My eyes narrowed, and it took all I had to not lash out and strike him. He seemed to understand my anger and backed away. He offered only a slight nod to those around him, and each stepped forward to lay a package at my feet. “Offerings,” the first woman murmured,” for our holiest of Ulgog, and his wife. May the Mother’s face shine brightly upon them.”
Stepping away another took her place, and then another, until a large pile stood before me full of gifts one might need in the afterlife.
The little girl was frowning when she stepped forward to offer her gift. It was a pouch full of ochre, a mineral prized in all our sacred ceremonies, and a vital element in which to honor our dead.
Despite all the anger, a part of me felt humbled that they had given me so much. Maybe perhaps to the more modern of minds, it would not be understood, but in that moment, these people were trying to compensate for what they had done wrong, if not for me, than at least for Ulgog and my mother.
As they all turned to walk away, I called out “You can take your men and bury them.”
Startled, they all turned back to me, one woman who looked at me rather anxiously. It took me a moment, until I realized this was Khata’s mother-in-law. I needn’t read her mind, for she wore her heart on her shoulder. “....and my cousin, and, and your grandchild.” I said to her directly.
Sighing with relief she was about to walk away. “You are not to bury Molog” I said bitterly “He is to be left to the dogs, just as the Great Mother ordered. Take him away into the tree line if you must, but he must never allowed to enter her womb, nor her realm of the Undying Lands.”
A few shuddered at my declaration, but most nodded in agreement before leaving me in peace. As they walked away, I arranged the packs that had been given to me, before moving away from mother and Ulgog. I couldn’t handle the smell which death had brought them, nor did I want to set up a fire where they had already been burned.
I watched in silence as the few remaining men helped the wives and family gather their dead. I shivered when the mother of the young boy threw herself upon his body and began to weep loudly. It took a few others to pull her off to allow the men to carry him to their hut. The woman who had pulled her away, now supported her as she followed her son, still sobbing.
I felt even more guilt when Khata’s mother-in-law gently lifted her grandchild while wrapping it in a blanket. She had no expression, as numbness had set in.
COMFORT
“Are you alright? I thought I heard someone crying” a soft voice called from the hallway.
I was brought back from the ghosts of my past; tears I had not known were there trickled down my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away, and turned to look, Zachariah stood in the doorway and frowned as he saw the evidence of puffy read eyes.
He crossed the room quickly and knelt before me, a few wisps of his long golden hair fell upon his face. As it caught the dim lighting, I was reminded of a lion’s mane and reached out to gently tuck them back from behind his ears. He grasped my fingers in his own and folded his hands around mine.
“Cjiena, what’s wrong?” He murmured.
I pulled my hand from his and waved it at the computer and tried to laugh while miserably crying. He turned to look at the computer screen. “May I?”
I nodded and pushed myself back and got up at the same time as he. He took my arm and helped steadied me, and then I walked towards the door. I didn’t want to see his reaction to my words. I wasn’t sure if he would be heart broken, or think I was a monster. I headed towards the windows in the living, the ones that overlooked the city. There was some comfort staring into the distance of the city below. I needed a focus, and I wasn’t sure where I should look. Waves of emotion still poured over me.
I had suffered loss hundreds of times over, and even loss was like a beacon of light that had been quenched. But the death of my mother and Ulgog where losses that could never be replaced, no matter how hard I might have tried, and the manner in which they died was unspeakable. Even now, I could still smell their flesh as the flames burned them beyond recognition. Had I not been there, I would have never been able to identify them.
The way that the Great Mother had used me, my body becoming a simple tool for her revenge for her disciple. Although it never happened again in my lifetime, it was still unsettling to think of the possibility that her spirit could once again take over. I was strong, stronger than humans, but it was a reminder that something out there was stronger than me. That maybe once again, I could lose control and only be able to watch as she, or another of her kind could overtake me.
I could feel my mind beginning to go around and round in a circle, when I heard a foot fall in the hallway, and Zachariah entered the room. I couldn’t look up at him, but I caught him from the corner of my eye. He looked a little disheveled and his face was pale.
He closed the distance between us and wrapped his arms around me. I don’t know why in that moment I needed his comfort, but all I could do was burst into tears and let the pain run through me. I thought after all these years, I had grieved for them, for that life that I once had, but I realize now it was still an open raw wound that would never really heal. I had simply just learned to live life without them, but I realized in that moment how much I missed them every day.
He murmured softly and stroked my hair. When he pulled me closer, his fingertips gently caressed the feathers I had tried to remove some many years ago. Tickled by his touch, I giggled involuntary, and pulled away, smiling through my tears.
I smoothed my hair and wiped away the tears. The moment had passed, and I once again suppressed the urge to cry.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked
I nodded my head. Zachariah held out his hand, which I grasped lightly, and he led me to the couch. Couches and chairs have always been the bane of my assistance as my wings seemed to always have been in the way. There was usually never a correct way to sit in them, and many times, I had to lift my wings over a couches arm or a seat backing to be able to sit comfortably. I did this now and tucked my feet beneath me as Zachariah sat across me from the other arm.
