t told him that I’d asked Tracy to marry me or that she’d turned me down. I didn’t have to explain myself to him. His job was to protect me, not discuss how fractured I was. Every time I thought about Tracy’s rejection, I felt broken inside, as if someone had taken me apart and put me back together wrong.
“Is that all of it?” Zeke asked.
I nodded, and he closed the hatch.
Mom was expecting me, but she didn’t know that I would be bearing gifts. I wanted to surprise her. In some ways what I was doing seemed twisted and sick. In other ways, it pacified me, especially since I was still hurting over Tracy.
After Zeke and I arrived at Mom’s new place, I stayed in the back seat for a minute, gazing out at the night and wondering what my dad would think if he knew that I’d renewed my relationship with Mom. He’d loved her right up to his dying day. But he’d hated her for what she’d done to us, too. She’d had a toxic effect on him. On me, too, but here I was, feeding the fire. Of course there was a lonely part of me that needed my mother, regardless of how twisted it seemed.
I got out of the car, gathered some of the packages and walked to the door. I shuffled the items in my hands and rang the bell. Mom answered it, her eyes going wide.
“What’s all this?” she asked, as Zeke approached us, with his arms full, too.
“Just some things I wanted you to have,” I said.
“Oh, my.” She looked like a cat on Christmas Eve, eager to play with the ornaments on the tree.
We entered the house, and she practically danced around the living room. We piled the first batch on the dining room table and went back for more. Once we brought the rest of it in, bags and boxes overflowed onto the floor. The table wasn’t big enough to hold everything.
Zeke backed away, letting me know he would be waiting in the car. As soon as he left, Mom dived right in.
I sat on the sofa and watched her. The first thing she opened was a large black Chanel handbag. She gasped in sheer delight. I’d gotten her the most expensive one in their current collection. She went on to the next gifts, which were two pairs of shoes: Christian Louboutin slides and Manolo Blahnik pumps. She squealed and clapped.
I said, “You can exchange anything you don’t want. Or if things don’t fit or whatever. I gauged the size based on what you used to wear.” Those old thrift store fashions she used to whine about.
She wasn’t complaining now.
“This is so amazing.” She had tissue paper flying out of her hands. “Oh, look at this.” She removed a gold Givenchy gown from its box. She held the garment lovingly against her, twirling, making the fabric spin.
I was rewarding her for hurting me, for tearing me apart when I was kid. Yet her excitement made me feel needed. Why couldn’t Tracy need me in this way? The only valuable thing I’d given her was a birthstone body chain that she’d left at my house.
After Mom opened each and every gift, she ran over to me. I stood, and she hugged me. I returned her affection, allowing myself to embrace her, and she cried on my shoulder.
Tears of spoiled joy.
We separated, and she said, “No one has ever given me so many extraordinary things.”
I gazed into her makeup-smudged eyes. “Not even any of your old boyfriends?”
“No, not even them. But now I have you, and you matter more than any of them ever could.”
Rather than dispute her claim, I grabbed a silk blouse from the pile of new clothes and dried her tears with it.
“Dash!” She scolded me for soiling it. “That’s a Versace!”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll buy you another one.” I didn’t care if she blew her nose on it. There were more where that came from. I was only doing this to ease my pain over the woman who refused to marry me.
* * *
Tracy visited me the following day. I asked her to come over and hang out, sending Zeke to her house to get her, as we’d been doing all along. But now that she was here with me, we barely seemed like friends—let alone lovers who were supposed to be continuing their affair.
We took a walk in the woods. On this hot and glaring afternoon, the towering pine trees provided some much-needed shade. We could’ve cooled off inside, but I didn’t want to be cooped up right now, not even in a sprawling mansion.
“How have you been?” I asked, trying to break the ice. I hadn’t seen her since the weekend she’d rejected my proposal.
