by Hanna Ruthie
“Josie, just tell me what you want me to say.”
“I don’t want to have to tell you,” she says quietly. “I just want you to say it.”
My head drops back in anger. “You’re impossible!” I shout at the ceiling.
And how did any of this happen anyways? I was supposed to come over, watch a movie, invite her to the banquet. Simple enough right? Fucking wrong.
“Is it that much to ask for the truth?” She wonders. “I just want you to tell me why you want me to go. I can’t give an answer for you.”
I look back down at her, my anger cooling down as I look at her. Shit. This is really bothering her.
“I’d accept anything Matthew. Because you like to spend time with me? Because we’re friends? Because you want to take me out? There’s lots of things you can say.”
She’s right. And I stand there, staring at her, saying nothing. She wants me to ask her to the banquet like a normal fucking guy. Tell her I want her to go because I like her. Because I… because I… care about her. There are two sides of me at war. The one who tells me I’m not the guy who cares, and the one looking at Josie and knows I care a whole fucking lot. It’s not Josie’s fight, it’s mine, and she just got stuck in the middle.
Shit.
Josie shakes her head. “You know what? Never mind.”
Shit. Shit. Shit.
“Jos, wait… I’m sorry.”
“I’m starting to get tired of hearing that.”
She moves towards her bedroom, trying to get away from me. My heart starts to race. I panic. She moves away slowly, her arms still crossed against her chest. She’s trying to protect herself, guard herself… against me.
I catch her sniffle and watch as the back of her hand wipes across her face.
Fuck!
“Are you crying?” I ask. It comes out rude. I didn’t mean for it to. I’m just on a roll today.
“No,” she lies, turning away from me.
Finally, my feet begin to move. My shitty ass feelings have kicked in all too late. Josie walks towards her bedroom door. I have rush to cut her off before she can get there. I plant myself right in front of her, standing in the middle of the hallway.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m an asshole.”
Her eyes avoid mine, glued to the ground.
“Jos, please, look at me.”
“Get bent Matthew.”
She pushes through me but I catch her again when she makes it to the door. I block it with my body. Josie’s eyes stay glued to the door handle behind me.
“I didn’t mean it Josie, you have to believe me.”
“I don’t,” she counters.
“Please, just go back to the living room and I’ll make it up to you.”
She shakes her head towards the ground. “I think you should go home Matthew.”
“No, I can’t leave yet. I have to fix this.”
“Why do you care?” She asks, finally looking up at me. “You just look at me like a nuisance.”
My stomach drops.
“Is that really what you think?”
She throws her hands up. “When you say things like what you just said back there- yeah. It kinda makes me think you hate me!”
The words she speaks bring a new set of tears to her eyes.
“No, Josie that isn’t true.”
She shakes her head and swipes away another tear.
“Jos, you have to know, I could never hate you.”
I can’t. I can’t walk away without fixing this. She won’t come back to me, I know it.
“Matthew just let me go,” she sniffles. “I’m in a bad mood and I don’t want to argue anymore.”
Frustration gets the best of me and my hands cradle her cheeks, turning us until it’s her back that presses against the door.
I shut my eyes, letting my forehead rest against hers. Her breathing becomes rigid. She’s surprised. I can feel her heart, and it’s beating so fast I worry it’s hurting her.
“Jos,” I breathe. “I can’t stand you thinking that. I don’t hate you. I… I… I’m crazy about you. I think you’re beautiful. I think you’re fucking incredible.”
Eyes still shut, I press a long kiss to her forehead. Then I pull away, turning and walking back down the hallway. I only make it about three steps when Josie grabs my arm and pulls me back towards her.
“What does that mean?” She asks, breathless. “You can’t just say those things and then walk away. Not if you mean them.”
“I do mean them Josie. But I shouldn’t.”
“Why not? Why do you have to be so confusing all the time?!”
“Josie,” I sigh. “You’re too good for me, okay? I’m not cut out for this, for you.”
“What does that even mean?” She asks. Her eyes tear up again, but not from sadness; from anger and frustration. “Matthew, you can’t push me out like that, I need to know what you’re thinking.” A tear falls from her eyes and she pushes it away quickly.
“Don’t cry,” I whisper. “Please.”
Another tear falls from her eyes and this time I wipe it away, the salty drop warm against my skin.
“Then tell me, please, what’s going on? Why can’t you be with me?”
I sigh, my head falling back. “Because I couldn’t fucking ask you to the banquet like a normal person. I couldn’t tell you that I wanted you there because I’m crazy about you. I couldn’t do any of it until after I had made you fucking cry. I’m a fucking mess Josie, and you deserve better than that.”
“But I don’t want anyone else! I just want you!”
God, her words make my heart fucking squeeze. It hurts. “I know Jos, I know, but we can’t. Because I’ll ruin it. I’ll fuck it up. I’ll hurt you and then I’ll lose you. And I can’t stand the thought of that.”
“No you won’t-”
“Yes, I will. It’s what I do. It’s what I was taught. It’s how I was raised. It’s who I am. And people don’t change Jos. Not really. Not ever. “
“But you don’t need to change Matt. You are good. You always have been. It’s just been buried under hurt and anger for years.”
