My feet began to feel heavy, and pain shot through my body as I walked back towards the tribe and home. My head downcast, my mind racing through all the different scenarios that might take place once Ulgog confronted me again. My mind immediately began to formulate a plan on how to survive, when I realized even with all my unnatural abilities, I was still only ten. There would be no surviving on my own, and I resolved to myself that it may finally be the time in which death would come for me.
It hurt when I realized that by telling Ulgog the truth, I had now lost my ally and my only friend. I wondered if possibly mother and I would be allowed to return to the hut we had just vacated or if they might be willing to let just me return there. I had to remind myself that this was merely wishful thinking, and the tribe would never dare to be so kind.
As I entered, the east side of camp, I came upon the group of horses grazing near camp, a few oxen mixed amongst them. They cleared the way as I walked through them, and I thought how wonderful it would to just jump on one of the horses’ backs, and ride away. I already been gone for a long time, and I doubted anyone had bothered to look for me.
One horse turned to look at me as I walked by, and I reached out my hand to pet her, but she began to back up slowly. Disappointed, I stood still and merely watched her. I recognized her as the lead mare in the herd.
Ulgog had helped a man whose wife had become ill recently and had been on the brink of death. Ulgog had spent many hours tending to the woman, so in return the husband had given this horse to Ulgog as a sign of gratitude.
I was about to turn away, when I decided to gently prod her mind with my own, willing her to come closer so that I might pat her. Hesitantly, she took a step forward, and then drew up next to me.
Reaching out once more, I let her sniff my hand, her warm breath tickling my palm. She seemed to understand I meant her no harm. She threw her head back and nickered then began to nibble on my fingertips with her lips. Patting her neck, I began to stroke her ebony coat that glistened in the moonlight. Scratching her on her cheek, she leaned her face against my chest, nuzzling me, while prancing on her back legs. I laughed again and kissed her on her nose.
“She likes you.”
Started I jumped and turned around. I hadn’t notice Ulgog had come up beside me. The mare stood still as he scratched her shoulder.
“I’ve been looking for you.”
I didn’t respond and stood still as I looked away from him and stared into the distance, trying desperately not to cry.
“I spent all evening thinking over your new skill, and I sat there trying to understand it, I realized this is not the first time you have done that. I have felt your presence within me since the day you were born.”
“I remember that. It was so long ago, but I remember you and Molog fighting, then you are telling me about Ada-pa and the Winged Ones.” I said finally looking at him.
Ulgog stared at me open mouth then swallowed. When I turned away, he seemed to collect himself. “You remember that?” He whispered.
“I remember everything, I always have.”
“I always knew you had an excellent memory, but I didn’t realize....” he trailed off as he muttered to himself, but then he waved his hands. “That doesn’t matter. What I want to tell you is this gift, this ability is something I think you’ve always done, most likely without really knowing or understanding. Now that you’ve become aware of it, you must learn to control it.”
Ulgog was right, of course. I had never realized it before, but looking back, I had been using my powers for quite some time without thinking. Even when I was a young child, I had understood beyond my years, tapping into other people’s minds to learn the meanings of different words. “That memory you saw,” he said painfully, his eyes closed, “I had forgotten all about it until that moment. It was so long ago,” he said wearily, “Cjiena, I was very much in love with your grandmother, and she with me, or at least so I thought. I wish it had been me who was your grandfather, but I do not think what has come to pass would have happened. Sometimes, sometimes I do miss your grandmother terribly,” he paused for moment before continuing, “I ask from now on you try to use your better judgment when you use this special ability. What I mean is that a man’s mind is his sanctuary, so please respect that.”
I nodded once and continued to stare off. I wasn’t sure what to say or how to respond.
Ulgog was quiet for a moment, continuing to scratch the mare’s shoulder. Content, she leaned her body against his hand, enjoying every moment of it. Laughing, Ulgog stepped back and patted the mare on her back. “She’s yours.” he said, “I think she will be good for you. Just remember to give her a name.”
Wide eyes, I stammered a thank you. He merely smiled at me and turned to walk off towards our hut. As I watched him walk away, the mare once again nuzzled my elbow. Turning to her, I smiled and wrapped my arm around her neck, my cheek pressed up against hers, while petting her nose. I puckered my lips and put my face against hers and breathed against her nostrils. When she returned to gesture, I knew she had accepted me, as I had her.
Filled with joy, I kissed the mare once more, and ran home to tell mother.
GIFT OF FREEDOM
The mare Ulgog had given me became one of my most precious possessions, and eventually become one of my closest friends. It took me a few days, but I finally decided on the name “Quilari”. I rode her every chance that I could, and sometimes she and I would wander through the forest mountains side by side. We would lean close together and I would tell her everything I held in my heart. I would use a bundle of dried brush to untangle her beautiful mane, and also on her coat. Many times, after I would be done, she would roll herself in the dirt. I think she did this purposefully so I might brush her more.
Ulgog’s gift did not go unnoticed. Even when I tried to ignore everyone’s murmuring, people still sought to make waves. One day Quilari and I returned from taking a walk near the stream that I heard angry shouts coming from the direction of my home.
