by Hanna Ruthie
“She was so thin… it was like staring at a skeleton. Her skin was more than pale. It was like… tinted green. She looked sick. We stared at each other for awhile and… and her eyes…”
I shake my head at the thought, burying my head in my hands. “Her eyes were vacant,” I choke out. “She had no idea who I was.”
Josie’s hands rub over my back. She kisses my shoulder trying to take away some of the pain. She can’t. This is a memory that will forever haunt me.
“There was no one home. Whoever Ellie was… she was gone. She was just a shell. And after I saw her like that, I think it’s when the switch flipped. When I put on the other face… the mean face, as you once put it.”
I pull my head out of my hands and look at Josie. “I didn’t always used to be the way I sometimes act. Johnny and Ray and Will know that. Clay… he knew that. And you, thank God, you know that too. You all know there’s good in me. And you bring it out of me. But Ellie… she sucked so much out of me. The good. The idea of love. Of happiness. Of trust and reliance. I just walked around, terrified I was going to be abandoned. I figured if I could always rely on myself, being left behind… being forgotten, would never be a problem.”
I release another heavy breath.
“And then you, Josephine Virginia, came along. And you stole a heart that I never knew was there.”
“Matthew,” she replies softly, standing from her stool so she’s closer to me.
“I’m telling you this because I trust you. And I need to trust someone. Because these nightmares… they’re about Ellie turning up dead. And I can hardly ever recognize her, I can never ID her body for the police. And I don’t want to feel broken. Because I know I’m not. I know I’m strong for what I survived. But for a long time, those nightmares, and the thought of being vulnerable with you, and the thought of loving you, that made me feel weak. But now… I know that you… you’re it for me Jos.”
Josie stares at me with wide eyes and they begin to tear up. “I… I need to say something to you really quick.”
I nod my head, signaling for her to go ahead. She releases a shaky breath. “You’re so good. So unbelievably strong and sweet and kind. You’re more brave than anyone I’ve ever met. And last time I checked those are the characteristics of someone pretty heroic.”
I shake my head at her words. They’re sweet, but they aren’t right. “I’m not a hero,” I say.
Josie smiles lightly, a tear falling down her face. I wipe it away with my thumb. “Maybe you don’t think so. Maybe you’re not a hero to everyone. But you are to me. And to Johnny. And Will. And Ray. And Clay. And me. You own my heart Matthew, and I wouldn’t dream of giving it to anyone less worthy.”
I’m stunned silent by her words. Speechless. She leans forward to press her lips against mine gently. When she pulls away, she looks down at my chest.
“What’s in here…” she starts, placing her hand over my heart. It’s beating so hard I’m worried I’ll have a heart attack. “It’s so good, so strong, so gentle. And this is who you are. You are your heart Matthew, not your scars.”
And with those words, I fall completely and entirely in love with Josephine Virginia.
Chapter 35
Josie Virginia.
“Shoot! I’ve got to go!” I try to throw the covers off but before I can, Matthew is on top of me. He doesn’t put all of his weight on me, but enough to keep me pinned beneath him.
“Matthew,” I groan, pushing against his chest.
“No,” he mumbles sleepily. “You can’t go. I won’t let you.”
I giggle a little, giving him a small kiss on the cheek. “I’ve got to work.”
“Call in sick. Stay here with me, in bed, all day.”
“I can’t Matthew,” I giggle. As tempting as it sounds.
He kisses my neck sleepily. “You feel so good.”
He’s trying to get me in the mood.
“Warm and sexy underneath me. I can’t let you go.”
It’s working.
“Matthew, I have to be at work in fifteen minutes,” I protest.
He’s rubbing against me, nuzzling, kissing, licking. “I can get you off in five,” he replies.
“Matthew!” He’s right.
“Please baby?”
Oh he’s good. Pulling out the baby. He knows it’s my kryptonite.
“Hurry up then.”
It doesn’t take him long. He adjusts a few things down south, looks down deep into my eyes and kisses me as we both groan and moan. I have to give him credit where it’s due. He’s brilliant at knowing my body, my cues, what will make me gasp and sigh and yell out his name. And he does it all in record time. Until my fingers are grasping at his hair and I’m moaning into his ear and he’s grunting into my neck. And then we’re spent and kissing lazily, happily, and I’m definitely going to be late.
* * *
“Hey,” I say, breathing heavily. “Am I late? Sorry if I’m late. This morning started off… I’ve just been late all day.”
Cammy smiles at me. “Relax, you’re right on time.”
She has a check up at the hospital today. The treatment center provided transportation and brought Cammy to the hospital and I agreed to meet her here. I was at work during the appointment itself, and I’ve just showed up now for the news. I grab her hand in mine, praying it’s all positive.
But it’s not.
Not at all.
* * *
Back at my apartment, I feel numb with the information that was given to me today. As soon as I find my seat at the dining table, the tears leak from my eyes. I cry right there, and it’s only a minute later that I hear a buzz at the gate. I freeze, sniffling, and force myself to toughen up. I wipe the tears away from under my eyes. It’s Matthew, I know it is, no one else would come buzzing at my gate at this hour. I buzz him in, speaking down to the speaker.