I shake my head, sighing. “I love that you think that about me Josie. That you see more in me, but I can never make up the things that I’ve said or done to you. I’m fucking broken and I can’t be fixed.”
Her tiny hands slam against my chest. “No you aren’t! Don’t you get it Matthew? I’m not trying to fix you! You were never broken to begin with!”
Her words send an arrow right through my heart and I stare at her for a long time, letting them seep in. Those words… when they come from her mouth, when she says them with such confidence and assurance and ferocity, I believe her. I brush her hair behind her ear.
“How are you real?” I ask. “You’re like this… angel.”
Josie looks up at me. “I’m just me Matthew. And I’m trusting you with me.”
I sigh, grabbing her hand and pressing it against my heart. “You’ve got me all twisted up in here. I’ve never done this before, I don’t know where to start.”
“Well you can start by asking me to this God forsaken banquet,” she replies, smiling.
I laugh, shaking my head. This all started with the fucking banquet.
“Josie,” I start. “Will you be my date to the basketball banquet?”
“Why?” She whispers.
I swallow down my insecurities. “Because I’m crazy about you.”
“Okay,” she responds. “Then I’ll go.”
Chapter 29
Josie Virginia.
Me: I’m not happy about our trade. I want Scarface over Psycho
Matthew: Um, I don’t think you really want either of them
Me: You know what I meant, their movies
Me: Can you come over?
Matthew: I don’t know Jos, is the air over there still thick with the mean shit I said?
Me: And the sweet things you said
&nbs
p; Matthew: Yikes, sage it
Me: Well can I come over to your place?
Matthew: Why, what’s up?
Me: Does something have to be happening? I just want to see you
Matthew: I’m on my way
* * *
Matthew sits down on the couch, holding out the DVDs he brought. He just came from practice, a tight t-shirt on his chest and loose sweats on his waist.
“Ooh, what do we have here?” I ask.
He fans out the DVDs, showing me. “Clockwork Orange, Vertigo, and Silence of the Lambs.”
“Vertigo please!” I say, grabbing my wallet from the counter.
“Really?” He asks, looking at me from the couch. “After you gave poor Hitchcock all that grief with Psycho?”
“Scottie Ferguson is no Norman Bates,” I reply.
Matthew’s eyes turn confused when he sees the wallet in my hand. “What are you doing?” He asks.
“Don’t worry about it,” I respond simply.
Someone buzzes my apartment and I curse inwardly. I was hoping to catch the delivery guy outside before Matthew could find out.
“What was that?” Matthew asks, slowly rising from the couch.
“Nothing!” I open the door and run down to the gate, handing the pizza guy my money, taking the pizza through the bars of the gate.
“Josie!” Matthew yells, running down after me.
“Go,” I tell the delivery boy. “Keep the change.”
He looks at me with wide eyes. When he sees Matthew barreling down the stairs behind me, he finally moves, running back to his car with the money.
“Wait, come back!” Matthew says, holding up money in the air.
But it’s too late and the car is already squealing away from the curb. Matthew groans, looking down at me.
“Damn it Josie. Stop buying shit for me. Let me pay.”
“Sorry,” I say, giving him a peck on the cheek. I head back upstairs with the pizza. Once I’m inside, I set it on the counter, turning back to the living room. Matthew comes in, grumbling to himself. He closes the door behind him and locks it.
“Will you let me pay next time?” He asks.
I walk over to him, shaking my head. “Probably not.”
He groans, his head dropping back against the door. I start to walk back to the couch when Matthew grabs my hand, yanking me back towards him.
Smiling, his hands curve around both sides of my jaw as he tilts my head upwards and presses his downwards. Our lips collide somewhere in the middle and a bolt of lightning shoots right through me. His lips are melded to mine, soft yet firm, moving like easy waves of the ocean. He pulls away and then dives back in, this time with tongue, brushing against me, touching me, tasting me. I moan into his mouth and he pulls away.
“Oh hell,” he groans. “You can’t make that sound.”
Annoyed that he stopped, I push his hands away and this time I make the first move. I step into him, my hands grabbing the material of his shirt into a fist, and pulling his mouth down to mine. He spins us around until my back bumps against the door. His hands slam on the wall behind me, caging me in. I love his closeness, his power, how tall he is and the way his body makes me melt. I give into his power, letting him have his way with me. My lips surrender to his far superior, more experienced mouth. Eventually, I pull away, nibbling on his lips. He groans, his hands slipping around my waist again.
“Fuck,” he says under his breath. “Where’d you learn to do that?”
“With you, right now,” I admit.
His eyes are hazy, stormy, filled with lust.
I bite my lip and he groans, using his thumb to pull it free. He leans close to my ear. “I want you,” he whispers.
I shiver, reaching out to let my hands tangle in his hair. “Not yet.”
He groans again and starts pressing kisses down my neck. I sigh and roll my head to the side, giving him better access.
“We should probably stop,” I whisper.
Matthew pulls away, looking me in the eyes. “Are you sure?”
“No,” I whisper.
He smiles, his lips finding mine again. The kiss heats quickly and I pull myself away from him, putting my hands on his chest.