For a moment I let myself relax in its comfort, not knowing what to say. He hadn’t been at the computer long, so I could only guess which part of the story he had managed to read. As if to confirm this, he spoke. “I was only able to read the last chapter…. the one about your mother, and Ulgog?”
I nodded, still unable to speak. “I’m sorry,” he continued, “their deaths must have been hard on you.”
I nodded, my stomach began to tie itself in knots and I could feel my face become twisted as more sadness washed over me. “Will you tell me about them?”
Taking a deep breath, I told him of mother and Ulgog as best I could. Memories of my family and I looking up at the stars as Ulgog explained their meaning in the heavens. The food that my mother so delicately cooked and her skill in bead work and tanning. I told him how Ulgog would take me into the woods and teach me about all the herbs and vegetation that grew there and their uses. The ones that we painstakingly cut and dried for whatever concoction Ulgog need them for to heal. We laughed when I told him the first time, I attempted to make a them a meal and it had burned, filling our hut with smoke, and how Ulgog ate it anyways, pretending to feign his enjoyment.
“You loved them very much, didn’t you?“I did,” I responded, “they were my whole world along with Quilari - my horse.”
“You had a horse?”
I laughed, “Yes, she was my best friend. Riding her, I felt like I could fly. I remember when we would come to an open area that I would spread my wings to feel the wind in my feathers.”
“But you can fly, can’t you?”
I pursed my lips together. “I can, but there was no one around to teach me how to back then. I didn’t learn to do so until much later…. from another of my kind….” I trailed off and my eyes glazed over as I was thinking back, lost again in my memories.
“So, this Ulgog, he was a medicine man?” Za
chariah quickly asked. I shook my head and smiled at him, silently thanking him for bringing me back to the present.
“He was that and more,” I explained, “He was the one who was able to speak to the Great Mother. He knew how to speak and write their language, and was considered the Great Ulgog, as he held the memories the Ulgogs who came before.”
“Hold the memories?”
“Yes. I am not sure I really can explain it in modern terms. Think of memories as what your generation calls the collective unconsciousness. He had the ability to tap into those memories, and not even just the memories, but more. He could speak to them and they could converse in return.”
“That seems…. incredible! Who is this Great Mother that you keep mentioning?”
I smiled at his enthusiasm. “She is the first. The mother of us all and who has many faces. Her name has been changed over the years. Tiamat, Isis, Ōmeteōtl, Nügua, Nammu, Gaia. Different names all for the same being. She created the earth as you know it and all its creatures. Many cultures have separated her further into multiple deities, unable to comprehend her immense power.”
“So how did she take over your body?”
I faltered and was silent for a moment. “I don’t really know. Her power was it was intense. It electrified every part of my being. I felt intoxicated in some ways. It was a power that far outstripped my own or any other being I have encounter. When she faded away, it was like an emptiness I can’t describe. And the aftermath…. that was both horrifying and exhilarating. It was the only time I was ever able to stand up and really fight back those who tormented me for so long. But even in their deaths, they still tormented me for many years….”
Once again, I stared off into the distance when Zachariah interrupted my thoughts. “What happened to the memories when he passed on? Ulgog I mean. Where they lost?”
My smile turned into a grimace. “That is a little more complicated,” I responded. They were passed on after his death, but it is….” I searched for the right word.
“Complicated?”
I cocked my head and nodded again
“I think you should write more now.”
I agreed with him. There was so much more that needed to be said. I let out a loud sigh and got to my feet. It took a moment, I had to finish this. Six seconds of courage, right? I made my way back into his office area and sat at the computer, ruffling my feathers in annoyance.
“I’ll be back,” Zachariah called out, “just going to get something for dinner”
I ignored him and went back to typing.
Laying Death to Rest
NIGHTMARE OF THE DAMNED
I didn’t allow myself to feel the pain at their deaths. I knew once the pain came, that there would be no stopping the flow of tears. I refused to allow the others to witness my sorrow. I tried to stay awake all night, as I sat beside them quietly, but in the end, I gave into sleep in the hopes it would drown out the thoughts that flooded through my mind.
~Her cold eyes stared at me, the numerous wounds gaping at me as blood continuously flowed from them. In one arm she held a small child whose face was misshapen from where she had been thrown, but it's howls were undeniable from its dead mother’s clutches, I realized then, I never even knew if Khata’s child was a boy or girl.
My cousin raised her dead arm pointing toward me, her voice raspy as she inhaled to scream out her accusations.
“Murderer,” she cried, “Daughter of a whore! Half-breed! Monster!”
With each word she spoke, another one of those who had been slain by the Mother appeared silently one by one, and as she continued to berate me, they chanted her accusations.
When Molog appeared, holding his head and spine in his dead hands, I found myself beginning to gag.
I turned around in circles, looking for a way to escape their cold dead eyes, unable to answer their cries, and with my final turn, I gasped in horror and disbelief.
I was unable to recognize them beyond their eyes, which had begun to be melted away. Their bodies were twisted and blackened, but they still held their hands tight from death’s embrace, and I watched in disgust as their flesh began to fall away.