“It’s open,” I croak.
I back away from the door and look down at my socks, taking a deep breath. By the time I hear the door open, there’s a lump in my throat. I hate that I’m a slave to my emotions like this, my eyes already starting to water again.
“Jos, you should really lock this,” I hear Matthew say. I hear the clicking and sliding of the lock on my door. He’s just locking himself in with the shell of a woman. He’s trapping himself with a reflection of that scared little girl I was all those years ago.
A tear falls from my eye and then another.
“Josie?” He asks, and I can hear the concern in his voice.
I look up at him and let him see me like this, lost and hurt. He moves over to me immediately.
“Josie, what’s wrong baby?” He asks gently.
And then I really break, crying, burying my head in my hands to hide my tears. His hands curl around my head gently, pulling me into his chest.
“Shhh shh shh, it’s okay baby, I’m here,” he says, his tone soothing. He brushes his hands through my hair, letting me cry. I can feel his heartbeat and it’s not steady like it usually is. It’s fast. He’s nervous about this, or uneasy, or maybe he just feels a little bit of the same pain I do.
I only cry for a couple more minutes, settling down against him, not feeling as afraid now that I’m in his arms. Eventually, Matthew pulls my hands away from my eyes and wipes the tears off of my cheeks.
“What happened baby?” He asks.
I shutter and look down, willing myself not to cry. “I went to the hospital to see Cammy for a check up,” I whisper.
Matthew brushes some hair out of my eyes. I can feel his sympathy.
“It didn’t go well?”
I shake my head, feeling my eyes well up again. I’m being such a baby about this, but I really can’t help it. My emotions are working with a mind of their own.
“The cancer spread. They say she has a few weeks left. A month or two at most.”
“Oh no,” he says softly.
I look up at him and bite my lip, pressing my forehead against his heart.
> “She wants to meet you. I told her I’d ask. You don’t have to but…”
I feel Matthew’s lips on the top of my head. “Of course,” he whispers against me. “I’d love to meet her.”
There’s a moment of silence as I listen to his heartbeat. It’s still beating hard, as hard as mine.
“Josie,” he says.
I ignore him, not feeling the strength to look at him. I feel about ready to crumple.
“Josie,” he says again. “Baby, look at me, please.”
Reluctantly, I lift my head to look in his eyes. He’s dead serious, his gaze focused on me as I look up at him.
“Is there anything I can do?” He asks softly.
I shake my head slowly.
“There’s n-nothing anyone can do. They say we’re all out of options.”
“Well I don’t believe that for a second. Where’s the girl who told me anything’s possible?”
I shake my head. “Not this time. I’ve seen her Matthew. They’re right. She’s tired. She’s been fighting for a long time. I think she’s ready to go.”
He shuts his eyes for a brief moment. “I’m so sorry baby.”
I shrug. “It is what it is.”
“I wish you didn’t have to go through it though.”
“Me too,” I say softly. “But I won’t go through it alone.”
“That’s right,” he says, squeezing me against him. “I’ll be here.”
I swallow nervously. That’s not what I meant. “Right, you and… my Dad.”
I feel Matthew stiffen underneath me. “Your Dad?”
“I think I’m going to call him.”
He shifts a little, very obviously uncomfortable with the idea. “Call him? Why?”
I bite my lip, thinking for a moment before I speak. “Cammy’s his daughter and he deserves to know what’s going on. Maybe he wants to see her or say some last words to her.”
“Does she want to see him?” Matthew asks.
“She says it’s up to me. She’s fine either way. So I think I’m going to.”
“Why?” Matthew asks. I can feel his anxiety over the issue.
“He’s still family. He raised us. He loves us. He might be able to help with the funeral and all of that.”
“Josie… I don’t… I don’t like it,” he admits about the idea.
I nod my head. “I know. I knew you wouldn’t. But he can be helpful.”
“Even after what he did to you?” He asks.
“It wasn’t that big a deal. Kids get hit a lot harder all the time.”
Matthew shakes his head. “Uh no. That’s unacceptable. Do not make excuses for him. What he did is a huge fucking deal Josie. He gave you a black eye. He got kicked out for it.”
“I know but-”
“And he talked down to you. No-fucking-one gets to talk to you that way. Ever. Not him, not me, no one. Right?”
I nod my head nervously. “Yeah… I know.”
“I don’t think he should be forgiven for that Josie, ever.”
“I don’t… I don’t want to talk about it,” I say softly.
My eyes meet his as I look up at him. He’s concerned, but he knows I’m in a fragile state right now so he drops it.
“Are you sure there’s nothing I can do?” He asks.
I press myself tighter against him. “Just do what you’re doing. That’s enough.”
“Okay,” he whispers. He kisses the top of my head again and holds me in silence. And in his arms, I pray to God that my sister will be okay.
* * *
I set my blanket down on the ground, resting the flowers on top of it gently. I sit down, legs crossed, looking at Mom’s name engraved in the marble of her headstone.
“Hey Mom,” I say, settling in. “I hope you can hear me.”