“Okay, okay enough,” I say. I push him off of me, moving us both a few steps away from the door.
“What’s wrong?” He asks. “Did I hurt you?” His voice is frantic.
I shake my head no. “No no, you did nothing wrong.”
My body is a ball of nerves, bouncing and buzzing with anxiety. Matthew’s finger finds my chin, dragging my eyes back up to his.
“You’re sure?” He asks.
His grey eyes are truth serum and the words just tumble out of my mouth.
“It’s not you Matthew. It’s… it’s me.”
I look away from him immediately, frustrated with myself and flustered that he could make me reveal my insecurities so easily. I can feel his gaze on mine. His eyes are searching me for answers. I’m going to have to tell him sometime, otherwise he’ll keep pestering me until he finally pries it out of me. I decide to just skip through those steps and tell him now.
“I’m just worried is all… that I won’t…”
My eyes search around for the right words. “I just don’t want to disappoint you.”
My hand finds my forehead, rubbing. Hearing it out loud really makes me feel like a child. But it’s how I feel.
I shrug. “You know, cause you’re experienced and you’ve been with a lot of people and I just had one really awkward experience a long long time ago. And I want it to be good for you, but I’m worried it won’t be.”
I cross my arms again, looking away defensively.
“Josie,” he chuckles.
His tone makes me meet his eyes. They’re not heavy anymore but light and even humorous. He’s laughing at this.
He reaches for my hands, trying to tug my arms apart, but I won’t let them budge. He laughs a little harder.
“You’re mad?” He asks, quirking a brow at me.
I squint at him. “You’re laughing at me.”
He chuckles a little more, tugging at my arms harder, trying to have my hands. Eventually I give in to him and let him hold my stiff fingers.
“I’m not laughing at you… I’m just laughing at the absurdity of your thought process.”
I’m still not finding any of this funny, and I pull my hands away from Matthew’s.
“They’re the same thing,” I mumble.
His chuckles softly as he looks down at his hands and then back up at me. His eyes grow serious as he watches me, and I want to shrink under his gaze.
“Are you kidding?” He asks, softly. “You can’t seriously think it won’t be good for me.”
I look away from him, feeling my defenses fall.
“Josie,” he says, trying to catch my eyes. I continue to look away until he shifts so he’s right in my line of vision. The breath escapes me when I see him. God he’s so handsome. Who has hair that dark and thick and wavy and eyes that grey that daunting? He looks like he just stepped out of a damn Hollister Ad.
“God Jos, can’t you see how much I want you?”
He pulls me against him, his hand curving around my back and pressing me into him until the bottom half of our bodies are pressed together. I can feel him, pressed against me.
He walks us backwards until my back hits the door again.
“You have no idea what you do to me…” he says, his voice low.
My heart starts to accelerate rapidly. My hands find his chest, needing to touch some part of him. He’s breathing heavily too, looking straight into me.
“Josie, baby,” he says, moving his hands up and into my hair. “You’re so damn beautiful all the time.”
His hands tilt my head to the side and he presses searing kisses down my neck, making my heart race.
“And then you walk around in that sexy little work uniform and it drives me crazy.”
He pulls his head back up to look a
t me again, his eyes showing more than lust; also adoration, and longing. His words make me smile.
“You think my work uniform is sexy?” I ask, smiling.
“Josie, everything you wear is sexy,” he replies. “But yeah, that poodle skirt does something to me.”
I giggle at the thought. And to think of how much grief he gave me over it. He smiles and presses his lips against my cheek.
“We’ll do it when you’re ready, but when you’re ready, I’m going to make you feel so damn good,” he whispers.
“Matthew,” I sigh. “Are you trying to turn me on?”
He chuckles in my ear, rubbing his nose against my cheek. “That depends, is it working?”
“Yes,” I answer shamelessly.
His laugh is deep and rumbles against me. “We better watch the movie before things get out of hand.”
I nod my head, pulling away from him. “The pizza’s gonna get cold too.”
“Oh the pizza, I forgot about the pizza.”
He lets me go and heads to the kitchen. I put the movie in, getting it started and he joins me with two slices on paper plates. We eat our food and watch the movie and when it’s over, I put in the next.
“Do you really want to watch this?” Matthew asks.
I pull his arm over my shoulder. “Maybe not. But I don’t want you to leave.”
“You don’t need to put a movie on to keep me here,” he says, kissing my temple. “I’ll stay if you want me to.”
“I want you to,” I say softly.
He nods. “Then I’ll stay.”
I sigh contently, snuggling into his side and closing my eyes. I begin to drift off against him until his voice wakes me.
“You’ll be more comfortable on the bed,” he suggests.
I nod my head, standing up. I lead him down the hallway to my room.
“Are you um, good in what you’re wearing?” I ask.
Matthew looks down at himself and then back up at me, raising a brow. “If I say no are you going to offer me something?”
“No,” I laugh. “I was just wondering.”
“I’m fine,” he replies.
I grab some pajamas and take them across the hall to the restroom. I change and brush my teeth. Then I peek under the cabinet and pull out an extra unopened toothbrush I have.