“You killed us!”, Ulgog wheezed and coughed. “It should have been you who died and not us. We wasted our lives to save you.”
“You should have never been born,” my mother continued, “I wish you had died, and I would be rid of you. You are an abomination!”
The smell of their rotting flesh that had cooked on the fire hung on their breaths as their dead hands reached forward to grab me. It was a signal for the other victims to come forth and reach for me, to drag me into death’s agony. I felt my feathers being wrenched from my wings, as my clothing was torn away. They continued to pull, and my flesh was being pulled with it, until I was nothing more than they were.
“This is how the Mother really wants you.”
ANARI
I woke up with a start, and immediately began throwing up. Only the stars overhead laid witness as I slammed my fists into the ground as dry heaving overtook me, and I sought desperately to gasp for air. I still smelled death gathered all around me and wanted more than anything to rid myself of the stench.
I continued to cough and gasp, until my face became numb, and finally I blacked out from the lack of oxygen. If I had further dreams, I do not remember them, or it might be more correct to say that I refused to remember them. I didn’t awaken until I heard my name being called in the distance. “Mother?” I murmured as I tried to awaken, confusion still clouding my mind.
“Cjiena, it’s me.” The voice of the young girl called to me.
She stood over me, her face bunched up in concern. Her eyes stared deeply into my own and I shivered before the sunlight blinded me and my head pounded in excruciating pain.
She seemed to have noticed, and before I could even ask her anything, she was already sprinting. I could hear her relay some instructions to others that stood nearby, but I was unable to really comprehend their meaning as my migraine blotted out everything around me.
Soon I heard her return, and she gently lifted my head and poured a warm tincture that would ease my pain. As she waited for it to take effect, the girl strokes my hair gently and for a moment, I once more allowed myself to forget the loss of my mother. Soon however, there was no denying my loss, and I forced myself to bury the pain even deeper.
I sat up abruptly, startling and shuffled my wings, but she quickly recovered, and handed me a bowl filled with some gruel and berries.
I devoured the food quickly, and before I could even ask for more, she had already gone to fetch another bowl.
When she returned, I ate this slowly all the while staring at her thoughtfully.
“What is your name?”
“Anari,” she responded somewhat shyly.
“Whose daughter, are you?”
“Mori’s”
I nodded gulping. “So, your brother was married to my cousin?”
Sadly, she nodded. We sat quietly for a few moments before I could respond.
“I’m sorry,” I said,” about your brother, and his child....and” I said hesitantly, “and Khata”
She nodded but didn’t speak, and I began to feel uncomfortable. I rarely had a real conversation outside mother and Ulgog and wasn’t sure of the correct response to awkward silences. I winced when I asked without thought, “What was the baby’s name?”
“Seri”, she murmured, then adding, “She was a little less than a season.”
I closed my eyes and grimaced in pain; tears fell down my cheeks. When I sniffled, I heard a small intake of breath. “You cared?” she asked
I felt like I had been slapped across my face, and before I could respond, she once again offered her apologies. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean... I,”
“Thought I had no feelings for them?” I interjected.
I wiped my tears away as I tried to answer the question, without delving into the pool of pain I felt inside. “I’ve tried so hard no
t to. I tried to hide or push the pain down deep inside. Whenever I have showed fear, or sadness, or even to shed a tear, it always made the teasing worse. No-one liked me, no-one really wanted me here... except Ulgog and my mother.” I choked on the last few words.
“I wanted you here,” she whispered.
Now it was I who was taken aback. “Why?”
“Ulgog always told us stories of the Ancient Ones. How the Great Mother had created the Winged Ones to watch over us. I thought that perhaps, perhaps that was why she sent you here.”
A bitter laugh escaped my lips. “I think it can be said now that that thought is untrue.”
“I think it still is,” she said in earnest. “Except for your cousin and the old chief’s wife, it wasn’t you who killed all those who died. It was the Mother using you. I saw her, I saw her come out of Ulgog in a bright light and then I saw her grow in you.”
My eyes snapped open and I looked at her. “This one has the gift,” I thought, “with some more training she could become the Great Ulgog and healer to the people.”
When it became apparent, I was lost amongst my own thoughts, Anari coughed to gain my attention. “The men and a few women have been waiting patiently to ask you a serious question. I told them to let me give you some time to awaken before they should bother you. They think... they think you favor me, and they now listen to me when I offer advice.”
I smiled thoughtfully, “Maybe I do... maybe I do.”
PITY FOR THE PEOPLE
The group seemed anxious as she beckoned them to me, but when her daughter grasped her hand Mari gained strength and spoke out before even the men could open their mouths.
“Winged One, daughter to the Great Mother, we ask of you another favor. We have sent a messenger to our sister tribes, asking that an Ulgog come to our village to lay those who died to rest, but... but some of us fear they will not make it in time, and ask of you to use your knowledge of the Great Ulgog’s teachings and lead our loved ones to the Undying Lands.”
Cjiena: Beginnings Page 10