This is how I start every conversation with her.
“Mom I’m… I’m thinking that maybe I should call Dad.”
I look down at my fingers, twiddling them nervously.
“It’s just… it’s been so long. And I know he did some bad things but I… there’s a part of me that misses him, you know?”
Don’t leave your questions open ended Josie. She can’t respond.
“The doctors say… pretty soon, Cammy will be on her way up to you. And I think Dad should see her before she goes. I think it might be helpful if he’s there at the end. I don’t know if I can be alone.”
The wind blows, the breeze twisting my hair around gently. I shut my eyes and feel it, wishing it to be a message from her. A sign that she’s here with me, listening. I put my fingers in the grass, looking at the vivid green. I feel the blades between my fingertips, sharp and alive. Years ago, this spot was brown with dirt, unpacked and resealed from where she had been buried. But now, there’s life here, growing from death.
“Matthew doesn’t want me to call him. I think he hates him Mom. I wish he wouldn’t. He has so much kindness and love in him, but not much forgiveness. He’s just protective of me I guess.”
I sigh, picking up the flowers and examining the petals. I think about Cammy and my Mom and my Dad and Matthew.
“I want to see him again,” I admit. “Talk to him.”
I set the flowers in the grass in front of her grave.
“I think I will call him. It’s just a call after all, nothing may even come of it. He might be too busy. But I… I want to try.
“Matthew will understand,” I continue, quietly. “He always does. I love him Mom, and I think he loves me too.”
Chapter 36
Matthew Steele.
The Josie that I knew has faded. She’s tormented with the news of her sister, unsure of what to do. It’s been two weeks since they found out the cancer spread and Josie has become a completely different person. She’s closed herself off, spending every free moment with her sister. I’ve only seen her a few times in the last couple weeks, but when I do, it’s bad. She’s quiet. She’s so stressed, it’s all over her face. Bryce tells me she still shows to tutor him so I know at the every least she’s still busy. Johnny says she’s only worked a couple of shifts at The Burger Joint in the last couple weeks. I wish I knew how to help her. But I haven’t got a fucking clue. Everything I thought I could do to help has been thwarted by her. She doesn’t want to talk about it, she doesn’t want to go out, she hardly wants to see me. She just keeps it bottled up. I’m so fucking worried when I see her. She’s in so much pain, but she denies it all. I want her to get the help she needs. And if I’m not that person, it’s fine. But she has to open up to someone.
* * *
I show up to the library at the end of Josie’s tutoring session. I’m waiting outside as she walks out with Bryce. She’s looking down at the ground but Bryce sees me and gives me a nod. I nod back, watching him as he says goodbye to Josie and heads in the other direction towards his car. Josie continues walking until she spots me and freezes in her tracks.
“Hey stranger,” I say, walking closer to her.
“Matthew…” She doesn’t seem happy to see me. “Did we have plans?”
I shake my head. “Nope, I just thought I’d drop by and see how you are.”
She adjusts the books in her arms. “I’ve been meaning to call you.”
“You’ve been busy, I get it. Don’t sweat it,” I shrug.
She shifts on her feet, looking at the keys in my hand. “I was just about to go to the hospital.”
“I can drive you. If Cammy still wants to meet me, now’s as good a time as any.”
Josie runs a hand through her hair, caught off guard, and I think, a little frustrated by it. Maybe it wasn’t right to just show up like this, but it was the only way to see her. If I had asked, she would have shut me down.
“Sure,” she sighs. “I guess.”
I leap at the opening, grabbing her books from her arms. “Awesome.”
She follows me to my truck, buckling in as I pull out of the parking lot, driving us to the hospital.
She’s so in her
head, staring out the window the entire way to the hospital. There’s a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I’m losing her.
When we get to the hospital, Josie wastes no time getting out of my truck and marching inside. I rush to keep up with her, following her through the doors, and to the front desk. She’s on good terms with the secretary and she sends her right on her way. I follow her past the lobby, up the stairs, down the hall, until suddenly she comes to a screeching halt in front of a wooden door. She spins on her heels, looking at me.
“Give me a few minutes okay? She didn’t know you were coming today.”
I nod my head and lean back against the wall, waiting as she slips into the room. I wait there for some time before the door opens again. Josie comes out, her eyes tired.
“You can go ahead,” she says softly. “She says she wants to talk to you alone.”
My brows raise in surprise but I nod my head, kicking off the wall. Josie leans against the wall in the same position I was at as I slip inside the door. It shuts softly behind me and I look towards the hospital bed. The first thing I notice is the resemblance. She looks like Josie. Despite her blue eyes, the smile is the same.
“Hey Cammy, nice to meet you,” I say, moving to the chair by her side.
There’s a green beanie on her head. The hair from her face, eyebrows and lashes are gone. She looks about ten times as tired as Josie is right now.
“Matthew right?” She asks.
“That’s me,” I reply.
“My sister talks about you a lot. She lights up when she says your name.”
I smile at that, moving the chair closer to her. “You know, it’s funny you say that, because the same thing happens when she talks about you.”
She laughs, and it turns into a cough, but she does her best to suppress it.