Ducking between huts, I snuck my way back home, hoping that the argument had nothing to do with me. Dread filled the pit of my stomach as I peeked around the corner. The man who had given Quilari to Ulgog stood before him, shouting at him angrily. My Uncle Molog stood beside the man with his arms crossed with a malicious smirk on his face that took away any proof he had ever been handsome.
“I did not give you my best horse so you could give it to that creature!” the man exclaimed.
“But you do admit you gave the mare to me, do you not?” asked Ulgog calmly.
“Yes, but that’s not the point”
“That is precisely the point,” Ulgog replied as he began to become agitated, “As Ulgog, I have the right and the power to distribute gifts given to me to the people who have need of them. Cjiena and her mother are in need of a horse. They have always carried their belongings when we move camp, without complaint I might add. Do you deny them this right?”
“YES!!” The man shouted as he became more hostile, clenching his fists in his hands, taking a step towards Ulgog. The vein in his temple was starting to bulge. Molog leaned over and whispered something in the man’s ear, and he was at the point of becoming bear sick. A crowd had formed, and the chief ran towards the argument.
I reached out slowly with my mind, focusing in on my uncle, but had to withdraw almost immediately. He was consumed with an uncontrollable rage towards my mother and myself, and his whole goal was to do whatever it took to be rid of us. Shivering, I once more was brought back to the argument, and a scuffle ensued. The chief and other men were having to hold the man back from attacking Ulgog, but Ulgog simply stared at him unflinchingly, his eyes ablaze with anger.
“Enough!” the chief yelled at his warrior, “If you cannot accept your gifts being shared to other members of the tribe, do not give them, but do not expect any favors in return.” Getting up in the man’s face, the chief yelled even louder, his voice booming around so that everyone could hear, “and if I
EVER see you attempt to go after Ulgog, you will be performing woman’s duties from there on out. I will not accept a warrior amongst us who is willing to attack our holy connection to the Sacred Ones.”
The man was fuming, tearing himself away from the other warriors. He stared venomously between the chief and Ulgog before storming off. Molog wicked smile was replaced with a frown, as he clenched his teeth, but eventually he too turned away.
The chief turned to Ulgog and shook his head, “We are getting too old for this.” Turning around, he walked away as the crowd dispersed.
Death's Embrace
CLOAK OF DEATH
A few years had passed as I secluded myself more and more from the tribe. I would always leave before anyone was awake and come home well after dark. I had learned to avoid the warriors who were ordered guard duty at the cave’s entrance. On the few occasions I had been caught, I usually would find some excuse to explain my absence.
Many times, when the snow became too deep, I was forced to stay in the cave. In the corner that had been designated for Ulgog, my mother would hang up makeshift walls of hide. This offered me at least some peace from the boiling hatred that was continuously growing worse as the days passed.
Finally, spring arrived and the much welcome freedom that came with it for me. Quilari and I would travel far behind the others, taking our time to avoid the constant hatred directed at me. She seemed content with this, as my hand never left her neck, but besides her, I was mostly alone. My mother, now being the wife of an Ulgog, was expected to travel with him and his possessions at the front of the line. Most of the time, I would lead Quilari. When we did settle, we spent most of our time in the woods gathering herbs for Ulgog, and out of sheer boredom and loneliness, I taught myself to hunt. There was nothing which I could not track, or any plant which name I did not know.
Many a time I would bring home some sort of beast for my small family. What we could not use Ulgog would serve to the old and feeble whom could no longer care for themselves. The hides my mother would tan and cure and add that to what was given to those in need. Although I’m sure the tribe tried to convince themselves that these blessings were given to the Ulgog by some unknown hand, I think deep down they knew it was from my own skills. Secretly I hoped that they would recognize me as a valuable member of the tribe, and I would often daydream as I walked through the forest that one day, they would welcome me with open arms.
The Coming of Age Ceremony was a feast where all the children who had finally reached puberty were given a glorious cloak made from the hands of their mothers. This cloak was different from a normal one. It was one of status, reflecting the accomplishments and skills already mastered when the rite of passage came. It was a symbol for boys as a right to attend counsel, and for women as the right to start a family and bear children. With these cloaks, the prospect of marriage would come, as families tried to unify themselves through the families of another child deemed the most accomplished.
My mother had begun the care and preparation of the hide for my cloak many years ago. She never knew when my kind would reach puberty, and so she set out making it just in case. When my uncle learned of her deeds, he had shredded her work and thrown it into the fire. I had sat in shame watching him belittle my mother and strike her. It had taken all of Ulgog’s influence to make my uncle leave, but it was at that moment in time when I knew and understood his hatred. Even with Ulgog’s position, I was not considered a member of the tribe, and therefore would not be allowed to begin a family.
At 15, I had long since earned the right to be named a woman in the ceremony. Still however, Molog had convinced the people to not allow me to join. And so, once more, as the feast had begun, I slipped off into the woods going as far as I could so that the drums no longer pierced through the night, and I wouldn’t need to be reminded of my shame. Carrying my spear, I let my feet take me along a game trail where I normally hunted, the moon lighting my way. I made no sound as I moved through the brush, a habit that hunting taught me.