“Fine. Just busy with work.” She looked wholesome this afternoon, maybe even a bit messy. She had a loose hairdo that was half up and half down, a twisty bun of sorts, with long strands falling around it. Her clothes were simple: a plain beige T-shirt and skinny jeans tucked into natural brown boots. It was the same pair she’d worn with the Daisy Dukes when we’d messed around in the barn. I wished that she was in that kind of mood today. I would let her ravish me in a Tennessee minute, if she was so inclined.
“What have you been doing?” she asked.
“Nothing much.” Just buying my mom a bunch of crap, I thought, and trying to survive the ache of Tracy not wanting to be my wife. After we walked a while longer, deeper into the woods, I asked, “Do you want to sit a spell?”
“Okay.” She chose a tree and plopped down next to it.
As I joined her in the dirt, I heard a scratching sound. I looked up and caught sight of a squirrel racing up the trunk and heading for the branches. On closer inspection, I realized it was a mama squirrel scurrying around with her young. I tried to count how many there were. Five. Six. I couldn’t be sure.
Tracy glanced up and saw them, too. “Oh, how cute. The one on the lower branch is watching us.”
I smiled. “It’s probably thinking about hiding some seeds in that sexy hair of yours.”
She met my gaze. “You think it’s sexy like this?”
“Yeah, I do.” I thought everything about her was enticing. The thickness of her hair. The blueness of her eyes.
We stared at each other, and I considered kissing her. But somehow, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wanted her to initiate the first touch. But she only drew her knees up to her chest, as if she was protecting herself from me.
A moment later, she asked, “Are you going to propose to me again? Is that why we’re out here?”
“What? No.” Even with as badly as I wanted to marry her, I wasn’t going to subject myself to another rejection.
“You don’t have a fancy ring in your pocket?”
I shook my head. I even turned my jeans’ pockets inside out to show her they were empty.
“I just thought maybe...”
I leaned forward with an inkling of hope. “W
ould that have worked? Would you have accepted?”
Her breath hitched. “I’m sorry, no. You buying me a ring is the last thing I need.”
I shrugged, refusing to let her see how flustered I was. Flustered, annoyed, hurt, offended. If I could get away with it, I would shove the biggest diamond in the world on her finger and make her wear it.
“Do you want to go inside for lunch?” I asked, feigning normalcy. I came to my feet. “We can make sandwiches or something.”
She stood and dusted herself off. Was she trying to act casual now, too? “I am getting a little hungry.”
Falling into step together, we trekked to the house, the sun beating down on us, making a trail of sweat creep down the back of my shirt.
We entered the kitchen through a sliding glass door, drank some water and rummaged through the fridge. After a quick debate, we decided on roast beef sandwiches on sourdough rolls with white American cheese. She put pickles and pretzels on our plates, and we entered the dining room.
Before we sat down to eat, I spotted something on the floor, in the corner, next to the weathered-wood buffet. A small jewelry-size box with a glittery bow. One of the gifts I’d gotten for my mom. Except that it must’ve fallen off the buffet when I’d piled all of the boxes and bags there last night, before Zeke and I had taken them out to the car.
Tracy turned and saw it, too, and my heart nearly stopped.
I went over to where it was and picked it up. I couldn’t pretend that she hadn’t noticed it.
“What is that?” she asked.
I couldn’t think fast enough, so I stalled, panicking about what to say. Did she think it was a ring?
She moved in my direction, closing in on me.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I said.
She gazed suspiciously at me. “Are you sure?”
“Of course, I am.” I couldn’t remember what was in that particular box, but I knew it wasn’t a ring. I hadn’t bought Mom any rings.
“Then what is it?” she asked again.
There was no way I was going to tell her that it was for my mom. After what my mother had done to me, I didn’t think Tracy would understand why I’d let her back into my life or why I was buying her expensive clothes and jewelry. My feelings about my mom were complicated. But they always had been, even when I was a kid. And now that I was an adult, I needed to deal with it on my own. Pulling Tracy into it would only make it harder.
Wild Nashville Ways Page 11