Entering a clearing, I stopped suddenly. Before me was a lone wolf feeding on the carcass of a fallen doe. His silver hair reflected in the moonlight as he gnawed on the deer’s haunch. I realized I must have been standing downwind, as he was yet to notice me, but that changed when I tried to step backwards. As I stepped on a small twig, the wolf snapped his head around, his hair beginning to bristle as he slowly lifted himself from the ground. Lowering his head, he issued a low growl, baring his teeth. I grasped my spear tighter, which seemed to only intensify the wolf’s agitation. Lowering himself for a moment, I thought he might back down, but he instead leapt at me, snapping at my face and neck as he raised his paws to my shoulders.
I kneed the wild beast as hard as I could in the stomach. The wolf yelped and fell back. Staring at me, he began pacing back and forth, looking for an entrance to make an attack once more. I used my foot to wedge my spear at an angle, and when the mighty beast leapt again, he fell against the head of my spear, piercing him through the chest, but not before he bit me on the shoulder, his massive jaws clamping down and tearing at my flesh, as his claws scraped along my shoulder. He howled in pain, but his cries soon faded as the last of his breath left his lungs.
With all my strength, I threw the wolf from me. Standing over his body, his tongue rolled out the side of his mouth, as his eyes stared into nothing, while his blood pooled at my feet. Looking closer, I realized that this had been an older wolf. His ribs stuck out, proof he was malnourished. Although his coat showed it was in recent good condition, I could only guess he had been recently run from his own pack by a younger more dominant male. He had been chased away from his pack as surely as I had been.
It saddened me to think that I had taken the life from him. Reluctantly, I lifted the animal’s carcass to my shoulders. For a moment, I stumbled under his weight, and every few steps, I had to readjust his body upon my shoulders. As I drew closer to camp, the tribe’s drums once more permeated through the night. During my frightful attack, I had forgotten about the Coming of Age Ceremony. My heart reverberated from the beating of the drum, but it filled me with strength, courage flowing through my veins. Wolves were hard to hunt, especially by yourself, and so I was very proud of my accomplishment, and planned to show it to the tribe. Surely, they would accept me now!
Stepping out from the trees, I slowly made my way to the front of the chief’s hut, as men and woman made way for me. I stood there until rapt silence overtook the whole crowd. Dropping the wolf behind me, I stared straight at the tribe’s council. “This is my value, my kill. I have done what few warriors have done. Recognize me as one of your own.”
I heard the crowd begin to murmur, but I continued to stare at the group of elders who sat before me. A few leaned towards those sitting beside them, angrily whispering in each other’s ears. Ulgog looked thunderstruck and it wasn’t until another elder leaned toward him that he seemed to come to. He waved his hand and nodded. His face furrowed into a frown.
Molog, whose place of honor was beside the chief and his many warriors, jumped to his feet. “How dare you come here! You have no right! You are not part of the tribe and you never will be!” As if in a trace, I stared at his face, as more and more people stood beside him and began to shout at me.
Looking at Ulgog, the frown on his face only deepened, but he remained silent. For a moment I felt unsure and turned to look for my mother. Surely, she would stand with me. When I finally saw her, her head was bowed, remaining quiet and unmoving as the crowd continued to berate me.
My heart was violently overcome with a sense of abandonment. The only two people who I cared about, the only two people who claimed to love me, sat silently as I was ridiculed.
I felt my face begin to burn, an immense amount of shame coursing through me. At that moment, I realized that I never could, nor would belong to these people. I would never be one of them.
A sob filled my throat as tears threatened to overflow. Rather than let my misery show, I ran back t
owards the forest, back to the seclusion that allowed me to be myself. Their laughter followed me until I was too far away to hear them. Moments later, the drums once more pounded into the night, but faded as I fled deeper and deeper.
I ran and ran until I no longer could, and then I collapsed into a heap on the forest floor, where finally I let the tears run free. An ache rose in my throat as the tears trickled down my cheeks.
I reached back and grabbed a handful of my feathers and began tearing them out in anger, pain coursing through me each time I did. When the pain wasn’t enough to cover up the pain in my heart, I took my tanning knife and tried to saw off what I could reach of my wings. The pain was excruciating, but finally became too much even for me, and I passed out for a few moments.
When I opened my eyes, I could smell the metallic scent of blood as it oozed from my wounds, and all I could do was cry even harder. I wanted more than anything to die, and in that moment, I wanted to try. It was then that I noticed an herb that Ulgog sometimes used to induce sleep with the right dosage, but I knew in large quantities, it would also induce a coma before finally allowing someone to enter death painlessly. There would be no one looking for me, so what would my death matter now?
I gathered handfuls and began eating as much as I could, the leaves tasted disgusting and I tried so hard not to vomit them up. When I could eat no longer, I turned to lay on my back in the thicket, looking up at the sky and staring up at the stars. I wondered who would find me, if I was even found, or what animals might come upon me, and feed on my flesh. I knew my body would never be returned to the womb of the Mother; I wouldn’t be granted the burying rights of our people. I hoped that somehow, She would grant me a pardon, and allow me to rest in Her arms eternally.
Cjiena: Beginnings Page 4
